[Maven]

I've got some serious problems, and I'd like to ask for some information and advice. I'm going to do some research, but I'm asking here, too, because some of you have good info to offer. In short, I need to know what are my rights as a mentally disabled person living in an apartment?

I know the apartment owners and management have rights, and I'm not arguing that. I just want to know what protections I have.

Here's the short version of what's happened: I do regular housecleaning, but there are some things I can't do (at least without extreme anxiety and stress), and some things I simply need my boyfriend to help with (for instance, I'm too short to reach some things, and don't feel safe at my weight to stand on the couple of chairs we have), and he is pretty bad about procrastinating.

When we moved here, I asked my boyfriend to get a new trash container, since the one from the old apartment was nasty and dirty to me. He didn't, so dealing with the trash is his domain. If I drop something in the trash, and it hits the trash container without going in, or touches something that missed, I can't touch it. Therefore, I can't pick it up, and it falls on my boyfriend to pick it up. I also can't pick up some things that I drop in some areas. He sometimes lets that go for a few days.

I know it's not easy to live with me and my OCD, and I know I'm a burden. But I'm not the only one at fault here. I do virtually all the housework, laundry, cooking, etc. He works outside the apartment, and I hate this living arrangement, but I do what I have to, despite hating the way things are. The few things I've asked him to do, he almost always procrastinates. I wish I could afford to live alone, and not be a burden on anyone.

Anyway, long story short, some rooms in the apartment became cluttered. My boyfriend also has a bunch of boxes of stuff from our last apartment that he never sorted out or got rid of. There's also a bunch of videotapes of mine in some boxes (there's four or five small to medium boxes near one wall, but I don't know think there's videotapes in all of them; also, he has videotapes in the boxes, too). I don't touch those boxes; they're dusty and dirty. Still, I want to keep some of the videotapes, but we hadn't gotten around to going through them (my boyfriend has to help me).

Anyway, our phone line stopped working one day, so my bf called maintenance. The maintenance guy told the manager about the clutter, and she called my bf and told us to clean up and there would be an inspection. I did A LOT of work, and it was HELL on my OCD, and I'm stressed out, having stomach problems, getting headaches, and my OCD and anxiety are MUCH worse under the stress, and she wasn't happy with the inspection, because there were spots on the carpet (from spills) and the refrigerator hadn't been cleaned out yet (my bf's job). The maintenance man was with her. He'll have to come back to fix a cabinet door, which means more stress for me (I'll be alone when he comes; my bf will be at work), and they're going to send carpet cleaners. Additionally, if our lease is renewed (it's coming up soon), we'll have to have inspections every two months.

She also told my boyfriend he has to get rid of the boxes she saw. I don't really get that. I mean, the ones with the videotapes, anyway, aren't taking up much space, and they're not blocking anything. I don't think she has the right to tell us we have to get rid of the videotapes, when they're not causing a hazard.

I'm not arguing that we need to keep the place clean, and I do try, but I'm upset and suffering physically and mentally from all this. My OCD is really acting up, as is my panic disorder. I'm nervous and shaky. I'm having nightmares over this. I can't live just anywhere, so I'm scared about being kicked out, because finding a decent and affordable apartment that suits my OCD is really hard. I remember from our apartment search.

Please give me some advice and information on my rights. This is taking a physical and mental toll. I need to know how to protect myself. Thank you.

get a letter from your doctor stating that due to medical reasons you cannot have this type of stress.

get a copy of your lease - check to see if it says anything about regular inspections.

Also fury keep in mind that she is not allowed to rag on you for normal wear and tear.

I would contact the local tenancy board to see what info they can provide to you. And no, they cant make you get rid of your things unless it is a fire hazard/some other type of hazard.

[Maven]

Thank you, Rainbowzz. I'm really scared about this. I will call my psych today when they open and see if they can give me a letter and some help.

