Hi everyone, let me introduce myself, my names simon and im 19, and despite my age, ive been through enough emotional torture and upset to last a few lifetimes.
it all started wen i was really young, and by that i mean about 5 ish and upwards, to put it the best way, i dont really have many happy memories from my childhood. My mum and dad divorced wen i was about 5 and i saw them constantly fight with eachother, and i could hear them physically fightin behind a closed door and i used to just sit there and cry cos i knew there was nothin i could do. i always remember my brother and my sis sat there cryin too.
within a couple of years that faded away but before i could start enjoyin my childhood, even worse things happened. Wen i was about 10 my brother sexually abused me numerous times and i never had the courage to tell anyone, i was just too scared, i used to lie in bed at night cryin with fear knowin my brother will be comin up soon, he was about 16 at the time, maybe 17. i remember lyin in bed one night squeezin my teddy so hard because i was so scared, but i was 10, how can stop it happenin that young! ive kept it a secret up until earlier this year wen i decided to tell my councillor who i have been seeing for 3 years. ever since i decided to speak up about it ive experienced growin resentment and deeper hatred towards my brother, he still lives at home with me and my dad. i cant begin to express how hard it is to live with someone who did that to me. i did confront him earlier this year but he just didnt care and he didnt show any signs of guilt for what he did which has made it harder for me. i havent told anyone else apart from him and my councillor, but i havent told my brother the emotional effects it has had on me.
ive always thought my childhood was robbed from me at such a young age.
apart from this i also had to deal with something major in my early childhood, wen i was 14 my mum passed away, she was an alcoholic and her body had just had enough and decided to give up. my mum and dad have both been alcoholics in the past, my dad was the "secret alcoholic" in which he'd hide his cans of lager, but he always got violent wen he'd drink so i spent a fair few years being in complete fear of him. that contributed alot to the fights him and my mum had. he still hasnt stopped drinking to this day but he doesnt drink the volumes he used to.
After mum died i felt really lonely because me and her had a strong relationship, a few months before she died she promised me she will always be here for me (she never knew about what my brother did to me) and her last words to me were "im so scared, i love you simon" which she said the day before she died. She basically became ill on the monday mornin, and by thursday dinnertime she was dead.
After that things never seemed easy, they never did before, but now it all seemed alot harder, i slipped into depression and after a few years of bullyin at school, i left wen i was 16 and wen i was sacked from my part time job for stealin £200 i quickly slipped into deeper depression, and i developed an eatin disorder and grew afraid to leave the house, most days i stayed in bed crying all day, i couldnt sleep, didnt eat, and that left me feeling physically and mentally exhausted, cos i was cryin all day and night and didnt have any friends to fall back on, i was 100% on my own, at just 16/17 years old! it got to the point wen i was so deep in depression that i decided to end it all one day and opened a box of painkillers and i held them in one hand with a glass of water in the other, but something stopped me takin them, i looked death straight in the face and it scared me so much i dropped the pills and just fell asleep cryin. i went to the doctor and he prescribed me anti-depressants which made me ill, so wen he gave me anti-sickness tablets to counteract the illness, it turned out i was allergic to them and it caused me to have muscle seizures which put me in hospital, i had seizures every 10 mins for about 15 hours, so i was even more exhausted from that. life for me then couldnt get worse.i was at the bottom with no lifeline.
by this time i was goin to councillin but it takes a while for councillin to take effect so it didnt seem to help initially.
as the days went on i slipped into a constant "panic attack" mode in which i was breaking down at the slightest things, i remeber once i spilled a glass of coca cola and i just fell on the floor cryin.
in the meantime, my family were falling apart, my sister turned violent one day after taking drugs and nearly stabbed my dad, it was only the fact i stood in her way and told her she would have to knife me first. i suppose she just couldnt do it. that was about 2 years ago and my dad and sis still dont really get on now, shes 21 this year just in case you wondered.
so in the space of about 14, 15 years i have seen violence between parents, sexual abuse from my brother, violence from my sis and harsh bullyin from school IMMEDIATELY after my mum passed away. ive seen the darkest, deepest depths of depression and ive seen death, but there is inspiration involved in this, see, experiencing all those traumatic events at such a young age has strenghtened me intensely, i now have a full time job which i reasonably enjoy, but my biggest achievement is yet to come. im out of depression now and even though i am really unhappy lately over the sexual abuse issue, i have developed a huge passion for music which i am following up enthusiastically. i have written (but not recorded) some fiercly emotional songs and i am currently looking into singing/piano/guitar lessons (singing is the priority though) and wen im confident with my singing ability there will be no stoppin me. i have a huge drive for success, just to prove to myself and those people who have kicked me down that i will always rise taller above them and they will never win against me.
Like i said, i am really having a bad time emotionally lately, i feel really lonely and scared still about the abuse i suffered. its just a stage of grief that im going through at the moment so i have to deal with it and ride it out, its a long journey, a journey im prepared to walk down, alone or not, because i know the benefits awaiting at the end. i know all my trauma has given me immense levels of emotion that i can pour into music and i love music so much that im prepared to take this journey to get there.
Im currently in an un-voluntary 4 week gap in between councilling and i dont wanna do this journey alone, i hope you guys can help and i too, hope i can inspire somebody reading this because even though i am suffering a great deal at the moment, its setting me up for such a successful future doing something i have extreme levels of passion over.
I am now such a caring, trustworthy person who people come to if they have personal issues, i havent told many people about the depression as i met them after i got over the worst, i think some things are best left out of everyday life. I am a completely different person to who i was 2 years ago, i have made such a remarkable journey through life and this is just the last mountain i have to climb, one of the hardest, but like i said, is ultimately beneficiary.
I am really sorry this is such a big description, such a large amount of text, but i hope i have expressed myself to the extent i have hoped and i look forward to hearing from you soon.

