[EJ711]

This post is to anyone who can identify -

Mother's Day this year seems especially hard for me. It just seems to serve as a reminder that I no longer have a mother or a daughter.

My mother is gone nine years.

We had tried to help an older child, who was 12 at the time, by adopting her in 2000. We were not informed of her severe emotional disturbance by the state. In retrospect I can see the adoption was doomed for this reason and a lot of other reasons before it started. In 2002, we could no longer manage her in our home, and felt our only alternative was to return her to the state.

From having in our home, I lost my corporate career with good pay and benefits. We are on the verge of bankrupcy, and some days it just hurts. This is one of them. For someone who used to make $58,000/year, and grew up in a comfortable home, this is pretty hard to accept.

I just feel alone in the world, and it's scarey and it hurts some days more than others.

I'm glad I still have my husband, and you guys. Thanks for any and all support you can give me at this time.

I hate hating Mother's Day, and don't begrudge anyone who is looking forward to a wonderful day with their Mom or children any of your happiness.

EJ

[bebop]

((((((EJ)))))) I am so sorry hon.

[Zen888]

Motherless Daughters
Author: Hope Edelman

Dubz

[bipolar_bear]

(((((((((((((((EJ)))))))))))))))

[Zen888]

Sorry forgot to give you a hug!

(((((((((((((((((((EJ))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

Dubz

[LMo]

I'm sorry, EJ. Mother's Day used to hurt me, too, although not so much because I don't have a mother (mine died when I was 15) but because when I was married with a stepchild, I was never acknowledged on Mother's Day. I used to either be in a foul mood or cry every MD for 6 years after waking up to no mention of the day (even though I would take my stepson shopping for a MD present for his real mom each year).

(( EJ ))

[Fuzzybear]

((((((((((((((((( EJ )))))))))))))))))

[EJ711]

LMo -

Wow -- all the work, with none of the benefits!!! Kind of like what is wrong with this picture?

EJ

[EJ711]

Thanks everyone, who responded so quickly, sweetly, empathetically and lovingly. It means a lot to me.

Hugs,
EJ

[wisewoman]

EJ, I am sorry this has happened to you re: adoption. And I know how easy it is to have that occur. You know where my heart is and I am sending you love not just for mother's day but how about woman's day? Woman's day where we can all claim our power and are beauty and our ever changing, growing skills. We can care and celebrate and make a world of peace. You are a mother still I think. It's something in the heart, it's not a child. It is the art of Mothering which you do so very well.

[bebop]

wow well said wise!!

so sorry to hear of all your pain......from the little i know of you......you have a very mothering spirit.....and that counts for so much in todays world.......

[DaveyJones]

Hi, EJ--

It's terrible when an adoption doesn't work out the way it's supposed to. You've put so much of yourself into it, so much emotion and treasure, everything you are and have, and it's all for naught.

I'm really sorry to hear of your sorrow and your situation; I can only hope and pray that things get better for you.

Hugs,
DJ

[(JD)]

It really is just another day... to remind those -who don't usually- to pay attention to their mom, imo.

Try and allow Mother's Day to be... maybe not embracing it, but to stop hating it... it's ok to not celebrate, it's ok to not be a part of it... when we get into any "shoulds" we only hurt ourselves.

[January]

((((((((((((((((( EJ )))))))))))))))))

I'm so sorry you are in pain. I wish I could fix it for you. Please know you have friends who love you here and that you are very, very special.

Hugs,

Jan

[EJ711]

Sky -

This is the first year that I have had overtly negative feelings toward the day itself.

Hubby might be taking me back to the church we attended before we moved on Mother's Day. I haven't found a church here that I really feel comfortable in. If not there, I know I need a day trip of some kind.

EJ

[EJ711]

DJ,

Thanks for writing.

I heard on Law and Order tonight, that doing all the right things can still yield bad results.

This may sound confusing, but I miss the child I had, and I miss the child I didn't receive.

EJ

[EJ711]

Thanks, Wisewoman and Butterfly Lady.

EJ

[ErinBear]

Hi EJ,

I have a friend who, similar to your story, adopted a child and the adoption didn't work out. I think it was due to the child's psycholigical issues, too, and I know my friend struggles as well at times. I know it can be hard, although I also think it has eased some with the passage of time for her. Still, I know she continues to wonder how their adopted daughter fared after she left, and what happened, and she continues to grieve that loss and that situation. So I feel for you and I know that can be a very difficult thing.

