Why do I do this to myself? (Self-pitying, pathetic post ahead)

I was just curious. I googled "is ***lbs at 5'5" fat?" (replace the asterisks with my weight - I'm not revealing it here) and clicked on the first site that came up. A girl with my height and weight was asking the same question. Some people were nice and told her she wasn't "fat-fat", but most people were just horribly rude. I won't repeat their words. Why do I do this to myself?

Why? There was no need for me to Google that, but as usual my curiosity got the best of me. Why are people so mean? Just, why?

Sorry for this stupid pathetic post. When my mind is curious about something and tells me to do it, I have to so I can let it go.

Why do I hate myself. This is the worst, lowest feeling I've ever had. This doesn't even compare to the pain I feel when I find out people are talking about me behind my back. At least I can blame them for that. With this, I've only got myself to blame.

Please don't be rude if you reply.

((Indie'sOK)) many hugs to you.

All I can say about people being mean, is that some just are- nothing really you or I can do about that but not to take their words so heartily to wound us so.

I am overweight I will not lie, I could gain to lose a few pounds but ya know, one thing that I started when i was around 18 (due to I had and still do have self esteem issues) is tell myself one nice thing about me- usually my eyes, and say, see that is good trait that others like "physically about me". And to my surprise, some do find me cute (that is a shocker to me-- and I will bet to wager that someone else finds you cute or even beautiful )

And why ask questions about what you do- you are curious, you want to be informed, there is nothing wrong with that- Please do not beat yourself up over wanting to find out some answers to some questions as such as "Am I healthy weight or not"... I think that should be the question and NOT if "Am I fat?"- gives a little turn of perception on it a little.

Many hugs to you

Thank you so much beauflow. The thing is that I AM at an unhealthy weight. I didn't google that to find out whether I'm healthy or not - I did it in some sick attempt to further validate what I already know about myself. I don't know why I did it. I didn't think it would make me feel so bad.

I posted about this further in the Psychotherapy forum. This is really about therapy issues - I probably didn't need to start two threads on the same thing. Mods: If one of them should be deleted, please make it this one and not the one in Psychotherapy.

Some times humans are self destruction- I agree this is psychological issue-

It can be hard to get out of the habit and pattern of self destruction, it does take help at times and takes will power.

I.e. I smoke about a pack of cigs a day- It is no mystery that cigarettes are really unhealthy, in my case and every smoker out there, we need to stop--- It is more than an addiction though for me as far as physical nature, some days I light up saying- who cares//// The answer should be - I care.

Back on the idea of "Fat"--- that is like asking a hand full of people, Am I sexy? you are going to get mixed reviews for how people preserve what that is. And if you already have a negative thing in your head of what you think you are to others, the negative comments will stand out and stick more than the positive ones. (I do that at least). It comes down to at least for me, to perceive myself a little different, and see another *angles* perhaps and to remind myself- Perhaps I am not that hideous swamp creature that I think I am some days... Also a big thing to remember for me is that I am not in everyone else's head, as well as- As well to remind myself that some of opinions from others, do not matter when it comes down to the nitty gritty -- it is in the end myself's opinion.

And if I already know a negative thing about myself that I want to be better at-- it does come down to "work on it" if I wish for that wish to be true.

I hope some others can help you on this as well- many hugs

I recommend a documentary called 'Secret'.

Not all people like it, and I also did not like it 3 years ago, and called it absolute trash..

But now, after watching it, I truly know how our mind works. You can stop hurting yourself by realizing that you really do not want to hurt yourself.

I have a habit of pity-ing my self and whining about how hard my life is. But after I changed my mindset to that of 'problem-solving' for myself, I am now trying to get any help I can. Starting from 'mindfulness' therapy sessions to hypnotherapy.

About your weight issue, it is unhealthy if you think it is unhealthy. And if you think more about it, more depressed you become, and thus losing your will to truly problem solve.

It is not easy. Accepting yourself is the hardest thing to do, and I struggle with it myself alot although I have been doing meditation and self telling for some time.

I hope I did not offend you with my reply. Or and I have been treated rudely in my life because of my weight too. I am much healthier then people who are a lot worse than me, but it is a bad tradition of Korea to say bluntly to people 'wow you are fat, you seriously need to lose weight'.

Don't worry. You are not the only one who felt depressed about weight and hated others for being so mean with it. But what can I do? I try hard to lose it, and I just have to accept that yes I am bit 'fatter' than people