[Permanent Pajamas]

This morning my neighbor came to the door. I didn't answer it. He rang several times. He is not friendly. I've waved to him and he never waves back.

I never answer the door unless I'm expecting someone. I just don't like dealing with people, especially strangers. It's too stressful.

Now I'm feeling guilty about it. Maybe he needed help.

Help!

I'm really useless to society.

[tinyrabbit]

I would be the same. Don't feel bad. You might not have been in!

[Permanent Pajamas]

I am such a scumbag.

[Perna]

Not really (a scumbag). You weren't prepared. But now he has rung so there's a chance he might ring again today or tomorrow; what will you do if he does? I'd make a plan. Would it be easier for you to accidentally open your door (looking for a newspaper or something :-) when he's going out and wave, maybe call something like, "Did you ring/knock the other day? I wasn't able to come to the door but thought I saw you walking away; did you need something?" Or just open your door and wave, see if he comes over to ask you something then. But you'd be in your doorway, in control.

[unaluna]

Maybe he wanted help resetting a clock. You could always just go over there and say sorry you weren't dressed yet, what did he need. Or maybe the wife sent him over for a cup of sugar. Or maybe she was having a stroke. Aren't you curious now? Go over there and report back!! Okay, only if you want to

[Permanent Pajamas]

Originally Posted by hankster

Maybe he wanted help resetting a clock. You could always just go over there and say sorry you weren't dressed yet, what did he need. Or maybe the wife sent him over for a cup of sugar. Or maybe she was having a stroke. Aren't you curious now? Go over there and report back!! Okay, only if you want to

You made me laugh, sending me on a mission! I flunked out of the army right at the end of basic. Just gave up. Hated people screaming in my face for no good reason. All they had to do was ask.

I haven't taken a shower in four days. I've been very depressed. Don't want to face anything right now. Laying in bed with the blinds down.

[unaluna]

Oh yeah, the shower thing. I forgot about that. I took one Tuesday I think. Monday for sure. I'm also still in bed. I do have to leave the apartment today to pick up my Sunday newspaper. I have t tomorrow so shower for sure. You know we can't go on like this, but there's nothing stopping us!! Maybe your neighbor thought you were dead!

I know how you feel! I have done this exact same thing, to be wracked with guilt for the rest of the day and a feeling of failure. I think you are feeling this way because you are a very kind, helpful, compassionate woman who happens to have learned the true meaning of fear. Let it go, there are other people who are in the world who could have satisfied his possible needs. I used to feel guilty when I was driving if I saw a homeless man hitchhiking etc. and I would have my daughter (as a baby) in the backseat, feeling guilty because I was afraid the man would murder us or something. Then I came to peace that I help when it is appropriate for my situation and safe for me and my family. You did the right thing.

[tinyrabbit]

You are NOT a scumbag! Did you promise to be in whenever someone might knock? No! You might have been in the bath, or sleeping. If he really needed help he could have called someone. Please don't worry about it.

[Bark]

That sounds like me. I can be wracked with guilt over the smallest things.

What I would say is that you didn't open the door, fine. That's in the past now. You can't change the past. If he knocks again, you can choose to answer. If not, it's your choice what to do. But don't blame yourself for not wanting to answer the door to someone that hasn't been friendly to you when you haven't showered in a while. Even if you were feeling well you could have chosen not to open the door.

And hypothetically, if it was something really bad, and he had to tell you specifically, he could have slid a letter under your door. It could be he hadn't seen you in a while and was wondering if you were still kicking.

[ECHOES]

Originally Posted by Permanent Pajamas

This morning my neighbor came to the door. I didn't answer it. He rang several times. He is not friendly. I've waved to him and he never waves back.

I never answer the door unless I'm expecting someone. I just don't like dealing with people, especially strangers. It's too stressful.

Now I'm feeling guilty about it. Maybe he needed help.

Help!

I'm really useless to society.

You are not at all useless to society! Your home is your home and not society's home. There is no reason to feel guilty about not answering the door. You simply didn't feel like it. And of course you wouldn't feel like opening the door to someone you think is unfriendly. It is a small leap from unfriendly to untrustworthy, threatening, unsafe. So if that is where your mind went, then it was a protective action to not open the door to him because you don't want someone like "that" in your home.

Might be fun to be curious about it, too. Perhaps he was feeling guilty about not waving back and wanted to say hello?

Maybe another time, when you see him outside, you could mention that you were unable to come to the door the other day (no reason why is needed) when he was there. Let him explain then why he was there. This might settle your nerves and guilt. Not knowing is harder than knowing.

I consider a knock at my door, a ringing telephone, and an invitation to be things I can accept or decline without reason. I don't consider them an obligation, so no reason for declining is necessary. (No reason for acceptance is ever sought!).

I hope this person is a safe person, and that you can find neutral ground to interact so you can make that determination, and feel better.

[BeeKeeper]

Yep, I hide from my neighbors all the time. The woman who lives on the second floor of my house is so sweet and friendly, but she always asks me a lot of personal questions and gives me massages (she's a masseuse, not just some random creeper). She also never leaves once she comes inside. I mean, like, 45 minutes of awkward conversation.