I struggle with Mother's Day as well, but for other reasons, mostly because my relationship with my mother was not a good one, and it feels like such an awkward day. I try to find ways to think about the day differently. One of the things I do is try to celebrate the mothers I know as friends here locally. I buy one or two Mother's Day cards to give to my closest friends who are mothers, just to wish them well for Mother's Day, and thank them for working to make a healthy home, and for being loving mothers to their family. This somehow helps me feel better about the day. Even if my mother wasn't a very good one, it helps me to remember that there are mothers out there who are working to be loving and caring, and to find ways to celebrate that for them and for myself. Some years if it is a particularly close friend, I've gotten them some flowers or something too.....it has helped me feel better about the day. Sometimes I take myself out to lunch after church, which I wouldn't normally do. I try to treat myself gently and find some ways to pamper myself, even if it is taking time for a walk or listening to music I especially like on my CD player. I know these might not be ideas that would appeal to other people but somehow they seem to help me get through this time each year.

Sorry it is a hard time for you too, EJ. I'm thinking of you and sending you many caring wishes.....take extra-gentle care of you, okay?

Hugs,
ErinBear

[Zen888]

Motherless Mothers: How Mother Loss Shapes the Parents We Become
Author: Hope Edelman

[Maven]

(((((((EJ)))))))

Some times of the year when others are celebrating, some are hurting. One thing you should remember is, your mother may not be alive, but you will always have a mother. I don't know if psychics are real, but many say that our loved ones remain with us, even after they are gone. Alison Dubois, who is a real person on which the show Medium is based, has a book titled, Don't Kiss Them Goodbye. She believes our loved ones aren't really gone. I hope that it makes you feel better to hear this.

My sister would probably relate to your issues about your daughter. She was raising her husband's grandkids from a previous marriage/relationship (a boy and a girl), and I think they were about 8 or 9 (boy) and 11 or 12 (girl) when she got them. The boy has ADHD and the girl has ADD. The boy also has anger issues.

Just so you know, I'm using "the boy" and "the girl" rather than giving their names; it's not how I refer to them in real life.

When I met them (only once--we live in different states), they were typical kids--not always obeying, but basically good kids. I saw the boy's anger problems back then; we played miniature golf one time, and because he wasn't doing well--he hadn't had enough experience at it, is all--he became very frustrated and got aggressive with his swinging at the ball.

They both got into drugs--including selling, at least by the boy, and the girl even tried to blame some things on her brother, who was often willing to take the blame, because he loves his sister. They got in trouble with the law.

When the boy raised his hand to my sister (her husband stepped in, so he didn't actually hit her), they sent him away. It was extremely difficult for my sister, who loves him dearly. He is still having problems, having run away twice from the place he's currently in, but he's doing better in general.

The girl cursed at my sister and was out-of-control, and she wanted to leave, so they let her. My sister's health hasn't been good in recent months, so she can't handle a kid with these kinds of problems. She and her brother were supposed to go live with her idiot of an uncle, which he said they could, but then he turned around and said no. So, they've been shuffled around. Again. (I'll get to that in a minute.)

My sister is heartbroken over this. She always wanted kids and didn't have any of her own, so she looked forward to raising these kids. I don't know why the girl hates her and her husband so much (she posted some stuff on her website, but was made to remove it). There were things I didn't agree with in my sister and her husband's raising of the children, but my sister loved those kids. We just hope the kids do get their lives straightened out and on a good path.

While I blame the kids for their choices and actions, I understand some of how they got there. Their parents were young drug addicts, and the father abandoned them. The mother died of cancer. They've been shuffled around a lot.

The point is, you can try really hard to be a good parent, and sometimes things still don't work out. It's not your fault. I'm sorry you've had this happen to you.

[EJ711]

Hi Erin Bear -

Thank you for your sweet note. This has been the first year it has been this hard. I like your suggestions. I think we might just take a day tour somewhere.

EJ

[Lexicon78]

(((((EJ)))))

Yup, same here...I'm a motherless daughter. Living like this feels like I'm am so different from everyone else I know. All my friends and that all have their mothers. It makes me very mad when they're always talking about their mothers or how they're gonna spend Mother's Day or whatever. It's like I don't have a place with them anymore.

My bf says that I have a mother--his mother. It's so not the same and I could never call her my mother, mom, etc. He just doesn't understand.

[lenjan]

Let's not forget birthmoms on Mother's Day. Nobody ever remembers us either. Because I did not want for my child the circumstances he would have been raised in had I kept him, I placed him for adoption as an infant nearly 18 years ago. Two years ago, his adoptive mom tracked me down and we are all now building a relationship, but let me tell you, the pain is staggering and never really goes away.

Candy