[justgivealittle]

If this is in the wrong category, feel free to move it as I don't know where to put this but I'm sick and tired of people in my life trying to tell me they know what I'm going through and whats going on. One girl I haven't talked to for years called me selfish and told me to "try" to get better as if I'm not trying at all and she thinks she knows everything. Then my sister sits there and says she understands whats going on and to turn to god.

I should back up to whats going on. I just got out of the hospital after an overdose. While there, I had homicidal thoughts toward my fiance because of his cancer and him being miserable(which he knows and understands.) Then we made a SU pact that he wants to go through with on the anniversary of one of my rapes(which is next week.)and I don't know. am I feeling like its the only option right now? yes but I don't want to hear from people who aren't actively in my life(personal life... I would love to hear from you guys.) that I'm being selfish and I don't want to get better. This girl doesn't know me or whats going on. To her knowledge I have an alcohol problem which isn't true. Did I used to? maybe but not now. I have PTSD, bipolar and borderline personality disorder as well as an eating disorder. My sister thinks she understands because she used to have SI issues and she told me to turn to God. I prayed on Sunday and I still feel miserable(no offense to ANYONE who believes in God or anything... I'm not trying to offend anyone.) I'm just frustrated that people in my personal life would tell ME I'm not trying or that they know whats going on. I think ya'll know more and can relate more than these people and I'm not going to take crap from people who "think" they know it all because they don't know crap. sorry I just had to vent. I'm miserable right now and feel like crying all the time. I have mostly mixed episodes and my BPD is out of whack and I get so angry. I just want it all to be over.

[Leed]

Sweetie PLEASE don't go thru with the SU pact! That is NOT the answer. SU is a permanent answer to a TEMPORARY problem!!! Things aren't ALWAYS going to be like this! I promise you this! Do you have a therapist? If you do, you need to be patient! I know that's a lot to ask, but I felt like you do at one time -- I had to be patient too. I had to keep going to my therapist, and IT DID GET BETTER!

If you DON'T have a therapist, GET ONE. Do anything you have to to get one! Therapy IS the answer and it WILL help. Life IS good, and it only gets better! Please -- don't do it. Promise me that. You have a whole wonderful life ahead of you -- and it will be wonderful! God didn't do all these things to you, and He isn't IGNORING you either! You just didn't HEAR his answer!!!

Talk to me, ok? You can private message me if you like. I'll answer, I promise. God bless & take care. Hugs, Lee

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by justgivealittle

If this is in the wrong category, feel free to move it as I don't know where to put this but I'm sick and tired of people in my life trying to tell me they know what I'm going through and whats going on. One girl I haven't talked to for years called me selfish and told me to "try" to get better as if I'm not trying at all and she thinks she knows everything. Then my sister sits there and says she understands whats going on and to turn to god.

I should back up to whats going on. I just got out of the hospital after an overdose. While there, I had homicidal thoughts toward my fiance because of his cancer and him being miserable(which he knows and understands.) Then we made a SU pact that he wants to go through with on the anniversary of one of my rapes(which is next week.)and I don't know. am I feeling like its the only option right now? yes but I don't want to hear from people who aren't actively in my life(personal life... I would love to hear from you guys.) that I'm being selfish and I don't want to get better. This girl doesn't know me or whats going on. To her knowledge I have an alcohol problem which isn't true. Did I used to? maybe but not now. I have PTSD, bipolar and borderline personality disorder as well as an eating disorder. My sister thinks she understands because she used to have SI issues and she told me to turn to God. I prayed on Sunday and I still feel miserable(no offense to ANYONE who believes in God or anything... I'm not trying to offend anyone.) I'm just frustrated that people in my personal life would tell ME I'm not trying or that they know whats going on. I think ya'll know more and can relate more than these people and I'm not going to take crap from people who "think" they know it all because they don't know crap. sorry I just had to vent. I'm miserable right now and feel like crying all the time. I have mostly mixed episodes and my BPD is out of whack and I get so angry. I just want it all to be over.

let me get this straight you have a suicide pact with your fiance to be carried out next week on the anniversary of one of your rapes..

