[lmiDAKiml]

I'm lost. I don't think you can put it any other way. The days of my life are bleeding together, night in to day into night. I have nothing in particular to look forward to, but I'm not depressed. I don't really feel much of anything anymore. I was vibrant and outgoing once, but I feel as if I've died inside. I've lost something along the way, somewhere. I'm young, but I feel so old. I've tried so many things to get that spark back, but I don't know if something like that can ever be re-ignited.

"I had a dream my life would be
So different from this hell I'm living
So different now from what it seemed
Now life has killed the dream I dreamed." -Les Miserables

That sounds awfully morose, but nonetheless it's fairly accurate. I feel a distinct dissociation with the world. I don't really know what I want from people, if anything at all. Maybe I just need a place to voice my thoughts. I'm a Machiavellian by nature, but I assure you the preceding is the closest to truth I know.

[Leed]

Hi ~ What you have described is a good case of depression. I KNOW you said you don't "feel" depressed, but many times we are, and we don't know it. Depression makes you feel numb -- there is no joy or sorrow -- it's just "nothing." You have no desires, no goals, no wanting to do anything -- one tends to isolate, but if you DO get around people, it's boring!!

If I were you, i'd talk to my doctor and see what he thinks. Perhaps you should have some blood work done to make sure everything is ok. Then, maybe he'll prescribe an antidepressant, even if it's temporary. I know most of us don't like to take medication, but that's what it's there for. You'd take meds if you had diabetes, right? Well, depression is a serious illness -- and if you can make it better, you should.

i've been on an antidepressant for many years because I ALWAYS felt exactly like you do. I've been depressed since I was a child -- and the antidepressant makes me feel "normal" again. (whatever that is!!) I now can actually FEEL emotions -- I have the desire to do things, go places, see people.

Call your doctor -- I wish you the very best. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[slowinmi]

I agree with Leed - it sounds like Depression. I'm certainly not an expert, but that's exactly how I felt last year....I just didn't care about anything. I wasn't sad, but I had no energy and just didn't care.

Please call your doctor or find a therapist who can help you. There is help and hope. You can feel better. Take care, slow

This is the true joy in life, the being used for a purpose recognized by yourself as a mighty one; the being thoroughly worn out before you are thrown on the scrap heap; the being a force of nature instead of a feverish selfish little clod of ailments and grievances complaining that the world will not devote itself to making you happy. ~George Bernard Shaw

[Hazel Glitter]

I agree that it could be depression. If you are on any medications now it could be that you need to switch them up. I have noticed that my once great antidepressant stopped working as effectively. Once I changed it or even upped the dosage I felt better again.

[Open Eyes]

Im,
I can totally relate and I have just been told by my therapist that I am experiencing depression. And I also have issues with anxiety due to my situation that I am in.

But Leed is most likely correct in her post. Thank you Leed. Like you I am puzzled IM. So imput from others is very helpful. And I am basically where you are, lots of doubt and confused.

So, my suggestion is to seek help for this and try to find a therapy that can help you get your life back on track. Sometimes depression is temporary due to a life situation and sometimes there is a true lack in your system that may need help.

And definitely come to PC for support. I have found it very helpful and have learned a lot.

Open Eyes

[RunningEagleRuns]

I find my christian religion helps, it gives life purpose.

[lmiDAKiml]

I think religion might be the worst invention mankind has ever unleashed upon the world. Any comfort that can be drawn from it is purely self-delusion. I'll most definitely take flak for that, but nobody knows where I live so I doubt I'll be stoned for it.

[arcangel]

Originally Posted by lmiDAKiml

I think religion might be the worst invention mankind has ever unleashed upon the world. Any comfort that can be drawn from it is purely self-delusion. I'll most definitely take flak for that, but nobody knows where I live so I doubt I'll be stoned for it.

