I don't know whats going on in my mind anymore, i'm begging you please help?

I'm going to try to explain, i'm sorry if i can't get this across correctly.
Lately, almost every night now, every time i try to talk or type anything my mind spazzes out, i get extremely frustrated and stressed out. my hands start internally stressing out, my mind spins, i start crying uncontrollably, and i curl up into a ball and start freaking out to myself. I silently scream/cry, and i clutch my head. I don't know whats happening, it's terrifying me lately. I've always had some sort of idea that i'm mentally insane, i always think that.
My mind can't create correct sentences, the only thing i can really say when anyone asks me whats wrong is 'i don't know' i really don't know. in that state, i can't think of anything but i don't know. sentences, thinking, logic, it all just hurts my mind more.
I know i have depression as does everyone else in my family. I have a good life. I have a boyfriend who i care about, more than anything else in the entire world. Half the time, i want to admit myself to some kind of hospital, but i don't want him to know or think that i'm crazy, i don't want anyone to leave me like i know they will. But i can't stand being like this anymore, if i'm not already insane i feel like this is going to drive me to that point. I really need some kind of advice or something. Please.

{{{{ Cemetary~! }}}} my heart goes out to you~! i have experienced some of the things i think you are saying, after i was poisoned. i don't know what is happening to you, but i do know that the brain is an organ, and can have failures in it's operations, more complex than any other system~!

i rarely suggest that anyone see a Psychiatrist, but they are medical specialists on the brain. if you are able to see one, look for a good one, who doesn't just throw pills at you~! beware of those psych meds, they can have terrible side effects, and they are ALL trial and error~!

in the mean time, see if you can avoid the situations that seem to put you in the worst way~ do not cast yourself into destruction~ you are precious and your brain is repairable, this is not the end of the world.

you seem to understand very well what is happening to you, and what might happen if you are seen as "crazy",, people do abandon us in our hour of need. so, try to blame some medical condition. that's one reason i like to say "Brain Chemisty Disorder" , causing aphasia (inability to speak), and dyslexia (confusion writing and reading), and severe anxiety". it sounds like what it is, a medical condition.

write those things down and say you consulted someone in a support chat online, and were told to investigate the causes of such things.... or however you find works for you to keep yourself SAFE.

let me just say in closing, that i used a brain repair technology called Holosync, that you can read about and even order at CenterPointe.com, which has been in use since the mid 80's and uses sound with stereo earphones to stimulate the brain to rebalance and even repair itself~! i also had some good results with acupuncture.

i don't want to sound like some space cadet, i have a good education and lots of experience working with people with Psychiatric Diagnoses. i have been very active on PC for 3 yrs, and have a good reputation here. i truely hope you are able to access something that works for you, while it is early days~.

best wishes,
Gus

Hello Cemetary,

Welcome to PC! I'm sorry that you are feeling so miserable with these intense emotional reactions to life.

Do you only have these symptoms in the evenings, or are your days emotional as well? Just curious if there is a general anxiety & depression that you're suffering from, or if there's something more specific causing your misery. For instance, other than your fear of your bf finding out about these intense emotional moments, are there other fears clouding your perception of life? Or, is your general perspective towards life pretty grey 24 hours per day, 7 days per week?

It doesn't sound as though you're seeing a T (therapist) or pDoc about this struggle either....although I may have misinterpreted your post. Have you considered going in for some help? I'm not real gung-ho on taking medications either, myself. It took a lot to get me to give it a try, but I won't bore you! That said, I have learned that sometimes medications can have wonderfully effective results upon us, and give us the "normal life" that we all deserve! It is not my place to tell you that you should or shouldn't be medicated either. It is simply my place to remind you of this service.

I have seen T's for many, many years ~ for a very wide variety of reasons as well. I am a big believer in T, personally. It has helped me work through many things in my past and present. I believe that it's worth the time and money ~ wholeheartedly.

Gentle hugs and very best wishes sent your way ~ take care!

I knew someone this happened to, they had had what is termed a nervous breakdown. They were so mentally exhausted their brain shut off to everything. There have been times in my depressive episodes I simply dont want to talk. I cant. Others I read a colection of stories of people that had many different symptoms due to mental health: blindness, being unable to walk, forgetting how to play the piano when theyd done it for 20 yrs...you are not alone. Your mind is exhausted. You need to heal.

Oh I am so sorry you're feeling this way, sending you bug hugs

You really need to seek help and as soon as you can! If the ppl around you truly care about you, they shouldn't leave you for getting the help you need, whatever that might entail

Wishing you the best

I'm not sure if they WOULD leave me, i'm just absolutely terrified that they will. It's a harsh world, not everyone accepts things so easily and i just can't handle the thought of losing anyone.
Thank you i really do appreciate you taking the time to answer me :]

There are some days when i cannot talk, i shut myself away from the world and i don't talk to anyone, can't talk, for days. I'm really not sure why and like i said before these things are growing and scaring me more day by day. I have no problem with vison, or forgetting how to do certain things. But now that you mention the walking thing, i have had times afterwards that i feel as if im going to fall over or i walk like a drunk person.
Thank you so much for taking the time out of your day to answer me

I can completely relate to this.....

It is like thoughts are RACING by so fast that none of them are "processable". It ends up being as if there are no brainwaves at all....

freaky stuff.

Hi,
I feel this way too. Good thing is that you have good life.
I don't have that either. when you feel like crying just cry
it does minimize the mental pressure. if your boyfriend is supporting you
then good. Share your feeling with him.

I'll try to answer everyone, i feel obligated to because it really means a lot for you to take the time and answer. I've just been currently busy with my work and school work and normal everyday things. Hopefully i'll be able to answer everyone in the next few days <3

I've had those symptoms for years. I lose my train of thought when I talk ("trail off"), mental energy fluctuates like mad, mind goes off on tangents like crazy and makes it impossible to focus/socialize. You need something to improve your focus and concentration and there could easily be other factors that you're dealing with. I am mixed manic and have had very few breaks over last three decades but meds that have helped have been zyprexa (AP) which decreased my agitation, ritalin and adderall both of which did same thing and helped me focus, recently tegretol which did same thing and evened my moods out and slowed my thoughts when I talked and made it easier to socialize. But they all have lots of side effects.

I can sit and read things with good concentration and I completed an engineering degree but when it comes to socializing I just can not focus and mental energy is out of my control. There might be an anxiety component but there's more than that I know. There's a fine line between good and very poor concentration.

That sounds like some very scary stuff. I hope that you find the courage to get some professional help so you can get on the road to recovery. In the meantime, I do hope you post here as it does help a lot to have an outlet where people actually know what you are going through...even if we don't have the answers.

When my brain is totally overwhelmed I get physical symptoms and lose control of certain body actions. At times my walking is slowed down to a crawl or even stop. Thankfully this doesnt happen often but it can take days for my legs to get back to normal. Mostly and I mean alot...... my neck is all over the place. I know I look spastic and I can see the strange looks I get. Its like my brain takes over and I stop feeling anything....... but my body is telling a different story.

Sometimes I ask that part of me that is doing its own thing what it wants and it will tell me what it doesnt like. Then if I respond as a kind parent would the physical stuff stops. Sometimes it works. Sometimes not, but its always worth a try.