[bebop]

welcome to pc! I am so sorry you have had such a rough life but you are in the right place here.

[LadyDragus]

You will find help here simon..

I am sorry to hear of such hatard towards a family member but I can realte in many ways.. I still can not trust my brother after what he did to me when i was younger..

It hurts to have to see his face when I go down to my mom's and I have never told my parents and most likely never will..
as I am ashamed of what he did to me.. It has taken me many years to get over my fear of men, in general..

The support you so desperatly need is here on this site.. Lots of ppl here have been trhough some of the same things you are talking about.

I for one fully understand you, and where you are comign from.

Lady D

wow simon....what an inspiration you are.....seems to me that you've been to hell and back a few times in your short life but i must say how proud i am of you for taking the good from every bad experience.......i urge you to persue your music........perhaps you could post some of your songs in our creative forum.......welcome to the forums.....may you find comfort and support here.......

[BooRadley]

remember you are a strong survivor, and be your own champion. i wish you all the best. keep posting and making friends here.
{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

boo radley

[walkswithspiritbear]

((((((((((((Simon))))))))))))))sending gentle hugs to one who lost his childhood from another who had also. There are quite a few things I could easily relate too. Including the journey to feeling good about things. Life is something else ain't it?
If you ever feel like you really need to talk I try to leave this on all day, go ahead and pm me and we can go to a chat room or just pm back and forth. We all need a little help and you have come to the right place. The people here are kind and caring and extremely warm and sensitive. They all have had or have things going on so can relate on few levels... Take care and welcome to PC
Linda

[Sabrina]

I am sorry for everything that you have endured.

Welcome to PC. I am sure you will find much friendship and support here. We are a wonderful community with lots of love and friendship to offer.

Take care

Hey, thanks for bein so welcoming guys, it certainly is appreciated. I must admit it does make you feel good to express emotions and let people know the truth, it seems all i do is lie to people about things, or hide the truth, im almost ashamed of the fact i was abused. wheres the justice in that. it doesnt effect me now to the extent it used to, i feel alot more free as i said before but theres still that element of secrecy that you feel you have to keep.
It is comforting to know you guys are here, my councillor recommended this site to me, as i said, im on a 4 week leave from councillin so she thought it would be a good idea for me to come on here, and i will thank her wen i see her next cos i did feel better last night after telling my story.
I had some disturbing news today which didnt help things. back in may it was my mums 5th year anniversary of her death, well i found out today that my cousin, who i used to be close to (and who was close to my mum) went to my mums grave on the day and poured alcohol (beer and vodka) on her grave and said "have this one on me" knowing full well my mum died because of alcohol. And when i confronted my cousin about it this evening she admitted it and laughed at me saying she thought it was a good idea and couldnt understand why i was so upset, and wen i said the least she could do is apologise, she said "no, why should i, i havent done anything wrong" which im sure you guys can understand, hurt alot. im feelin really offended tonight because that was my mums grave and it hurts to know that my cousin went there with the intention to pour alcohol on the grave of someone who was an alcoholic, and she did it for a laugh to show off in front of her mates. i told her i dont want anythin to do with her anymore and shes not welcome in my house, or my life. thats the way i want it to be.