I've also emailed some resources, such as NAMI-NJ, in hopes they have aid to offer. (I'm in NJ, btw, for those who have further info and need to know what state I'm in; this is also mentioned in my profile info at the left of my posts.)

whoooops

your not fury, though you have the same avatar

my goof :P

Sorry Maven

advice still applies

*blush*
i feel rather dumb right now.

[Maven]

It's ok, that's what I figured happened. The avatar looks kinda like me.

[Sabrina]

Routine inspections are acceptable (if that is what they are) but I cannot see how your landlord / manager has any right in telling you what you may or may not keep in your apartment. If you had a room full of boxes - so what?

I rented out my house for years and was horrified with the way some of my tenants lived - but as long as they weren't damaging the house and property, I had no right to tell them to clean more often.

I also feel your boyfriend is not being very fair to you and that, with his procrastination, he is placing undue stress and pressure on you.

Please take care - I hope it all works out.

[Maven]

Thank you, Sabrina. My bf does some things that cause me more stress, but I don't tell him a lot of it, because he tries (usually), and also because he has a personality that intimidates me. When I frustrate, upset or anger him (or, rather, when anything frustrates, upsets or angers him), he gives me an exasperated sigh, shouts an abrupt curse word, and/or groans, and my dad used to do this sort of thing, so maybe that's how I ended up with my bf (even though I wasn't consciously looking for my dad), and it makes me cringe inwardly.

Recently, my bf asked about a situation, and when I said it would be the same as another, he thought that meant it wouldn't be as bad as he thought it would for me, but he doesn't get that, inside, I am doing far worse than I depict outside. A lot of people think I'm "ok" because I don't always shake, cry, rock, or act "mental" when I'm going through stuff. Part of it is because I know I have to deal with the situation, and as much as I'm struggling inside, I've learned that releasing all that upset just delays getting what needs to be done, done, so I can get to where I can relax again, and I've seen how people look at me and judge me when they see what's inside, so I don't show it nearly as much as what's going on inside.

When my brother attempted suicide years ago, I sat on the couch pretty still, and later, my uncle didn't believe I was going through anxiety when they brought my brother downstairs to go to the hospital, because he said I was "cool as a cucumber."

WARNING IM GOING TO BE BLUNT HERE>>>>

I am handicapped. I wear braces and use crutches and I live in an appartment.

Appartments have fire codes they must live up to or the whole complex gets shut down and all tennets evicted. Unsanitary conditions is one thing that can and WILL get the appartment complex here shut down by the city government. It is because of these city ordinences and fire codes that this complex has inspections every 6 months.

I certainly would not want to be the blame for the city fire inspectors coming in and finding my home unsanitary because I like you posted here - don't pick up after myself when I miss the garbage can and leave my stuff laying around, and then the place getting shut down so that 204 families at the least are rendered homeless.

I have friends with OCD and they are all maticulous about be clean and sanitary. In fact they have panic attacks if everything is not in its place and everything is spic and span. (Ever see Monk thats OCD and what my friends go through)

How do my friends handle their OCD of dropping things - first they make sure they put the garbage in the garbage can. even if they have to cross the room and be riight next to the can. They also use rubber gloves, latex gloves and a pole grabber (a pole with a claw like end that can open and close to pick up things. sometimes they wear a rain coat and rain pants when cleaning so they do NOT get dirty.

Plain cardboard boxes make a home look unsanitary in itself. when I have to use a box in the living room I either cover it like a stand in a corner with a clean sheet or I buy some contact paper that will go with the room decor to cover the the box. Putting contact paper in it also makes the boxes washable with a damp cloth or dusting wand.

If you really want to remain there you are the one that must take the steps to keep the appartment up to the appartment standard laws and city ordinances because yes the managers can and do evict people around here for what you have posted here.And a judge will not accept OCD as a reason why you dont have to pay for the cleaning costs, painting the walls and new flooring that may have to be done from unsanitary conditions if the managers do evict you.

