[desirae]

I got sick of my husband being a jerk, and with not smoking anymore it's hard to take a break from him. I decided to go to my moms and get a break, and do some laundry while I was there. Of course I brought both of the babies with me because I'm not allowed to go anywhere without them.

I stayed there, made tacos for everyone, did my laundry, and helped my sister with her baby. Of course my kids were getting a little cranky because it was getting late, all of a sudden everybody (mom and sister) kept asking me to leave saying "I'm on the phone or it's my weekend and I'm trying to relax". They kept asking and asking, they even suggested that I take my son outside till my clothes were done drying. Finally I got so mad (and hurt ), that I took my wet clothes out of the dryer, put my kids in the car, and carried everything out by myself in a hurry. Nobody even offered to help me carry anything out, mom was playing poker and sister was eating chips.

I'm so hurt by this, I escape home to go there because I feel non existent here, then I go over there and was asked to leave over and over. It's like I have no where to go, nobody to help me.

I'm in so much pain from this, I know it's dumb, but I feel awful. I feel alone and on my own. There's no where else to go to get out of the house, it's either Wal Mart or my moms. Now I have no where to go, so I will always be here. Trapped in my own home, trapped in a loveless marriage, and alone.

[bipolar_bear]

I am so sorry you family treated you so badly. Can you meet some people your age that you can do things with your kids? Groups for any interests you may have? I know the feeling of being alone and am so sorry that you are feeling that way now. Remember we are here if you need someone to talk to. Please take care of youreself.

[January]

How terrible for you. I'm so sorry.

((((((((( Des ))))))))))

Hugs,

Jan

[Maven]

I'm sorry your family isn't more supportive and asked you to leave. Have they ever offered to help you leave your husband?

Why didn't you leave your children with your husband? You said you're "not allowed" to go anywhere without them and you've mentioned similar things by your husband. Stand up to your husband and stop taking this crap. He doesn't get to give or take permission to or from you. Leave the kids with him--what's he going to do? It's not like you're abandoning them. Let him take care of them for a while. Get out of the house. Go for a drive. Volunteer or get a job somewhere and make some friends. Things won't get better if you keep letting him tell you what to do. You don't have to do what he says. It's up to you to stand up to him.

[desirae]

I can't stand up to him that way. It's to much to explain but either I do what he says or I pay the price. He tells me what I can and cannot do, he's like my daddy.

If I leave the children he will give me a short time limit or not allow me to go, so I take them so I can stay out as long as I wish. But usually he calls and tells me to get home eventually anyway.

There's nothing I can do, and there's no where to go even if I did want to leave. Everything here is mine, yet if anybody was to move out with a few bags, it would be me and my kids.

Time is against me at this moment, I'm waiting for the right time to leave because I'm breaking down from this, soon I'll be a maid.

You know, I always leave hints for my family that my husband is this way and they still have no caringness, compassion, or understanding. They treat me just as cruelly and cold as he does.

It's pathetic and I'm pathetic for allowing myself, and my children, to experience this. It's such a weakness.

[Maven]

Does your husband beat you? Whether he does or not, there are people who can help you. You may not like the idea of going to a shelter, but they can help get you out of that situation. What he's doing to you is abusive to the children, and you have to do something for their sake.

And don't leave hints for your family about your husband. Tel them. Say it. They may not understand just how bad it is for you, and they're not mind readers. You have to ask for help to get it.

I agree what you posted has made me suspect in the least emotional abuse and isolation. What your husband is doing is how abuse begins - isolating the person. from the post he has isolated you using the children. You cant go anywhere without them for any real length of time. Im wondering how long it is going to be before he stop allowing you to take the children with you so that you are even more limited. and no non abusive husband times their loved ones time away from home and then calls them to tell them to get home. Lots of guestions going through my head right now -

How long is it going to be before you are no longer able to leave the house to go to your relatives?

How long is it going to be before your car keys are taken and given to you only to do the shopping with only this amount of time to do it in?

how long is it going to be before he starts limiting your phone calls?

