Highly functional in the real world yet simultaneously really wounded. Anyone else?

The more I delve into "stuff" the more revelations and observations I make. One is this -- I feel like, based upon everything that happened to me, I should be a completely dysfunctional mess, probably not capable of doing much of anything. I guess maybe it's because I'm stronger all around than I admit to myself, but I'm perfectly "real world" functional -- educated, white collar career, own a home, financially, cut my grass, vote, that sort of thing. I've never had any substance abuse issues, any legal problems of any kind (in fact, my sole "brush with the law" was a traffic ticket for going 32 in a 25 zone, and that I found traumatic).

That is the public persona. In private, I'm a mess - nervous, sad, angry, bitter. I tend to bottle it up, and turn it against myself. The tape in my head for years was "you're scum, you're worthless." And, I always felt like the public persona was a total fraud. If I got something right or did something well, it was just "dumb luck" and I couldn't ever tolerate praise or "good job" comments. If I screwed up, though, that was just confirmation of the fact I was the scum of the earth and a waste of perfectly good oxygen.

I was thinking about that this morning while on one of my desensitization trips around town. I don't know why, because I have known this for years, but I had an "oh, yeah, that's why" moment. Because, my upbringing was full of this hypocrisy. My father insisted that he have "the perfect family" to show to the outside world. And, as soon as the doors were all locked and the curtains drawn, all Hell broke loose and it was back to the North Korean Gulag.

When I had my "crisis" last year, that was the ultimate along these lines. I managed to cover it up, for the most part, in an operation worthy of the CIA or the Nixon Whitehouse. Almost no one in "real life" knows what happened, I was able to explain away or just plain hide other circumstances. I was lucky, frankly, in some ways -- for example, 3 weeks in the day hospital program, my boss obviously knew something was up, told him it was medical but too painful to talk about, and I was able to cover myself by working some evenings after the day program to keep up with case files and court filings. Family didn't know because it was same hours as going to work, and I just told them I had to put in some OT because of workload. Of course, they knew something big was up, but in the end blew it off as a "midlife crisis" - a conclusion I was happy to run with. I can't begin to express how much I want to hide my mental health history/issues from the world. That is my first priority.

Anyone else feel like this, like they are fighting hard to keep their heads above water and prevent the world from ever finding out they are anything less than 110 % "Normal"?

Hi MJ-

A few years ago I went to a pdoc, whom after listening to my issues remarked "You are a high functioning Depressive and have been for many years". Which was true...I am well educated and have a good job. For years no one would have known what a mess I was. I lived in a major US city, went out w/ my work friends, dated some MDs and attys. But eventually I had a breakdown and could no longer function. Or maybe I gave up.

Unfortunately, based on my experience, your experience is more common than you may know, because everybody like you is trying to hide their mental health issues, too. And again, based on my experience in today’s world, that may not be such a bad idea.

I had an eating disorder as a teenager 50 years ago and was inpatient hospitalized for that, so the fact that I had mental health issues was not hidden. Instead, my family and I made a virtue of being honest about it – that was in the 1960’s and “worked” in those days.

I recovered from the eating disorder, went to college, started a career, got married, had 2 children, focused on them while working part-time. Went to counselors off and on for depression but looked and functioned apparently normal. 14 years ago my husband died and after 3 years of looking for help while spiraling down, I crashed.

At that point my “outside” matched my inside – a wreck. Unfortunately, I did not find much help in the MH system, even the private insurance route. Tried support groups, they helped some. After staying away from therapy for two years, I went back to trying to find some help, some something that might help, but it’s been very difficult.

It has been so miserable and seemingly impossible for me over the last 11 years especially that I don’t want ANYBODY to have to do that again, although I expect that will continue to happen until we get more effective ways to handle and “correct” this kind of thing. There’s some good literature out there, which you are probably familiar with, about “narcissistic” families and the “false self”. But that just presents things intellectually, at least it did for me.

