As a result of your childhood abuse

How has your past caused your problems today?

Mine cause me to distrust EVERYONE!
Not only that but I am not used to "loving parents" so when I got serious with a guy I always dumped him after I met his parents.... Odd huh?

<font color="green">How has it caused my current problems? I struggle to trust. I suffer from flashbacks that are so vile I can't discuss them with anyone. I go though long periods where I can barely endure having my spouse touch me. I have been doing SI in various forms since I was 12. My nightmares tend to be be so bad that I avoid sleep until I cannot stay awake. </font>

For years I was very angry, but very very passive aggressive. I lied, to protect myself. I lied out of fear. I exaggerated profusely so that people would listen to me.
I manipulated to get what I wanted, because asking for it got me no where. And I only chose people to be in my life that continued the abuse.

I was a perfectionist in the worst way. Any mistake I made no matter how small reduced me to tears and fear in a heart beat. But I also expected a great deal out of others. No one was a human being. . . especially me.

And speaking of being a human being. . . I didn't feel like one. I felt off somehow. Very off. . . like I was born as either some sort of a deformed monster, capable of bringing out the very worst in people just by standing next to them, or I was something soooo special and soooooo 'chosen' that I couldn't possibly live up to what I was supposed to be. If that makes any sense. I battled this one for years. Even after I had been in therapy, this one was a real battle to get through. This is less than 5 years resolved, now. I remember crying at night begging God to 'just let me be a human being. Please, just let me be a normal human being.'

Then I got into therapy. And stayed there for quite some time.

I stopped lying. Even if I'm afraid I tell the truth. If abuse flies from the truth, I have learned better ways to deal with it. A child can't often leave the situation when it starts to get heated. . .but by God, and adult can!!

I don't exagerate - though I do write, and I use exageration in the fiction I write. . . great outlet for being both heard, and for weaving those TALL tales!!
But when I am relating to another human being I say what I mean and mean what I say, I ask if they understand or ask them to feed what I said back to me in their own words, and make adjustments from there. And if they do not listen, I find someone who will.

The problem of finding people in my life that are not abusive is something I am always working on, and will probably work on for the rest of my life. I'm beginning to find out HOW to look, and what to look for. I'm beginning to set standards for what I look for in a friend/lover/associate. . .etc. I did this somewhat when I found my current husband, and he is not nearly as abusive as my ex husband was, but he is still pretty harsh.

I used to take abuse like a lamb. Didn't get angry, didn't fight back, didn't tell any one. Just took it. One of the most valuable lessons I learned from therapy are the words "I will NOT allow you to treat me like this!!" and if I have to, screaming it, and fighting back. Defending myself. Hard. I'm worth defending myself for. The FIRST time I did this was the LAST time my ex husband ever touched me. . .scared the daylights out of him. All the sudden he wasn't picking on someone weaker than him, he was picking on someone who was ANGRY - and he wanted nothing to do with someone who might be a challenge.

I still tend to minimalize things, still. I remember when I met my husband, the things I saw that were RED flags were things that 'oh, I can deal with that. Oh, I'm strong enough to love him anyway. . .. oh, that's not so bad.'

This is the first time I've recognized this (while I kick myself in the butt big time!!). But I talk myself into allowing abuse or accepting abuse in the above way.

On the personal side of this, I tend to dissasociate probably better than the average bear. I'm still learning about this. I have triggers, and I'm still learning about those too. I was triggered New Years Eve, and began to look at what was really happening, and for the first time, instead of allowing myself to go into never never land, I removed myself, took care of myself, and calmed myself. (All it took to trigger was to read something.) I remember the day well, I didn't lose it in a fog of lapsed memory. I did it!! (Party party!!)

I tend to be very very creative. I draw, I sculpt, I write, I often can see the not so obvious in things - when people are stuck and can't move forward. I tend to think out side of the box - often. It's been a great asset to me. I used my art, writing when I was young to be able to have a voice. Now I have a voice, and I use to for stress relief, or just because I love to do it. I think outside the box because in my youth I was constantly trying to find answers, anything that worked. . . and I often found the not so obvious to work many times much better than the obvious that everyone knew about and would catch me at!!

