[rolan86]

I am a third year college student and am finding myself overwhelmed by all the new obligations and expectations I find myself having to deal with. Growing up is hard enough, but now there are so many aspects of life I feel I never got around to before. I though I would just make a list of the things I really want in life and enjoy, in contrast to obligations that I am told I need to experience and do.

What I truly love right now:
-Studying hard.
yes actually. I was once a take it easy student who was fine by getting C's. Then on a trip to the east coast with my grandma we strolled by Harvard university, and hearing her say that I wasn't of this caliber and just could never meet this requirements... was one of the biggest wake-up calls of my life. Not because I want to go to harvard, but because I realized I wasn't taking myself seriously in life.

What I feel obligated to do:
-Get a girlfriend.
I very much so want a girlfriend and want all the companionship and emotion that comes with it, but the subject makes me feel very uncomfortable. Let's be realistic, unless you are a master pick-up artist, you can't just go out and come back with a girlfriend. I myself am incredibly shy and have great difficulty struggling with the concept of going up to people I don't know. Why I feel this subject makes me feel uncomfortable is because I feel like I'm on the clock. I have never had a girlfriend in my life, so I feel the more time goes by, the older I will have been without having ever experienced that. Also, college will only be for another year or so, and I do not want to go through college without having ever experienced love or something of the sort.
-Sex
I'm a virgin. No other way to say it. I understand I will be told there is nothing wrong with waiting, but again, I feel so pressured. Not just by my peers talking about sex, and feeling singled out, but by that personal clock of mine that is just reminding me how unpleasant it would seem to finish college and still be a virgin. I feel so pressured to have sex. I wish none of this pressure existed so I can be at peace with the fact that sex can wait, and that I don't have to feel pressured to find that special girl I like, and truly just enjoy myself at school. I wish I could feel this way. But fact is, I am only young for so long, and college will pass by before I know it. I don't want to end up being the guy who never took an opportunity for love in his life because he always thought he should just "wait".
-Job
Once again, for this subject, there is no other way to say it. I have been financially supported my entire life. Never had a job. It wasn't expected of me, in fact, my parents discouraged it. They thought it would take my time away from school. Full dedication to school was the reason for this. And for this reason, I feel very ashamed of myself. Not only because I am just recently trying hard in school, but because I just feel spoiled. All these kids around me work and have jobs. I am ashamed to say that I don't work and have never. I will sometimes say that I work for my dad over the summer, which is very true, but it's not an actual job. I just feel so ashamed for always being supported and basically having a credit card I can just use. Let me just say that I by no means just use the money I am given to buy whatever I want. No. I use it only for necessities. Food and school supplies. I just hate this spoiled rotten feeling I have every time I pull out my credit card at the super market, or walk by a group of homeless people with a bag of groceries or school supplies I just purchased.
-A calling
College is so much different than high school. In high school who just do what we are told. In college it is about what WE want to do. I am so new to this. I came into college with no aspirations whatsoever, while everyone else seemed to have their whole lives figured out. I really have no idea what I want to study or do with my life. This is going to sound horrible, but so far, NONE of these college majors interest me. I feel like just quitting college because maybe I have some sort of mental deficiency where I just can't become interested in anything, or make a choice.
-Music
This is a tough one. I love music, and it has always been my passion, but after I started college, I was hit by reality. Where would this ever take me? Would my dreams of being a famous musician ever come true? Do I even want to be well known? How far will playing in this band actually take me? What are you going to decide down the road? I can't help but feel sometimes that music is my calling and that is what I need to do, and to stop wasting my time in school, but truth is, studying and doing well in school is what I enjoy the most right now. I don't even want to be famous. That would suck. However this idea of never having reached my full potential or choosing the path I was meant to follow is killing me.

Very VERY confused in life right now

i hope you figure things out.

reecently i've been thinking along those lines also.

i didon't do well at all in school or colledge, not really anything higher than an F in my exams.

so i think to myself.. what do i want to do.

who will take me on

all that crap

i posted in another thread but i'll post here too- i have the fear that i'm just never gonna amount to anything

[shezbut]

Hi rolan82,

I would advise you to focus on now. Stay dedicated to studying hard for your classes. As you learn about different subjects in classes, one or more will really capture your attention. Those that appeal to us hit a part on an emotional level. It's captivating and enjoyable to learn more about that subject, so we take it farther and farther. As you can see, that just takes some time.

