[LiveThroughThis]

Admins, feel free to move this if necessary.

I haven't been on a vacation in over two years, nor have I left my city/area in a long time. But, next week my friend and I are going to Atlanta to see one of my favorite artists in concert. Because I have some savings, and she and I both need a break from our lives, I decided to book a room at a nice hotel for a few days then go see family living nearby I haven't seen in years as well. I fully see it as a mini vacation, and I want to take advantage of it. I know I certainly deserve it.

This is a very big deal for me, seeing as my anxiety has limited me in going hardly anywhere for a while. But, I've been going to weekly therapy for months, and my T thinks I'm fully capable of going and doing well. I talked to my P-doc and he agreed; both of them are very supportive and glad that I'm taking this "adventure" so to speak. My P-doc assured me that even if I wasn't having a Panic Attack but just felt nervous (particularly in traffic) it was ok for me to take a little bit of Xanax (he knows I don't take it in excess)---"take it when you feel uncomfortable."

I'm totally aware I may have a Panic Attack--or a few--while I'm there, and that's ok because I've had so many I rarely get "surprised" by them anymore. However, I will be on my period during the trip, and my moods/anxiety/etc., get extra out of whack. But, I'm on an Iron med for my Anemia, and I have my Sleep Machine for my Apnea....I feel they both will truly provide a strong arsenal for me up to and during the trip.

Having said all that, I am pretty stressed. I'm PMSing, I've already had a mini-P. Attack this morning, and I still have a lot to do to get everything ready. I've made lists so it's organized. But I've been sick the past 2 weeks and I'm behind on getting done what I've needed to, so that's kind of bothering me as well.

I feel like this trip will be great (friend I'm going with is very understanding, I feel completely comfortable with her driving, etc.), and the show will be too. I've made allowances already in my head; I may find when I get there all I feel up to doing is attending the concert and being at the hotel until time to visit my relatives. I see my T this week and know it will be helpful.

I just wanted to get on here and share, because at this point not many people know I'm even going (some would be jealous, or simply unsupportive), and I am looking for support from you guys, and maybe some encouragement, or helpful suggestions. Only positive comments please----I don't need negative or detracting remarks in my life right now.

Thanks everyone!

[tigerlily84]

I understand about feeling anxious about leaving your home. Your home is a safe place, so leaving it can definitely trigger my anxiety as well. It always helps that you have such a supportive friend going along with you. For me, being prepared for any forseeable events helps to keep me calm, which you seem to have done already. Take a deep breath and try not to get overwhelmed by what you need to do! Have fun at the concert!

[CandleGlow]

That's brilliant - Bravo, you can do it!

[kyouma]

i'm very glad for you, go for it! don't worry too much, let things happen, and if they happen you know what to do right? it's great to chance airs a bit sometimes.
when is it going to happen? don't forget to get back here to talk about it later

you can do it... let us know how you get on

[canacrip]

Good for you! Have a lot of fun and just remember to breathe!

I'm glad you can do this LTT. Not being suprised as much by the panic should help to keep the intensity down. I used to have panic attacks at a period in my life. When I recognized them for what they were they seemed to abate and become less frequent and intense. You sound as though you have the bases covered for preparedness. And you have your friend with you who understands. Relax in knowing that you're ready. Hope you have a great time! I'd like a vacca like that myself!

[LiveThroughThis]

Thank you so much for your words, everyone!!! It means so much to have all your support (I'm finding a lot of the opposite from people these days). In fact, because of said lack of support, I've told almost no one about this trip. I've found sometimes "spilling the beans" about a goal or what have you tends to backfire anyway, at least for me. If I don't speak of it until the day before, or after it's happened, there's a lot less pressure.

Having said all of that, I fully intend to have a good time. Yesterday my gramma was sweet enough to take me shopping for a new top, ("You have to be prettied up for the concert," she said.), and I got some sweet earrings to match. As I've mentioned in other posts, I've gained a tremendous amount of weight, and yet this blouse is very flattering, so yay on that.

I just want it to be next week already! We will be leaving my house Tuesday for Atlanta, stay two nights, then Thursday we head to my family's house. I'm so hoping it's one of those, "I do NOT want this to end" vacations---much of the time in the past I've been ready to go home from the 2nd day,

I've been scanning my various lists, and I've got bought most everything I need, so that's a weight off my shoulders.