How long is it going to be before you are no longer able to use the phone?

As you can tell I have been there and girl Im afraid you may be (Im not in your real life so I don't know for sure) in the first couple phases of Domestic Violence.

My advice now while you still have freedom of the car and kids and a way to remove the clothes from the house safely (laundry) I would at least talk with someone in your local Domestic Violence or Rape crisis center. They will be able to let you know for sure if what you are going through is the beginning stages of domestic violence and give you some options should you want to use them such as shelter information, support groups and therapy, reporting process should you need police intervention. I cant tell you to get out for I know myself how hard it is to make that decision but please educate yourself on your options and what to expect in each phase of domestic violence so that you will be able to make decisions when the time comes where things are totally out of your control and things are emotionally charged.

[(JD)]

I think you should at the very least find out the phone number to your local Women in Distress group (or similar) so you have a contact for when it gets lifethreatening? Sigh. TC of yourself too.

[wisewoman]

My young friend. I can't post to you a long post but I wish you would look at what I am going to post in general about what I have been experiencing. It might help. I don't know. I am happy you are so good to your babies. They are sweet angels and you are blessed. I am also sorry it is so hard.

[Lexicon78]

(((((desirae)))))

I'm sorry that your own family was so terrible to you and your children! It breaks my heart when people are like this with their own family.

You do belong...you belong with us!

[hillbunnyb]

Desirae, uh oh, you are in a fix that will take hard work to overcome, but there are people to help you out there. Previous posts covered those resources. I agree, call your local domestic violence hotline and become informed about the nature of abusive relationships and how to get out of them. It takes some planning, they know the ropes, and can hook you up with others in the same boat to talk about it.

To help you start making new friends and expand your personal circle: Is there a park in your neighborhood where other young mothers and kids hang out and play? You might could find friendship and support right nearby and not be stuck being dependant on your family.

I hope you and your kids get out before his abuse escalates.

[Sabrina]

I feel awful for you after reading this. You are showing a lot of strength and you really are a good Mom. You don't deserve to be treated this way by your family or husband.

I don't know what to say but I am really sorry.

[desirae]

I know all of you are concerned, and it means a lot to me that you all care and understand, but I swear to you that it's not that bad. First of all my husband is a work junkie, he works ALOT. He's not home very much at all and when he is he stays up for a couple hours and hits the hay. Second, I'm not as weak as my posts kind of make me sound, I don't allow him to completely have control over me, and he doesn't beat me physically, just emotionally.

I feel that it's important that I too take responsibility for the problems I cause in our relationship too. I'm very verbally abusive to him, I constantly threaten to kick him out, tell him I hate him, and tell him I'm very unhappy. Not in front of the babies, of course, but still it's not right. I think he hurts me verbally just as much as hurt him.

He can't control me to where he wouldn't allow me to have the car keys and such. The car is mine, titles in my name, and he knows if he tried to take my keys away from me I could easily call the cops........which I've never done before, but still that's a possibility.

He needs me and has no other option to either work with me, put up with my unhappiness, or try to work with me to get our marriage on track. The Apartment is mine, cars mine, and all our furniture and belongings are mine. Plus I get loans, grants, and scholarships that I'm sure he appreciates as well. That and he knows he would have to leave the kids with me because I would never allow him to custody (Kids can't even sleep without me).

I still have an upper hand here, he needs me just as much as I need him. I think I have some power over decisions as well. I just have allowed him to set boundaries for me as if I were a child.

Although our marriage is quite loveless as you can tell, I think I owe him something I could never give him. He taught me many things about life, he opened his heart to me and teached me life altering things about love and life that my parents would never understand because of their own mental illnesses. He is also putting me through college and kicking my butt along when I'm at the verge of giving up on my education, he desires that I be dependant......he may be setting me up before we split up.

IDK.....it's obvisiouly not the best situation for my children and I, but it's not the worse either. He does love his children, and he does value me. He always tells me I'm a very good mother.

I think if we were to seek counseling, and he was to get help for his drinking, that this marriage could be saved, I want this to work and prosper for our children.