My doctor thinks he is a comedian.

When I started seeing my PCP, an MD, his attempts at humor struck me as a sign of warmth. I liked him a lot. Now, almost 3 years later, I am weary of his humor.

Here is the latest. My S/O, who is elderly and 18 years older than me, is in failing health. It is very sad, as he is losing his ability to walk. He is not terminally ill, but it's unlikely that he will live many more years. Actually, it will be sadder, if he does. He is very frail, increasingly disabled, and in chronic pain. He's brave about all this and not inclined to complain. I'm heart-broken for him . . . and for myself. Though we don't live together, we've been a couple for almost 30 years.

My doctor was making cracks about what life might hold for me after he's gone. "You might meet a Prince Charming." "Maybe you should get a younger man next time." I'm not really thinking about any "next time." I'm not young myself. I'm not yearning to replace my friend. I grieve for what I've already lost and expect to grieve a lot more, as my friend's continuing illness unfolds.

People lose partners all the time. It's part of life. I expect I'll cope. I wasn't looking for sympathy from my doctor. Still, I didn't expect the flippancy that he showed. Today, I've cried, thinking about the remarks made yesterday by the doctor. I want to tell him not to joke about my life anymore.

I wonder what it is about me that evokes this kind of disrespect for my feelings. He has seemed like such a capable doctor. He knows I suffer from depression. I think this is his way of trying to make me "lighten up." It doesn't seem appropriate to me.

I am very disturbed by the way my doctors speak to me. Both my psychiatrist and this PCP have commented about how I seem so much less depressed. I'm not less depressed. I've just given up confiding in either one of them. I keep my appointments just to get the prescriptions that I need. I dread seeing them.

In the fall, I will be eligible for Medicare. Then I can go elsewhere for my healthcare. Yesterday, I left the doctor's office very dispirited. I want to say something about how this affected me, but I'm afraid. He will probably just get defensive and say I take things the wrong way. So I'll say nothing. In the past, I've wished that I would not be alone with either of my doctors, but I don't have someone that I can take with me.

I'm very depressed and have no one that I trust to talk to. I feel very sad.

I agree that it was clumsy, thoughtless, tactless and all that. I don't think he meant to be disrespectful. I think he just lacks judgement and tact and doesn't realize how callous it sounded. I may be giving him the benefit of the doubt.
Bottom line is... just because he said it doesn't mean it matters.

i'm sorry your doctor responded that way ... i think (and would hope) that he was trying to encourage you by lightening things up as you mentioned; but it was actually tactless and very hurtful, as well as being inappropriate. I've worked with someone like that who has a great sense of humour which has helped me in the past but occasionally I've really been stung by it when I needed understanding and comfort instead ... as you do in relation to your friend Are you able to talk about these things with your S/O at all?

Thank you for the hugs, all. I've been crying all day.

I think part of my problem is that I make things matter a lot more than they should. This is a bad tendency of mine. I need to put hurtful experiences in the past and move on.

After doing my friend's grocery shopping for him, yesterday, I came home to my own empty refrigerator and pantry. I should go to the store and get some groceries for myself. I've been awfully depressed. I've just wanted to sleep. I've eaten little today, and I don't seem to care. I wish it were I who was coming to the end of life.

Thank you,tigergirl. I appreciate the affirmation. No, I've not talked about it with my S/O. He always thinks I make big deals out of nothings. Compared to him, I suppose I do. He's very brave about his burden of illness. He never wants to hear about me being depressed. In a way, I admire him. On the other hand, he never seems to think about this situation being hard on me. He thanks me for what I do. I wish that he would, once in awhile, say, "This must be hard on you." He would never think of that. My problems are always small compared to his problems.

Thank you, George. It means a lot.

I think a lot of us give too much meaning or significance to things sometimes but that doesn't mean that it doesn't mean something. At least you saw it... he is never even going to know how bad it sounded. I'm guessing there is something else or that you're looking at too much of the picture right now.
I hope tomorrow is a better day for you

I know it isn't the same at all....

but maybe you could (for the moment) take the words and believe them Rose?

This must be hard on you .....

I believe it is for you



...... it also didn't sound like nothing to me ....... more like, you are having a really hard time ... and wanted some support and instead received some unsupportive words

Thanks for understanding. I'm glad I posted this.

Rose, I don't think you are making a "big deal" out of it. What the doctor said hurt you. IMHO, it was also inappropriate. Are you able to tell him how it made you feel? It could be that he hoestly was trying to be helpful. How can he know he wasn't if you don't tell him?

I think it is sad and worth crying about. The doctor reminded you not just of your partner's path but of his own; you'll be changing doctors too when you get Medicare and having to start all over breaking a new one in. If I'd been there and thought of it (both, impossible :-) I would have hit him with a sarcastic comeback; "Yeah, and maybe my next doctor will be Marcus Welby".

Hey, Perna: That's a good one. I wish I was quick enough to think of stuff like that. Maybe I'll use it the next time. I feel better just imagining saying that.

Thank you, Lizardlady. I've found that doctors are never wrong in there own minds.

Thanks, everyone. I am feeling so low today. It can't be just over what the doctor said. I'm so depressed and I can't even talk about it with my doctors.

