[Bamboo_RedPanda]

The last few days I've been confused, and this isn't a new thing, I sort of go in cycles of questioning and then just ignoring everything until some sort of drama and stress drives me over the edge again. I've been reviewing my life, trying to see if there might be an easier answer, something to help explain things, but when I think I've gotten close my brain yells at me saying I"m stupid and overthinking everything, that I should just ignore everything again, but that doesn't help me any.

I've tried going to a T twice but both times I started feeling like it was a waste of time, that I couldn't be helped, that others deserve more attention than me, so I've always left them, but then I continue the cycles mentioned above. The last one discussed the possiblity of doing group therapy because of how bad I seem to be socially. Well, I freaked out about that and completely ran away from it, never signed up or anything because I was worried and nervous that things would be awkward, that I would be looked at funny, or thought of as a liar or something.

So clearly you can see anxiety, and I display anxiety in other ways as well. Fear of being called upon in class or anywhere for my opinion, my heart just starts to pound, but I've not been able to determine exactly what I think at that time, it's probably fear of being wrong and being laughed at for the most part. I used to be in choir, which was good because it was a group thing, but one time I had to hold my part by myself and I FREAKED OUT, I stood there, my heart pounded, and I ran to the back of the room and cried I was so terrified of being embarrased. I also freak out when a schedule I'm used to is interrupted. The other day class was running a little late and I started getting highly upset, started crying and snapping at the instructor in my head, trying to control myself. I bolted after she released us.

I've also seemed to become increasingly impulsive, especially when it comes to a lot of stress and just disconnecting from everyone because I can't handle everything and don't know how to talk to others. I was having a lot of stress last semester, well I removed a large number of people from my facebook (I don't have many to begin with) and removed myself from the only group I was in. I just completely isolated myself. I do this quite often actually, did this again recently. I'm impulsive in other ways, but this is getting lengthy.

As for socializing, I'm not that good at it, and I keep to myself most of the time. Even when volunteering with some people from the dorm hall I'm on, I really didn't interact with them or the people at the place we volunteered at.

I don't really get close to people, only have one friend I can say I really care about and hang out with, and I don't even open up to her too much when I'm troubled. I can talk well enough with people, but usually they have to engage the conversation first.

All of this may be causing a problem and I don't know what to do, I always start getting the mentality that I'm not worth helping whenever I try talking to a T, and it takes me MONTHS to ever go to one. It took quite a few months after that meltdown (mentioned in the impulsivity part) to convince myself it was worth going and get enough courage to walk over there.

What do you all think? So sorry for the length, I was just going to list basics, but my mind was saying that was stupid (no my mind is not another person, please don't think that). I want answers, I want to be better at talking to people and opening up with them, but it's hard

[likewater]

Bamboo- red Panda,

It sounds like you definitely have some anxiety issues hindering you socially and basically torturing you. Neurofeedback helps my anxiety. It' s a simple easy therapy. But it can be expensive unless it is available on a sliding scale. If i were you i would see if your school counseling offers neuro or biofeedback. Also, you are valuable and worth therapy. Group therapy also sounds scary but isnt because everyone else is just as scared as you are so no one is judging YOU. They are too busy worrying about themselves usually. Then people start being supportive of one another and it's nice. :-) especially if it has a good therapist. Hugs to you.

[bohogypsy]

Hey Bamboo,

Yeah, confusion does occur when we’re feeling overwhelmed and we do typically reach out for help during times of crisis (when things become overwhelming). Where do the thoughts ‘I’m stupid and over-thinking everything’ stem from if you don’t mind me asking? Does it occur at any other time?

Why do you feel therapy was a waste of time? When I went to therapy I thought it was a waste of time because I wasn’t receiving an explanation on what was wrong with me and I expected them to provide me tools to help me manage my anxiety, and not simply just discuss my background. When I judged that they weren’t meeting my expectations after a few sessions I left (a lack of patience). I thought to myself... well, that’s pretty useless I can talk to myself on my own! What am I getting out of therapy? I’m not saying you’re doing the same thing... just that there could be more to it (regarding expectations). When you say you can’t be helped. Why do you think that? And why do you feel others deserve more attention than you? To me it sounds as though you have some self-worth issues. So, from me to you...know that you are deserving of other’s care and attention. You do deserve to have well-being and peace of mind just as all people do. It’s really only you and some insecurity that you’re holding onto that says otherwise. And if someone comes up to you and says you don’t deserve something it’s you who chooses to go along with what they say or not!