You should drop off a newspaper, a cup of sugar, and a few eggs in the middle of the night, just in case.

[pachyderm]

Originally Posted by BeeKeeper

You should drop off a newspaper, a cup of sugar, and a few eggs in the middle of the night, just in case.

[AAAAA]

I hate the doorbell, knocking at the door and a ring tone from an unknown caller. Maybe I'm antisocial, idk. If you're part of my inner circle, you know you don't have to knock, you just come right in.

Doorbells, knocking and unknown ring tones mean drama. I don't need drama! I LIKE my peace and quiet. Some people have boundary issues, for that I have a Rott. Now WE know she's the sweetest thing ever, my friends and family know she's the sweetest thing ever, but outsiders, well...

I have never in my life just dropped by someone's house. Except for close family or friends. I have never met someone at work, or church, or any of the kids' extra cirricular activities and just decided to stop by. Never. I cannot comprehend why other people think that's ok. My home is my sanctuary and you must be invited in!

A co-worker of mine had surgery earlier this winter. She's "drop by" kind of gal. I've told her over and over again, do not come to my house unannounced, I will not see you. If you want to come over, call first (is this too much to ask?). Anyway, she had surgery that required her to take several months off. I knew she's a single mother and on a limited income. So I made her a lasagna and the trimmings and put a Get well soon card on it and dropped it off like a thief in the night. My GM figured out that it was me, and asked why I didn't sign the card. I said because that would be like an open invitation for her to come to my house every day of the week and I was not having it.

I have lived in this house for 15 years. It's a small community but I couldn't pick my neighbors out of a line up. When I started working at the place I am now, one of the managers said it was nice to finally meet me, she'd been my neighbor for 7 years and saw me twice putting laundry out on the line. Being stand offish has its advantages. One co-worker confronted me. It seems her grandson was having problems with "a mean old woman." His father apparently lives next door. I told her that it must be the woman on the other side of them, because I'd never even laid eyes on the boy. Last I knew the young man that lived there had two little girls playing in the yard, I'd never even seen a boy. (Seems I was a bit behind the times, the two little girls belonged to his girlfriend and they'd been broken up for a year. ) So if you want to know what's going on in my neighborhood, don't ask me.

So PP welcome to the club! It's peaceful here!

[Maven]

I almost never answer my door when I'm home alone.

[pachyderm]

I have a peephole in my door. Still hard to identify what is out there sometimes, but it helps!

[Permanent Pajamas]

I am able to see who it is. I just can't handle surprises like this. I'm bipolar. I've been seriously depressed. The sun hasn't been out for weeks. I've haven't showered for days. Leave me alone. I leave the rest of the world alone. Why can't they just leave me alone?

You know the mailman is such a nice man. He knows. If I have a package he parks it in the corner for me. He doesn't ring the doorbell incessantly and knock the way this guy did the other day. He came around three times!

I found out he and the other neighbors had water in their basements from the heavy rain and the melting snow. What could I do about it? Nothing.

[avlady]

You might even haved saved your own life if he was going to do something bad to you. You can't trust strangers nowadays, you never know there is so much junk going on today in this world!

[Permanent Pajamas]

Originally Posted by avlady

You might even haved saved your own life if he was going to do something bad to you. You can't trust strangers nowadays, you never know there is so much junk going on today in this world!

He is not a nice man, the neighbor. I have waved to him and he never waves back. Crabby!

[Sabra]

It's nice you found outwhat he wanted.

I have the same issues when depressed. If someone is at the door, I will literally hide until they go away. If the phone rings, I can have a panic attack. This doesn't happen very often, but I hate it. One thing I try to remind myself when it does.........I am not under any obligation to open the door or answer the phone.

Realistically,when I ruminate over these things, the person has moved on and is not thinking about me. I can be in a total snit and I am not on their radar.. When depressed, I think I put way too much emphasis on what others think about me. The truth...they really don't spend time thinking about me. I spend time and energy that is totally wasted when I get into one of these cycles.

Sabra

[Permanent Pajamas]

Sabra, I am just like that.

[LovelaceF]

Hmm. Well, I don't mind opening my door but usually it's just a kid asking for fund-raiser money or something. Canvassers appear every now and again, too. Every once in a while one of my neighbours will knock on the door for something.

If I didn't feel safe or found a person I didn't want to talk to, though, I would just look out the window and wait for the person to leave.

What would you do if the neighbour had something seriously wrong - fire, accident / illness, etc?

[Permanent Pajamas]

I am so reclusive I get my mail in after it gets dark.

[Permanent Pajamas]

Originally Posted by LovelaceF

Hmm. Well, I don't mind opening my door but usually it's just a kid asking for fund-raiser money or something. Canvassers appear every now and again, too. Every once in a while one of my neighbours will knock on the door for something.

If I didn't feel safe or found a person I didn't want to talk to, though, I would just look out the window and wait for the person to leave.

What would you do if the neighbour had something seriously wrong - fire, accident / illness, etc?

I feel you're judging me here.

[LovelaceF]

Originally Posted by Permanent Pajamas

I feel you're judging me here.

Sorry, that wasn't my intention. I am really not judging. I just worry about that, and feel like I need to answer my door for that reason. You are perfectly free to feel differently!