[Maven]

The place was cluttered, not unsanitary. It's all clean now. There are no fire hazards. Rubber or latex gloves are not enough for me, and still mean washing my hands, because they make my hands sweat. They don't prevent dust from getting on me. I can't afford to buy a bunch of equipment, and my boyfriend both won't and can't get all the stuff I'd need.

You seem to suggest that because my OCD is not like your friends, that while I need to have things clean to touch them (and things have to be a certain way), but I can't touch things that touch the trash can from our previous apt. (if my bf had gotten a new one, this wouldn't be a problem), that my OCD is not real. Not every sufferer of OCD suffers in the same way.

We do not have cardboard boxes all over the place. There's a small area where my videotapes (and my bf's stuff) are, and there are a couple more with stuff of his in another area. I can't touch these boxes, and no matter what was done to them--contact paper or whatever--I cannot touch them without going through a huge washing ritual. And when I say I can't touch them, that also means with a dusting wand or anything. Most of them are my bf's, anyway.

He tells me he's going to try to keep up with his part, and I hope he does. But I can't control him. I can only do what I can do.

You act like I said we had food and garbage all over the place, and that wasn't the case. The blinds were dusty, and there was clutter. That's been handled.

You know, I've been in the bathroom much more often, had stomach aches and stomach nervousness, suffered headaches, bad nerves, and my OCD and anxiety have been worse through all this, plus I had to deal with other things in recent days, and I don't need this crap. I asked for advice on my rights. I already acknowledged the apt. people have rights.

Maybe I should just leave here, too. I had no one to talk to, because my bf doesn't want me talking to anyone, and I'm suffering and scared and alone, and I can't even get relief when I sleep because I have nightmares, and I'm doing the f***ing best I can. I'll go away and not be a burden to anyone. One day, I'll be somewhere by myself and I won't talk to anyone, so no one will have to worry about me or hear my sh**. The hell with me.

[dottie]

Contact your local FAIR HOUSING office. They can help you with your problems. GL

~Dottie

Like I said I was going to be blunt. Im not saying you are not OCD. I pointed out Monk because that is what MY friends are like. There are different obsessive behaviors and Monk is the closest thing I could think of that would describe MY friends.

When I hear the word trash in an appartment what I think of is being in the kitchen and cooking and for example opening a can of tomatoes and throwing the can away and it hist the floor - tomato splatters. That kind of garbage is considered unsanitary.

here a plastic rain /pqaint coat and pants (disposable one time use not the rubber variety) costs $1.99. - 5.00 depending on brand names one of my friends prefer dutch boy more durable Latex gloves .99 - $1.99 in the dish soap isle a pole grabber in a hardware store cost $5.00 . Yes it requires washing afterwards with my friend but that what a shower is for she says to me when we are together.

No you cannot control your boyfriend.

Good luck to you in what ever you decide to do. I gave you suggestions of what my friends do . You say they dont work for you. ok good luck to you.

[Maven]

I don't use cans of tomatoes. I make very few kinds of dishes. As for any spills on the floor, like I said, I clean the apartment on a regular basis. But I don't pick up what hits the trash can. I pick up stuff that doesn't hit the trash can.

I don't have spare money left after paying rent and bills each month. I give almost every penny of my disability to my boyfriend for those things. And to be honest, I've never seen disposable rain coats and pants. Not saying they don't exist, but I've never seen them. Things that make me sweat make my OCD worse.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

That's crazy,....I have boxes`in my house.....Your place sounds fine minus that ...can you maybe get some of them rubber milk crates stack them against a wall and put videos in them? It could not be considered a fire ir rat hazard

hugs

[Maven]

Well, we're going to be getting rid of the boxes, but not all the videotapes (I was planning on going through them at some point, to see which I want to keep and which I don't), anyway, but put them in something else. The thing is, we cleaned up, and I just feel like all the hell I've gone through was more than enough, and then the management acts like it was far worse than it was. I've undergone a lot of other major things lately, and I just didn't need this. I just want some support, not to be kicked while I'm down.

