[beauflow]

I saw a second Pdoc today and told her what happened a few days ago with me getting rather angry and hit the door and cried in a closet at my work

She told me that this sounds like a some what like a melt down----- i never viewed these type of things as melt downs--- We did not have enough time due to basically this was a follow up from the first pdoc i saw but this one I saw today was the new one--- she even said she wished the visit was longer, so do I. I did not get to ask what is the difference from the other night and the night that i got so enraged that I almost broke windows-- is that too a melt down in some sense?

We did talk about the night on my car accident- I felt more free since court is over to tell all with that night- It was not intentional but I felt like Stupid Happy High while driving- then bam, hit the sign in the fog- It was like i knew i was going too fast. And this drive was after getting rather angry and stabbing a box due to I cut it wrong and angry with not being able to find clean clothes that I thought were done... I did tell this Pdoc that all... She did not put much input with that- I have not told T this yet due to I saw her before court- and still at the time felt I could not be fully honest.. I am sorry.

i was telling my boyfriend of my appointment like i usually do; he agreed and asked -- well what have you seen them as?? I told him in a joking tone- umm emotional distress....

I just never saw them as melt downs. I guess that is due to when I was younger, granted I was on drugs at the times, I had cut myself, or thrown things.. I guess the hitting and slamming doors, and about to pick up rocks to bash in some windows is close to the throwing things-- I know one reason why I wanted to get into therapy was due to urges to either cut or go back to drugs were getting stronger as time goes on- still is (I saw this pdoc to start meds- she wants me think on the med she suggested due to I am just "cautious with meds" along with a part of me feels like a failure as I have said so many times in posts-- I am trying to work on not feeling that way- My boyfriend has from the start told me not to feel that way, and he will watch and talk with me)..

I wonder if I need to sign something with my T for my boyfriend to call her if things start happening the wrong way- I see T monday- I will write that question down-- He knows me better than they, and he gets me talking when I don't want to some times to resolve things (not push push talk talk but in his own special way, he gets me where I feel more comfortable).
Any ways that is off the subject-

But really-- like mini melt downs-- I see melt downs if I went and cut myself when younger, and started to break things.

sigh-- any thoughts?

Be well all- I know the stress lately has not been good- I don't enjoy the holidays fully -- I try! Reindeer Army with snowflakes lol

I've always called them meltdowns. Certainly not the only kind, but one of them. They (and the fallout) suck!!! I can report that they've been lesser in frequency since I've been on my mood stabilizer. I'd agree with your Pdoc that it's something to consider.

I've felt like a failure over them too. And for many many years. I didn't start the mood stabilizer on account of them though, it's just been an unexpected benefit. Helped me realize that it wasn't just lack of will, personal failing, or some kind of personality thing, but the wiring in my brain (I've got BPII). Otherwise the meds would've had no effect on it, right? It hasn't totally eliminated them, but it definitely has helped. I haven't had one of the whopper magnitude of some in the past since the med. They weren't just flashes, but went on for quite some time till I was physically and mentally exhausted.

I don't know how yours are, though you've set a parameter to define them. I've not set a line so much as a rating. Flashes, for me, don't count. Hell, I'm entitled to a reaction, even if it's a bit much . But if it goes on, and has definitely crossed the line in terms of serious>severe>extreme, I'll think of it accordingly.

Hugs to you. They suck regardless of what we call them. I'm glad your BF is in your corner.

[Feiticeira]

I was just thinking that you might just not like the word meltdown to refer to your emotional distress. It's just two ways of saying the same thing imo but meltdown infers like innerzone said, fallout!

I would think a meltdown is when you lose the ability to control your actions because your emotions take over. And you just can't seem to get a hold of yourself.

[notz]

I relate to everything that's been said. I've always used the phrases, "having one of those times" or "I'm in that spot" but it's emotional distress just as been said. I daresay until I received medication for the chemical imbalance, very little changed no matter what I did to get better.

I've leaned on special people in my life and it's been helpful in many ways. The best things I've done for myself though, was getting sober, finding my p-doc and the willingness to work on my mental health with a trained professional.

These are just some of my experiences and may or may not work for you, but food for thought at any rate. I hope things go well for you. Keep posting.

[roads]

I've never had a word for it, but I sure had the fallout. The worst came when I was younger. By the time I was through college I'd come to dread the fallout so much that I was able to fight off/get away before bringing disaster down most of the time, but the stress & overall cost was frightful. The mood stabilizer I got for the first time in hospital about 3 yrs ago ended all that for the most part.

I'd say any event ending crying in a closet counts as ________ (pick your label). I'd suggest a trial on the med, & from what you say I'd definitely talk with pdoc about officially adding bf as an observer to your team. JMHO, of course ... no professional standing.

Take care, keep coming back, never give up on yourself.

[Open Eyes]

One of the things I have learned about PTSD is that one of the symptoms is RAGE.
I am not really sure why it happens but it comes from a really deep anger that we may not be truely aware of. We can get triggered into this RAGE and it can be very hard to stop. Some people have white outs where they experience so much RAGE they can actually injure others. Much depends on some of the events that lead to the changes in the brain that we now call PTSD.

