[queen_of_hearts]

today I've been thinking a lot about the future, and what it could possibly hold for me. through this i realized that i have no idea whats next. i have no family, a few friends but not super close to anyone, and now that me and my "fiance" are splitting up, i have no body. i literally am not loved by a single person and pretty much just don't exist to the world at all. i have no one that cares about me and no one that would be lost if i died. i don't have anywhere to go or anyone to talk to except usernames on a screen. i have no clue how to take the next step, except to move out of state where i don't know a single person and try to start fresh. but that means meeting new people and having to tell them about myself and my past and i don't like talking about my life. no one around me understands what I've been through and how it has effected the person I've grown to be. i feel like my childhood has completely ruined my whole life and i will never get past it. all i want is to start over and have a real family and to grow up normal with normal social skills and normal thoughts and normal emotions. but that cant happen. i just want to have a family that i know will always be there for me when i have nothing else. i don't understand what i did to be dealt such a ****** life. i just want to feel nothing and care about nothing. there's no point.

[righteous]

hey sis it is what it is...Ok no one knows all the trouble we've been through or our sorrow. So sorry but what d o you want from me. LIsten people will do everything in their power to get what they want. ONLY YOU CANT HURT PEOPLE TO DO IT! being in a crappy mood assaulting words and gestures hurt people INSIDE" we cannot do this its not in our makeup actually its evil. well sis i pray you can do it...just go for life! besides the hard stuff teach us more than the nice feely good stuff RIGHT? sorry... -Joe

[Perna]

I felt a lot of that until I was about 35 years old. I married the love of my life when I was 39. I would move, if I thought that would help me, and find a good therapist and start seeing how much of the "good" life I could build for myself. I don't think anyone here would say they "grew up normal with normal social skills and normal thoughts and normal emotions and a family that they know will always be there," ever. My theory is that you struggle with ugly stuff until you are 30+ then take the next 30+ years trying to sort it all out and when you do, you're done.

One of my favorite quotes, "the happy ending cannot come in the middle of the story". It tells me, if I'm not happy, I still have time to work and make it so before the end of the story.

[queen_of_hearts]

so 60 years of unhappiness for a few years of happiness before you die? that doesn't sound worth it to me..

[righteous]

don't divulge too much information to strangers they are strange. And realize you are a persone. And THATS GREAT! because we imagine things of others we use our heads! If you have an itch its enough to move on and through people Be courageous! DO what you want! O and say what you mean and Mean what you say! because those who mind don't matter and those who matter don't mind. they could just be lost too but then your one up on them in the situation TOO! well sister i think i've told all I could say...sorry lifes rough but you have to work it...well maby girls don't but I know men do! lol laters

[mimmzy]

feel like you do,especially today. Hoping tomorrow is better for us both. I know action, that is doing something to help yourself,be it seeing a therapist, joining some sort of group
where there might be common interests is the best way to go but sometimes we get stuck
as again I 'm feeling. For me I hope tomorrow will be better, very often it is...for you keep saying and believing things will get better. Tomorrow is anew day. We never know where our luck lies....just get out there and do the best you can...keep on trying...I too have no family and I know it stinks. You're young and your luck can change in a minute for the better. Just keep thinking or repeating mantras that things 'will get better'

[here today]

Originally Posted by righteous

LIsten people will do everything in their power to get what they want. ONLY YOU CANT HURT PEOPLE TO DO IT! being in a crappy mood assaulting words and gestures hurt people INSIDE" we cannot do this its not in our makeup actually its evil.

I'm very willing to acknowledge there may be something wrong with me. I'm in therapy and several years ago considered very seriously that some of me was evil. So, if there is, I have been trying to understand and contain it.

But I truly don't understand -- maybe you can explain it to me? How is it that my being in a crappy mood hurts other people? If I can't get out of it except by faking -- which I did for years and years and years.

I numbed out the hurt I had inside from my childhood and now -- if my being in a crappy mood hurts somebody else, I really don't understand that. Plus therapists all these years ago used to say "get in touch with your feelings" and "be authentic".

The other people in my family and my children, we all learned to keep our pain to ourselves, too, and so they won't tell me. Or maybe they think I should already know.

So, now despite all the therapy, I'm like the First Poster (queen_of_hearts). What's the point?

[runswithscissors42]

The point is: every cell in every life form revolves around living, opposed to giving up.

Allegedly non-sentient life forms exist as nature dictates, while most animals also exist as nature dictates. Humans remain at the high end of the food chain because - although debatable to some :=) - humans can think, parse, develop and apply strategies and create choices for ourselves.