That said, i would like to take this opportunity to say that i am a fantastic listener and i always have time for people who need a shoulder to cry on, as i no how it feels to need a friend at times. so i would like to say that if anyone wants a chat with me about their worries even though i have a few of my own, i will always be here to listen and to hopefully cast some advice. i am sometimes complimented for my ability to be a great friend and a great listener, and i really dont mind doing that here, because at the end of the day, thats why we are here, to help eachother through times of trouble.

Take care and i will speak soon

simon, i am blown away by your life story. you are a very brave and courageous young man. you've been knocked down so many times and each time you've risen back up and gone forward.

it is despicable that your cousin poured the alchol on your mother's grave. i can't imagine anyone sinking that low. but, just detach from her and let her go her own sorry way.

we're good listeners also and some of us are always here...whenever you need to talk, please come post. xoxoxo pat

i agree with pat.......what your cousin did was horrible.......simon.......its good to have you here......you are indeed a brave young man

I have just got off the phone to my auntie (my cousins nan, its a confusin family tree, basically my cousin kellie who poured the alcohol over the grave is my cousins daughter, if that helps). I have had an arguement with my auntie and i said i dont ever wanna speak to them again, am i over reacting because i get the impression no one in my family cares that much.

im not in a good mood today to be honest, i feel let down and insulted and completely alone in this, i just think its bad what she has done but i cant see why nobody cares in this family!

Over the last few months ive decided not to drink any alcohol, or take any drugs because of what its done/doing to my family and my life. I never have done drugs, i have drank socially before but never badly, but now im stoppin alltogether, for good. Im glad i dont drink or smoke, and it has been interesting to see peoples response to it, so many of friends/colleagues cant understand why i dont drink, i am 19 years old afterall, it seems the "done" thing to do, but ive never been one to follow the crowd and i dont let the insults and mickey taking effect me, because i have reasons for doing these things and i wont let anyone put me down for that, i dont care what people at my age are meant to do, who has the right to tell me what i should be doin with my life. I just get the feeling nobody understands me at times and i feel i cant connect with my friends and colleagues because ive experiencced so much more than them and their lives seem shallow, for instance, the other day a woman in work was crying because she hadnt spoken to her boyfriend for a day, she seemed so unhappy and that makes me feel wierd because thats nothing to get upset about.im not saying her life is shallow, because to her it isnt, but i dont like seeing people gettin upset over pointless things, because they dont realise how easy they have had it compared to others. Does anyone else go through this with people around them.

There was one good thing that came out of today, i was complimented for making so many people laugh and a friend in work who doesnt lead such a shallow life said that nearly everyone in there likes me (theres about 50 people in there)and he hasnt heard a bad word about me, and that people see me as a lively, funny, friendly and trustworthy person, and that does make me feel great to hear that, cos i love to make people laugh, to see someone laugh at something ive just said is a great feeling. He could be making it up for all i know, he could be saying it to make me feel better, but it still does make me feel good. I feel i got so much to offer the world and im so excited about gettin out there and giving it to so many people. Ive promised myself that i will write a book about my life and i will use it hopefully to inspire people and show that even the deepest and darkest depths of depression have an escape route. Everything i went through had to happen and it happened for a reason, how can i hate that, i mean, fair enough, its the hardest thing i think i will have ever gone through but it had to be done, it was sent to test me and i proud i passed, my mum tought me a great lesson actually, i really struggle to see the negatives in all the bad things ive been through, thats why i feel i have alot to offer and express.
I wrote loads again! sorry, but i just have so much to say, so much to express, so again sorry for such a huge post but i hope you can withdraw alot from this. I dont want to sound like im "bigging" myself up or come across to you as though im big headed and cocky, im actually the opposite, but here i have to express so it might just make me look like i always talk about myself.

Speak soon

[Lexicon78]

I'm sorry for all you have been through!

(((((simply simon)))))

somon.....i find your posts both informative and uplifting! i hope that you will write that book!

[drunksunflower]

you sound cool simon ... i am glad you're coping at work ... for me that is what holds me together.

xx