Forced to hide my true feelings, a permanent poker face

After my last session with my T, he wanted me to try urge surfing and be more aware of my emotions. I just realized at the dinner table how much I avoid emotion, creating a permanent poker face for the hellish rage I'd like to unleash. I push it down so far so that I can't feel it, when secretly I'd like to scream in my parents faces how hypocritical they are. I don't know where to begin. They are always criticizing, always yelling, always telling me what to do and what not to do. Every time, I want to throw something and scream in their faces, but instead I do nothing. I don't make any facial expressions. Sometimes, I don't even feel any emotions. But I know it's there in the back of my mind.

I want to express how I feel, but every time I try I start crying so badly I'm incomprehensible. Now every time I start feeling angry I smoke and it dulls me. I don't know what to do.

I constantly hide everthing I'm feeling too. I'm so good at it that my last T couldn't read me, my current T can't read me and my Pdoc can't read me!

My parents are very much like what you described; they're very critical of everything I do, like to demonize everything I like and have control issues. However, what I would like to say to them would only be harmful, so I keep it to myself. I've never heard of "urge surfing," but it sounds alot like catharsis, which is really destructive. I suppose keeping those bad thoughts mental is something we have to do maintain our relationships with the people we love, no matter how much we dislike them. (if that makes any sense...)

I usually have so much bottled up that even when I want to express it I don't because I know I will come off completely irrational because I have kept it in so long. When that happens I always wish i would have said something as things have happens instead of waiting for everything to build to the point where I can't say anything even if i wanted to.

I have 'blunted affect' grew up lacking facial expression.
As a child i was forever asked "whats wrong?" it annoyed me but angered my parents because they were expected to answer. I was often punished because of it, not understanding why or what i had done wrong. My parents said i was purposly refusing to smile and they were sick of it. Also the reoccuring 'i ruined photo' scenerio. Its hard to smile when you already thought you had been and harder to not think somethings wrong with you when asked daily.
Today there is not one photo of me smiling
And people still comment 'cheer up' and 'i look too serious'.

I'd be sorely tempted to say "---- off" to the next person who told me to 'cheer up." Almost every family photo that was ever snapped was taken as and/or right after my mother railed against me for this that and everything. To this day I will not willingly pose for photos. Did I mention that after the photos were developed I had to listen to my mother tell me how awful I looked in every shot? And then she railed at me for not smiling when she was telling me how awful I looked in every photo. I'm getting sick just thinking about it. Sorry.

You have no idea what it is like to read your post IcecreamKid, knowing that someone else has experienced this. Thank you and i am sorry.
I used to hide or cover my face in photos so i didnt have parents telling me how bad i looked and its been along time since i would let someone take my picture. There is an overwhelming level of anxiety when i see a camera.

Then there's the other extreme. My husband would make me so mad, I would completely blow up. I remember right before I finally left him, I blew up & I really understood that saying "being so angry you see RED". It was a horrible feeling & since I left him & moved 2100 miles away, I no longer feel that level of anger & I no longer see red even when I get a little mad at something. I was never one who could hold anything in even with my parents

I'm mentally fuming right now, but physically nothing. What can I do? I had the best three days of my life and now it's over and back to reality, back to the routine, back to family yelling...and what the hell can I do?