[MyBestKids2]

I came home from my neighbors after my daily 1 hour stay for coffee. I looked at my computer and saw my yahoo IM screen up. My 10 year old daughter ran to close it. I told her "no", it was one of my friends, and she ran away. My electronic friend, Allen, had justed posted "Is this really you Dee"?. In response I asked Allen if he was talking to someone on my computer. He said, yes, he knew it wasn't me because I didn't know my age and all the writing was in caps. I then asked him what my 10 year old daughter said, and he was hesitant, and advised we should discuss over phone instead of through computer. (I saved the message but still haven't scrolled back to see what was said). By this time, I put the kids to bed, and was anxiously awaiting his call. First, I asked him not to be to explicit (I am petrified), and he agreed. He is a father with grandchildren my daughters age. Allen advised my daughter was looking for some cyber action, and she knew much more than any 10 year old he knows does. OMG, my heart is sinking....My question is...OK I have a T appt early tomorrow morning...do I scroll through the message b4 to talk with him..or after.. do I call the school tomorrow for a heads up....this is so hard w/o any family. You guys are all I have. Sorry for the pressure, but I really need some help. I need to look at this message but I can't. I need to talk with her tomorrow after school and discipline her, but how??? I did not approach my daughter b4 bed, and probably won't until she gets home from school Wednesday!!!

I think you need to look at it now. It's hard for me to believe SHE was looking for some "cyber action". She's 10 years old? Look at the conversation. You need to be the adult. You can discuss whatever may upset you with your T tomorrow. As a matter of fact-print it out and bring it with you to your T.
((((((mybestkids2))))) Don't assume your 10 year old daughter has done something wrong. Something doesn't sound right with him saying she knew much more then any 10 year old he knows. I'm assuming HE'S a perv. No matter what it says, remember-she's only 10 and he's an old man!

[Rapunzel]

Tough situation. You're going to need to read through that message and see what your daughter said. You need to know what you are dealing with here. You will probably want to put restrictions on her computer use, like no using the computer unsupervised. It sounds like you have the computer where you can see it, since you did see the open message screen. Personally, I would set the computer to require logging on and not give her the password. Although, kids are pretty computer savy and might be able to get around the password. You might need to disable internet when you're not home. And if she is able to get to the library, I don't know... How big is your town and how well do you know the librarians?

Restricting access is only good so far. Once you read that message and know what she was after, you can have a talk with your daughter and see if she understands the dangers of what she was doing. It's hard to get through to kids because they don't think bad things are going to happen to them, even if they know those things happen to other kids. The part of the brain that makes rational decisions doesn't actually finish developing until around the mid-20s. Let your daughter know that you love her no matter what, and that your job is to keep her safe. Kids do want to be safe even at the same time that they want freedom. Spend time with her and have some fun and keep your relationship as open as you can. Be someone she can communicate with and not be afraid of getting in trouble.

I hope this helps. You are the expert on your daughter, so you will know best what to do. What would have worked with you when you were her age, if you had been in her position?

Rap

[kimmydawn]

(((((((((((( hugs )))))))))))))

Can you call over your coffee friend, or someone you trust, to read it with you? I think you should read it before t tomorrow, but if you can manage it, you should have someone with you. T can help you figure things out to say immediately, etc.

I know how scary this is, hon. Can you have someone with you and read?

KD

[MyBestKids2]

I have read it, and it was bad. It could have been worse, shouldn't have happened at all. I have been a horrible mom. My friend never acknowledged her comments, but only asked how my hospital stay was, weather, and when "I" was coming online. This is very distubing, and I am sorry for venting. Thanks all for being so kind!!

[kimmydawn]

It IS very disturbing when, as parents, we see this from our young children. I'm so sorry.

Can you get with your t, the school counselor and discuss talking with her further. It could be that someone outside could talk with your daughter...a police officer, or someone knowledgeable in online crimes against children. This could be a changing experience and an end to this behavior possibly?

I would also investigate her friends at home, and ask counselor about her friends at school if she was talking way above her age, etc., to find out where possible exposure of these discussions might be coming from. I have to say that I had one instance of something like this with my youngest, and even though she was 16, I went to the school counselor, etc., and asked about friends and stuff and found out exactly what I needed to do from there. There wasn't another instance. It was a different set of dynamics. However, I recognized the behavior as "not my daughter". I was right...

We're here. Please keep us updated as we all care about our children.

Many hopes and wishes to you tonight.

KD

[bebop]

kids today do know much more than we ever did at that age. I am glad your friend realized it wasn't you online!! smart man!

[MyBestKids2]

I will make it through tonight (maybe without sleep) until my 8 a.m T appointment. I will not be angry when I talk with my daughter, however I will be firm (something I usually am not good doing) I will bring outside resources in (books, newspaper clipping, etc) I have entered a password to lock my computer (that was hard!) I will let my "friends" here at PC know how things went (especially difficult to share).

[kimmydawn]

Thanks for letting us know and much luck to you.

This has nothing to do with the topic, but I love the saying in your siggie. I've never read that and think it so true in many instances.

kd

[gurlbballgurl]

I hope that everything goes well with you tomorrow

[Rhapsody]

(((((((( HUGS )))))))) ~ ~ ~ ~ ((((((( HUGS )))))

I am sorry that this has happened to you and your daughter, but it is better that you found out about it now and not later.... please keep in mind that an open line to the computer and the Internet should never be allowed with children in the house - please make sure that only you know the password to log onto the computer and that you NEVER leave you account open for them to have access too.



LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[Rhapsody]

P.S.

May this link help you with understanding Internet Safety with Kids.

LINK: http://www.focusonyourchild.com/hottopics/A0001282.cfm

[desirae]

This is a difficult situation, but I think it's essential that you look at that message before your T appointment. It may shock you and you may need to talk about and get some advice. I also think it's important you know what she had said, and where she had learn that sort of stuff from. She may have learned it from the computer, being in chat rooms, and IM's. I wouldn't be freaked because if you think about it, kids see sex everywhere on T.V, from their peers, books,....anywhere. When I was 10 I knew alot more then I probably should have. I hope this all goes well and you can sit and talk to your daughter about what had happened.

Please take a minute to relax and please take time to remember children now days are more aware in general from when we were kids. since t hey are growing up in the computer age unlike many of us. anyone over the age of 20 computers were coming in to residential (home instead of for offices)settings when we were already adults so computer classes and computer safety and awareness was not a part of our normal school corriculum and or information. Children in schools are being taught to look out for those cyber preditors out for cyber action of convincing them to meet with them. so its only natural that one of the few times the child manages to get on line unsupervised they imitate the behavior they are warned about just to see what would happen. With my age group it was doing smoke so what did everyone try at least once to see what the big deal was - snitch a cigarette and find a place to try it.

These days 10 year olds are getting their monthlies and going to movies with their friends calling it dating. todays ten year olds have sex education classes and so on as a part of the health and physical education corriculum because their bodys do mature so much faster then kids used to when we were all kids. So Be prepared you are going to see on the saved stuff things that didn't go on when you were 10 years old.

If this was me I would take a minute to relax and then print off the saved stuff and take it to therapy with me if I could not trust myself with discussing it with my child yet.

when I was ready and in control so I would not scare my child by over reacting I would sit him down and explain that the behavior that was done on the computer of looking for cyber action was not what you would consider good computer behaviour and because of that you will now have the parental code and a timer (most internet access now has settings so that parents can limit when and how long and what sites the children can visit on line.)and from now on when you are not on line the computer will be locked. (there are alot of free securty programs that the person has to log on to the computer with a user name and password in order to use it. I have mine set up that way because I take care of children from time to time and they all know how to get on line. so I "lock it down" when I am not in the room and or close enough to monitor whats going on.

[sniffles]

i hope things go ok hun. i agree with the way youre handling this situation. its good that youre going to talk with your daughter.
sniffles

[alisandria]

((my))) sorry you are going through this, hope with the help of your T you can get through this!!!

hugs Lisa

[Milanist]

Hi, im well between worlds, i mean im not an adult (or maby i am but i dont consider myself one yet ) im 21, and well i know what children today are like!

They are more advanced (even in their sexual interest) than most parents think, especially when it comes to your own children!

She is your daughter and well its allarming to you, i understand this, but do not make it the end of your world. i mean she needs to be disiplined, but by your words you sound panicked and you shouldnt be!

Talk to her, remember if you argue with her then your just pushing her away! if she thinks she's old enough to look for such things then she's old enough to talk to you about it! Its even easyer (in away) because its between two females, its harder when your talking to your son about sex!

She is still a child true but she is growing up so dont treat her like a baby, show her that its not only wrong but also dangerous (and illegal)!

Comunication is the key, and remember take control of the situation do not panic just talk to her and remember what you would be feeling if you were in her situation! Its embaresing but you need to do it! Make it a healty conversation! good luck!

[MyBestKids2]

I am back from my T appointment. He was distraught and worried, but not as much as I have been. He suggested everything you all did. T reminded me she is a child and her comments in the IM were very childish. She was not trying to be older. Then I called our school psycholologist and spoke with her. Her first thought is "Dee, maybe she is looking for someone for you" And I was like BANG thats it...I remember a couple months ago, we had come home from an outing. I had a confirmation email from a dating service that I never signed up for. I took the link and researched my profile. My daughter had "signed" me up, made me 5 years younger and "pretty, kind, nice, with 2 good kids". I never said anything to her (I know, I should have). It kinda made me teary eyed, knowing she cares. I just deleted my profile. Afte reviewing her IM with my friend (1,000+times), she asked him how old he is., does he like bicycling, and stated "I think I kinda like you". It all makes mores sense now. She will receive a very stern *but loving* lecture. I will advise her of all the dangers. I have locked and password protected all the accounts on the computer. I have deleted the Yahoo IM program. Anything else guys? Thanks so much for being her for me. I hope I will one day be able to do the same for you!

(((((all at PC)))))))))

[sniffles]

I think you've done well to do what you have done. It isn't easy being a parent when dealing with these sorts of situations with your own children, but I think you're doing a fine job. Keep up the good work hun, and I'm sure things will go smoothly.
sniffles

[kimmydawn]

So well done!!! What a hands-on, great handling of this "sticky" childhood situation!!!

Thanks so much for keeping us updated.

KD

[Perna]

I'm so glad it ended in a "happy" fashion, with your daughter just trying to "help" you out. I don't know how well you know the guy she chatted with but maybe the two of you (you and your daughter) could chat together with him and he could "meet" her as herself and let her know she wasn't "bad" just that it wasn't a good idea, kind of reinforce your message but so she has closure and doesn't think he was "bad" too just because children chatting online is a bad idea in general? That way the two of you could get across the message that she doesn't "know" him and had no way to tell anything about him since she hadn't ever talked to him before. Would be a good object lesson for her later/adult use of computers and the two of you might be able to teach her a bit on how to judge whether a person is "worthy" of chatting with.