I suggest, if you don't want to say something directly to him, when you leave the practice, you send a letter to him, with a copy to the practice overseer(who this is depends, a hospital ceo or a financial officer or office manager there) --or without a copy, just to him-- to tell him how you felt, from the start of liking the humor to the point of it feeling inappropriate/dismissive. He may not have a clue, and he might even benefit from the feedback. (I did this once after a dentist humiliated my then 12yo son....and the response was much more (in a good way) than I had expected) We are all human, and can only try---he probably has the same effect on others----and the initial 'warmth' that then becomes dismissive may be confusing (so he will dismiss the latter and look for the former)==as a nurse, I also find many doctors do not deal well with death/illness up close, as they have been taught to Heal, not to be caregivers in the basic sense of the word...

Thanks, winter. Dismissive is exactly how it felt.

I think we expect doctors to be better than people at large. That's probably expecting too much. It has seemed to me, since I've been seeing doctors for depression, that they tend to be less understanding than just about anyone else would be.

Their job, mainly, is to write prescriptions. It's vain to expect anything more.

My doctor teaches at the local medical school. That's probably a lot more interesting to him than his work in the clinic. Where I get my health care is a teaching hospital. I think patients are just "grist for the mill." The doctors and residents are probably more interested in their interactions with each other than with me. That's another reason why I want to get back to a regular doctor's office for my care. Where I go does not take calls after hours (or even during hours.) At night, all I can do is go to the emergency room. I think that makes the docs less invested in the patients.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. Makes me wonder what kind of view he has of life and if he has any meaningful relationships at all. Yes maybe changing to the regular doc office is for the best. Yes, maybe you can't expect a doctor to go out of his way to make you feel better but you can expect someone with professional manners. Someone who doesn't make offensive and tasteless remarks and masks them as a joke.

I think your perception re: teaching hospitals is probably on target (great to work in for the professional seeking stimulation, intellectual discussions, interesting "case studies", but not so great for the studied) ...some exceptions, individually, I'm sure. Take care Rose76 (HUG)

Thank you, winter. I am very depressed and I am desperate for help to recover. I gave up on the doctors. I gave up on the psych facility where I get seen. I decided it was just up to me and I would just have to get myself better. I am failing and getting worse.

I am grateful for the understanding shown to me by all of you.

Big, big hugs to you and your boyfriend both. And much healing energy to him. My heart goes out to both of you and I will hold space for you over here in my tiny corner of the world for when you're not feeling strong enough to take up your own.

I can relate except that I haven't been seeing this doctor for 13 years! So there's not much of a relationship. Only have met him 4 times, a primary care doctor. But last visit, when I went begging for him to continue an SSRI prescribed by the crisis centre for severe depression, he told me a joke about suicide. I was so shocked. I don't have many options, being uninsured & unemployed, but I don't wish to see this doctor again. Easier for me since there's no previous relationship there. I understand that we all say stupid stuff, not thinking, not knowing other people's sensitivities etc. Just have to accept that. I appear insensitive, too on occasion. But I can also practically try to switch to another dr., if that's possible.

Hi gracez. It's hard for me not to believe that these doctors are mocking us on some level. We give them the benefit of the doubt, and maybe they don't deserve it. I guess because they hear these woes from so many people that they just get hardened up.

I would encourage you to try another doctor soon. My tendency has always been to hang in there and figure it's me who is unreasonable. Now I think that, for years, I have put up with lots that I should have objected too. With no money and no insurance, I go to a public clinic that I feel lucky to have. I feel like I am on the dole and have to accept whatever treatment is handed to me.

I am sorry to read about your significant other's failing health. I am also sorry to read your doctors are disrespecting you. I have experienced similar disrespect. I hope your depression gets better; I have depression and know how hard it can be to manage.

Rose...I'm sorry this happened to you with the doctor. Also, sorry to hear of your partner's failing health. He is lucky to have you in his life!

Would you be better off at this time just refraining from visiting this doctor altogether? I am thinking so! You are not at fault in any way, so there is no need to "hang in there." I've been in similar situations with counselors who were insensitive. Like you say, they can become "hardened," but that is their problem, not yours.

You seem to be very centered, Rose. Take some time to assess how valuable it is for you to continue seeing this doctor who has upset you so.
Patty

Thanks, IceCreamKid, it helps to hear from others who understand.

seeker, I have been avoiding my doctors. I just keep appointments to get the prescriptions that I need. I see my PCP as seldom as that allows. He is giving me scripts for Vicodin, which I use about 3x per week. Pain issues have been getting worse for me. In this day, it is not always easy to get doctors to order strong pain killers on an on-going basis. I feel I have to treasure my connection with a doctor who does.

Thanks for the counsel. I agree that it's good to minimize exposure to hurtful treatment. (Don't they take an oath that starts with "First, do no harm.") I just have to balance things out as best I can. In the fall, I will get Medicare. I hope to move back to a provider I had in the past when I get that. Of course, it will depend if that MD is accepting patients. In any case, I'm fairly sure that I will get away from this system I am involved with now. It's a teaching hospital system that serves the low-incomers of my area.

I think your doctor is a clot. His insensitivity is very hurtful. You may be spending time helping your S/O but who is helping you? Maybe you could use half your time with your S/O and get his family to help out too? Then you could find time for yourself to rest and do the things you need to.

Roll on the fall when you can see other doctors and maybe be able to tell them the reality of how things are for you.