(I hid things that I needed to protect in my mother's own bedroom. She had a habit of destoying my things. She never ever looked in her own closet for the things I cherished!! - I still have those cherished things today. They were the only things she did not destroy.)

I guess my point is: Though there were a lot of coping mechanisms that I had to change because they were not healthy and really did not work for me very well as an adult, and even though I am STILL learning how to chose/have/hold a healthy relationship, there were also things that the abuse honed in me that are also positive and work very well for me, too. They were also coping mechanisms, but they are valuable, and do not need to be discarded, in fact they should not be discarded. They make me . . .me.

I'm still growing, still learning. . .will always try to grow and learn, and reach for that healthy, loving, kind, supportive, EQUAL relationship. But it has truly been a journey, and will continue to be. I don't look for the perfect relationship...I'm looking for a healthy one. I don't know if I will ever get there. . .but perhaps one day. . .I have hope.


Bethanna

i deal with DID as a result. also, i'm a control freak...i can't release control to anyone. who can i REALLY trust anyhow? i don't have so many flashbacks anymore, but i used to. i have little memory of childhood. what's there is bad enough.

kd

My biggest problem is my annual seasonal shift in the autumn. It doesn't have anything to do with my childhood abuse (though I suffered plenty of that as well) but with some things that traumatized me severely at the age of 19 and, as a result, "fixated" me at that spot. Every autumn it is 1983 again for me and I relive that time period one way or another. Basically I can never move forward from that spot. 1983 was when I had my first psychotic break -- but I didn't even realize it at the time. I had been su*c*dally depressed for months, stuck in a negative religious obsession, and began hallucinating, at least I think it was hallucinating. Textbooks would call it hallucinating I suppose. To me they were "visitations". I thought I was becoming possessed and I was terrified. It was a very traumatic time for me and the way people treated me at this, the most terrifying time in my life, just traumatized me further on top of it all.

Childhood abuse left me blind to anything good or worthwhile in myself, prone to accept blame for everything and internalize anyone's negative messages, vulnerable to constant re-victimization if the right buttons are pushed or triggers are set off. It destroyed my original self which was a very sweet, beautiful, loving, tender hearted child whose only desire was to love and be loved. It ruined my ability to trust human beings, to bond with them or even want to seek them out at all. It left me expecting to be hurt, expecting to be misunderstood, expecting to constantly be made to feel like crap, with voices in my head that gladly filled in the gaps if no one else was around to do the job. Worst of all, it taught me to feel as if only I had real feelings and nobody else, because I always end up as the one that's always crying, getting mad, going off, while everyone else is keeping it cool to themselves, showing off how untouched they can be, and they can make me feel all sorts of misery but I cannot ever even so much as touch them. That's what I learned in childhood and even if/when it's not the case today I cannot see it, I still see the childhood reality -- I still see myself as never able to impact anyone else while everyone else can impact me (negatively) all they please and there isn't a g*dd*m*d motherf*cking thing I can do about it.

My childhood abuse taught me to expect to be persecuted, taught me to be paranoid as a survival skill. It made being m*l*sted an experience I considered "empowering" rather than devastating. It laid the groundwork for believing I was born to belong to Sat*n and that G*d countenanced liars and suffered fools and elevated and protected @ssh*les while letting children like me who were honest, intelligent and authentic get screwed by others and treated like dirt just because these others pretended to be all "sweetie-pie perfect" whenever the adults were paying attention (and then hurt ppl like me when the adults' backs were turned), but the adults would not protect me because they despised me because i could not comprehend their system. it made no SENSE to my mind to think that because someone was older or bigger meant they were right, especially when i could see they were wrong. it made no SENSE to my mind to do things without a valid reason just because somebody "said so". i was not "rebellious" or "selfish" or whatever other stupid toxic crap they tried to lie to me about myself, because to be that you have to actually comprehend their system and THEN go against it and my deal had nothing to do with wanting to buck or defy -- their system just plain made no sense to me, did not "compute" in my head, and thus I could not grasp it and could not make sense out of what they wanted from me. for example they would try to say to me things like, "oh you just always want your own way don't you?" and i could not make sense of it because i could see right through it -- the only reason they were saying that was because they wanted theirs. i was basically too smart for my own good! it eventually all blended together into an amorphous blob of thinking what they really wanted from me was for me to die, to stop existing, to stop thinking and feeling. and i frequently still feel this is what others are trying to demand of me. and i won't give it to them. no. i say "***** YOU. you learn to adapt to a universe I happen to share, or YOU can be the one to check out. you do NOT come to me and tell me to disappear because YOU want me to disappear. you do NOT get to treat me that way." but it is hard to feel like the whole world wants you to die. it is WAY WAY WORSE than feeling su*c*dal within yourself, BELIEVE ME. i'd RATHER feel like *I* want to die than feel like EVERYONE ELSE wants me to die.