Have you experienced a lot of criticism in your life? And generally feel unsupported?

From what you’ve discussed it sounds like social anxiety issues to me, something that I and others probably can relate to. Big hugs to you! Know that little steps are fine and you are fully capable of getting to where you wish to go! No need to be so harsh on yourself. Take care!

[Chrissy4605]

Originally Posted by Bamboo_RedPanda

The last few days I've been confused, and this isn't a new thing, I sort of go in cycles of questioning and then just ignoring everything until some sort of drama and stress drives me over the edge again. I've been reviewing my life, trying to see if there might be an easier answer, something to help explain things, but when I think I've gotten close my brain yells at me saying I"m stupid and overthinking everything, that I should just ignore everything again, but that doesn't help me any.

I've tried going to a T twice but both times I started feeling like it was a waste of time, that I couldn't be helped, that others deserve more attention than me, so I've always left them, but then I continue the cycles mentioned above. The last one discussed the possibility of doing group therapy because of how bad I seem to be socially. Well, I freaked out about that and completely ran away from it, never signed up or anything because I was worried and nervous that things would be awkward, that I would be looked at funny, or thought of as a liar or something.

So clearly you can see anxiety, and I display anxiety in other ways as well. Fear of being called upon in class or anywhere for my opinion, my heart just starts to pound, but I've not been able to determine exactly what I think at that time, it's probably fear of being wrong and being laughed at for the most part. I used to be in choir, which was good because it was a group thing, but one time I had to hold my part by myself and I FREAKED OUT, I stood there, my heart pounded, and I ran to the back of the room and cried I was so terrified of being embarrassed. I also freak out when a schedule I'm used to is interrupted. The other day class was running a little late and I started getting highly upset, started crying and snapping at the instructor in my head, trying to control myself. I bolted after she released us.

I've also seemed to become increasingly impulsive, especially when it comes to a lot of stress and just disconnecting from everyone because I can't handle everything and don't know how to talk to others. I was having a lot of stress last semester, well I removed a large number of people from my facebook (I don't have many to begin with) and removed myself from the only group I was in. I just completely isolated myself. I do this quite often actually, did this again recently. I'm impulsive in other ways, but this is getting lengthy.

As for socializing, I'm not that good at it, and I keep to myself most of the time. Even when volunteering with some people from the dorm hall I'm on, I really didn't interact with them or the people at the place we volunteered at.

I don't really get close to people, only have one friend I can say I really care about and hang out with, and I don't even open up to her too much when I'm troubled. I can talk well enough with people, but usually they have to engage the conversation first.

All of this may be causing a problem and I don't know what to do, I always start getting the mentality that I'm not worth helping whenever I try talking to a T, and it takes me MONTHS to ever go to one. It took quite a few months after that meltdown (mentioned in the impassivity part) to convince myself it was worth going and get enough courage to walk over there.

What do you all think? So sorry for the length, I was just going to list basics, but my mind was saying that was stupid (no my mind is not another person, please don't think that). I want answers, I want to be better at talking to people and opening up with them, but it's hard

Hi, I used to be how you are. I learned that good conversation takes practice. I always thought that I was boring and didn't know much. But I have changed that. I am very interesting now. Try reading some books for pleasure. You can certainly start a conversation with those. Read a newspaper to keep up with current events. That will also help to make you interesting. Also try to look in the mirror and smile at yourself. It may be difficult at first but with practice you will learn to like yourself and with that comes liking other people.
I wish you the very best,

Chrissy Michelle

[IceCreamKid]

I hope you feel better soon. You certainly are worth helping. Identifying where you have trouble is a good portion of finding a way to overcome it. I think you'd actually do very well with a compassionate therapist. Courage!

[Nammu]

((((Bamboo_RedPanda))))

You are worth helping.

You are a worthy person

You are a worthwhile person.