Regarding your shame about never working for your money ~ have you ever considered volunteering some time to work at a soup kitchen or something like that? Just a few hours in one day per week spent making and serving food to those in need. I did that as a teenager in downtown LA, and it really made me feel good. There are lots of other volunteer opportunities out there, for senior citizens, disabled people, youth mentor at YMCA or Boys/Girls Club, libraries, etc. So many places are always happy to have volunteers come in whenever they can to lift the spirits of others!

Music can always be a big part of your life. Are you taking music classes in college? Music appreciation, playing musical instruments, musical theory? You can certainly give it a try, and see if the classes ignite your fuse further or if you lose interest in practice. Even if you can't make it through proper music classes, that doesn't mean that you wouldn't enjoy sometime joining a band that performs in bars on the weekends. Don't know if you don't try it, but being in a bar band isn't all that it's cracked up to be either. You have to set time aside to practice with each other and get songs down well for performance.

Sex and romance will come to you soon. I'm sure that nothing I can say will make you feel more patient on this issue. It's very natural for you to want these things NOW. It will happen. Try not to pressure yourself to have everything right now, because that just isn't the way that life works. Things will happen in time. The less that you focus your interest on having them now, the quicker those things will come to you. {It's like staring at a pot of water, waiting for it to boil. It seems to take forever! But, if you step away for a minute & do something else, it's done before you know it!}

Gentle hugs to you...best wishes!

[turquoisesea]

hey there I agree with Shez.

I'm a college 1st year masters student. Undergrad also felt in and out for me... there's a lot of pressure put upon you. thing is as far as a job and girlfriend those are the types of things you have to be patient for. And PLEASE don't worry about being a virgin. Not to sound cliche but your first time should be special... it's not really that important to have sex early. It's not a bad thing to finish college and still be a virgin!

I'm also a music major - I've had a lot of mixed feelings about it. You can always have music in your life in some capacity no matter what you do. Music is a very hard profession. Don't choose it unless you are sure, but DO reach out and see what your options are. Maybe you just haven't found your ideal major yet. Lots of people switch focus in grad school - is your major broad enough to give you a few options? If you've taken math and english classes sometimes even in unrelated fields you can take a year of community college classes for pre-reqs + tests (GRE's etc) and go into a whole new field. So you have a lot more options than it seems right now. I know from personal experience - I felt so trapped in my major and though it's a pain to switch I believe it is possible. (i ended up sticking with the major but was doing a lot of research on switching into something COMPLETELY different in which I had no pre-reqs).


As far as being spoiled - i was spoiled to. Your time will come. I am now supporting more and more of my lifestyle and i'm still at school. Grad school is a different place. Also, its WORTH studying hard in college so you can get a better job. Work hard now, and you're more likely to be able to pull in enough money so that your parents won't have to help you out on things. Take it as a gift, but be practical about it. think about how you can start to support yourself after college, work hard on figuring out a few game plans for employment etc and give yourself TIME To figure it out.

Growing up takes time, I think you need to give yourself time to learn properly and healthily.


PM me if you want, I hope all goes well with you

[rolan86]

Thanks all. I am trying my best to stay strong. It is just so hard staying calm and confident on campus when everywhere I go I see couples. I'm starting to get sick of it. I know that sounds bad, but I really am. The more couples I see, the more I feel is wrong with me. I've been even going out of my way to avoid girls, especially the ones I like. If I feel I'm too stressed out or my hair looks funny that day, I will try to take another path before they see me. Like just today, I saw a girl I really liked, but before we made eye contact, I sped up before her, to hopefully give the impression I didn't notice her. I wish I could have gone up to her, but my mind would just bully me by saying, What are you going to say? How's school? How's your year going? What's your major again? Don't even bother with that. Nobody cares about those questions. Face it, you have absolutely nothing to say to her, so better say nothing and walk away then just make a fool of yourself. Besides you look like a total weirdo right now. She'll just think you're a creep.

And... that has been my problem with talking to just about all girls on campus that I like... I see somewhat what the problem is here, but just don't know how to fix this.

Originally Posted by turquoisesea

hey there I agree with Shez.