I swear, if I drank, I'd be stone drunk right now.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

I hear you and would sit next to you and drink too I am just saying to keep the tapes move them to maybe milk crates stacking them like bookshelves may be easy fast and best.....I am concerned that any help you may get would come after an inspection....They seem way strict IMO maybe the dude had the hots for you and you didnt come on to him so the creep made a huge deal out of the boxes

hugs

[Maven]

The dude is a she. And she brought the maintenance man who made the complaint to her with her. She's one of those real strict types.

[SleepsWithButterFlies]

Thats beyond strict...its crazy boxes with tapes in them are harmless ...Its all frustrating I am sure

[Sabrina]

Maven, I think you have done more than well under the circumstances, especially as you have not had the support you deserve from your bf.

I do not have OCD so these words will probably seem so trivial, but you deserve a little time out for yourself after this last ordeal.

Sending peaceful thoughts!

[(JD)]

Yes, I think extra stress can increase your OCD reactions. Have you thought about getting one of those reach extenders? That way you could reach what you need, but also pick up the stuff you can't touch.

IMO your boyfriend has his own issues, and I'm not sure how much good he is doing you. sigh.

Ask the management why the boxes have to go...it could be a fire insurance issue, that's all. TC

[eskielover]

I lived in appartments for 7 years here in California & never once had a manager or anyone inspect any of my appartments. My first appartment had a stove that didn't shut off the oven when it reached the temperature.....a definite fire issue. It was Thanksgiving weekend when I found out what was happening. The manager told me that the owner was the one who fixes those problems & wouldn't be able to get around to it for awhile. When I told the manager I would call the fire department, the owner was out the next day to fix it. My last appartment was a no child/no pet appartment & I ended up with both....& never was evicted.

Just to lighten the mood a little....a new manager came into my last appartment when I had a problem with a leak in the ceiling from water in the appartment above us. The past manager had given me her hamster when she moved & I had a pet rat already. The hamster came down the hallway in the plastic ball that he could run in....& just as the manager saw that, my pet rat came running out from behind the TV. All I got from that was "do you have any more of those little things running around?" & we just laughed. The only thing I hated in that appartment were the huge black roaches that would come out at night. When I was pregnant with my daughter & had to get out of bed at night to go to the bathroom, a roach ran across my foot.......wow did that cause a scream. Roaches were common in that area & no matter how well they sprayed for them, I think they were resistant to the insecticide.

Our spare bedroom was our store room with all our moving boxes that never got unpacked. Boxes were piled all over that room until my daughter came along....then it turned into the nursery. Not once did any manager complain about the mess.

Now, the 2500 sq foot home I am in after being here 20 years, has become a huge junk pile that would make the fire department cringe. The junk pile started after my anxiety & depression (which was situational from my job). To top that off, I am now cleaning out my mothers home after she died last year & have boxes with no where to put them so they end up in the middle of the front room & where ever I can find a vacant spot to put them. I have pathways layed out to get from place to place with some paths that have to go over a few boxes.

I am sure your appartment is no where close to the disaster I am living in......a few boxes with videos in it shouldn't be a problem.....& no where close to being a fire hazard. A lady (a friend of an aquaintance) I met after going out on disability had the all time disaster the fire department would have had problems with. She was raising dogs & had them basically wall to wall & the mess they made was never cleaned up....with everything being piled up on top of everything else. Now that was a serious problem & your place doesn't sound anywhere close to these disasters.

I know that our disabilities cause problems with getting things done......like the trauma I went through at my mothers home when I caught the home care RN applying for a credit card using my Mothers ID, then she had the police called to the house to accuse me of abusing my Mother, then found that she had OD'ed my Mother on morphine along with other threats that surrounded that. The fear of going back to the house kept me away for quite awhile.....yes, the nightmares, flashbacks, the feelings of depersonalization were & still are haunting me everytime I go there (almost 1 1/2 years later). I am the only child & have to do everything myself. I have come to the point where I can't afford to take anymore time to finish & get the home sold no matter what I go through when I am there....(so can relate to having to stuff my feelings).