[Bamboo_RedPanda]

Thanks for the replies

@bohogypsy Let me answer your questions

For the thoughts you mentioned, I don't know where they stem from, just built up self-doubt, thinking that whatever I'm trying to figure out about myself must be false, because why would that be true for me (such as thinking "maybe there's something wrong with me and I need help" my mind just says that's not true). I think my mind, I, just don't want to deal with the possibility of something being wrong, so I come up with excuses and then go back to ignoring any problems just to have them build up again. I'm sure these thoughts do occur pretty often, they're another thing that keeps me from answering questions in class, even if I'm positive I know the answer, I just won't speak out for fear that it's wrong or I'll be embarrased (I don't talk loud either, so I hate being asked "what did you say?").

For your question of therapy, I guess I feel like it was a waste of time because, yeah they were talking to me, trying to figure myself out, but I guess I felt like I was steering things wrong, saying wrong things and that whatever I tell the T they'll interpret differently and anything I wanted help with won't be solved. I also feel like I'm a hopeless case, that no matter what I can't be helped, and I guess that answers another question you asked. So I feel like I'm taking up their valuable time and taking a space someone who can be helped could take up. I feel like others have problems that can be easier discussed, managed, and cared for, that I'm not worth being cared for or helped, that any problems I have may just be a figment of my imagination (whether they are or not) so there's nothing that can be done. I know I can be imaginative, I like to come up with stories, alternate lives with different people, and I wish I was more like them, they have support, they have help, they are interesting, and they're better socially even if they go through stuff that might hinder their social skills. I guess they're idealistic, but they use characters modeled in my own mind and not after other people. So I guess that imagination makes me think I'm making things up even if I'm not.

And your last two questions. I have experienced criticism in my life, and I try to shrug it off, but I know it still hurts, but I don't think there's anything I can do. When I was younger, elementary school age I was bullied and made fun of for being sensitive, or weird, or too quiet, all of that. I was called names, but I didn't really know how to tell adults what was going on, so I just let it happen, some bullying did persist through to middle school, but not too much. I guess you can also count schooling stuff as criticism as well. I was never too good at school (mainly math and science courses), so I was always brought down for that, the grades, the comments the teacher would put on the work, the frustration my mom would have. So I've had criticism, I just hide how I feel about it inside, I don't feel like I can open up to others, and others never really ask what might be wrong when I do seem hurt, they just go on about their own business. I'll support them, but I have a hard time seeking support for myself, so I don't really have too much.

Again, sorry for the length of this post, trying to answer the questions

[bohogypsy]

So, your rational mind is questioning those inner-criticisms e.g. is this really true? That’s good! Well, overall there is nothing wrong with you as a person. You’re a wonderful person. However, those inner-criticisms that keep replaying over and over again are hurtful. They make you question your worth and put you down. That’s probably the part you need help with – deconstructing those limiting and invalidating beliefs that make you feel insecure, and the need to create positive ones to build up your sense of self. This does take time so you need to be patient with yourself!

Based on what you’ve said, my understanding is that you won’t speak up in class because you fear the possibility of being wrong? Consequently you feel you’re being judged and from those feelings of being judged by others your emotionally reaction is to become embarrassed or ashamed of yourself. Does that sound about right? Feelings of anxiety are always anticipatory. You anticipate something will happen and you become anxious. It’s just a matter of being able to learn how to manage those responses.

I don’t think you’re a hopeless case, why do you feel the need to be so hard on yourself? Do you feel the T will judge you and think you’re a waste of time? I know it’s hard to accept that you are worth the time and effort at this point and others might be more deserving, but again I say to you that you are worth it. You do deserve to get to where you want to go and should have that support made available to you. Who says otherwise? All deep-rooted issues are going to take time to resolve so you do need to be gentle of yourself and go at your own pace. Your T should also go at your pace and I am sure they will have the patience/time to devote to you. It’s their job. They are providing a service and it really is your choice to go to them for assistance or not. If they say otherwise... just find another T who will be more compassionate. What sort of indications do they give you which make you think they don’t want to help? Perhaps it’s just your fears coming to surface that blocks you from receiving support. Just need to push through that and keep reaffirming that it’s okay to receive support. Be okay with your judgments (accept them) and continue to do it anyway.