As far as Panic Attacks; while in the midst of them I generally ride them out, I often have some that literally come out of nowhere, no buildup/trigger/etc. Those still tend to scare me; the first thought/sensation is, "Uh oh, what's happening, am I gona pass out? Is my blood sugar low, I just ate (btw I got all that checked earlier this yr & all fine)? Should I go to the hospital?" etc. Those take some time to rein it in.

But, as you all have echoed, I am prepared, I've covered the bases with my P-Doc and T (two of the most important ppl I consult), and my friend is really the only person I'd want to go with besides my bf....I tire of ppl quickly (that true for anyone else here?).

I will certainly keep you all updated and if I can post here once I've arrived in Atlanta. Have to see.

Thank you again, everyone......you all mean so much!

[bebop]

one thing you might want to do in Atlanta is go to the aquarium! it is right downtown and probably in walking distance from your hotel. I haven't been but heard it is great! of course I love water and think it is pretty calming for me though. anyway hope you have a great time!

LTT! Are you back home yet? How was your trip?

Oops...hello... I guess you haven't left yet. I jumped the gun while reviewing posts. Well, just more best wishes then. Hope it's going ok!

[LiveThroughThis]

Originally Posted by bebop

one thing you might want to do in Atlanta is go to the aquarium! it is right downtown and probably in walking distance from your hotel. I haven't been but heard it is great! of course I love water and think it is pretty calming for me though. anyway hope you have a great time!

Thank you for the recommendation! It is pretty close to where we're staying; I'm seriously considering it. You made a fantastic point about the calming effect. It certainly wouldn't hurt!!! I'll have to look up the prices though---we'll be eating out a lot, and since I'll be doing most of the paying, I feel I need to be choosy on where we go. Buuuut, that is right at the top of the list.

[LiveThroughThis]

Hey everybody,

Just a little update. It's very early am here, can't sleep (I never sleep well the night before I go anywhere early, on top of my period coming---I never sleep well before that, maybe a little hypomania).

I have done almost all of my packing-I made a couple of lists (I'm quite organized when I need to be, , and purposely spaced getting it all done over a few days; nothing like rushing to pack and worried like hell I'm missing something. I may still, but I know the essentials are in the suitcase.

My friend should be here mid-morning, and off we go. I am trying not to get nervous in advance, but it's hard. I'm already missing my animals, and my boyfriend (I rely on him a lot, especially emotional support), and I've had moments where my head's like, "I don't want to go. I don't want to do this. I want to cancel.) The big buggaboo for me is the driving; the last time I was in a car for more than 45 minutes was well over a year ago, and this will be a 4+ hour drive one way. I've got my med for if I panic, I have my walkman with cds so if my friend wants to play something I don't like/is hard on my ears I can listen to my own stuff. It's just the between here-and-there part. I believe once we arrive at the hotel I'll be more at ease. And the concert will be great. And I canNOT wait to see my aunt and uncle; haven't seen them in years, they have this wonderful, warm house, and they're simply great people. I am a little nervous because I haven't seen in them in awhile, and my weight has doubled since then. They do know I'm Bipolar and on meds, and that I've gained a lot. I just don't want them to be shocked,

Oh well. In a few hours I'll be heading out, and it'll go however it's gona go.

Just cross your fingers for me yall okay???

[Sabrina]

Good luck. Have a wonderful time!

It's going to be fine LTT. Have a great journey and may you have more to come. Just get engrossed in the views while on the drive. If you haven't travelled in a bit, the scenery, no matter what it is, should be stimulating. Embrace the senses! Have a good one and get a few souvenirs too!

[LiveThroughThis]

The drive here wasn't too bad, considering we missed one of our first exits and got off course some, subsequently coming in totally different from my directions, plus no one told me how many freaking one-way streets there are downtown. We circled our hotel about 20 minutes before we could actually get to it.

I took my half of the med as we started out because I was already starting to sweat/get nervous ("I'm leaving my town, I'm leaving my town..."), it also helped I was so sleepy I didn't have much energy to be nervous.

The hotel is beautiful, the people are excellent, and our floor doesn't have a lot of rooms so it's very quiet. The ambience especially in the rooms is very calming.

Having said that, I kind of rode on my energy "fumes" calling ppl to let them know we'd arrived. We were exhausted so we ordered room service (only doing that once! Though it was worth it; the food is muah!).

