[desirae]

I live in an apartment complex for poor people, it's based on your income and the majority of the people don't have a job, go to school, and most live on social assistant checks. Well my husband does work so we do have money and a car, and we always have cigarettes and stuff. Well one day I bought a pack of cigarettes for two seperate neighbors, just trying to be nice, and I gave a ride to another that needed to get milk and bread for her kids. Ever since then I've had neighbors come over here everyday, some send their kids and I'm not even sure of who they are, and ask me for cigarettes and rides. I've pulled down my blinds and locked my doors hoping people would stop coming over here asking me for stuff. I'm mad because my kindness of course is being abused and used. It seems that happens to me all the time, my Mom does it, and now the ghetto people I live with are doing it. I do live here too, and I am poor as well.......do they think I'm rich or something? I don't get it. Most of these people are capable of working they need to get a job and get their own money and leave me alone......it ain't right that they use me. I cn't say no, instead I'm going to have to stay inside for the next couple days and avoid everyone, doesn't seem fair but I guess I have to.

Hi Des,
Cant you just say that you're tapped out. With the rise in gas prices and a "medical emergency" you cannot afford to give out anymore-sorry?
You're a very kind person. Unfortuneately some people see that as a weakness and something to be taken advantage of.
You learned the hard way. I hope this blows over for you soon.
((((((((Desirae))))))))))

[desirae]

That's exactly what it s, a weakness, I'm also unable to say no to my crack addicted Mom too. I wish I was more like my husband when it came to that sort of stuff. He's a nice guy, and he'll help when he can, but he will say no when he feels he's being used and abused.

I've been learning the hardway for awhile now, how do I stop the madness!?!

[jbug]

Desirae....I so know the feeling. I just moved into a HUD approved apartment complex and there is this guy that lives 3 apartments down from me. One of the first nights I was there he knocked on my door @ 10:30 at night and asked me I would take him to his car. I said no because it was down in a really bad part of town and I was scared he'd hurt me. He came the next morning as I was getting into my car and said well its daytime now and I'll give you some money if you take me. Again I said no because I was going out to my parents house. The guy freaks me out. I don't have an answer for you but just wanted you to know you aren't the only one.

Jbug

[desirae]

That's where I live, in HUD complex, and everybody here is poor as dirt. We do okay because my husband works, and is slowly moving up in the company. All the people here are amazed that I havea computer, phone, and internet access....plus a car, they think I'm high living. They see that and think I have money or something, I don't know. I regret ever talking to any of them, and being nice to any of them.....see what lonliness causes...desperation!

[darkeyes]

I agree with Jax.
I use to always offer my help to people,former neighbors, where I use to live,then saw I was being used.
It hurts to have to say "no",but maybe gradually you can do this,and Jax made a good point,especially the rising cost of gas,amongst the other things that are putting a crunch on people's income(s).
The only person,I presently haven't been able to say "no" to is my mom,due to her poor health,dementia and other handicaps,but this too is getting out of control.
She is becoming too dependent (or lazy to use seniour transport system) and I am feeling so overwhelmed it's just unreal.
I need to learn to say "no" to many of her needs that she is still capable of doing herself,but I'm a sucker.
All I can say is to try it gradually,saying "no" to these people,I found the more I couldn't keep doing favors the less they started to ask of me,it helped.
If they start to whine that they can't afford this and that,tell them you are in a similar or same situation.
Heck,why should you have to be their support/transit system? You have your own life and struggles,they need to realize this and if they can't,totally avoid them as much as possible. Don't imprison yourself,cause of them.
Please take care of yourself,
DE

[desirae]

Thanks, I agree that it's gone to far, and I shouldn't have to hide or avoid them. I just need the strength and bravery to say, Hey, I'm poor too fools. I feel like a sucker as well with my Mom. She's a junkie and has the most creative ways of manipulating me and making me feel bad for her, although she put herself in the situation she is in. I'm just going to have to grow some balls and put my foot down, if worse comes to worse I'll just have my husband do it for me.....but still that does nothing for my character.

[Sabrina]

My heart really goes out to you.

You are such a good and kind person, always wanting to help everyone. You deserve the very best.

[desirae]

Thanks alot Sabrina

[seeker1950]

Des, hun, you're a softie, like me, but you can't afford to give handouts to these neighbors.
Yes, there are people who are poor because of unfortunate life circumstances, but there are also the people who CHOOSE not to work and to live off the kindness of others. You live in an area where you will encounter both, I'm sure, but in either case, your first responsibility is to yourself and your husband.
I'm going to PM you.
Love,
Patty

lets just not be judgemental though.. i mean.. we don't know their circumstances. They might thing you are the "poor people."