I'm a college 1st year masters student. Undergrad also felt in and out for me... there's a lot of pressure put upon you. thing is as far as a job and girlfriend those are the types of things you have to be patient for. And PLEASE don't worry about being a virgin. Not to sound cliche but your first time should be special... it's not really that important to have sex early. It's not a bad thing to finish college and still be a virgin!

I'm also a music major - I've had a lot of mixed feelings about it. You can always have music in your life in some capacity no matter what you do. Music is a very hard profession. Don't choose it unless you are sure, but DO reach out and see what your options are. Maybe you just haven't found your ideal major yet. Lots of people switch focus in grad school - is your major broad enough to give you a few options? If you've taken math and english classes sometimes even in unrelated fields you can take a year of community college classes for pre-reqs + tests (GRE's etc) and go into a whole new field. So you have a lot more options than it seems right now. I know from personal experience - I felt so trapped in my major and though it's a pain to switch I believe it is possible. (i ended up sticking with the major but was doing a lot of research on switching into something COMPLETELY different in which I had no pre-reqs).


As far as being spoiled - i was spoiled to. Your time will come. I am now supporting more and more of my lifestyle and i'm still at school. Grad school is a different place. Also, its WORTH studying hard in college so you can get a better job. Work hard now, and you're more likely to be able to pull in enough money so that your parents won't have to help you out on things. Take it as a gift, but be practical about it. think about how you can start to support yourself after college, work hard on figuring out a few game plans for employment etc and give yourself TIME To figure it out.

Growing up takes time, I think you need to give yourself time to learn properly and healthily.


PM me if you want, I hope all goes well with you

[Open Eyes]

(((Rolan86))),

Oh dear you need to listen to what you tell yourself to feel. Maybe your grandma should walk along on campus with you and tell you that you will never even get to 1st base with a girl, that way you can focus on proving your grandmother wrong about that too.

Rolan, you have to stop looking at other students and thinking that you "should be" doing what they are doing. That is the wrong way to be in life. You have to go to the beat of "your own drum" Rolan. It is a total waste to spend so much brain time on thinking you have to dance to the beat of everyone else's drum.

And by the way, that list you had in your mind to break into a conversation with a girl was not a bad list at all. Girls are just people Rolan, and if you just let yourself basically talk to them like you do us, a regular conversation, that is what girls like most. And believe it or not, your concerns in this very thread are "normal conversation" and something not only you have going on in your head, but others do as well, including girls.

I raised a daughter (now 28) who had her friends over and guess what, they all talked about the same things you are discussing here as well. So before you think you are so very different, well, think again, because you really are not so different.

As far as feeling pressured to have sex, I agree with Shezbut. It is better to "not" be overly sexually active just for the sake of sex. And actually it is not good for girls to get too sexually active because they can pick up the virus that can present them with cirvical cancer down the road. That day will come for you and it is better that you focus on your health, learning, getting exercise and not putting so many negetive thoughts into your own brain. Think about your brain as a computer, would you program a computer with intentional "viruses"? Well, that is what you do when you push negetives in self talk. You need to say to yourself, well, that is OK and I just haven't done certain things "YET" but no worries, I will get there.

Also, my daughter as well as many of her friends went to college with one idea and ended up doing things completely different. My daughter was going to be a teacher, well she isn't she works at something else and makes more money.

The music, well, you can keep that involved/included in your life, your whole life. Just put some of it in your schedule too. You don't have to choose right now, you can learn many things and again I agree with Shez in that if you just keep "learning" something along the way will hit you and turn you onto something you may enjoy that you never even considered before.

We don't all grow up just knowing what we want, we learn and grow our whole lives and many end up in careers they never imagined doing.

Never worked before? Well lucky you, that doesn't mean you wont be able to or even get good at it. Don't feed that computer in your head with a negetive "virus" because of that either. Sometimes it is better to do some programing after learning more.

Enjoy learning now, you have a spark going on, enjoy it and stop looking for a reason to put that spark out. Besides, the more you invest in YOU and find YOU the easier it will be to have a more "successful" relationship down the road because you will know yourself so much better. Most relationship problems stem from the fact that people jump onto the boyfriend girlfriend wagon long before they have a clue about themselves. Check out the relationship forum and read between the lines. We can't look for someone "else" to complete "us" we have to do that first for ourselves.

You need to do some postive thinking about yourself and stop sending "viruses" to yourself.

(((Hugs)))
Open Eyes