My period finally started middle of the night. Fatigue of the drive, etc. put me to bed early (measly one-hr time change I believe has thrown me off), but hard time sleeping, not to mention simply not being in one's own bed. Our hotel is located in smack downtown, so while generally quiet I occasionally hear honks and such right below us (on 3rd floor).It's 3:00am here. I've woken up often, but I think my sleep has still been efficient with my sleep machine, etc. Unfortunately w/my period comes total-body cramps now....arms and legs very achy, and not much allieves it. I can deal with it, nothing new, and in a weird way pulls my anxiety down some.

Now, my biggest reason for getting online. I don't know if anyone with anxiety's ever experienced this, but I am having a lot of fear about being so far from home. I know intellectually if something happened there's plenty of ppl here to help, but it's not comforting. I feel as if, being in a different state completely, that I'm under a different sky--like I've jumped onto another planet, sort of like it's not real. It's not a delusional thing....it's just weird anxiety/free-floating/this-isn't-logical kind of thing. I've had this same sensation on a smaller level when I'd venture out of my comfort zone to a friend's house, or surroundings that once frightened me to be in were easier to deal with. Anyone else go through this kind of thing before? One of the big parts of it is my friend, while knowing extensively of my issues, has never seen me have a p. attack, etc., and while she's not one to freak out easily, it's a little uncomfortable not having my bf or grandmother here---someone who's been around for it firsthand.

I know too there's always "fallout"....where I can handle things at the time, then later the cascading of panic attacks, etc. And perhaps none of that will happen at all. Or if it does it'll wait until I get home (gotta love adrenaline, mind's ability to cope in the here and now), which would be fine.

I don't know; maybe I'm just being hard on myself? I can't talk to my therapist; I may call my gramma later--she wants to hear how things are going. This is all so new, and frightening. It is simultaneously fun. Whew. My friend and I I think are so worn out--on top of how expensive stuff is around here--that I believe we're going to just chill in the hotel room for the most part until the concert tonight (at 8:00, & only few blocks away). Honestly, where we're located is so lively/stimulating I don't think I'm even up to walking around much. I'm trying not to beat up on myself---if you told me 6 months ago I'd be here, doing this, I'd laughed my *** off. So just being here is a very rich rich thing. And I know tomorrow when we leave for family's house, it's less than an hour's drive, and their house is surrounded by acres of woods, and I believe I will feel quite peaceful there.

I'm gona try to go get some more sleep. Thanks for reading, and for the continued support.

Hey LLT! Adventure y'know...that's where it's at! Hope the senses are continuing to tingle in all the good ways. Haha...forgive me I was trying to figure out who you were going to see in concert so I Googled Atlanta concerts for this date. Two big ones are Fiona Apple and David Byrne..izzit one of these? Enjoy whatever you're going to and continue having a well deserved experience. Cheers traveller!

[LiveThroughThis]

Originally Posted by quizzickle

Hey LLT! Adventure y'know...that's where it's at! Hope the senses are continuing to tingle in all the good ways. Haha...forgive me I was trying to figure out who you were going to see in concert so I Googled Atlanta concerts for this date. Two big ones are Fiona Apple and David Byrne..izzit one of these? Enjoywhatever you're going to and continue having a well deserved experience. Cheers traveller!

I'm not sure what you mean by, "hope the senses are continuing to tingle in all the good ways." My previous post was about the not-so-good ones going on.

Yes, we are going to see Fiona Apple---it is the highlight of the day/evening.

I finally got some sleep after last post. A decent amount for a normal day. For this adventure, as quizzickle aptly put it, not as much. Because we don't know where anything is, we decided to get a cab to a breakfast restaurant a few miles away. We specifically asked for one that accepts debit cards (being Bipolar I've thought it best thus far not to own a credit card); the hotel said sure, made the call, a cab appeared shortly. We get to our restaurant, he tells us our fare (which was twice as much as I expected, and that was one-way), when I give him my card he says they do not accept debit cards. I told him the hotel said different; he adamantly said credit only and that no cab co. takes debit. Luckily there was an ATM machine close by that only charged $2 to get out cash.

The restaurant served about 10 diff. kinds of pancakes, & was delicious. But I had a hard time enjoying it between the near-"oh-****" cab issue and the steady stream of traffic out the window. I had a minor panic attack, took my med, called the cab and back to the hotel. I told the front desk, and they were as surprised as us; we all heard the guy ask specifically for a debit-accepting cab. They advised us to call the cab company and inquire (thankfully we had his card). Why the hotel didn't know certain companies accept debit and others don't (many are independent), I have no idea.