I’m sure you have a wonderful imagination and it’s lovely to hear that you utilise it. Would you say that what you play out in your imagination is all the things you desire, but don’t think you deserve? And how you wish you could be, but aren’t in reality. They are your goals.

Yes I can imagine that those experiences would hurt and would cause feelings of regret. There is nothing you can do for you back then (can you forgive yourself? And others?), but there is certainly something you can do for yourself now. It appears that you weren’t able to stand up for yourself because of your innate personality and were never taught how. No tools or coping mechanisms. As children we depend on others (adults) and absorb everything projected at us. Validating and invalidating messages - one can outweigh the other, and those are the tapes (beliefs) that keep replaying. No-one stepped in to support you so you were tormented. When you say you did not know how to tell adults what was going on is that because you did not wish to get the other kids into trouble? It was okay for them to hurt you, but you could not bring yourself to hurt/punish them?

Yes that is very much like people, if you’re not an assertive person and don’t push things across they are less likely to step in and help you. Reservation or introversion can often make people feel that you are unapproachable, so they will hesitate and may not approach even if they perceive something is wrong. It’s as if you build a wall around yourself. Do you feel that you burden people if you open up to them? Yes, seeking support can be hard if we’re not used to having it. It does not feel natural. So, perhaps now is the time for you to slowly open yourself up to receive support? Yes it will be hard at first, but it will get easier if you keep on persisting - that’s only if you want to go down that path of course. Your action of joining and posting on this forum for support (we hear you!) demonstrates that you are tentatively opening up to receive support, so you can view that as one positive step in the direction you wish to go!

The length of your post is fine. No need to apologise! Take care!

[Bamboo_RedPanda]

@bohogypsy

Again, let me answer your questions.

For speaking up in class, yes, I'm afraid of that possibility of being wrong and having it pointed out to me that I was wrong, but I can't convince my brain that people won't care if I"m wrong, I'll just feel judged and embarrassed from being wrong. It's as simple as that. Not sure if I wrote it here, but I've been thinking about the other day in one of my classes we were reviewing a paper for an assignment we're working on, and the instructor was takling about something said in one of the paragraphs. Not being aware of it, I made a scoff (sp) and she noticed it, asked me what I was thinking. I looked around then pointed at myself wondering if she was referring to me. So she said she was and my heart started racing, and I started to shake. I did say what I was thinking, but I was freaked out about it, about being put on the spot, about what others would think. She did agree with my point though, but I was still extremely nervous when I was called on. Even in other places where I may be called on, or I may have an idea I want to share but am uncertain of, I won't really say what's on my mind, and if I do my heart does start to pound and my hands shake a lot.

Why do I feel the need to be so hard on myself? I"m not sure. I know if I seemed like I was doing poorly at something my mom would sort of snap at me, telling me that I must be dumb. Once she even explained that she told me that so I could step up and prove her wrong, but instead I backed away and felt terrible, taking her words to heart when she was just trying to do reverse psychology. So I guess stuff like that has created some of the hardness I put on myself, the thought that unless I tell myself this stuff I won't try harder, but it just ends up hurting myself instead. So maybe that's the idea behind it? That I have to be hard on myself to accomplish anything, or maybe I just think that what I'm saying to myself is actually true, and no matter what anyone else says, my brain will only accept what I tell it, what it already has set up.

For the stuff about the T. I know I've had those ideas that the T was judging me, moments of silence, or uncertain sounding statements, and just how my brain works, being so critical. Then I feel like the T might think I'm lying, or just trying to present as someone I'm not. I try to open up to them, but then I back away because of those thoughts, and it happens every time.