I don't think you'll get much response to that at all. IMO mental illness and religion definitely do not make a good mix... but I won't debate that
Yes, what you describe sounds a lot like depression. Depression comes in different flavors. You seem very intelligent but I'll state the obvious anyway...depression does not equal sadness. Sadness is not always a symptom for me. Hopelessness, lack of interest, and feeling dead inside are definite symptoms in my experience. There's more but it'll cost you another dime

[lmiDAKiml]

Maybe it is depression, I don't know. I'm not a doctor. In my head I don't think it's depression, I've been depressed before and I know what that feels like. There was a time when I was in my teens where I didn't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I just wanted to die, for everything to just wash away. I don't feel like that now, though. I want to live, I want to live for a very, very selfishly long time. I think the best way to describe how I feel is disappointed. I'm very disappointed with the world. It's not at all what I thought it would be when I was a kid. I expected to earn a living, I knew there would be highs and lows, I knew that nothing worth having was easy. I just really expected there to be more depth. It seems like everyone is so shallow and vapid; insincere. It feels like only the simple are happy. Is that how life is supposed to be or am I just jaded at an early age?

[arcangel]

Originally Posted by lmiDAKiml

Maybe it is depression, I don't know. I'm not a doctor. In my head I don't think it's depression, I've been depressed before and I know what that feels like. There was a time when I was in my teens where I didn't even want to get out of bed in the morning. I just wanted to die, for everything to just wash away. I don't feel like that now, though. I want to live, I want to live for a very, very selfishly long time. I think the best way to describe how I feel is disappointed. I'm very disappointed with the world. It's not at all what I thought it would be when I was a kid. I expected to earn a living, I knew there would be highs and lows, I knew that nothing worth having was easy. I just really expected there to be more depth. It seems like everyone is so shallow and vapid; insincere. It feels like only the simple are happy. Is that how life is supposed to be or am I just jaded at an early age?

Hmmmm...beats me
You want to live for a very very long time yet you feel like you've died inside and you feel disassociated with the world. Feeling Machiavellian are we?

[MissC]

I have felt like this as well. Living, yes, I am doing it and plan to continue doing so, because that is all there is to do and doing otherwise is equally if not more useless. But it often seems like there should be more to life than there is. Quite seriously, I've been watching youtube videos such as "Storm" and "Not Perfect" by musician/poet Tim Minchin (and, well, everything else by him) and they have actually kind of helped my perspective. In a strange and possibly twisted way... I have no idea if you would be similarly impressed, but just in case, I thought I would share. What are things that tend to help you (make you feel better in general or allow you to escape)? If you have any, I would be interested in hearing about them.

[elliemay]

Well, to me life is about moments.

Everyday is not going to be an extravaganza of emotion and action. In fact, some parts of life are stupefyingly boring, inane, meaningless.

however, interspersed in that fumbling drudgery there can be moments of absolute perfection. Fleeting moments of joy, appreciation or contentment.

It's our job to attempt to create those moments or at the bare minimum recognize them when they pass through.

No, you are not jaded, just perhaps realistic.

Hiya lmiDAKiml,

Maybe it is depression, I don't know. I'm not a doctor. In my head I don't think it's depression, I've been depressed before and I know what that feels like.

I just wanted to let you know that the symptoms of depression vary widely and can shift greatly in any given person. So, this may just be a new phase of the depression you've had in the past. My depression has certainly evolved over the years and quite frankly, it terrifies me now. Still, I take comfort in the small things. Knowing that all I am capable of is enough, I also take comfort in knowing that there is a higher power, NOT Religion, but spirituality. Hope things get better soon.

