[wisewoman]

Has several more violations and is losing his license. Has an attitude not matched by anything I have seen. He is so on my nerves. What on earth is going on? I want to quit. Can you quit mothering?

[JustBen]

I don't think so. It's a lifetime appointment.

Hang in there.

[wisewoman]

I feel I failed in this mothering thing.

[JustBen]

It's easy to feel that way, but try to remember that kids are their own individuals with their own free wills. We do the best we can, but ultimately they make their own decisions. (Easy for me to say, I know. My kid isn't even two yet. Still...the little will is definitely presenting itself even now.)

[Lexicon78]

(((((wisewoman)))))

Try to hang in there.

I know that's easier said than done. Your son must learn to be responsible for his own actions. It may take him awhile, but he'll learn that he can't keep having an attitude with the law or they'll take away a lot more than his license.

Being a parent can often be pretty painful. You may want to give up from time to time, but it's not always an option.

Try to take it easy right now. All the stress can drag you down so just take it easy. Do some nice things for yourself.

[wisewoman]

ahhh, thanks, balm on a wounded soul.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I do not think you failed at all...I think sometimes things like this look bad...but then time passes and bang the kid straightens up..My mom and dad were like very Walton like ...no way could I have moved a guy in no matter what was up but I drank and did drugs...Scary as it sounds Sleeps won a scholarship went to college..drank there too but did graduate with high honors and just didn't do drugs much or drink again ..SHE became a professional student ...In fact I do not drink ALL ALL now...I pretty much behaved as my mom would say..Sometimes we have to be our own person and pay for our mistakes...have rules that are firmly set and followed and ..then we make or break ourselves. It may help to say his GF WILL go if he does this stuff again and THEN STICK TO IT...My mom and dad could have followed me around 24 -7 fought or begged me to knock it off I would not have listened to them..So they had rules and I suffered when I got caught breaking them. I wasn't caught often .. Anyhow youre a good mom I think it aways comes back to being a bit more firm and consistent

[wisewoman]

Well Sleeps, Ben and Lexi, I know he is losing his license for 90 days. I know he has assault, tresspass, possession and DUI-from pot, I know he seems to not be on the same planet as I. I don't listen, I make him feel guilty, "he should feel guilty, he's done wrong". He can't please me. He was caught before 21 with his girlfreind and alcohol, again. I was sleeping in a very light sleep most of the night and I heard him open our bedroom door, peek, and then not close tight. We ended up with a 2:00 a.m. dog fight because of it.

He doesn't seem to have a conscience. He feels like a victim constantly. I have bailed his butt out of trouble for the last time and if him being here is going to hurt me like it is, on a financial level, on a spiritual/emotional level, and with my anxiety, then he is going to go SOMEWHERE else.

Lost the clutch in my car the other night. I actually made a long post about this. It got lost. No clutch in my car. 800 to fix. His car in shop. Me no money right now. No doubt the kitchen is trashed. At 2:00 I smelled that they had just cooked something. They really think they are the victims here and I am being mean. So, I am considering getting a professional mediator to help with the whole thing. Wish me luck.

[dottie]

I am so sorry you are going thru such hard times. Please remove yourself from this. PM me anytime if u need to vent. I am a good listener.~Dottie

[wisewoman]

Thanks Dottie, Can't seem to drag my butt out of bed today. However, I am going to get dressed and go play with friend's horses again.

[LMo]

((( wisewoman )))

I can't imagine the stress you must be under. You've got to feel so trapped.

how old is this kid? you don't have to be his victim.

if he's old enough to drink, smoke pot, drive and have an "attitude" with the law, then he's old enough to move out and get a job and take care of his own problems.

sorry, this sounds harsh........but you either cook or get out of the kitchen.

letting him making you his victim the first time is his fault, the second and thereafter falls on you. i've been there, so i'm not blowing smoke up your skirt. pat

p.s. if i'm missing something here, fill me in. i haven't had a computer in quite awhile. xoxopat

[LMo]

I think I know how she feels. I'm all about the concept of tough love, but I felt very similar when my husband was at rock-bottom. Showing tough love is perfect in theory but I couldn't figure out the logistics of making it work. Exactly how do you kick someone you love out of your house? I mean, precisely how do you do it, when they don't want to go? Do you put their stuff in garbage bags on the front lawn and change the locks? And how do you deal with the risk that you might stumble over them sleeping on the sidewalk a few weeks later?

I'm not saying that tough love shouldn't be done. I'm just saying that there is a huge grey area between the concept and putting it into action. If somebody could have helped me work out a set of practical steps, I would have gladly done it, but having people tell me that I "should" kick him out for his own good wasn't getting me any further along than I had previously been.

Hence feeling "trapped". Of course, I don't know if that's how Wisewoman feels, but that's how I felt.

[dottie]

how is WW going to get "untrapped"? she does sound trapped and so did i when my family was torn upside down and all around and in horrible turmoil. at some point, a child has to learn to cope with their misdeeds and not have a "nest" to go forth from and cause more grief.

a husband, to me, is an entirely different situation. different cat. i had an alcoholic, abusive and cheating husband.

there are, in my mind, more solutions for wives than there are for mothers. I HAD FOUR TEENAGERS AT THE SAME TIME. all are sober and clean, now, and i don't go to bed wondering where they are, who they are with and what they are doing. and i'm not saying that they didn't misbehave as young adults. they did. but toughlove was used then too.

it's all coming from our own life experiences and i'm coming from mine.and others are coming from theirs. if Wisewoman doesn't want to accept any of the advice she gets, that is her perogative.

[LMo]

Yeah, that's the thing -- I don't know how she gets "untrapped" either. I didn't know how to get myself untrapped. I mean, I agree that she SHOULD exhibit tough love, but the question is HOW to do it. What are the practical steps?

That's all I meant. Not that she should continue to let her son take advantage of her, but HOW she should get herself out.

[wisewoman]

Right here. The issue is that the son has bipolar and seriously does not see that his behavior and attitude is an issue. HE FEELS LIKE HE IS THE VICTIM. Meanwhile I won't even talk of the expenses. Crap, I had to take out another parent plus loan for the kid for this semester and he totally blows off one class that is in the early a.m. So.... I plan on finding a certified mediator and putting it all out on the table. His girlfriend sees that he is off and tries to settle him. He quit risperdol on his own claiming he could get tardive disconestia but I don't find that when I look up the drug.

My husband's father called today and hubby told this frail old man what this kid has been up to. I feel so bad for him to have another worry.

I told hubby that son should call grandpa and listen to what he has to say, it would do him well.

They are worried about us with me not working. I just can't stand that my family is making an elderly couple worry, they have their own worries.

Anyway, LMO, I get it. The how does one actually do it thing. I will wait for classes to be over and then it's off with a shove. They claim to want to live close to the land and I know ways they can do that without spending money. Let's see what they really can handle.

I will wait for classes to be over and then it's off with a shove. They claim to want to live close to the land and I know ways they can do that without spending money. Let's see what they really can handle.

Bravo, WiseWoman, Bravo!!

[bebop]

I don't think you can stop mothering but you can start practicing "tough love" in that I mean don't pay his way out of his troubles. let him do that on his own. They have to learn the hard way sometimes even though it is really tough on the parents. good luck hon

[desirae]

I think there are times every mother wants to go on a vacation. Or sometimes even quit. So don't feel guilty for that, that's normal.
I'm sorry your son is going through all this, and dragging you along with the ride.
Personally what I would do is either tell him how I feel, let him go for awhile so he can figure out what he needs to do, or do both.
I hope it all works out for you, and for your son.