[desirae]

I have a 2 month old nephew, and his mother, my 17 year old sister is not caring for her baby. I assumed that she would be different then me because of her age and the fact that she has no father figure for the baby, but I never suspected that she would be this way.

Well what she does is she pawns the baby on whoever will take him. My mother is a crack cocaine addict and has been sober for the past six days. Well the second day of her sobriety my sister left the baby with mom after mom said she couldn't watch him because she felt sick from detoxing.

Last night I asked my mom how many nights this week has she watched the baby while my sister was out partying and she said every single night.

My sister has called her friend Missy so much to watch the baby that she no longer picks up the phone when my sister calls.

Every time I try to say something to her about how she's neglecting her baby, how she needs to grow up, make sacrifices, and bla bla bla...she tells me I'm envious because I don't have friends and I can't go party. Then she puts me down because I don't condone in her "pawning her baby off" games. She's just mad because I refuse to take the baby while she goes and gets smashed every night.

What scares me the most is that she refuses to be on birth control. She already has difficulties figuring out who the father is to my nephew now and if she was to get pregnant I highly doubt she would know who the father is. She;s very promiscuous because it's her way of seeking love, affection, and attention in her life.

I don't know what to do. I just wondering what you all thought. I will never call CPS or the police....that's out of the question because the baby is safe. I just need to know how to get across to her dumb head that she's a mother and it's time to grow the hell up!

[bebop]

I don't know what to tell you if you won't call cps..she is neglectful for sure. as far as getting thru to her you can't. maybe a call to cps would wake her up!
it is so hard to sit back and watch that kind of thing happen. I am sorry you are having to go thru this.

[hillbunnyb]

Desirae, what a mess! I can't imagine how frustrated you feel. Sounds like sis needs some kind of intervention. You cna't do it alone. I hope more experienced and informed folks respond to your post. Thank you for caring for your nephew's welfare.

[desirae]

It is hard seeing it happen mainly because that poor defenseless little baby is going through all this. I think that's what hurts the most, but what also hurts is the disappointment I have in my sister. My sister led to me believe through her pregnancy that she was going to be different then our mother and that she was going to give up the partying and promiciousness.

I know the baby is safe and if anything was to happen my mom knows to call me and I would go get him. They live about 15 minutes away so it's no big deal.

[bebop]

des I know you are a loving person. but with your mom having her problems do you think she will stay clean? I am thinking of that poor little baby. I am glad you are there to help. take care hon

[hillbunnyb]

Yeh, reality check time. Too bad you don't have a recording of her former words and a video of her current behavior!!

Parenting is no easy task. Kid-parents don't realize what a full time job it is. Heck, adult-parents don't reallize what a full time job it is. I don't think 90% of people would spawn if they knew how big a job it is to raise a kid all the way to adulthood.

Do you have access to the tv shows, like Nanny 911 and Wife Swap and Trading Partners? I have recently seen some episodes and they really are very interesting scial commentaries on where we are with parenting in the good ol' USA. Family dynamics, parenting issues, values: bringing in an outsider sure blows the stuff out from under the carpet.

Maybe you could watch this kind of show with your sister and Mom and have a place to start talking about parenting and
your sister's role and your nephew's upport froup's role and get all the cards out there on the table in a non acusatory way, using the Nanny's point of view as neutral turf, for instance.

Part of her must be terrifed at being a Mom. Not using birth control is probably another denial thing.

[walkswithspiritbear]

((((((desirae))))))) what a mess that you find yourself in... Do you realize though that that baby is not really safe, the day will come when she can't find a sitter and the child will be left alone or the party will be at her house.. I saw this myself with my daughter.. she still hasn't learned any of life's lessons and that saddens me to no end. I don't talk with her much at all as she does nothing but lie time after time. It breaks my heart because I know at this point she has a three yr old that sees and knows too much already. It is only a matter of time before that child is taken away from her.

