This is something I have dealt with my whole life...and today is another one of those days where I don't have time for it, but here it is again doggin me!
I have these memories of events in my life...almost all of them are embarrasing moments where I look back and think "_________must think I am insane"
Like in 8th grade I "fell in love" with a friends cousin; she did like me but she lived in Colorado and she gave me her address so I could keep in touch...instead I sent her these long letters about how beautiful she was and how much I loved her and how...oh God she must have thought I was a frickin lunatic cause she NEVER wrote back!
And the problem I have is that right now, its as if I am back in 8th grade and can feel that tug on my heart and I can hear my dad tell my mom "your son is in love."
See, now I have opened the flood gate and I can't even bear to list anything else for the sheer embarrassment of it...
And it's random as heck too...I don't seem to have any choice but to endure the memory of whatever my brain uncovers; sometimes there is only one memory and other times, like today, its like a list and I keep on shaking my head and like an ipod it just skips to the next one on the playlist.
So is that some kind of "mental health" issue I am unaware of? Do others have similar issues? If not, do 'normal' people just have embarrassing moments and then they just never remember them? Or is there a 'normal' cycle to these memories and mine isn't working properly? IS this related to being BPD2?
Thanks to all my fellow PC'ers for reading and assisting.
I know you all are not Pdocs or T's, but your input is VERY important to me!

[Open Eyes]

(((SpiritOfAStorm))),

Yes, alot of people have these periods in their past where they can recall being "very nieve" and can be very "in touch" with that part of them as being with them in the present.

What you need to understand is that who we are in the present is an accumulation of what we experienced in our past. It is "normal" to form these attachments, crushes and be embarassed about them later, especially if the other person is not receptive to our strong attachment. What is important to remember though, is how we all go through stages in our developement that explore "attachments and purpose" where we don't really understand what it means.

Eighth grade? That is "very young" and that is a time where most are just beginning to enter puberty and are thinking about the opposite sex more. And that is also the time we are observing our parents and their relationship and beginning to put things together.
We have alot of messages we take in as well about love and romance that come at us from all kinds of books, television, movies and observing older people around us.

For a very long time, children feel the universe revolves around them. And then they begin to slowly think about others differently. It is just how our brain developes over time and what many don't realize is we mature very slowly. There are so many in their late teens and early 20's that really think they should "know who they are and what they want to be and have a sense of mastering the capacity of connecting with others". What many don't realize is how much more they need to mature because their brain is actually still growing and developing.

So when you look back on things that happened to you that leave you feeling embarassed and at a loss somehow, you are recalling a time in your life where you really didn't have the maturity level and experience to truely understand. And some of these memories like the one you are discribing were somewhat tramtic to you. So it is very normal to think back and wonder the things you are wondering, what did that girl think?, were you really dumb?, you never had the answers and it is very normal to want to have some answers, because after all, she never responded to you. Our brains like to solve problems and file these problems away. It is just how we are designed so we can learn and thrive better.

Personally I think that eventually they will learn that alot of the depression and adjustment disorder, anxiety issues are early PTSD symptoms and that PTSD has a spectrum to it much like Autism does.
They have been discovering how many people experience PTSD that can be the result of several tramatic situations from early childhood. If a major tramatic event takes place the person is more at risk of developing the full blown PTSD disorder.

An "adjustment disorder" is very much apart of "complex PTSD" and yes, the people who struggle had alot of difficulty with maturing normally and feeling that sense of "personal control" and "ability to thrive and become well adjusted and functional".

Your ruminating like this is also what happens with complex PTSD. I experience that myself and I do find it very confusing and "intrusive".

My suggestion is to find a Therapist that can help you sort through your past so you can understand yourself better and find some resolve. The fact that you used alcohol and self medicated means that you never got a chance to really "mature" normally. I had to learn all about this in dealing with my husband who was a binge alcoholic. Our marriage/family councelor explained to me that my husband only had the maturity level of a 13 year old because that is when he began self medicating with alcohol.

My husband stopped drinking and joined AA, and that is when he finally began to mature. It took a long time and I have to admit it was hard on me, and often very lonely. However, this "is" very common and the good part is with the right help you can finally fill in the areas where you just didn't get what you needed somehow to fully mature.

What would be helpful for you is to join AA so you can have access and support and realize that you are not alone too.

[Leed]

I've had these memories myself, and personally I don't think they're part of any mental illness. I think everyone has these memories that they're embarrassed about.