Love and hugs,
Tara

I think that it would be most productive to utilize this time in your life …and these concerns to be the catalyst to explore things…subjects of interest,learning,people,creativity….and discover what it is you tend to gravitate toward.You likely have simply hit a turning point in your life where you have run the course of one phase of life…and must find your footing again…self-discovery of what you want to take from this life…what you'd like to give to it….where you would like to see your self 5 and 10 years from now.There are opportunities all around us,for learning,application,pursuit of wisdom,expanse of our perception of life and all it entails.But,as you know,no one can do any of these things for us.You must firmly decide to nurture yourself,expand yourself,and be diligent about it.You may wish to visit with a mental health professional,and be assessed.That cannot hurt.But,please don't be harsh with yourself.Many feel this dissociation with the world.We feel alien at times,as if there are none similar to ourselves.That no one holds the feelings,thoughts,or values we hold.When we branch out…we find that others really have more in common than we are aware.I think that media gives us an artificial ideal.An artificial representation of what life must look like.

The wise Byzantine quoted…"…..being used for a purpose…. & being thoroughly worn out …..

There are as many "religions"…as there are interpretations of them…..Many philosophies have personal truths and offer valuable concepts to walk away with.I don't know how useful it is to lay the same blanket upon all "religion" and deem every content therein as self-delusion….That is such an individualized personal set of truths…from one human to the next.

One cannot know if EVERYONE is shallow as you have only encountered a very small percentage of fellow humans on the planet.

May I ask your age?…I believe you are walking through a phase of inner prompting that is common to those in their 20's…I certainly am not always right.But my three sons are 25,19,and 20...and that is just for reference as to why I may assume your age.

It can be a terrible burden to be so intelligent and interesting when those in that circumstance succumb to cynicism. We all are responsible for our own well-being. It is up to us to cultivate our values, pursue goals that we believe are important and imbed more meaning into our lives.

Even when we have lost our way, we may not delegate our own responsibility, despite needing help to find our path again.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by lmiDAKiml

I'm lost. I don't think you can put it any other way. The days of my life are bleeding together, night in to day into night. I have nothing in particular to look forward to, but I'm not depressed. I don't really feel much of anything anymore. I was vibrant and outgoing once, but I feel as if I've died inside. I've lost something along the way, somewhere. I'm young, but I feel so old. I've tried so many things to get that spark back, but I don't know if something like that can ever be re-ignited.

That sounds awfully morose, but nonetheless it's fairly accurate. I feel a distinct dissociation with the world. I don't really know what I want from people, if anything at all. Maybe I just need a place to voice my thoughts. I'm a Machiavellian by nature, but I assure you the preceding is the closest to truth I know.

What was it like when that spark was there?

Did something happen that diminished that spark? Or did something get in the way of the dream(s) that spark ignited?

Where are you now, and where would you like to be?

[Open Eyes]

Well you must be in your early 20's if you are a student at Cornel. I honestly don't think it is unusual to have the feelings you have right now. And I know you are comparing depression with what you experienced in your teens, but it is not the same.

It is not unusual for teens to have that time period where they struggle with lack of energy and direction, not wanting to get out of bed. And much of that is due to the oncoming of hormones that can really cause a lot of confusion along with having to somehow leave childhood and be more grown up.

And what you feel now is most likely another stage of being confused and thinking you have to somehow have a really good idea of who you are and what direction your life will take. You have to consider that you are taking in a lot of information and that is very taxing on the brain. And you are in an atmosphere where other students are confused and experimenting and somewhat all over the place in their behaviors and testing the waters so to speak.

Plus you have to take into consideration that the world right now is very unsettled and the negetive messages abound. There are so many suggestions about dooms day appoaching and lets face it, there is no real clear direction taking place here in the states. And there are many suggestive thoughts that America is falling apart.
I personally get so I don't even what to hear the media stoke all this fear and confusion. And it is so hard to wade through all the burocracy lately to see what is really taking place. And that is for everyone.

So you have every reason to feel the way you do. But please don't think your doomed and ready to give up entirely with no real vision of your future and your part in it. Much of that is due to the fact that you havent been able to get past that learning period and to the part where you start to apply it to your life and even your core. And it is not unusual to not be really in touch with your core at this time in your life. The twenties are the years of learning how to develope your core and full of trials and errors. What you are doing is projecting emptyness for your future when you are really only just putting a small amount of fuel into who you are and what that future is going to be. So ease up, your just not going to know that, and that is normal. And if you were to take a general conscensious of all the other students around you and even nationwide you would see that you are in a lot of company in your thoughts and feelings of inadequacy.