Please get your sister some help!!!! Ignore her putdowns, it is just her way of making herself feel better... please if not for her but for the innocent child being left who knows where ( you may know for now, but what about tomorrow) I am sorry that this trouble is in your life... I wish I had more comforting words. But I do offer an ear and a warm hug whenever you need it... Linda

[darkeyes]

I am happy that this little boy has you, but my concern is that though you say he's safe, and if "something" happens, you are close enough to be right there for him, which is a Godsend to this child, but here goes the big "if", what happens if something happens? To what extent? Why wait till "something happens" to report her? Not to sound grim, if your sister is not a good mom, and your mom is in some sort of transistion with herself,is either one of them capable, other than you if there would be some emergency? Why wait till one occurs also. Being passed around,is not healthy,psychologicaly, and possibly even physically, for your nephew, he deserves a stable home, with stable parents.
Thank God, he has you, probably the only stable person in his life.
I send you many good wishes of love and luck with all of this, it is so difficult to witness this happening to a child, even a pet, too.
Take care now,
DE

(((((((((( Desirae )))))))))))))))

[SeptemberMorn]

Desirae, my personal opinion is that your nephew is NOT safe. If your mother is going through detox, she's got more than she can handle herself. She could have a moment of extreme impatience because she feels so bad. What of your nephew then?

The only way your nephew would be safe is if YOU had him 100% of the time... or CPS did an intervention. I'm sure that not even then, your sister would stop leaving that child with just anyone and stop partying. Even if she did stop, how would she react to the child? She would resent the baby for keeping her at home where she belongs.

That baby is not growing up grounded, feeling secure. Too many strangers in his life that suddenly get taken away from him at your sister's whim.

It really doesn't matter what your sister is doing or what your mother is or is not doing. What TRULY MATTERS is that baby boy! The most important consideration is that baby's welfare, not anyone else's feelings about it. WHAT IS IN THE BEST INTEREST OF THAT CHILD???

If you don't feel like you could take him full time, then it's time that he gets placed in a safe, stable environment.

[January]

I am in 100% agreement with Septmorn. The baby's interests must come first and foremost, but it sure is a hard spot for you to be in and I feel for you. Please take Tomi's advice on this one.

Hugs,

Jan

[Maven]

I'm also in agreement with SeptemberMorn. CPS isn't just about safety, it's about stopping abuse, and a neglected child is an abused child.

[desirae]

Thanks all for your replies.

I agree that going from house to house, from friend to whoever, is very tough on the baby. Recently he began getting ill, throwing up, diarrhea, and the worse case of diaper rash I had ever seen in my life. I asked my sister what could be casing this problem and when she was going to take the baby to the pediatrician. One evening I even offered to give her and the baby a ride to Oak Hill (40 minutes away from my house) to get the baby to the doctor. She of course refused because she was expecting friends that evening. Finally when they did get the baby to the appointment it was discovered that he was very allergic to his formula. All the pain and suffering the baby went through could have stopped immediately if they would have taken him to the doc like they were supposed to.

I actually went and seen my nephew yesterday. He was doing very well the throwing up and diarrhea has ceased and he seems much happier. Of course my mother and sister were physically fighting over food stamps in front of the baby and my kids as well. But besides that psychotic episode all went well.

Ever since mom has stopped doing drugs she's began acting as herself again. She truly does care for the sake of the baby and I believe that if she was unable to handle him mentally or is having cravings so bad that she was going to leave she would either call me or drop him off at my house. Believe it or not I trust my drug addict mother will do the right thing before my cold, heartless, and very selfish sister would.

I seriously think the baby will be safe and fine. I'm unable to take him because my husband won't let me and it's really really hard with three babies in diapers. But I feel comforted that I'm close and I will come whenever called. If anything real neglectful or bad was to happen or even get close to happening, I would call CPS on my sister in a heart beat. I just don't feel that what's been done is not worthy enough to call CPS and tear them apart. I would be hated forever.

Plus there's actually already a CPS case opened on my mother because of my sister calling CPS on my mom, so they are actually already monitoring that household.

Thanks all for you replies and opinions, I appreciate that you all care.