Fortunately, I’ve been with a trauma specialist therapist for 3 years now and am making good progress. But I educated myself extensively about “the self” and (horrors!) personality disorders, and having my own intellect to help observe what is going on in therapy has helped. The attitude you expressed in a previous post, seeing and finding a therapist and a pdoc who respect you and are willing to work with you as a partner – that may take you a long way, too.

Thank you both for the replies. It's like, really, can you believe how much this stinks? It's not the " picture" of life that was painted for me years ago - the image was work hard, live right, reap the rewards. I didn't see a trip to the psyche ward anywhere in there. I wonder just how common this really is? I bet if we only knew .... I live in a really upscale suburb, 1-2-3 millon dollar houses, everyone drives Caddies and Mercedes and Lexus, travels, yada yada yada. "Perfect lives" - probably just a bunch of people covering like me. Maybe "going to Florida" is code for "inpatient for 3 weeks", who knows?

Anyway, when I read what I wrote, it struck me as really sad that I write that the cover -up is the first priority. Recovery should be my highest priority. I didn't ask for this firestorm to rain down on me, I've always been a good guy, just wounded, and I deserve so much better than this. I could easily have been the monster my father was if I had let it consume me in that way, and I worked so hard to be the total opposite, and I can feel good about that. But, all along this trip through mental health land, it seems like no one I encounter thinks the bar should be set all that high. I totally disagree, set the bar higher and higher, because I want the life that was stolen from me. I want it back, and I guess if I want it I have to take it back. I am doing these weird bike trips at night around town, intentionally spooking myself by recreating last year's nightmare. And, I'm pretty convinced God is having the best time messing with me, because things happen, like the exact same song I was listening to one night a year ago, walking down a street sobbing my eyes out, came up in the random shuffle of some almost 5000 songs. Exact same one. Really God? That gave me a chuckle. At least He has the same dark sense of humor I do.

I've definitely got the public me and the private me. Sometimes they're the same person. But not very often!

I'm also very highly functional - no one would know that I had bipolar 2 unless I choose to tell them. I've got really good self-management skills, because like you, my family was pretty much ran like a business - perfect appearance but was a wreck in private!

I'm a pro at hiding my realllly low self-esteem. And I don't express it when I'm upset with someone... I just keep it inside.

Is any of that healthy? Most of it no. But the bipolar management is a good one and I probably only learned how to manage it through my effed up family life where I did NOT want to stand out at all.

You're definitely not alone

reading your post, i could have written that myself . i call it the duck syndrome because everything looks calm and ok above the surface but underneath i am paddling away like mad trying to keep afloat! i think it comes from having a family where you are programmed to keep what happens at home at home. one of the draw backs of abusive parents i suppose.
i too am pretty functional... well the brain is, body is slowly giving up though, but like you was able to hide a lot of things until i really broke down and my legs gave up the fight to keep working, 7 weeks inpatient and not being able to walk are a bit hard for people to not notice!
now i have a great network of friends whom all know a little about me but none know all the facts. they know i can't walk, some know i had a breakdown, some don't, but none know much if anything about my daily struggles etc because when i am not ok they don't see me as i stay in my home. i cover it by 'needing a duvet day to rest my bum' which is acceptable for a non walker, and using the time to answer emails etc for work. people who read my posts on this site probably know the most about me as i try to keep my personal stuff just that around others geologically close to me.

Yeah, well, I guess I'm really in the thick of it now. Blew off my am exercise group for the first time ever. Made that last post from a gas station parking lot, then called in to work and took the day off. Now I'm God know's where somewhere half way between Detroit and Ohio. I'm declaring this an official mental health day.

Today is the anniversary of the day I was thrown in jail - 3:00 walked into a psychiatrist's office thinking I had made a good decision to deal with my problems. Left an hour later devastated, feeling like the most dangerous sociopath since Jared Loughner, and condemned to the psych ward. And truly suicidal. Two days later, I was such a mess, left work at noon, said see you in an hour, then drove to Ohio, then turned around a drove up to Saginaw. 7 hours layer stopped by a deserted office complex to pick up my stuff, then went home, cried a couple of hours, then went out for that all night walk in the moonlight.