Im just glad you are questioning your pact now while theres still time ***before**** doing anything.

my opinion suicide is never the answer, and you already know this otherwise you would not have posted this, plus you just got out of the hospital because you overdosed so they probably already told you too suicide is never the answer...

my suggestion contact the treatment providers you had at the hospital, let them know about the suicide pact, better yet go to the hospitals emergency department /room and tell them..they can make sure at the very least you and your fiance have time to think about your pact.

if you are having questions and regrets now before doing anything then obviously now is not the time to do it.

[justgivealittle]

Hey Lee! thanks for your message and thanks for all the hugs that the others wrote. Today started out bad and the day isn't even over and I'm feeling even worse than this morning. My fiance got in a fight with this girl and things have been building up for him. He started crying and I tried to comfort him. He told me he doesn't care whether I do it or not, but he is going to and now he really wants to. I feel like its my only option now because I'm so miserable. I'm not on any meds and I do have a therapist but I'm not to see her until Tuesday and this "pact" is supposed to happen early next week. I don't know what to do. I just feel awful. I have an ECT tomorrow so I'm gonna see what happens. I'm just frustrated and upset and feel I have no purpose and I don't even know. I could use alot of hugs right now.

[*freak*]

Justgivealittle, can you call your T before your next appointment? Just call and say it's an emergency. I really feel you should talk to someone. As for your fiance try suggesting he get some help too.

I know very well that when you're suicidal it really seems that death is the only option, but often there are many others, you just can't see them.

Why don't you tell us more about your hobbies, your dreams, the things you like to do?

[justgivealittle]

Hey freak! I did go to my ECT today and I tried to talk to the doc about doing more ECT's but he decided that I should only go once a week because he said I'm making "gains and progress" which I don't see at all. I'm not sleeping well, I have intense PTSD issues(especially with this rape anniversary on Monday) I started crying before my ECT(thank goodness the staff and the doctor didn't see me.) I'm just in a horrible spot and so is my fiance'. He is tired of feeling like he has no purpose and I'm tired of feeling like everything in my life is my fault and that I'm a miserable, dirty, fat, ugly and stupid human being. There are times where I think my fiance' is too good for me and that I'm absolutely horrible for him. Our sex life is out the window and I feel bad about that but I just can't do it. Its too triggering, its too hard, I don't like it. I can't...

As far as hobbies and dreams, I went in to music for piano since I have been playing piano ever since I was little. I switched over to social work because I wanted to help people. I also did protests and rallies for sexual violence and other issues like eating disorders etc.. I also did criminal justice as a minor because I loved the idea of learning criminology and stuff. However, I didn't finish because my illnesses took over and I had to quit. I don't feel confident enough to go back and I don't have thousands of dollars to go back anyway. I feel like a failure, like a loser and like I'm not meant to be around... honestly I feel exactly like my fiance' but I am going to call my community support worker today and talk to him because he knows whats going on. I'm afraid they are going to hospitalize me though because thats the last thing I want. However there is always someone that asks me if I "need" to be in the hospital and I don't know that answer. I know I don't want to though.

[ba.ll.oo.n]

Please, call your therapist. She will know what to do. Death isn't the option. Not because of other people but because of yourself. You deserve to live and to overcome your problems. It may seem like death is the only answer to a gazillion questions but it is not.

Try to think of this as a phase in your life where things seem unbearable but there are many more phases to come and none will be the same as this one. Hope does live, even if you can't see it now.

We are all fighters here, incredibly strong to have lived on for so long through our share of troubles, and you are one of us. You are strong and you will get through to the other side. Even if surviving right now means just lying in your bed hidden under the covers.

I wish I could send you all my courage and strenght to live right now.

[justgivealittle]

*sigh* I see what you are saying but believing it is another story. I don't feel strong.... I feel weak but like I said I'm gonna talk to my community support worker and I might call my therapist, it just depends.