Luckily dinner, as well as the concert, are within walking distance. Tipping everytime the valet retrieves your car is plain annoying and in my opinion excessive,

Seeing as I'm thoroughly exhausted, cramping, etc., I am hoping to catch a long nap before dinner and a Fiona,

[personaaafrank]

hey it good

Ah hell...sorry...operating on no sleep....I mean to say I hope your senses suck up all the good stuff going on that there is to see do etc. Enjoy Fiona!

[seeker1950]

Hey, Living ....
I am much like you, about travel. How have you slept? I have trouble sleeping when in a motel or hotel. Also, the whole trip of driving thru unfamiliar territory. You are to be commended HIGHLY for making this trip!
I've forced myself to do a couple of trips lately, taking a kind neighbor lady along for company. I felt "empowered" by having done so. I hope you do too!
Love
Patty

P.S. I should add, I had to sleep for a whole day after returning home!

[LiveThroughThis]

Originally Posted by seeker1950

Hey, Living ....
I am much like you, about travel. How have you slept? I have trouble sleeping when in a motel or hotel. Also, the whole trip of driving thru unfamiliar territory. You are to be commended HIGHLY for making this trip!
I've forced myself to do a couple of trips lately, taking a kind neighbor lady along for company. I felt "empowered" by having done so. I hope you do too!
Love
Patty
P.S. I should add, I had to sleep for a whole day after returning home!

Thank you so much, Patty.

I've not slept well at all--much of this due to being on my period (my sleep's always erratic then, even at home). The beds are most comfy, and I have my walkman to lull me to sleep when I can.

"Unfamiliar territory"---that is the perfect phrase to explain how I feel. It is all highly unfamiliar. That's what's so difficult, partially.

Yesterday afternoon I had a 2-hr nap (energy for the concert), and despite using my sleep machine, I felt as if I'd never laid down at all. Because of full-body aches and overall worn out, my friend kindly went around the corner and picked up takeout dinner which we ate in the hotel.

The venue was a few blocks from the hotel. Excited, we walked briskly...being so overweight I got winded quickly. We arrived at the venue, and once inside saw it was 3-floors, and all required stairs. I was still pretty winded but we trudged up the stairs, & one knee started to hurt. I could feel my temples pulsing like mad--(I have a physical condition where in certain temperatures and degree of activity can cause me to become overheated and sometimes leads to hives), I knew instantly I had to stop moving. So we leaned against a wall for a bit. I felt so bad; my friend is a tiny thing, and she kept having to stop to stay with me. It was so embarrassing; my face beet red and sweat running down. We find drink area and get bottled waters...I knew I needed to lower my body temperature fast. I held two against my face/neck, other was for my friend. This little game went on for awhile. I saw many people as overweight as me, or bigger, and they had no problem trekking the stairs...I know I retain a lot of water in addition to the added weight---maybe that's it?

Get into the concert hall and it's general seating, so we get in the bottom balcony. I've still not cooled off to a comfortable level, so I keep applying the water bottles. Once I realize nothing physically dire's going to happen, I ease a little. But I start looking around (venue seats 2000), and the sea of people getting up, sitting down, walking back and forth, began to trigger my anxiety. The guys behind us could NOT stop showing off to one another about the various musicians they'd seen, at what venues, etc. One guy across the rows from us glanced repeatedly at us throughout the concert. The show hadn't begun so the house lights were on and entirely too bright. I took half of my P. attack med before we left the hotel; it hadn't kicked in and my anxiety was accelerating quickly. I then took a whole. The opening band came out and began to play. At that moment, I had a full-on Panic Attack....couldn't sit still, heart racing, spaciness, my ears sort of felt stuffed up, trying to catch my breath. By this point the lights were down, thankfully. I focused on breathing as best I could; my friend was wonderful; she rubbed my arm during the entire episode (which was about 45 min.). I started crying, etc. It was nothing short of awful.

When Fiona Apple came out, I had slooowly started to calm down. I did not anticipate her band having strobe lights; dizziness ensued & I had to shut my eyes a lot. During the performance ppl were CONSTANTLY getting up to get a beer, sitting back down, getting another one, one of the "seating ppl" kept coming down to warn ppl not to take pics (for this specific concert it was off limits). One thing after another.