Another aspect is that emotions are chemical reactions. "This too shall pass" may be a tired cliche, but it rings true because it is a universal truth. Change is ineviteable. Fighting change is a waste of energies and more exhausting than figuring out how to catch the next curve ball or ride the next wave better. When you're over your head in emotion and can't wade out, ask for real help from someone who can provide that to you.

You are sure to find much empathy and sympathy among readers and posters here, but empathy and sympathy are not even bandaids.

I'm almost 53. Excised myself from family decades ago and don't even know how many remain alive and don't care because I can't allow myself to waste the time wondering. Starting from scratch. Again. So many jobs I've lost track. Lived in so many places they blur together. Spent the first 48 years in survival mode. Developed learning disabilities, a hearing problem, bones are disintegrating, and my body is falling apart a little more every day. Everything I own is in storage 2,300 miles away and it's unlikely I'll be back any time soon because I'm homeless (here OR there) and staying with an ex-sister-in-law waiting to enter a program for DBT and CBT therapies. My life is on hold and every day is a miserable limbo where little is familiar, transportation is limited, SSDI is barely enough to get by even if I were to eat air... But you know what? Despite all the crud in my life, at least I've managed to keep my conscience clear, not stoop to new lows, not regress much or often, and I've been learning how to improve choices and circumstances so that one day I can say I really did do my best.

Try seeing things differently, because asking yourself "what's the point?" does not really allow you to see what you can achieve if you keep going. Living requires participation. Find some where to participate doing something mutually beneficial for you and those you do interact with. If you end up alone, as I have, then consider it's possible we are where we are supposed to be in life, so that we can get to the next place we're supposed to be. Free will rules! And even when you don't seem to have a good choice or any choice, how you react then proves you can do SOMEthing whether or not it was the best in someone else's opinion and whether or not it is ideal.

Most of life is not ideal. I hear wealthy people complain about something every day, same as anyone else. Money cannot buy healthy emotions or "the best things in life", as I've experienced those to be. As much as I would have enjoyed going to college and being a teacher, it's never going to happen so I have to do something else, don't I? So I do. I just keep moving and doing something. Every day I do something good for myself and someone else, stranger or not. It's a mindfulness thing. And it comes back to me. Perhaps not as often as I would like :.), but the fact that good things come to me at all is appreciated.

There is probably more to complain about with trying to live on a daily basis than not, but complaining or wondering why we're in an unhappy place in life doesn't get much done except perhaps beget more of the same. Those would be two things about which there really is no point to indulge in.

[IceCreamKid]

Please do yourself a life-long favor. Love yourself. Take care of your body, love your individual uniqueness and your special place in the world. Make the kind of home you want and build your own family by choosing loving friends. And please consider offering your hand in friendship to other people who need a friend. You are worth the effort it takes to build a happy life. Courage!

[shezbut]

Hi queen of hearts,

I can understand and relate to your resentment of living through years of Hell for seemingly nothing. I've been there myself up until recently. What i have to remind myself of in the dark times is that there are lighter times to come.

Even if the lighter time is simply seeing a brook bubbling over rocks, and birds flying around in the sky. That is the biggest relief to me! I can't wait for my whole world to feel better to make my life more manageable. That is NOT going to happen. I needed to aim for small pleasures in life to keep me going.

While I have a lot of reminders of my family resentment and hurt around me often (since my 2 daughters do keep in contact w/ them through my ex-hub), I also don't push it any further. I've stepped away from my family for myself. To keep myself in a better state of mind, that's what I needed. My family may not understand my perspective towards my life and history, even though I've brought it up several times (in hope of getting an honest apology for letting some horrible things to occur). For whatever reason, my family is unwilling and/or unable to admit the occurance and apologize to me.

Point is, I can truly understand how you feel so alone in this world and hopeless. But, you aren't alone. SO MANY people feel the very same way. And we fight to make it through what we think "should be" simple times. We fight seeking help from others, thinking that there's no way we could ever feel differently. After some work, we can feel a lot better though. We can make connections with people who we never would have even crossed paths with before, and that alone can give us the will to keep going. Because we kind of enjoy their company...they take our minds off our troubles for a few minutes here & there. You just stay on that path ~ and those times start coming more often and in different situations, finally bringing some hope back into our world. And that ~ hope ~ is crucial. Once you get your hands back onto it, never let go of it again!

Maybe you should call a doctor for help now. You DO deserve help. We can't always do it alone! I've certainly needed a hand a few times, but those experiences have made me be less resistant to ask for assistance. ((hugs)) sent your way....