Oh, final irony, that song I was listening to a year ago, which popped up this morning by random chance, "Unwell" by Matchbox 20 - theme, mental illness.

I listened to that song a LOOOOOOOOT when it was newer because I related to it so much!

And, welcome to The City of Toledo, Lucas County, Ohio USA!

I hope you can find yourself in your travels, keep positive and try to get a handle even if it means seeing a doc and T if you havn't already.

MTJ -

I'm from Toledo. If you're depressed... this isn't where you want to be or visit. LOL. I'm getting out of T-town as soon as it is financially feasible. I can't imagine living in D-town is any better, right?

So far as what everyone has said here, I honestly believe that being a "highly functioning depressive" is the norm for 80% or more of the adult population. We live in a society inundated with processed foods, chemicals in that food and air and water, psych meds and 'disease' meds that produce side effects all over the map, our economy, politics, you name it!!

How does one be sane in the age of 2013?? Really... how?

So don't feel bad about having two sides my man, everyone does. I am not trying to downplay your issues at all and I sincerely hope you can find peace, just don't get too down on yourself and know that really hey, you're "normal" because everyone's kind of crazy, right?

And lastly, take time to sit back and enjoy the Tigers beating the Indians. (I say that, and I'm a Tribe fan)

Ah, thanks, my trip was pretty short, about 2 1/2 hours total round trip. Then I stopped by my gym on the way back and went for a swim. Ahhhhhhh. That all felt so nice.

Actually, I've assembled quite the team to fix everything wrong with me. PCP, psychiatrist, psychologist, integrative medicine specialist, cardiologist, chiropractor, two personal trainers.

I have no intention of stopping until I get the life I deserved to have in the first place.

These two quotes I am experiencing right now. I never wanted anyone to ever find out how messed up I was mentally. I bottled everything up and never took care of myself because whenever I did, I was told I was being selfish. In my situation, I've always cared more about how everyone else was doing because that is how I was raised.

In every job I have worked in, I made sure to put 110% effort into everything. When I didn't, I would also beat myself up internally. I would insult myself, tell myself I was a screw up and that nothing I could ever do would be good enough for anyone.

I am still learning, but I have realized that there are a LOT of people out there dealing with these same issues every day. Some have it worse, some have it better, but everyone is fighting something.

I can now say that I have come a long way from how I used to be, and I was a complete and utter mess. However, from overcoming all of the obstacles life has thrown at me, I have become the person I've always wanted to be. I have friends now; GOOD friends. I'm married, which I never thought anyone would ever want to "put up" with me. I have the job I have always dreamed of having. My immediate family understands me more and my in-laws understand me more. Life can be amazing. And you will get there.

Try to look at life as a game. Something is always going to stop you from moving to the next spot on the board, reaching that next level, or scoring that winning goal. But when you overcome those obstacles, you look back and realize you can do anything you put your mind to.

Reminds me, of the time, 6 years ago, going through an emotional crisis, yet, in my neurologist's office, tears in my eyes..."Can You Fix Me?"
My then husband, sitting next to me, my desire to do everything, please everyone, place everyone above myself. 'Doctor, Can you Fix me?'

The life, I deserved to have, doesn't involve changing the past, but it involves, finding a certain peaceful acceptance, of what was, what will never be, and a contentment for the life that I have.

My past, is a nightmare, on some levels. All I can do, is ensure that my own children, will not have to experience the things, that I did. So far, not so bad.

Can he fix me? No. Can any of my doctors, 'fix' me? No. Even my therapists, can only give me a guiding hand.

I often, look, at my pdoc, with a questioning look, over 'how's joy?' or something along those lines. The 'joy' feeling, is it any less? What if the baseline for joy, is low to begin with?

Looking around you, do you feel, that other's don't deal with MH? Demographically speaking, I live in an affluent area. Yet, I know, depression, etc, does not discriminate. It's here, it's in poorer communities, it's in the country clubs, it's everywhere.

