[JustAPixie]

I don't know if this is the roght forum to post this, so feel free to move it.

I read the other day (actually a long time ago) that it is far worse for men who suffer from abuse or mental illnesses. Is this true? And why? Is it the male macho thing that they always want to be the strong leader in life? Or is it that men don't tend to seek help as often as women do? I was just curious...

[Rhapsody]

I would say that it is mainly because a lot of MEN, but not all, do not / will not seek counseling.... and not so much due to a macho male thing, but more from the way they are made from the inside out.... they are born problem solvers, therefore, they tend to try and fix the problem them self.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[alisandria]

I never heard that.

[Rhapsody]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
alisandria said:
I never heard that.

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">


(((((( HUGS ))))))) - That is why is GREAT to learn about the opposite sex from their side of the fence and not from our side of the fence.... if we understand them then we can better love & support them, as they need and not as we think.


LoVe,
Rhapsody -

[acrooney]

Hi Tanyagrave,

Men are conditioned from birth against verbalising these things, but men also - I've never been a woman so this is unsubstantiated! - tend to encounter a certain level of systematic abuse. At school, in the military and even, disturbingly, in the workplace. My hugely presumptious theory then is that we have "thicker skins" than women.

We also tend to convert feelings into anger more readily than women - so the reaction to the abuse will present in a different way.

So no, as a man, I don't believe it is worse for a man.

Other men may disagree though :-)

[hummer]

I don't know if it is worse.......everything is relative.....but I have always thought men got the short end of the stick when society doesn't really gift men with the freedom to cry.......

As a woman.....I have used tears for a natural release more times than I can count......I have seen my husband cry twice.......

Men are wired to be the providers.....what if they can't....I had a therapist tell me that men veiw their success in the world by how well they provide for their family.....

One thing I know from studying the brain.....men and women are really, really, wired very differently.....that could be part of why they say it is more difficult.....we find comfort in different things......

It is women who create the essence, or community, of family....keep it going.....we are nest builders.....we draw strength from that.....not saying that men can't do that too, but it is not really the way they are hard wired......

The sexes each have different abilities that come into play, in how their minds function.....my personal opinion is that woman are more able to cope with things emotionally than men......I think we have more coping options.....within our own minds.....than men......

I know my husband holds onto things......instead of talking about them.....that makes it kind of hard to let go.....he keeps them in, until he can't handle it anymore and then.....boom.....there is an explosion......

I am glad I am a woman..........

Blessings to us all........
Hummer

[DaveyJones]

I think what hummer says about being the provider is right on...when I realized that I was not going to be able to be the provider anymore was one of the hardest days of my life.

Also, I think maybe men are less in touch with their feelings in some ways...for instance, when I first began to feel bad, I knew something wasn't right. My wife and I were in marriage counseling at the time. When I described my feelings to our therapist she said, "You're depressed!" It hit me like a bomb--"Duh, why didn't I think of that" I thought. It is still hard for me to figure out what I'm feeling, though I'm getting better. I think maybe we are taught to ignore our feelings and keep moving on.

[Bethsway]

I think both of those reasons Tanya...and also because they have always been taught to be the one in charge of the family...It must truly bring a man down making him feel so helpless!!!

[JustAPixie]

I asked because my fincée also suffered some form of abuse when he was little, but he refuses to seek help and I can see it still bothers him. How do you go about helping someone who doesn't want to admit anything is wrong? Should I force him or push him to deal with the issue or should I just leave it. I know I should wait for when he is ready, but what if he never is? Would that make me a bad person for ignoring it too?

I used to vollunteer for a rape crisis center and no matter the gender all survivors had problems with flashbacks nightmares and so on and none per person was considered worse by gender then another. every person in general regardless of gender race, religion and so on has their own tollorance level. one female may not have the same problem as another female, one male may not have the same problem as another male the same goes for dividing that problem up by any other catagory of gender and so on. each individual case is desided on what that one person can handle and what they think about themselves is worse for them from before the attack vs for them after they have been attacked or abused. Every persons abuse counts and no ones situation is worse then another persons. statistically one in four males are sexually abused at some point in their lives and one in three females are sexually abused at some point in their lives but in crisis centers we considered each individual person and their problems as individual based on what they themselves consider worse for them before the attack vs after the attack. Even in the support and therapy groups they all regardless of macho attitudes did not consider each others situations worse or better then their own regardless of gender, race and so on. every survivor in the room considered each persons abuse as important as their own. it was actually one area where they were all on equal ground so to speak.

[hummer]

Dear TanyaGrave.......
Because of my brain injury, and memory loss....I have been to a lot of therapy.....different kinds.....3 times a week for 5 years at least.......

I remember one therapist saying.....it doesn't work if you do not participate......

There were times that my husband went, also.....that was often upsetting, because my husband would not be truthful to the therapist.....he didn't want to examine himself too closely, either......

You can't make someone go to therapy if they don't want to......

BUT............You can go to therapy and address how these things affect you.....and learn the responses to make when issues arrive that can help the both of you......does that make sense.....

My sister had a lot of trouble with her sons....they would not participate in the therapy, but I kept insisting that she go for her.....she changed, which in turn caused changes in her family......

My husband suffered from depression for a few years.....it was horrible....he would not go to a doctor, and he would not take any medications......

I researched everything I could about depression and how it works in the brain.....set him up with the FACTS.....I spoke with his doctor.....who was also a personal friend of his.....my husband would not take medications, but did take homeopathics.....I stood over him and made him take them......

I wished I would have done it sooner.....

I feel for you and your friend......it is that saying, " You can lead a horse to water, but you can't make him drink.".......maybe by going to therapy your Self, about these issures....they can give you tools to help your friend, help himself......along with making things easier on you......at least 'your horse' would have the bucket of water standing about if he got thirsty....

I used to take my husbands anger to heart until I learned it really wasn't about me at all.....my therapist gave me tools to help we respond when things got too much for me....

She even made me write responses on a piece of paper and carry them around in my pocket....because my brain for a long time didn't remember things very well.......

I am sendng a breath......filled with prayer to you and yours.......

Hummer

[JustAPixie]

Thank you hummer. What you wrote did make a lot of sense and gave me some hope. I am so sorry that life has treated you so wrong! You are a great person.

[Odd_Fred]

Guess it all depends what side of the 'fence' you want to be on.

I was molested at age 10, raped by friend at 22. I don't consider my self to be suffering. I'm sure many men are in that 'macho' mode thing.

I never sought help, didn't really think it was a big deal. Who really knows. Give me one who says yes, I'll show another who say otherwise.

Fred