It sounds like your BF does an awful lot....especially since he is working full time outside of the appartment.....sounds like he may be tired when he gets home & has quite a lot of responsibilities to do around there to take care of too. When people are tired, they do procrastinate at times.....it is bound to happen to him also.

IMO, I would want a list of the SPECIFIC complaints the manager has about your appartment in order for you not to have to worry about anything other than those exact complaints. Getting the list will help you focus your efforts on what they want cleaned up. It may be much less than what you are imagining.

There are many disabilities that cause problems in getting things done....not just OCD & yes, sometimes we have to force ourselves into situations we don't like being in or doing things we don't want to do. Yes, they do cause heightened anxiety until it is over with & we can sigh a sigh of relief & realize that we did actually accomplish what we thought we couldn't......this in & of itself is something we can look at as a positive step to controlling our disability. Something I have learned is that I can't use my disability as an excuse to not do things that have to be done......some things won't go away & we have to be creative & find ways around our disabilities in order to accomplish what we think is the impossible.

Take care....you can do this,
Debbie

[Maven]

Thanks, guys. One of the things that upsets me so much is, we really cleaned up the clutter, and worked our asses off at it. I do clean regularly, but my boyfriend let magazines and junk pile up on our living room table, which is one of the things I don't touch. I mean, that's one thing that happened. The table and its contents got dusty. My bf handled that, in our cleaning spree. I can't do that kind of cleaning a lot, which is why I do the regular cleaning I do, so other things don't get like that. I don't just mean I can't just in terms of OCD, but in terms of stress.

And don't misunderstand; my bf does a lot of things for me, and tries in a lot of ways. There are things he does which are not helpful, and things which actually hurt. Plus, he has a temper that makes me cringe (I don't mean he hits me or yells and screams at me, but when something upsets him, his reaction scares me). That's just something from my childhood. I want to get out on my own and not be a burden for him.

I'm feeling a little better, although still depressed. What really got me is, we worked so hard, and then the manager (who hadn't seen the apt. when it was messy) was still so critical. Honestly, no one would be freaked if they saw our apt. It's clean. But my bf didn't get the blinds completely clean (the wet cloth he used left some dust gooped near the strings that hold the blinds--it's not much, but visible), and he commented to the manager, "Oh, I didn't see the blinds weren't all clean. I'll have to wipe them down again," to which she said, "Yes. You will."

Like I said, there's a bathroom cabinet door to be fixed--it broke just when we opened it one day, and we did tell them about it, but no one came to fix it--so we'll see the maintenance man again soon, and some grouting to be done (not our fault), but that's minor stuff.

The thing is, it's not definite our lease will be renewed (and that's coming up soon). I'm like, damn! The place looks fine! Yeah, we'll put the videotapes in plastic storage bins--we were going to do that eventually, anyway--but it's not like we had roaches and rats.

My mom's house had roaches after my aunt moved in, because the furniture she brought in had roaches (long story, and a long time ago), and I remember a mouse in the house (it ran over my foot one time! I jumped a mile high, and we all know white girls can't jump! LOL!), but this apartment hasn't had any such problems. They're nice apartments, although not rich-people apartments.

TC, I'm actually considering getting an extender, when I calm down, and trying to deal with my OCD in using it. Despite all the problems I have with OCD, I've overcome a lot, too, and using an extender might be possible with a little work on the OCD thoughts.

Debbie, I used to have hamsters. When I got my last ones, Squirt and Scoot, when the girl handed me Squirt, she peed on me, LOL! I used to block off my room and make sure nothing dangerous was on the floor, and let them out to roam around. They liked that. I never had a rat, but I love them!

[Sabrina]

Maven, I think you have handled and coped with the whole thing really well. Despite the stress and fear the whole situation has caused you, your strength has shone through. Well done and Good luck!!