I take a good listen, to word choice. You'd be amazed, at the little clues, someone's words. It helps, to know, none of us, are truly alone with our struggles.

Glad you had a good 'day' off, so to speak. I, too, am one to drive around, to just 'be', figure things out, in a way.

I'm highly functional but try to be open about my mental health issues. However, most don't seem to believe me or take me seriously.

I am high functioning as I'm doing a degree while dealing with mental health issues. Sometimes I feel that because I'm able to get to class and mix around with people, that maybe I'm pretty ok and that I don't deserve therapy. Its like I ask myself if I should give up my slot to someone else who may need it more...

I can definitely relate. My life looks together from the outside and a friend actually ditched me in a jealous fit last year because she said I had it all. I've got a postgraduate degree and a good career, I'm married, I have a good social life, I pay my tax bills on time. When I told one close friend I was in therapy, she said: "Why? You're so emotionally stable." Ha! Hahahaha!

In private, I have anxiety, panic attacks, flashbacks, SI urges, SU urges, disordered eating and loads of other stuff I can't even think of right now. Holding it together did me harm for a while as my feelings got so squashed, it was like being suffocated. But now that public face helps remind me that the difficult feelings aren't all I am, and the present is making it safe to face the past.

And, in time, I've learned that you don't have to keep them so separate. Last June, I had a breakdown. I had to let some freelance clients down at very short notice. The person I let down the most badly was my oldest client, so I thought I owed it to him to explain what had happened (I just told everyone else I was ill). I really let him down, I was so behind on everything and someone else had to pick up the pieces. My husband contacted him for me. And you know what he said? He said he was sorry to hear that and to let him know when I wanted to come back. Not: tell her never to contact me again. Not: tell her she's a waste of space.

Some people are helpful and sympathetic. It can just be hard work figuring out which ones.

Thanks. I really wanted to respond to your comments since yesterday, but didn't find time.

RE: Fixing it. I know I am ultimately responsible, the buck stops here so to speak. But, I feel like having competent professional help makes all of the difference. My job is about 90% fixing the mess people have made for themselves by trying to do it themselves, or by not doing it at all and hoping it just goes away. I believe that in medicine, as in law, it takes someone with a lot of training and experience. And I am extremely committed to doing everything it takes and giving a thousand and ten percent to it. I feel I am completely fixable now that my Dx is no longer bipolar. I felt that bipolar was a death sentence. And that took me to dark places in my mind and disaster scenarios. And the big lie/big cover up.

Which brings me to your second thought. I know it happens everywhere, to every demographic. The response I feel is different, based pretty much on financial ability in the uniquely dysfunctional American health care system. I just don't "hear about it" in the circles I move in. Or, people with MH issues are mocked, ridiculed, or spoken of in the context of the 1 in a million worst case scenarios of the mass shooters. Then people say things like " lock up all of the crazies" without making any distinctions or acknowledging that "danger to others" is ecceedingky rare. One more reason for my big cover up. But I know that, in my very catastrophizing frame of mind last year (a term from the day program) my mind took that to "I'm going to be cast out, banished, because they (family, community) don't want someone like me around, they would fear me as dangerous and I would make them look bad." And that was not only irrational, it was self-stigmatizing and implied the same about MI as I said others felt. But I was convinced I would die homeless in a Detroit ghetto.

I love my life, I know that, despite everything, my upbringing, last year, I have it really good. When I thought I was losing everything, it made me realize how exceedingly lucky I am. Blessed, really. And I WILL fight for it to the death.

And you won't hear about it, in the circles. I don't talk about my own state of health, whether it be anxiety or MS. And yes, exactly, 'lock up all the crazies', seems to run in both our circles. When people, start talking irrationally, hearing 'go get a therapist' doesn't quite sound like a positive, helpful, supportive statement.

Can't be weak in a dog eat dog world!

