Coping with anger triggers

I tend to get very mad over very small things, like repetitive noise/sounds and movement. I don't give any warning before I snap. The anger just builds so quickly and I end up screaming at whomever is causing me to become angry. I mean things that are so small like my husband sitting on the other end of the couch with his foot over his knee twirling his foot right at the corner often eye and I just snap at him. Any ideas on how I can deal with this in a more calm way?

Thanks.

Hi TrulyRose! Welcome to Psych Central! How are you sleeping? Not enough sleep can contribute I think. Are there other bigger things troubling you underneath that you hold in? I've had a big bubbling pit of anger underneath that sometimes breaks through. I've had to let go of some things that understandably angered me but I couldn't change or do anything about. Everybody is their own unique person so only you would know what applies to you. I hope you find the right forum here to help you with this.

I've been up going on 26 hours with no need of sleeping right now. This has only just started. The anger issue has always been a problem for me, for as long as I can remember. Which doesn't really say a whole lot because I have a really bad memory. I have oh so many underlying problems....things I just can't let go of (some stemming from as long ago as when I was 9 months old, to some very recent) I'm a forgiving and trusting person by nature and something that happened turned off that naturally trusting trait that I had. Trust...cannot trust anyone

Has something been bothering you for along time? Is that thing making you so unhappy that you are snapping about other minor things? Please share.

Well, Unhappyguy, starting at or before I was 9 months old I have been serverly physically abused by my stepfather. My mom knew it was happening but did nothing to stop it and to this day she basically denies it ever happened. I know that I've had to stay home from elemantary school because the proof was on my face.

Then just about two years ago I walked in on my "best friend" kissing my then 14 year old son. I found out that it was going on right under my nose for 3 years. She lived only 4 houses away from us. I thought I could trust her. I mean we did foster care together, she had all her clearances, why woundn't I be able to trust her with my children? What makes it so hard to deal with is her attempts to get at my son has also taken place in my own house and I am reminded of it every single day. I cannot escape it. We can't move, my husband has residency requirements for being a city career firefighter. It's not the "dream" I had for my kids. I resent living her I absolutely hate it. But in the same respect I want to support my husbands dream career.

Oh my I've been really going on here. Sorry it's so long winded but once I get started on it I tend to not stop.

Well, there is a space between sensing anger and expressing it. You may feel like you snap, but you don't. There is a moment in there where you can decide how to react.

Controlling yourself means making that moment longer and longer and longer in order to give yourself the opportunity to be in control.

I think expanding that space means being aware of how you are feeling. This lack of awareness is likely what is causing you to feel like you snap. Periodically "check in" and see how you feel.

If you're angry, begin to ask yourself why? You might not be angry at all, but disappointed or sad or fearful.

Things like this have always bothered me. It's nothing new and I really so try to tolerate the small things as much as I can, I'll even get up and walk away if it's bothering me that much.

I am angry for a lot of different reasons. But I keeping of the anger inside because it's not my family that's the reason and that's who I spend most of my time with.

Well, I noticed that you are struggling with PTSD and this challenge you are discribing is a very common complaint that people who struggle with PTSD have.

If you had a gaping injury to your leg that was trying to heal, it would become "very senstive", so much so that if someone just brushed up against it you would have a strong reaction.

Well, this is what happens with PTSD too. The brain is struggling when PTSD developes and it becomes "very sensitive". People who struggle with PTSD deal with "maginifed" responses to even the smallest distractions.

What you have discribed here is some very troubling attacks on your personal sense of "safety" and for you, it began at a very young age. And the other diagnoses you have of BPD is another result of experiencing some kind of childhood "abuse" where you never really developed an ability to "trust". What typically happens when someone developes BPD is while they "want" to love and trust, deep inside they believe that it is only a matter of time before they will be "let down and hurt". These people are often considered "toxic" because what happens is they make genuine attempts to "have trust and love" but there is a lot of anger deep inside that sends them a deep message that "they are heading for being hurt" so often they do things where they actually "try to bring that hurt on" so they can move on and get away from the challenge of "hoping they can finally love and trust".

Often PTSD accompanies this problem, and with PTSD, it is very similar in that someone has experienced a tramatic event where they had no control and the outcome was some kind of terrible loss. Or, as you discribe, they were invaded and suffered a loss when they "thought they could trust someone or an enviornment".

When something like this happens, anger is a constant and it doesn't take much for that anger to pop up, before the person struggling with PTSD can control it. I have had this experience many times myself, so I can totally relate to your concern about getting more control over this or that you have this happen the way it does.

Also from what you are discribing, your circumstances are not allowing you to really "get away" from the person who "hurt you" and you really "want to feel safer" and this too presents "anger". Well, I can relate to that myself because my neighbor's lazy/disrespectful/negligence destroyed years of my hard work leaving me with 8 crippled animals, two of which died. Yet, my neighbor is still there and I am stuck living with it. And the trama of lossing so many animals I loved and spent years training, was like losing my family, so I have a lot of anger.

Can I ask, are you holding this person "legally responsible" for their actions? What you are discribing sounds a crime to me.

Well, it is important that you get help to address all of these very troubling attacks you have experienced. You need to have a lot of validation, to be able to express your emotions, grieve what you have lost, and then slowly work on "healing". We heal by finally learning how to "learn from the things that hurt us" and that takes time, but it is important, otherwise you will continue to struggle with alot of this anger. By identifying what is behind the people in your past that "hurt you" you can often see that the reason it happened can often be because the "abuser was also a victim" and they behave the way they do out of ignorance. It is not that we "cannot trust" others, because we "can learn differently". If we can learn how to see the signs of potential abusers, we can learn to filter through that to finally being able to gain a sense of having more control of our lives.

I know this is a difficult challenge but if you do not take on the work and decision to heal, you will hold onto so much anger that you will continue to have these episodes where you react with an angry outburst even though you don't want to.

Being aware of your anger and understanding where it comes from is important. I have spent a lot of time working on this myself, and it is work, but by doing the work you can make gains, and overcome this problem more and more.

Open Eyes

Wow! Open Eyes, I am so grateful that you took the time and responded in such a touching and personal way. I am not a pity me type of person but I don't mind putting out what I am going through.

My problem is I WANT to trust people. I want the kind of life now that I never knew as a child. Now I'm going to tell you something that you're going to ask is WTF? But just hear me out. My son that this has happened to is now living with my mom and stepdad ONLY because I did not want him going to the school district we love in. He's only 10 minutes away and I get him every chance I get. The house isn't all the same that I grew up in. There is no physical abuse, then only thing we have to deal with is my parents sometimes bad mouth me in front of my son...THAT angers me. We can't confront them because they could kick him out and he loves his school so much and he's doing so great with his grades also. I don't think my mom understands just how serious the situation is.

As far as trusting people, my two boys my daughter and husband are the only ones I could even trust 100%. This women has taken a large part of my trust, as did my mom (she should've protected me).

In all reality I can make friends easily. I am myself most of the time, when I'm not at work. I am in a professional environment so I really try to keep myself contained. I have no triggers for anger or sadness at work so I really think that helps. I just wish I was working more the 2 days a week