[ToBe]

I'll be honest, I really wish I was dead. I just wish something terrible would happen to me because I'm too much of a coward to hurt myself. I've tried to cut myself but just couldn't do it. I tried to swallow so pills but a family member stopped me.
I look at my life and think why me? What did I do? I try so hard to be a good person even though I'm suffering on the inside. The small group of friends that I do have all think I'm this amazing person but I'm just acting. When I'm with then I try and act like the person I want to be but once I'm no longer in their company I just go back to the sad excuse of a human being that I am.
I know that there are people out there that have had it as bad as me, maybe even worse and some of them manage to rise above their pain but that's not me. No matter what I do or who tries to 'help' me I never get better. I can't ask for help as stupid as that may sound. I just can't drop the so called mask of the person I pretend to be. So, I know I'm harming myself more by not asking for help but who's going to help me?
My family? No.
My friends? No.
I'm all alone.
I know I have depression as well as a truck load of other unfortunate things. I wish I could just be shipped of to some mental hospital, due to the fact that I'm too scared to end my own life. If I wasn't so scared about the unknown, life after death so to speak, I would have ended my life a long time ago. What good am I to the world any way? I'm not special, I'm nobody.
I just can't take it any more. I'm just going to slowly waste away. I'm so mad and so upset about so many things in life. I don't know what to do any more.

((((ToBe)))) I am sorry you are hurting so much right now. There is no reason for you to suffer like this. You are brave enough and have the courage to post here and to reach out. I would encourage you to speak with your md to discuss your feelings. Also, do you have a T that you can speak with? It is really important that you find that inner strength and make that call.

It is not an easy path, but there are people that truly care and really want to be there for you. I am glad you came here. There are good people here that can relate to what you are describing and are very caring.

Your health and well being are so important. Please continue to reach out. Please let us know how you are doing. Depression is real...you are not alone.

Rose

[Open Eyes]

(((ToBe))),

I am so sorry that you feel so bad about yourself and lost about life too. I read your about me and what you are discribing is a child that grew up without the right nuturing at all, but instead was just abused. It also sounds like your parents were self absorbed and they obviously had no idea the responsibility of raising a child, unfortunately this happens all too often. Your mother was most likely too imature and ignorant to understand that while you lived with your father you were being hurt.
Your mother may have had "low self esteem" herself and felt she would be unworthy as a mother. Considering the abusive person your father is, well, they ususally pick a passive mate that they can abuse and control. And as far as his girlfriend, she took out her frustrations on you, and I have some experience with that myself, so that is very hard on a child.

You probably do make a good friend because you have "empathy" for others, you can sympathize with them and "listen" and that is what people prize in a friend. As far as you being worthless, well you are still young yet, only 19 and I am sure that you have talents and gifts about you that you have not even tapped into or nurtured in yourself. Sweetheart, you need to learn that just because you grew up around parents that abused and neglected you, doesn't mean you will forever be "worthless" as a person. The experience of being neglected "has" filled you with the ability to empathize with others, and I am sure you care too, and you could use that to help others that are abused and neglected.

What you are discribing now is "very low self esteem" and that is typically what comes out of a situation of poor nurturing. And all your uncertain feelings about your mother most likely come from her just not knowing how to show love and caring herself. You would have to explore your mother's history to understand her better. Our ability to love and nurture has a lot to do with what we learn growing up as well as our opinion of ourselves and what we learn about nurturing children.

So, what you are discribing is a result of pretty much being abandoned. But that doesn't mean you cannot learn how to change your perception of yourself and also how you feel about your future and self worth. You should, if at all possible, seek the help of a therapist that specializes in PTSD as well as childhood abuse victims. You need an adult that can finally give you the attention you need and help you heal and learn to move forward.

It is possible you can use your interests in art and music etc to express "hurting"and "healing". And you could maybe become a therapist yourself and help others that grow up and become confused like yourself. Because, you are not the only one that suffers from a troubled childhood there are many out there confused and lost just like you.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes

[shezbut]

I am sorry that you're in such intense pain and misery.

No, you aren't alone ~ you're right. I'm in that same crowd you find yourself in. Now is a great time to lean onto others who are struggling with similar issues in their lives. It can bring everyone a little sense of relief and understanding....which is pretty special when you're wishing to end your misery!

[MamaKay]

To Be, I am so sorry you are going through such a rough patch right now. You need to talk to someone asap. Do you have medical insurance? If you do, then I would call them and ask if they have a behavioral section, and maybe they can put you in touch with someone in your area who you can talk to, and who can help you with some coping skills and help you understand why you feel this way. One simple phone call can feel like a burden lifted from your shoulders. I know. I've felt this way myself. Please let us know how you are doing. There are people who care. The person who typed this is one of them.

Hi ToBe - welcome to PC

I had a friend once who when i asked 'why me?' he retorted with; 'why not you?' - as harsh as it sounded, he had a point. The universe is sadly indifferent - no one is spared when it comes to the agonies of life. That doesn't mean your pain is unimportant however and as someone who is sadly all to aware of the depths of human suffering i totally understand where your coming from when you say you're exhausted and want a kind of absolution. Ive been hospitalized four times - it made ZERO difference. In fact if anything it just took me out of the situation instead of helping me to work with it to reach a solution. Of course if you become a danger to yourself then being hospitalized is often the only solution but what i think is essential for you right now is a support network - i understand your reluctance to try and get help but if the alternative is staying how you are perhaps going to a doctor and asking their opinion isn't quite so bad? There isn't as much of a taboo around depression anymore - its a chemical imbalance of the brain, it requires treatment just as much as a broken arm and for some medication is the only thing that works. Your doctor might be able to offer you counselling though if this is what you prefer. As for being afraid to cut, i can only say that this is a good thing - ive suffered with an addiction to it for over 5 years and it is a greedy affliction, it will take everything from you. If you feel like you need to self harm go onto that part of the forum and read up on what you can do instead of actually hurting yourself. Perhaps you could confide in one of your friends, if they know you're struggling they may be able to support you better. The last note i want to end on though is this; only we can decide if we want to get better and if we do we must do so for ourselves and ourselves alone. Doctors and friends and family are there to help us along the way but the hard work rests with us. I can only wish you luck, please update us on your situation

[the randomer 101]

hey, i know know exactly how you feel,i have tried and failed ike you, i know its not easy but you'll get through it, if you ever feel like a chat or just want to let out your anger or sadness then i'm here for you. just send me a message xxxxx