[Peanuts]

I have a question about how can I stop reacting to current life situations (I am 43) based upon how I was treated as a child by my parents who were emotionally abusive to me and my sisters. I have heard that "it was bad for me then but it does not have to be bad for me now". And I agree with that statement but am not sure how to make it happen so that I don't feel that it is still bad for me now. Hopefully, this question makes sense.

[(JD)]

Hi Peanut. It seems odd that I should try to respond to one of your queries... I think the operative word you used is ReACT. We all get into trouble when we react instead of ReSPOND to a situation. Unfortunately trauma changes things. really... in the brain. The event itself is not filed away properly so we "can't get over it" and it continues to intrude because it isnt catagorized correctly by the brain. (As something in the past, not now urgent, not in the present.) And that can be with EACH event... so then what we have is a reaction to every thing that is a trigger... lots of them. It takes time, and someone with stress counseling expertise to help us begin to realize those triggers, and how we react, to the point that we respond correctly, and can "see it coming" before it just hits us. Does this make sense to you?

[SeptemberMorn]

Hey, Peanuts

From my experience, I had to go back and remember the abusive situation. Since my abusers were dead, I had to resolve the situation for myself by confronting my abusers in my imagination. In so many words I told them that they had no right to treat me like they did then I told them they could never treat me that way again. In my mind and in my imagination, I told myself that I was now safe from that kind of treatment. However, some scars seem to always remain and my "buttons" still get pushed. I have to watch carefully to not REACT, like SkyBdark said. I STOP, THINK, ACT upon what happened or was said.

The difference between REACTing and ACTING Upon is as basic as a knee jerk when a doctor taps your knee with his little rubber mallet. There is no control to a knee jerk. When you think things out, you can then take the Proper ACTION.

Maybe the people that are telling you that your past problems shouldn't be present problems don't realize what they're asking you to do, but basically, that's it. Of course, it's a long, hard road and takes a lot of practice to get to the point where you don't react any more. But "practice makes perfect!" (Well, almost!)

[Peanut61]

Hi you guys (Sky & Sept) = guess what? This isn't me. I'm Peanut61. Oh, boy, tis going to be confusing around here for awhile, but that's ok. . Welcome, Peanuts!

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[jennie]

the following poem on "Letting Go" helps me . . .

To "let go" does not mean to stop caring, it means I can't do it for someone else.
To "let go" is not to cut myself off, it's the realization I can't control another.
To "let go" is not to enable, but to allow learning from natural consequences.
To "let go" is to admit powerlessness, which means the outcome is not in my hands.
To "let go" is not to try to change or blame another, it's to make the most of myself.
To "let go" is not to care for, but to care about.
To "let go" is not to fix, but to be supportive.
To "let go" is not to judge, but to allow another to be a human being.
To "let go" is not to be in the middle arranging the outcomes, but to allow others to affect their own destinies.
To "let go" is not to be protective, it's to permit another to face reality.
To "let go" is not to deny, but to accept.
To "let go" is not to nag, scold or argue, but instead to search out my own shortcomings, and correct them.
To "let go" is not to adjust everything to my desires but to take each day as it comes, and cherish myself in it.
To "let go" is not to criticize and regulate anybody but to try to become what I dream I can be.
To "let go" is not to regret the past, but to grow and live for the future.
To "let go" is to fear less, and love more.

[i] <font color=purple> Absolve you to yourself, and you shall have the suffrage of the world." Ralph Waldo Emerson</font color=purple>

[(JD)]

oops still, imagine me gving advice. :-O

[Peanuts]

Thank you for responding. So it seems that I will need to figure out most if not all triggers (I know some already) and detail how I usually react, and then figure out how I should have responded and then try to have that information available so that when the next trigger event occurs, I will be ready. ??

[Peanuts]

Thank you for responding. I find it very upsetting to relive the past and have spent many years pretending that I had a great childhood, or at least the same as everyone elses. But I can see that the harder I try to ignore or not think about events from my past, to my disappointment, the more I do think about events. My parents are still alive and my sisters, who were also mistreated, prefer that I not rock the boat and cause any "upset-ness" with the folks. I will try to figure out how I should respond rather than react and be ready for the next trigger event. Thank you for your advice.

[Peanuts]

Sorry - I didn't know someone already had the nickname peanut. Perhaps I can re-register and change to something different.

[SeptemberMorn]

I know, Jill! It took me aback when I first saw the name, but I knew it wasn't you...

[Peanut61]

<font color=blue>HI FROM PEANUT</font color=blue>

[(JD)]

Realizing a trigger ahead of time is one of the first things... but also deciding upon the response you would rather make, and rehearsing it... with a trigger you often don't know you've reacted till after you have. By rehearsing the thought of the trigger and the response, you program your unconscious to respond how you want, and it will, in time, become more automatic. It does take time and effort. Start small. If you can pick something, like a person's always picking on you for how your hair looks... something you know will happen... it will be easier to see how well it works. (Think ahead of time... they always say something.. I will see how long it takes them to say something this time... I know they do this, it isn't about me or my hair... it is about them.. I want to say... thus and thus. etc) It might not work the first, or even the third time, but it will help in the long run... : )

[SeptemberMorn]

Peanuts, something I learned to do when people try to cross my boundaries is say "I feel bad when..." "I don't like it when..." "It hurts my feelings when..." Try not to use the word "you" if you possibly can. That automatically puts others on the defensive. Keep it strictly about YOU. You may not get what you need, or get them to stop at first, but keep repeating it every time your boundaries are crossed. You may find that you'll have to get more assertive, but that river can be crossed later.