I, myself can be pushed into expressing RAGE. And unfortunately my husband would react poorly and I could get out of control. But what happened during one occassion is when I was experiencing a RAGE with my husband some things came out, things that were so deep inside me that I didn't know I had carried these extremely angry issues. For days afterwards I felt a kind of release, and I had a lot to think about consciously because I honestly got to put words to the meaning behind my rage.

Sometimes we can experience things in our lives, especailly as children, where we have endured some kind of abuse that not only made us frightened but also extremely angry. But because we could not express our deep anger, we kind of shoved it in the back of our mind. There can be triggers that not only bring out anxiety, but also these moments of RAGE. So it is important to see if you can identify where that RAGE is coming from. Often times emotions are storred in a place that I have learned is not a place in our brain that has words that go with it. Basically it is just deep raw emotions that for some reason we had no way of truely expressing when they were experienced.

Beauflow, it is so nice that your boyfriend is so supportive, he must be a very nice person.

Notz, good for you, if you have PTSD or an anxiety disorder of some kind getting sober and good therapy can make all the difference in your personal healing process. ((((Hugs))))

Open Eyes

[beauflow]

Thank you all- it does help to get some words on this!

I guess for me it is part of denial- like "It was not that bad, it could had been worse".... I see that in me, push and push myself till I am - just some where bad. It is great to read from you guy- I am glad that I found PC, it has helped so much just in like 5 months believe it or not

I do realize that I am very blessed to have met my boyfriend- I wish everyone had someone that they could go to or cry on their shoulder. I know I said at one point- It sounds so sad probably but My boyfriend (when we were just co-workers) had helped me clean up from my drug life, It was not like "stop doing them" from him but more so, why do you put yourself through chaos he would ask me...- I still yearn for drugs at times, but as days, months, years go by-- I do feel better and he is there to talk to when I am having a bad time with it---

Oh Open Eyes! I don't understand this rage stuff with PTSD either- That was one good thing that this PDoc has some experience in PTSD- I was sad but happy to hear about that... She understood the part when I said -- even when I am happy- I think things are an illusion and just wait to be smacked back down or something bad to happen.

This Pdoc is sticking with the Bipolar2 DX as well- even though I was like I move around too much with moods to be bipolar- I am having trouble with seeing a true pattern; but she said this was not an evaluation appt- so Bipolar it is with Severe PTSD Still-Though she did add in the appt- it seems like you get depressed with agitation when talking about the PTSD- I was glad my T's word is on this as well... IDK but T thinks BPD traits as well with all this (but that could be a fine line with the severe PTSD as well and I am learning)- Like I said the only reason I like to know the DX is it helps with understanding- it really does not matter, I just want to be better.

Thank you all-- thank you so much- The one thing that has really pushed myself with going into Pdoc and to try this, (yes I have accepted the offer of this trial med as mentioned and suggested), is that I don't see how I have gotten better with Therapy (meaning that a lot of stuff that T says I know, and do try at times, or I just can't do it some times- it sounds odd but I can't with how I get; I do find some days T insightful which is why I keep going and in hopes of better)-And granted I have not been in Therapy for a whole year (which was my original plan before trying meds) but this is through the county, and got told March 2012 is the cut off for it all....... I am hoping T can direct me where to go- I know T mentioned she would be doing a DBT group- but with recent news - I may be changing shifts to swings instead of graveyards at the beginning of the year-- I am sort of hoping for it but IDK Yet- nothing is set in stone. But Swings will be more interaction with people-- sigh- 2012 will be another adventure I think

But thank you all- Sorry for babbling :-P

[notz]

You have not babbled! You've said what you needed to say and that's ok. Remember, you are accepted by your PC friends!

Time takes time. This is to say, you didn't get to this point overnight. Working on it will take time but it sounds like you have what it takes to get better. Little baby steps, one after another.

[Perna]

I think any situation where we have trouble controlling our actions and behave in ways that are harmful to ourselves and others (doors included :-) could be considered a meltdown, especially in a "public" place like work.

[Open Eyes]

There is not a quick fix for PTSD. Sometimes it can be confused with other disorders as well just as you have discribed. Just keep trying, stay in therapy whatever way you can as it is very theraputic to have a professional that will listen and present some theraputic suggestions. Not every therapy session is going to mean "I feel better" some sink in and are fruitful, and sometimes it just feels like nothing is achieved. It is the nature of a slow healing process, staying committed to working on yourself and making efforts to not just give into the disorder.

Dont worry about how much you write in your posts. Hey, I am the queen of lenghty posts. However it is very helpful to me and I have learned that it does help to use the frontal part of my brain as much as possible. Often for me it helps me with the severe bouts of anxiety and a sense of stuckness that can happen from having such a stressful atmosphere outside PC.

Whatever you need to express, feel free, it is theraputic and we will listen and support.

(((((Hugs))))
Open Eyes