Try to bring your focus back to learning and taking in the skills that you are trying to accomplish. Dont be so eager to put the cart before the horse so to speak. Give all this new knowledge time to forment so to speak and stop trying to jump forward.

Hope that helps you some. You can always check out some therapy to give you some support. My guess is that you are on summer break and being out to the fast track of learning has put you in a slump, not unusual. Try to go to the beach or do things that give your brain some time to enjoy the time out and put less emphasis on pushing for who you are right now.

Open Eyes

[lmiDAKiml]

Originally Posted by ECHOES

What was it like when that spark was there?

Did something happen that diminished that spark? Or did something get in the way of the dream(s) that spark ignited?

Where are you now, and where would you like to be?

Despite the very real possibility of being rhetorical questions, I'll answer them.

When I had the spark, I was living apart from the world. The world was full of endless opportunities - you could be anyone, you could do anything. I'd wake up in the morning and know that this world was getting better day by day, little by little.

Something did happen, actually. I grew up. Reality got in the way of my dreams. The people of this world don't want things to get better, not really. They care more about sports and television. They play video games, watch movies, get drunk, party, and generally go about their trivial, pointless lives. Even the people I go to school with, they don't care about much of anything other than money and women/men. There's no passion. People just don't care. This becomes even more clear when you read about the causes that people used to fight and die for. People would give everything they had for what they believed in. People aren't like that, we're artificial now. We don't have anything so important other than ourselves. I know there are always exceptions to the rule, but those are so far and few between. Even when you do see that passion it is typically ridiculed. I want to feel that, but I don't think it exists anymore.

Where am I, where do I want to be? I'm graduating next year, I'll be moving on with my life's work and hopefully changing the world for the better. The only problem I see is that people don't change as rapidly as technology does. We aren't ready for what we have already, how can we be ready for what is still to come? Maybe I'm to impatient, but I don't have a lot of time left and I don't see any evidence that would suggest I get another shot. So here's where I am:

I was born, I went to school, I learned, I dreamed, I woke up, I realized that things weren't quite as idyllic as I'd been taught, I observed that as a society we were content at this vantage point because we were afraid to go forward, I'm not afraid, I see that I'm alone, (THIS IS WHERE I AM), I'm moving on without you. (This is where I'm going, I'll send you a postcard.)
*Not directed at anyone in particular.

[lmiDAKiml]

Maybe that's what I needed, I feel a little relieved at having said it. I guess I'm just different, and I can deal with that.

[arcangel]

Something did happen, actually. I grew up. Reality got in the way of my dreams. The people of this world don't want things to get better, not really. They care more about sports and television. They play video games, watch movies, get drunk, party, and generally go about their trivial, pointless lives. Even the people I go to school with, they don't care about much of anything other than money and women/men. There's no passion. People just don't care. This becomes even more clear when you read about the causes that people used to fight and die for. People would give everything they had for what they believed in. People aren't like that, we're artificial now. We don't have anything so important other than ourselves. I know there are always exceptions to the rule, but those are so far and few between. Even when you do see that passion it is typically ridiculed. I want to feel that, but I don't think it exists anymore.

Your comment about being Machiavellian threw me off. Now I'm beginning to understand. And relate maybe. You may have depression but what I think I see also is disillusionment. I agree pretty much w/ your assessment of people in general and share many of your views. It seems like you may be at a crossroads in life. Wondering if you become immersed in pop culture or become detached or find your place in the world of people who do care yet don't act or become one of the people who care and act.
My post isn't well thought out because I'm not very focused ATM but I think you will understand what I'm trying to say. I may be seeing this entirely wrong or you may not agree with how I see it... but you understand I think

[lmiDAKiml]

Originally Posted by arcangel

Your comment about being Machiavellian threw me off...

