Negative prophecies, meant well?

In another thread, I said this:

I remember our family going to Disney World, and we're standing in line for Space Mountain. The whole family kept talking on and on about how I'm just not going to be able to handle it. I'm going to lose it. I'll freak out. That ticked me off! Well, as it turned out, I handled it just fine. Didn't utter a squeak.

Had my eyes closed the whole time, but still....

A few minutes later it brought to my mind something a past husband, now deceased, had told me. Lloyd's father used to tell him he was a screw-up and would never amount to anything. Dad didn't mean it. He was hoping that this would make Lloyd mad, produce a reaction of "well, I'll show HIM" and then Lloyd would get out there and do something spectacular just to prove Dad wrong. It backfired. Lloyd spent his entire (4 days shy of) 48 years of life thinking he was a screw-up and would never amount to anything.

It makes me wonder if the put-downs and negative prophecies I've heard were meant the same way. All those "you're not going to be able to do it right, you'll mess it up" messages--were they supposed to make me mad so I would be double sure I do it, and to hell with those people who told me I couldn't?

Have others experienced this as well?

Has society in general figured out by now that it doesn't work?

I don't think parents should do that. Encouragement likely will be more help in the long run if given often. I can see how it might work in the negative; but to me that's like rolling the dice on your child's future. I think continuous praise and telling how good they are at something and encouragement is going to be the better way to handle things so that the child when grown has a solid view of themselves. Just MHO, bj

I think it's a bad idea to try and encourage people with negativity, positivity always leads to greater achievements in my opinion.

I'd like to think/hope that society has taken a more healthy approach with child development.... in that-- much negative is bad and, recently they are learning that just all positive can be very harmful as well, in that a child doesn't learn to cope with negative situations or failures if they are given trophies and grandly rewarded for everything they do even if it's done poorly or with little effort.

I hope people see that rewarding true effort is a great value and that demeaning or painful criticism results in devalue.

I'm sorry you received negative prophecies growing up.
I did too, it's a beeotch to overcome, for many.

fins

I googled and tried to find it, but I can't find it right now. Years ago I read a parenting book about how to say No to your child. While the book in general was about setting limits instead of letting children do whatever they want, one chapter was devoted to the three No's they should never hear. Two of them were "No, I don't love you," and "No, you're not capable." I can't remember the third. Wish I could. That's why I was googling.

Well, I certainly got a strong dose of that "No, you're not capable." To this day I haven't had a driver's license yet. Currently studying the manual. I've passed the knowledge test before, but I need brushing up. Hubby has tried to teach me to drive, but as often happens when husband tries to teach wife, it didn't work out very well. Almost gave up due to vision problems, but that turned out to be diabetes-related, and has improved. I'd already proven to myself that I am capable of learning. I'm trying again when I get the permit, this time with a professional instructor.

Hubby and I discussed it this morning. When I was in high school, the age at which most people are doing this kind of thing, I was reading a driver's ed textbook. Unfortunately, the high school I went to didn't offer driver's ed. It had been discontinued the year before I became eligible, because that's how my luck goes. So anyway, I'm reading the textbook when my grandmother walks into the room. "Oh, you're reading about driving. Hard, isn't it?" Emphasis hers, she really did say it like that. In her defense, she herself did have a hard time learning, had to go through professional instruction as I am doing, and when she learned, cars were much more difficult to drive than they are now. Still, I'd been brainwashed my entire life to believe driving a car was about as difficult as climbing Mount Everest, and everyone's prediction was that if it ever happened at all, it would be a long struggle for me. Well, of course it has been one, but that's why the term "self-fulfilling prophecy" exists.