Fiona performed beautifully; she was in her element and played most of my favorite songs. I told my bud when the show was over let's wait until most of the ppl filed out before heading back downstairs; I didn't want to slow anyone down. We get to the merch table, get a shirt, and all the security ppl are pushing everyone to get the ***** out. I asked if I could use the restroom; "Do it quickly," was one's reply. By the time we left the streets were dead and we walked back in peace. We talked about how much we disliked the venue---all the bands I've seen played in clubs of various sizes, but with smaller capacity, so this was new to us. We were both very uncomfortable there, and she said at one point she considered asking me if we could leave (I'd paid the tickets); I told her I wish she had, I gladly would've.

Back at the hotel we start packing a lil to leave later this morning. I tell her that, while I know I shouldn't, having the panic attack at the concert made me feel like a complete failure. Even though I made it all the way over to this city, dealt with listening to ppl yelling at one another in the street below our building, the constant traffic everywhere we turned. Despite handling all of that pretty well, the attack simply left me drained, defeated and ashamed. The non-ideal layout of venue didn't help, nor did the near-asthmatic episode of trudging my severely overweight body up all the stairs help either. I just know I was glad when it was over, and I felt--and feel--like I took a huge step back. Even at home I prepared myself I might have an attack or two...yet it has been so hard. What made it so bad was being there in the middle of all those ppl, trying to keep it together.

I've slept...close to 4 hours tonite. We leave this am and head to my aunt and uncle's house, which I'm looking forward to quite much; I haven't seen them in years, and they're very kind and accommodating--like staying at a bed and breakfast.

My friend and I are both weary from the trip, and she doesn't even have anxiety issues. I dunno....at this point I almost feel like I haven't accomplished anything. Being sleep deprived isn't helping. Yay menstruation!

Thanks for reading everybody. I'm going to attempt more sleep.

[LiveThroughThis]

We arrived at my aunt and uncle's early Thursday afternoon. It sits on several acres of wooded land, and they have gardens, a pool, and a fantastically smart dog. I haven't seen them in 4 or 5 years. Thankfully they said nothing about my weight. But I knew my grandmother hadn't told them much of my maladies, so I caught them up. They were pretty surprised, particularly that my family's been so unsupportive/judgemental. I knew being with my aunt/uncle would be calming, and it was, despite having little sleep and being generally anxious from all we'd done in Atlanta. We just sat around and talked. My uncle is highly opinionated, so he had a lot to say about my conditions initially. But the next day I could tell some of it set in, and he assured me, "Look, you'll Always have us, ok?" I kind of teared up. This is family in another state, extending their true support to me. It was just, alot. I wanted to stay another night, but my friend was missing her daughter, so we left Friday afternoon. My friend assured me, though, she would definitely like to go back. I want very much to as well, and I don't want to wait a year or more this time; and they said I could bring my dog,

When we got home--after the directions took us 30 min out of the way into "Deliverance"-ville--my bf wanted to go do karaoke as he was off part of the week as well. Exhausted as I was, I went because it's fun (it's a really small place) and he never gets to go cause of work. I didn't sing, but someone was smoking, and I'm very allergic to it. Afterwards we stood outside talking to a friend for 3 hours I hadn't seen in years. I slept Saturday and Sunday, not feeling rested. Also I started losing my voice, again. Essentially I pushed myself to do more and I paid for it, as I always do.

Because of the laryngitis creeping back in, I've not been able to see my therapist, and probably won't til next week. Which is bothersome, because I have so much to catch her up on, as well as needing her feedback.

Since I've been home, I've pretty much not gone outside. Not out of anxiety but because I spent all of last week around many many ppl, most whom I didn't know. I don't want to go out to my bf's parent's house and have to talk about my trip and listen to their dog bark up a storm at me while they sit idly by. I've always been this way though, even when I was doing really well in my life: I could be around ppl, be social and animated just fine, but when I'd had enough, I went home and hermited and keep to myself for awhile. No different now, except there are places I'd like to go, and someone has to take me. My only real transportation is my bf's mom, and I'm not ready to be around her (she means well, but she can be anxiety-provoking).

As far as the trip---I truly wasn't ready to come home. The first two days were ok, but filled with anxiety. At my family's house, that's where the real vacay began. Maybe it was the high of being there and finally feeling like nothing awful was going to happen. I don't know. But I could have stayed at my relatives' house another couple of days.

That's all I guess.