About the imagination question, yes I know for a fact that the stories I play out in my head or things I desire, and ways I wish I actually was. Each of the characters I create are, for one, FAR more interesting than me, and people have an interest in getting to know the person in the imagining. Another thing is they have support from others, people to talk to, and people that want to talk to them and hang out with them. Another common element in them is the actual relationships they have. Some have boyfriends that will be there for them, while I've never had a boyfriend and find it hard to get in a relationship, even if just to make friends. I just always start backing away and getting afraid and confused after a point, my brain starts wondering why is this happening, that I don't really deserve this, that it must be false, that the person is doing it to tease me, and I don't want to deal with that, with being made fun of, ridiculed, or played with, and then just being left behind. I do desire those closer relationships though

For the bullying stuff, I'm not sure if me not knowing how to tell adults had anything to do with me not wanting to get the other kids in trouble, but rather maybe I thought it couldn't be helped, that the kids wouldn't stop anyways, or the adults wouldn't really do anything. Plus, I've always been really quiet, so may have been afraid of speaking up to the adults and being called names for it.

And your last question about burdening people, yes, when I open up more and more I feel like I"m burdening them, but I also feel like I'm being self-centered and that the person won't like that and just want to leave me behind, and I don't want them to do that, but I guess that backfires and pushes them away anyways.

Lately I've been wondering if I may actually have Avoidant Personality Disorder, but how would I ever know if I'm afraid of talking to a T, and whenever I do talk to a T I start feeling like they think I"m lying, that I'm wasting their time, that others deserve their attention more than me. I just don't know what to do, it's either seek help or let my brain win and go back to ignoring these problems and just continue as I am.

[LadyShadow]

Hello Bamboo!

I read through what you and bohogypsy have been discussing, and I don't mean to butt in but there are some points I agree with. First off, don't be so hard on yourself, I can't stress enough you aren't the only one with that anxiety. I say that because I recognize you from the chatroom on this forum and I didn't stick around long enough to talk to you some more and I regret that. To be honest, to prove to you that you are not alone, I will admit to you that the chatroom made me feel uncomfortable like I was being "put on the spot" as well. I guess chats aren't for a person like me.

I feel isolated too. This is the first time I have branched out and made an effort to reach out to other people. You seem to have an amazing creative mind and I say use that! Talk to other people about your ideas, anonymously at first, if you feel more comfortable doing that like I do. For example, I joined a sci-fi forum because I love all things sci-fi and I joined the book club on this site. I have facebook too, and I recently branched out by playing the games on there. This is the most social I have ever been in my life! When I was in college(s) I felt totally out of place because I was so much older than everyone else, and I never finished because of that. I felt so alienated and indifferent so I understand what you are going through. I am very quiet too, despite the length of this post (I know, lol) and have a hard time relating to people in social situations.

Hobogypsy is right. Give your T a chance. I felt group therapy was a total waste of time when I was in a program and I felt out of place even among my peers. This is the first time where I feel at home and where I belong, so use this site and use all the resources available to help you. You are doing a great job so hang in there!

Take care

[Bamboo_RedPanda]

Thank you PlatinumHeart for your response

to bohogypsy, in relation to my feeling self-centered whenever I talk about something on my mind, opening up to others, it's because people, even if just in frustration, have mentioned it to me, and later would say it wasn't true, that they were just frustrated, but I wouldn't believe them. So I guess I take criticism to heart and I keep it there. Being called self-centered, uncaring, arrogant, stuff like that, even if it's not true and is just in frustration, those things stick in my brain that "oh they must be true." I also have the habit of calling myself a b!tch because my mom called me that out of her own frustration during arguments, but it just sticks in my head and won't go away, so I stay guarded and afraid of presenting like that in front of others, even if I"m not actually like that *sigh*

Also, please know I don't hate my mom, she's a good woman, we're both stubborn people, so we say things to each other that others would find beyond horrible, when it's just something we're used to, plus she's been through her own strife in life (not trying to rhyme, just didn't want to use curse words), so I don't want anyone thinking poorly of her for what I"ve been saying, but she's been the main one raising me since her and my dad divorced when I was 6 and I never saw him again after middle school, so a lot of examples come from her.

[bohogypsy]

That’s okay it does take time to change your beliefs. You just need to keep catching yourself when you do start to become anxious and work from there. It is harder to do in the moment when we’re triggered, so again it’s time and persistence. It must have felt really daunting to be put on the spot like that and your reactions are perfectly okay.