All of it (childhood AND 1983) robbed me of the ability to be present in the moment, in the here and now, because everything is overlaid, intertwined, and interwoven with there and then, and I cannot simply deal with any event or situation for what it is by itself, ever, because everything is related to all this stuff.

I'll probably regret posting this stuff-- but oh well. the thought police can kiss my butt. i live to expose them, to turn their vile schemes inside out in the light and let them be revealed for what they really are!!!

I have PTSD and issues with betrayal, abandonment and trust. I probably could write a book on how my early childhood affected me. At the moment, I have withdrawn once again into my shell and am having problems trusting anyone.

I am a perfectionist, I have problems finishing anything if it does not meet my expectations. And I internalize way too much. The list goes on and on.

My past is still going on as dissociation so many voices I can't hear and every one has equal weight. My "mother" is still trying to abuse me mentally by posting pictures on her photography website that she has digitally altered just enough so I can't charge her but she wants me to stay afraid i can't tell any more

Early abuse and neglect have contributed to my feeling unworthy, worthless, shameful, bad. The abuse has helped me to feel anxious and depressed. It has caused me to have big trust issues. I used to be a good poker player cause I had a great poker face, never express a feeling or else.

As a result of my Sexual abuse as a child that lasted 6 years,and the constant harrasment at school,I developed Eating disorders,I self Injur,A couple od suicise attempts.I trust no one.I allways feel like people are plotting against me.Not to mention I have OCD,PSTD,and Depression.

I cannot handle confrontation,the mention of the word abuse,vehicles that look like my stepmom, or people yelling and screaming at each other or even hitting in general. I si and have been suicidal a few times.

I wish there were a way that we could take this thread and give it to abusive parents. Like in a court ordered group or Parent's annonomous? We have a lot to teach. How about making parents who lose their kids through abuse have to hear these stories as part of the work of getting their kids back? I for one am way too old, they didn't remove kids hardly ever back then. But today it happens. I would have been yanked in a heart beat.

Wow, I didn't realize this post would recieve so much response!!!
I was diognosed with PTSD also, and depression. As a child it was said I had ODD. However, if you read my introduction, you'd see why LOL. I hope everyone is doing ok. Remember, you're no longer victims anymore , you're warriors!
Stay strong everyone!

well social services were called at least a dozen times when i was younger...nothing was ever done. i had to wait unitl i had a car to move out-that was 7 months ago. yippeee.....social services sucks!!!!!!!!!!

Hallie, Have you thought about writing or asking for an interview with social services and telling them what you went through? I think only good could come from it. They need to be accountable for protecting our children. I am assuming you are now 18 or over. Think about it.

I will be 18 on Jan. 24th. I don't think I can handle any trouble. I dont like people like that. Plus, if I told them about cutting and wanting to die-they wouldn't care about anything else they would just assume I am a "mentally ill" kid. I dont care about it anymore.

As a result from my childhood sexual abuse, mental abuse, verbal abuse, and neglect, I've attempted suicide on several occasions, been in and out of mental hospitals, still self- mutilate, have an EXTREMELY hard time trusting men, have had deep drug dependencies, and the sexual side of everything is far more screwed up than I care to explain. But all in all, I get better each and everyday by allowing myself to heal from what my abusers never wanted me to heal from. It's sooo hard still, but I get by a little easier each and every day. You will too.