[sabby]

One thing to remember....these folks figured out ways to get where they needed to go before you stepped into the picture. Telling them "no" doesn't mean that you are making their lives more difficult than they already are, so they will just have to figure out another way to get where they need to go. As for bumming cigs, etc...tell them you quit smoking...that will get them off your back *wink* Hang in there....it's hard to say no in the beginning, but it does get easier with practice!

[kimmydawn]

I dealt with not being able to say no when younger...the "give till it hurts"? Yes, that was me.

I started realizing though that I wasn't the only one giving... Each thing I gave, from time to money to food, was taking from my own family. I was able to limit due to that. My kids not have everything they want to eat at the end of the week because I may have given away to someone what could've been gotten from another source? NOPE! Me buying another pack of cigs out of the grocery money because I'd given too many away? NOPE. My being everyone's "shoulder" and having little left for my own? NOPE.

It stopped when I realized that, as a mother, my actions ALWAYS affect more than just me.

Maybe that will help you to stand your ground, des. There is a balance. You'll find it. Do I still give? Of course, every day in some way...

Be safe and good luck

KD

[hillbunnyb]

boundaries are hard to set, but once they have been laid, the picture becomes more manageable. "Sorry, nope, can't, no extras, etc." become easier to say with practice.

One way to look at it, they have the "nerve" to ask, you can have the "nerve" to say no. Or, even, ask, "Why do you think I have extra?", so you could bring up the fact your scene is no bowl of cherries, ya know? Knock them off their assumptions.

It's really hard to be an adult and take care of this interpersonal stuff. I couldn't survive public housing vibes. Too many desperate people. Desperate people do not think clearly, they are always kinda "limbic" and feral and looking to fill their burden of needs. No judgement, just fact.

In that sense, setting your boundaries will be a form of training others in how to behave toward you. (Your Mom included.) Like in training any animal, you must be consistant. Always :alpha" and ready to snap and growl and defend your turf. The funny thing is, after you do put the word out as to your limits, people will have more respect for you.

Hard cake to bake for a sweetie like you. You almost have to create a persona to do this kind of face to face boundary setting. Des the Defender of Home and Family. (What color cape sould you like to go with your magic larriat that makes people tell the truth?)

HARD HARD HARD but, you can do it.

[Zorah]

Hey people,

We can't work out how to say "no" to them either, and we don't even have food.

Does anyone know why we can't say "no" ???

[kimmydawn]

Because we've been there (((((((((((((((zorah)))))))))))))))))
and we care. It's hard.

KD

[jennie]

Giving from the heart is a complicated matter.

Why do people give to others? Most people give to others to help others.

Some people confuse enabling with helping others.

What is enabling behavior? Enabling involves rescuing behavior. Enabling is when a person rescues another ADULT from the consequences of his/her own behavior.

In other words, enabling allows an adult to be stuck in his/her situation. Enabling encourages laziness. It encourages the status quo.

What is helping others? Helping is assisting others do something they are unable to do for themselves.

I have a habit of enabling people. It's hard for me to say "no." I'm doing better though. I try to stop and think to myself before giving, "Why isn't this adult doing this for his/her own self?" Sometimes that stops me from giving, sometimes it doesn't.

I always hope to be an example to other people (through giving), but my intentions don't always come to fruition. This is why I wrote above that giving from the heart is a complicated matter.

Giving takes wisdom. I sincerely believe that teaching others to do a task is more effective giving than doing the task for that person. My time and resources are valuable and can go farther helping others (and me and my family) if I don't let myself enable others.

desirae, your time and resources are more valuable, too! (((((((you)))))))

[hillbunnyb]

(I can talk it up way bigger than I can "do" it....)

[Perna]

One think I forget is that all these different people have no idea that all the others are asking you too. I have an extremely tall stepson and he gets a zillion stares and questions all day becuase no one stops to think about manners or that others are making lame jokes about "how's the weather up there" as well.

Were I you, I'd put a sign of some sort on my door (even have your husband write/sign it?) not hide or anything and memorize a generic line, "I'm sorry, no" and keep on with whatever you are doing. Treat doorbells and knocks on the door like you would the phone; you don't have to answer and you don't have to be ashamed of not! Limit the time with your mother and if she gets to asking for money or something you don't want to give her, get angry/remember your resentment that she's not acting like a mother. Come up with a line for her too, "I'm not your mother and I will not discuss this subject any more with you, if you insist on continuing to abuse me you will have to leave, now!" and follow through if she keeps it up.

[JustAPixie]

What is it with people? You offer them a drop and they suck you dry! It must be hard living in those conditions! I think they all fight for any little relief they can find and they don't always realize how hard it is on you!