I'm quite a different person off the internet, where things can be held against me. I have a future to plan for, after all. "Now sir, we've reviewed your application in detail and we were all really on board until we researched you and found you were quite active on a psychiatric support forum back in '11..." Probably the main reason I avoid social networking at all costs, heh.

I understand what you're saying and yes, I think I am at that crossroads in life, I guess I hesitate a little because that road I find myself turning down seems awful lonely.

I'm not paranoid, despite how it sounds :P

[arcangel]

It may be lonely but it may not be as lonely as you think if you choose to be active in making life more meaningful through humanitarian or public service work. If you choose another career path then yes...you will probably be an outsider or face the possibility of abandoning your ideals in order to fit in.
Bill Hicks...quite a guy lol. I almost used one of his lines in a sig but it would probably have got me banned.
Good luck in whatever choice you make

[ECHOES]

They were not rhetorical questions, btw.

I wondered about you and your quest for purpose. It is an individual thing, I think.

Irvin Yalom wrote in "The Gift of Therapy" about this, the chapter "The Meaning of Life":
We humans appear to be meaning-seeking creatures who have had the misfortune of being thrown into a worlds devoid of intrinsic meaning. One of our major tasks is to invent a meaning sturdy enough to support a life and to perform the tricky maneuver of denying our personal authorship of this meaning. Our ongoing search for substantial meaning systems often throws us into crises of meaning"

So, it looks like you are at a point in your life where you are about to step out and into your own life, one that isn't going to be as directed and structured as it has been.
I think you have keen awareness, and that you figured out what Yalom talks about in that first paragraph of the chapter. You sense that you are going to have to create your own meaning as you begin your life's work. I think you can make it as deep and rich as you wish to, and that it is something that will evolve over time with your experiences.

I think you also are realizing that not all people want or search for meaning in thier lives, but that you do and you might wonder how that is going to work. I'm glad that you're feeling okay with who you are.

[Open Eyes]

Good, you got it out. In a way you found out there is no Santa Clause. I don't know about you but I was really disappointed when that happened. But I still liked Christmas and what I ended up liking most was the concept of the challenge of the gift. Now you would think that ( many do), t is so annoying. And oh, lets not forget the economic boom and barometer of it. But actually, it is not that hard, what it can mean is that you spend a day or a few days thinking about each person you are going to present with a gift, uh oh. Well, it doesn't have to be uh oh unless you make it that way. And it is not about the expense of the gift at all.
What it is really about is finding something that represents that person, and your acknowledgement of that person. Yes, it is telling that person you know who they are, the little nooks and cranies of them. And it doesn't have to be extravagant at all. And I could say any occasion that requires a gift.

I make cards for each of the people I give to. I make personalized cards with small cartoons on them (and they can be crude cartoons, not by an artist). Each card is something about that person that is unique. It cost me a piece of heavy grade paper, some lead in a pencil and my thoughts about that person. For example my father always loved boats when he was little. He also spends a lot of time in the bathroom (concentrating) LOL. I drew a card with the bathroom and he was concentrating and in his shower were little boats, and they were in the sink too and pictures of boats on the walls and he was sitting quietly reading a Sailor's Magazine on his special seat. That card is still on the refigerator and he laughs at it every day. And there are a few cards on that fridge because my Mom's cards are there too. And no one throws away my cards, you know why? Because it is a part of them, who they are, and they like it.

So, there you go, the moral of the story is you don't have to live big. You have to live and be YOU. You have yet to find you, forget about the empty feeling, just go out and work at filling it. You don't have to be on the calendar of some agenda that is some typical standard for life. And that is why you feel the way you do, just because SOCIETY is a certain way, you dont have to be.

The BEST thing you have said is, I GUESS I AM DIFFERENT. Yes, you are UNIQUE and there is no one like you. So don't fight it, BE YOU, TAKE WHAT EVER YOU LEARN AND GO BE YOU.

Wishing you the best, really, go be YOU.

Open Eyes