We all do things when we're young that we want to forget. We're impulsive as a young person, and don't use good judgment. We aren't old enough to even HAVE good judgment.

So don't think you're the only one who has these kinds of memories. Millions of people have these, and would just as soon forget them. Some of us CAN forget them, while others seem to bring them forth every now and again, and embarrass ourselves all over again. Don't worry about it. It's NOT anything serious -- at least that's MY opinion.

Take care and talk to your therapist if you're really bothered. God bless. Hugs, Lee

[amandalouise]

Originally Posted by SpiritOfAStorm

This is something I have dealt with my whole life...and today is another one of those days where I don't have time for it, but here it is again doggin me!
I have these memories of events in my life...almost all of them are embarrasing moments where I look back and think "_________must think I am insane"
Like in 8th grade I "fell in love" with a friends cousin; she did like me but she lived in Colorado and she gave me her address so I could keep in touch...instead I sent her these long letters about how beautiful she was and how much I loved her and how...oh God she must have thought I was a frickin lunatic cause she NEVER wrote back!
And the problem I have is that right now, its as if I am back in 8th grade and can feel that tug on my heart and I can hear my dad tell my mom "your son is in love."
See, now I have opened the flood gate and I can't even bear to list anything else for the sheer embarrassment of it...
And it's random as heck too...I don't seem to have any choice but to endure the memory of whatever my brain uncovers; sometimes there is only one memory and other times, like today, its like a list and I keep on shaking my head and like an ipod it just skips to the next one on the playlist.
So is that some kind of "mental health" issue I am unaware of? Do others have similar issues? If not, do 'normal' people just have embarrassing moments and then they just never remember them? Or is there a 'normal' cycle to these memories and mine isn't working properly? IS this related to being BPD2?
Thanks to all my fellow PC'ers for reading and assisting.
I know you all are not Pdocs or T's, but your input is VERY important to me!

We cant tell you what this is in you or even if its related to being BPD2 only your treatment providers can say what this is in you and whether its related to your BPD2...

what I can say is that in general remembering a past crush / love is normal. the brain stores all kinds of memories including the good times like when we are in love. then through out our life times memories good and bad come to mind when ever we think about something related to that memory..

that said I can also say in general reliving as if being there with a past event good or bad can sometimes be called a flashback which is part of having the mental disorder Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and is also part of no mental disorder at all.. by that I mean when the reliving of a memory as if its happening right now is due by no trauma its considered to be completely normal process of the brain but if this memory is due to a traumatic event then its called PTSD.

Again we cant say what this is in ...you....only your treatment providers can say what is going on with in you and whether its part of one of your mental disorders.

suggestion if this continues to be a problem for you, contact your treatment providers, they can help you figure out and understand what and why this is happening to you.

[avlady]

I get memories of being in embarrassing situations in my past and I hate it when they come out of no-where, maybe something is happening that is reminding me of them, and I'm getting embarrassed because i did not know something but now I do. I have learned, and sometimes when i learn something new, i get embarrassed as in the fact that i though i should have known something so easy, when really it may not be, i just didn't know it. Live and Learn is guess the saying goes!!!!! Can anyone understand this post by me it sounds very general, but there are just too many things I'm embarrassed about to pinpoint one situation.

[polarsoldier]

I often think back to points in my life where i fealt extremly embarased and ashamed of things i have said or done. However i have learned that i need to move on and put things in the past and leave them there instead of reliving them. Yesterday is history, tomorow is a mystery, and today is a gift.

[hahalebou]

Oh goodness, yes! Whenever I'm in a down period, my brain just likes to go down into one of its little file closets and pull out all the embarrassing things I've done to make me feel even worse. Sometimes it'll focus on one solitary thing, but it'll keep replaying it again and again and again until I'm obsessing over it and my mind can't think of anything else. You're not the only one...trust.

Thanks y'all for the responses.
The situation I listed is just one of many...I think of things in my past that I did and I just shake my head and think "what the hell was I thinking" or "why in God's name did I do THAT?"
And quite often I wonder if I am the only one who actually remembers it...like if would call some of those involved and asked about it would they go....nope, don't remember that at all or would they say that I was a moron then and remember it like yesterday.
Either way, with the info I have now I will process it all differently and not take myself so seriously!
THANKS SO MUCH!

[RedBarchetta]

I get that at times....

Actually, my biggest memory issue is it not being there.

What I mean is long term memory seems fine, short term not really - I will remember things from 20 years ago more clearly than things that happened yesterday.