[desirae]

I'm a fake and phony.......I pretend to be okay, I pretend to be happy......I can never say, "hey I've had a really bad day"......I'm to tired to keep up the fake. I'm letting go of the stupid pride my husband created for me. The truth is there is nothing to have a pride about......I have nothing! Literally, my car was given to me, my couch is a futon that was given to me.......my mattress to my bed was pulled out of a dumpster!.....everything was given to us accept the computer, and the baby's crib. My shoes don't fit, I have two pair of pants......and I starve for days, so the kids have food...........I'm soo soo soo tired.....I need to runaway, I'm desperate.

And yes I know I am making a stupid *** of myself for posting this, I'll regret it......like always.....but no more, I don't care!

This is real......this is the reality of my life. Why paste a phony representation of myself anymore? I can't, I've grown to exhausted.

I've always wanted better for the babies.......that's the one thing.....ONE simple thing, and I've failed......figures.

((((desirae))))

I'm sorry things are so tough for you. I understand about the pretending, but I don't think that makes you a phony. Sometimes we just do what we have to in order to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Are there any sources of assistance you can tap into? I'm no expert on USA as I am in UK, but churches? Food stamps? Charities? I expect you have already tapped into many of these however.

It's good to have ambitions for your kids. I don't think anything you have said means you have failed. Keep on going, and post here when you want; we'll be listening.

[Greenleaves]

((((((((((((desirae))))))))))))))

Please don't feel bad about posting here. Vent all you want if it helps you. We are here to listen.

[Lexicon78]

You sound a lot like me. I play the phony all the freakin time! Always put a smile on your face and act like nothing's wrong and everything's perfect, right? Yup, I thought so! It's not easy to go from one extreme to another, though.

I noticed that you were focusing mainly on material things. Although material items are important to a degree, be thankful that you still have your husband, children that are healthy, and a roof over your head! I don't have much that has't been given to me, either.

I was just trying to think of the items in my home that I have actually bought that I can call all mine, but the only thing I can think of really is my matress and boxsprings. I don't even have a bed frame. Just a matress and boxspring sitting on the floor. Our tv, tv stand, couch, chair, kitchen table and chairs, computer, computer desk, dressers, coffee table, end table, night stands were all given to us! That's actually all the furniture I own. I live in a 1-bedroom apartment, so there's not really much that I can collect.

I need a new mattress and boxsprings, too. They're all worn in...permanently imprinted from where me and my bf sleep on it! And I didn't even buy them brand new, I got them from a used furniture store!

So you are definitely not alone in all of this.

Hang in there.

[DaveyJones]

It makes me sad to hear your pain, Desirae...I don't think you are a phony for trying to maintain your composure in the face of adversity...that's maturity. And you don't need to feel bad about venting here, either...it's why all of us are here...to vent and be vented on.

I sort of know what you are going through...I'll be moving from this house on Friday, and I don't know where to...at least my kids are OK with my ex, she got a great job. I really miss them, I don't know what I am going to do.

And so we get together here to help each other through these times. I hope that you find your way...perhaps you could take the kids and you all go to a women's shelter. Go ahead, get help...you're so young, and you have the best years of your life ahead of you. Go for it!

DJ

[January]

(((((((((((((((( des ))))))))))))))))

I'm sorry you have such a terrible time. Have you tried Social Service programs in your area? They can help with shoes, clothing, etc. We'll try to help you think of things.

Please don't put yourself down because of this. When I came here I had to sleep propped up beside the heater because I had no bed, no blanket or even a pillow. I had literally nothing. There are agencies that can help. Start calling the local churches and the Salvation Army. You can also call the DHHS and ask for a list of organizations in your area. They usually know.

Hugs,

Jan

[(JD)]

Depression tells us lies and makes us believe them.

We have all done things to cheat ourselves for the betterment of others, you are commended for doing your best.

My T says that, when I feel like I am faking it, pretending I am fine so as not to upset others, that THAT is the real me being strong, and the other times when I feel so depressed and useless that THAT is the non reality of my life. Did I say this right (might have been better if I had written down what he said word for word?)

Hope this eases for you soon.

[bebop]

You only fail if you give in or give up. You have not failed!

[wisewoman]

sounds to me like you are a survivor. you are one togh lady. Sorry things are hard for you.

[Rhapsody]

Dear Desirae,

I understand how YOU feel.... for I too often feel (and live) as though I am laughing on the outside and yet crying on the inside, and no one is the wiser.

((((((( HUGS )))))))

LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[desirae]

Thanks sooo much everybody for the support. It has been a tough week, and I'm realived that others understand my pains.

I feel a little better today, and the kids have really warmed up.....almost completely their normal selves again, which makes me very happy.

I'm a little embarressed I posted this, but I know it was the right thing to do.......it was sort of a break through for me, a part of letting go of all the crap I've been consuming for so long. I needed that!

I know my situation remains the same no matter how I feel that day. That's the reality part I wish I could alter quickly......like a dream. It's still a scary and hard place, but I know what needs to be done. It's just finding the strength to do it.

It's crazy how one can adapt to a situation they know isn't right or well. I don't want to adapt to "less than anymore", I want more......alot more. Not for me either because I'm like steel, I wouldn't care if I slept on a bench. It just my babies, all I want for them is a good life with nice things, and love. Love number one of course.

This college is my escape.....but it's such along progress. 4-6 years.....seems to long to be here in this. I don't know, maybe my dues will one day be paid, and I'll be free from this place.

Thank you everybody for caring to reply and be honest. You all are absolutley right.