I want tubal ligation. After looking into it, I've found that probably no doctor will do it because of my age and the fact that I have no children yet. I don't want that to ever happen. I dream about being pregnant, or having a child. In the dreams I feel loving and... like I guess a mother should feel. But when I'm awake the idea horrifies me. I'm too afraid of what would happen.
I'm very closed off from people. I'm sort of a female mysogynist, which has led to gender issues - logic stated that I had to hate my self, so I took on a lot of masculine attributres. When I was twelve I wanted a sex change. I have no female friends. Not one.
I started SI when I was 13. Later, alcohol and drugs. I didn't learn how to express negative emotions until I was 22. I could literally sit in silence with tears streaming down my face for hours fighting to say the words "I'm angry." We were not allowed to express anger, sadness, loneliness... I didn't even learn how until my life was already a mess. I didn't know how to say NO. I was taught to fear everyone and everything. I was taught that I couldn't do anything alone. I was taught that on every dark street people waited to (forceful unwanted sexual act) me. I was taught FUTILITY and how much bleach it takes to crack your skin. I was taught that it doesn't matter how sore I am, it's mother's day and I will get out of bed, dammit, and dad won't help when mom has me on the floor. I was taught that girls are not allowed. I was taught to always worry about what the other person is thinking. My brother and I were trained so well, that now, WE CAN NOT BE DEFEATED. We learned from the best! I was taught that it's none of my business, you nosy little b!tc#! When my dad was psychologically breaking down my litte brother in the next room and I couldn't sleep because it had been going on for hours. Nothing is any of my business. Not even me.
When my cat bites me, I feel like I've gone blind and I just react, throw him accross the room. I hate the things I do, and I know I can't have children because I'm afraid I will hurt them.
Once when I was a teen I babysat my two cousins for a night. The baby wouldn't stop crying. He cried all night and I couldn't get him to sleep. I held him, rocked him, put him to bed several times, changed his diaper, fed him, let him sleep on the couch with me. I ignored him for a while, but that obviously didn't help. Finally I picked him up around his ribs and held him over the top of the stairs... I squeezed him and wanted to throw him down, I wanted to scream "SHUT UP! SHUT UP!" But my other cousin was trying to sleep. I growled the words at him under my breath. I put him back on the bed and started pacing, afraid of my thoughts. I hated my self for that. He didn't deserve that. No one does. Babies are innocent. All children are innocent. And I can't ever have them. I am a horrible person. I dreamed of a giant gnashing (female external reproductive part) in a wildly thrashing sea all floating with babies, mashing them all to peices.
I constantly fall for men who act sociopathic. I realized, after leaving my X, that the only two men who have ever made me feel so bad, so completely worthless and insane, in my whole life, were him and my dad. I haven't loved anyone since, and I don't think I ever will again. I would rather s#!t through a hole into my own head. The only other guy I've been remotely intimate with was just like my X. Proving that it is inescapably engrained. Alone, I am safe. I will not be broken.
So, I'm going to die lonely and barren.
Thanks, mom and dad!
Where do I go from here? Does this ever go away? Do people get to be normal if they try hard enough? Can you learn how to be a good mom if yours was a sniveling b!tc# that only knew how to get things out with a belt? Can you learn how to be a good dad if yours was an ape, always blaming you instead of appologizing for breaking your things and frightening everyone? Does this just go on and on FOREVER?
I don't want to blame them. I know that my actions are mine to control and be responsible for. I realized how bad this was when I was fifteen, and all of a sudden it made sense. I learned what I lived. Now I've got to unlearn it all and learn all new things, and I don't even know how to begin.

"A Child Called IT", "The Lost Boy", "A Man Named Dave", and "Help Your Self", all written by Dave Pelzer. I recommend these. I'm still working on the last one. I thought maybe he could teach me how, since he's done so well for him self, and is such a good dad. The stuff he went through was a lot worse than we ever had it. I'm really lucky my parents never drank. I'm lucky for a lot more reasons than that, I know. Sometimes I just get angry that they could treat little kids like that. And angry that now I'm that way too. I know I've got to fix it. Even if I never have kids, I will fix it.