My family had written off the idea of me driving decades ago, before I had a fair chance to try. (This is one reason why, if you want to make me really angry really fast, assume in advance that I'm going to fail at something.) I was still in my teens when I heard my mother telling somebody I probably had a mental block, and couldn't learn to drive. Note that she said this WITHOUT ever having taken me out to let me try. Never tested the hypothesis, but drew the conclusion. Far more recently, my sister said she was shocked to hear that I had wanted to learn to drive all along. She had NOT thought I was incapable of learning. She had thought I was too scared to try. (And wasn't capable of overcoming the fear?) Again this doesn't hold up, because over the years I had repeatedly asked family members to teach me. They all told me they'd be glad to, but then never actually did it. (Because secretly they thought I was incapable?) That same grandmother who told me how hard driving was, refused to allow me to practice in her car. "Not a new driver. No way. Not in my car." Four years later, she gladly allowed my sister to practice in her car. (She had confidence in my sister's ability, but not mine?)

Wow... continuing this topic certainly is depressing. This is a long post, but I've got to dump all of this stuff and get it out of me. I've heard "No, you're not capable" too long.

Hubby has taken me from empty parking lot to slow roads with light traffic, but by mutual decision he won't be taking me the rest of the way. HE just gets too nervous, and then in turn that doesn't do anything for my own nerves. I am confident that a few professional lessons will tie up the loose ends and enable me to pass a road test. I started this journey of learning to drive 3 years ago, 30 years later in life than most people start it, and taking longer to learn it than most people do. But that's typical of me with anything that requires physical coordination. Typing. Riding a bicycle. Throwing a ball. All of those things came to me with more difficulty than it did to others, but I practiced by myself and learned to do them. If it were legal to learn driving the same way--instead of another person's presence being required--I'd have done it years ago.

yeah, I think my mother did this to me. she would also say stuff to me like, she liked a suit I had, that it would look better on her than me. so I gave her my best linen suit. came back a couple years later to find it wrinkled up at the bottom of the suitcase she took it home in. it was as if she just wanted to take it AWAY from me, she didn't even want it for herself. We talked about it years later, she said it SHOULD make me feel good to know that someone else wants what I have. I said, not if that someone else is your mother.

so - say what you mean. it's hard enough to get the right meaning across when you say it straight, let alone bass-ackwards.

^^Bass-ackwards is one of my favorite words.

Wow reading your post got me to thinking.....I was never good enough ever according to my dad. Maybe that is why I kept getting that message even when I was grown from boyfriends and husbands etc...It is a hard one to shake off. I am truly a work in progress even after all these years. I am sorry you never learned to drive. I am glad that I am not alone though! lol! My girlfriend was teaching her son to drive in the cemetery by her house, She said that was a great place for him to learn because he couldn't hurt anyone there! lol! You will do it!

I don't think what others say (and which others say them) can be taken to mean one thing or another; the individuals saying anything have different backgrounds and motivations for saying them, all about them, the individuals doing the saying, not about the person they are talking about. No one else can say what we will, can, might, etc. do or not do or think or not think or feel or not feel because they are not us!

We can choose to use our anger to motivate ourselves or turn it on ourselves and become hopeless and depressed. It's a feeling and feelings just tell us what is going on with ourselves and we decide what to do with that information. I left home when my stepmother thoughtlessly called a harmless action of mine "stupid" one time too many because I did something in a way she would not have.

I've known two people in my life that were definitely "negative Nancy's". One I call "Worse Case Scenario", the other "Guaranteed Unhappy Ending".

If I say I'm taking a drive to Denver, let's say, "Worse case scenario" starts mumbling predictions of being upside down in a ditch on fire. If I say to the "Guaranteed unhappy ending" I'm looking for a male lover who crossdresses, I get the "entire world has AIDS" lecture.

Ugh!!!

I quit associating with "guaranteed unhappy ending" and only speak with the "worse case scenarios" as briefly as possible and never talk about my plans. I don't know how either of them get out of bed in the morning -- so negative.

My suggestion, just be as cautious as you need to be in any situation, and quit listening to the doom-sayers. I'm sure, if they're anything like my two, they probably don't go anywhere or do much. Get out and live your life!

Terri

I had one teacher who liked to do that - she told my friend she would get an E at GCSE, and told me that even if I worked really hard, I wouldn't get above a C at AS level. I did prove her wrong, but still, made me hate her...