Yea, it wasn’t exactly the right approach. Did your mother continue to use it? People who are sensitive don’t really do well with those sorts of direct approaches. It’s easy to take things to heart. You don’t have to beat yourself up to accomplish things and yes it does end up hurting you instead. Sensitivity will never go away you just need to learn how to manage as best as you can.

Some articles on this site on high sensitivity http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...hly-sensitive/
http://psychcentral.com/blog/archive...motional-type/

Personality difference
http://blogs.psychcentral.com/attach...rences-matter/

You desire things, but worry about your ability to cope?

I see, so you felt powerless re. Bullying.

I don’t think you need to worry about being self-centred because you’re simply looking after your needs. All people do this. You’re just judging yourself for it – thinking it’s a bad thing. When it’s a completely human and normal thing to do. Perhaps you’re worried that you’ll do it too much to the point of it being annoying?

I can’t say if you do have that disorder, that’ll be between you and your T. But know this, when we are anxious or fearful the reaction that is triggered is flight or fight. Avoiding is a normal response to anxiety/fear. So, just take little steps at a time – no rush. Here is a suggestion, you seem to flow well when you write so why don’t you write up something for your T to let them know about your concerns... that way you don’t have to stress yourself when you do see them and don’t have to worry about explaining things in the moment.

They've called you self-centered? perhaps those aren't the best people to open up to. Their annoyances are not really about you, but probably them. Sometimes when venting or talking about certain things it triggers others and they get defensive or deflect (change the subject). It's not about you it's about their inability to cope. I understand what you mean, it can be hurtful when people get abusive. It's uncalled for and says more about their issues than yours. Also, introverted or shy people do come across as aloof. I've been called most of the names you've been called too.

Yup, I understand you re. your mother. Mine is like that too and is hypercritical because that's her way of showing concern (or wanting the best for me).

Take care!

[Bamboo_RedPanda]

@bohogypsy

It took me a while to think up a way to respond to your post.

I looked at the sites you gave me, briefly, and I can tell you already, and I knew this before, I'm not a highly sensitive person, as in I don't have high sensitivity (at least I'm fairly sure I don't).

Sure I make up the stories in my head and wish i was that character more than I wish I was myself, that what that character has is what I wish I had, but I wouldn't go as far as to thinking that I'm worried about my ability to cope, that's most likely not the point of creating those stories. They're just people with traits I'd rather have but don't.

I've tried that writing my thoughts out thing both times I went to a T, it didn't go as well as hoped, and the T sounded uncertain when she read what I wrote, and then just asked so many questions that I couldn't really answer on the spot, which would lead to awkward silences and the feeling that what I had put and/or said was wrong, weird, seen as a lie, or anything negative. I probably won't see a T again, and if I do it'll be months, even years from now since I have that fear my mom would snap at me for it, saying nothing's wrong and I shouldn't bother wasting the money we don't have (moving back in with her, the two T's a saw were at the University I was at, and were free).

And I probably am self-centered, anytime I actually want to talk about something it's something related to myself or whatever I've been doing. Those people were probably right, talking out of frustration it's probably pretty difficult to lie.

Maybe this was all a waste of time as well I'll never have answers, and I guess it's dumb to dwell on it, maybe I should just do what I always do, accept it and move on.

I"m sorry

[bohogypsy]

So, what's stopping you from building up those traits?

Okay, if seeing a T is not doable right now you can always keep hanging out here. There might also be services available online. I'm sure there are other options (for example, here in Au you can get 12 sessions free with a T), but I don't know where you're located so can't help you there.

In my experience most people talk about themselves and what they've been doing or they talk about other people and what they're doing. However, I've noticed that people do it more when they're feeling depressed or stressed or haven't spoken to someone properly in awhile (lonely). They become self-absorbed and will focus entirely on their stuff. For example, I have this one acquaintance who will chat about herself for hours without asking what I have been up to because she is either obsessing over something or stressed out. It doesn't bother me and I set boundaries. I'll say that I don't have time right now and will negotiate another time if she really needs someone to talk to (a sounding board).

Exploring is only a waste of time if you view it that way. It's not dumb to dwell and to try to understand what's bothering you. It's quite normal, so try not to be so hard on yourself about that.

No need to apologise