I have an excellent team of medical doctors on my own 'team', so to speak. And when my exh gets his hairs crosswise, from time to time...I remind him, of the credentials of my doctors. Especially, my pdoc.

Glad you are able to move forward, and fight for your peace of mind!

I hope my statement about bipolar being a death sentence doesn't offend anyone, God knows I don't want to do that. I really appreciate the kindness and support I have gotten here in such a short time. I know it's not, and probably millions live with it. I even have proof in my own family, my nephew by marriage is bipolar, with 2 engineering degrees, a great career, an inspiring amateur Marathon and triathlon competitor, coaches boy's HS XC and track, been happily married for 22 years with 3 great kids. And to my knowledge all smooth sailing.

My statement reflects both the stigma I displayed, which is a big irony, and the extent to which I let extreme anxiety take over last year.

Better now, and I apologize if I offended.

Thank you for giving an apology that was unasked for! That actually means a lot to me, that you would do that. I wasn't offended (had actually skimmed through the part of your message actually, not sure how I managed that one) but I really appreciate that you would do that so quickly.

Stigma terrifies me. Self stigma is a real challenge. My T says I am totally obsessed and paralyzed ("stuck") by it. It displays ignorance, prejudice, and hurts the overall struggle for personal and societal acceptance. As does stigma by others. I have no real excuse other than still a sense of fear and periods of self loathing. I try to be very kind, open minded, and supportive of others, I just can't cut myself the same break. I have to for my overall recovery to succeed. I am trying.

my husband too is a highly functioning depressive. people who meet him think he is a nice friendly guy with a great family. if only they knew that the minute he walks in the door he is a sad broken despondent man. i think society has placed so much stigma on mental health issues that people, like my husband, feel like they have failed if they admit to not being able to cope with everything life throws at us. i hope you are able to find an outlet here. realizing you have a mental health issue has got to be a good sign, right? perhaps in time you will be able to take the next step and seek help from a doctor or counselor or someone who can help you see yourself in a better light. just know that you are not alone, and you are probably right about your neighbors, lol. we all try and show the public our best side, but in private we all have issues to deal with.

I used to be this way because I was in denial. I thought I was highly functional. I thought I was better than other people. "Oh those poor unfortunate souls who have mental illness". I used to look at mental illness as a checklist. As people... like checklists. I used to be the most rational, logical person you've ever met. I thought emotions were weird. I was as solid as a rock. Or so I thought..

One day I cracked. Well, as a lot of mental illnesses seem to go.. my depressive episode started insidiously. I thought I was just acting more stressed out than usual. Of course, I'd later go to the doctor to see about having depression, and was diagnosed. But the whole problem the entire time, it turns out, after being referred to a psychiatrist, was that I had ADHD.

My universe was shattered. I had friends who couldn't handle it, the depression part. It was too intense for them. They left me. I thought I could be open about my disorder because I had seemed so normal before... I was wrong. People didn't understand. Sometimes, it's like you get a mental illness and all of a sudden it seems to be like you have fricking leprosy.

This has made me a lot more compassionate towards everyone. I realize how much of a fool I was before. It's almost like karma came and bit me in the ***. I was never outwardly cruel to people or anything.. it's just.. I had those prejudiced thoughts. Now, I truly do think every man is equal.

Now I'm a lot more careful about who I tell about my history. That's not a fact I'm going to share when I'm just reconnecting with friends from the past and/or meeting new people. It's hard, but this forum helps. I'm also trying to join a local support group in my area to meet others like me.

I think life is even better now that I'm not living a lie.

wow can I totally relate to everything you're saying...trying to function as if you're okay and everythings okay, all the while falling apart inside...10 years ago I worked in sales, and was the #1 sales person in the world in a male dominated company, was making more money money than I could shake a stick at, had all the plaques and accolades and recognition to go with it, but inside I felt worthless, like walking human garbage. It's like no matter how much success in my career I had, no matter how many great relationships I had, I still felt like I was worthless. And so the act continued. Til one day I just lost it 10 years ago.