Afraid to leave home

It wasn't until just the other day when I realized that I am having a horrible problem getting out of my bed & out of my house to even function with the little things that I need to do in my life.

I knew that the thought of the real estate offer being photographed the next day for it to be televised in the future was really bothering me. I thought that was just stress about the fear of being seen by people I am afraid of which shouldn't actually matter. But I realized that my problem is more than just that. I was having the farrier come out to the ranch to shoe my horse. I was having a horrible anxiety attack just getting out of my home for that, & when they were standing around chatting while he was doing several of the other horses, I couldn't even talk & went off to play with my horses rather than try to force myself to be sociable. The anxiety level I was going through wasn't even close to being normal is a situation like that.

I talked to my psychologist the night before the interview & we talked about how bad it is getting for me to even go out of my house anymore. I find excuses to let my husband take care of everything & avoid. His suggestion was to make sure & take a tranquilizer before the interview to calm me down a bit. Good idea, but getting through it was more than I could imagine being able to do. Go figure. I was the person who performed my flute infront of thousands of people. I used to be able to do public speaking at symposiums & run meetings all the time. I was able to get A's in all my public speaking classes.

It actually should have been a very exciting piece of photography......I should have been much more excited than I was able to be. I mean, there were 4 offers on the house (in 2 days) & the final offer was quite a bit over the asking price. The strange thing was that I felt like there was someone there & I was just watching it happen. I was definitely shocked however. After they photographed that, they interviewed me about my thoughts. That was rather difficult & it came out that I was so glad that the house was sold so that I could finally let go of the memories that the house held & be able be free to go on with my life.

Luckly, I had my appointment with my psychologist that afternoon & we were able to talk about what is really going on about my fears to be away from where I feel safe. I thought that the only thing after that was to finish off clearing out the house. I was exhausted by the time I got home & took my seroquel to avoid the nightmares & get a good sleep.

I was woken up the next morning with a phone call from the producer of the show & found out that they want to do more with the story of the sale of the house. They want to photograph a session that relives when I decided to go with the real estate agent. They said that the sale of the house was so interesting becase everything happened to quickly & ended up so great that they wanted the whole story. Well, here it goes again. I was able to tell the producer a little about what was behind it including why I was wanting to get rid of the house so bad that I was considering taking the "as is" offer from the other person. When she heard about what had happened, she was even more interested in having that be part of the program. Now instead of having a day to get stressed, I have even longer.

At least now, I finally know why I have been fearing the huge move to Kentucky. It isn't just because it is a very complicated move, but the fear of being outside of my own home makes it almost impossible to make it back there to search for a farm or property to build on especially when I am doing it alone.

They were cute about the filming of the offer however, I brought Leo (my guardian angel eskie) along & he does help me more than I ever realized.

It is amazing to me how much fear I now realize I am having just trying to get out of my house let alone doing anything stressful on top of that. At least my psychologist realizes what I am dealing with now & we know why I am having so many issues trying to get on with my life. At this point, it is almost impossible. I am going to need alot of help to be able to make the life I want actually come true. At least & have a wonderful psychologist to help me. Right now, I feel trapped. Hopefully that will be able to change in the future.

Debbie

Debbie, one breath at a time hon, one step and one moment.

Debbie, all the time I was reading your post, I saw in my head a picture I tried to draw while we were going through the sale of our property in the country! It was of a woman pulling herself out of the mire, moss, pond scumb, you name it. I never could get the face right, so I left it faceless.

Anyway, it seems to fit your situation right now. You're pulling yourself out of an ugly, painful past and starting a new life. It's only normal that you're having so much anxiety pulling away from a place that you are familiar with and is so well known to you... to start a brand new life so far away from what's familiar to you.

Do you suppose if babies new what awaited them in childbirth, they would also have anxiety attacks when contractions started?? I would think so!!

Would it help you to think of this experience as a rebirth? Wipe the old slate clean; heck, leave it behind and start fresh! WOW! What an experience!! Scary, yes, but it's a brand new beginning! WooooHooooooooo!! Lucky you!! I know you can do it!!

grrr ((((hugs))) reading through your post...you are "shoulding" all over yourself! If you could do it, you would. Let it go. Be glad you have hubby to help! Don't beat yourself up over things you can't do right now. Do your best, and that's enough!

((((((((( Debbie )))))))))

So glad you're in there "fighting" and have such good helpers, your psychologist, husband and Leo and the others. I agree with you, the future looks better.

Thanks to all,

Yes, I probably do "should" myself to death. It seems so easy to do when I was able to do so much in my past, & look at how much I can't seem to do now. It is hard not to should myself. You are definitely right about it not being ok to do.

Yes, Tomi, I had to laugh at your baby image. Maybe it is their anxiety attacks that are actually the contractions.....lol. I agree with you....it is definitely going to be a rebirth for me.

For me, I kind of relate going through life like when I have had to have a surgery. It is something I don't want to go through & even on the way to the hospital, I am saying turn around & go home....I don't want to go through this. Knowing that turning around & not going through it isn't even an option & it is something that just has to happen. I just shut off my mind & time just takes me through it (whether I want to or not). Soon it is over....& there is pain & healing that is left to go through but it has never killed me. The hard part is living through it & the pain of healing, but as time passes, so does that.

This is something I know inside. It is just hard to talk myself through, let along convince myself that it isn't going to kill me. I guess that is where my psychologist comes in, working on convincing me that I will get through it & come out alive on the other side. The only thing that bothers me is that living through the psychological issues takes a lot longer period of time than just a surgery. I am sure that looking back at life, years will seem like an instant, but until that time, handling the anxiety takes alot of help & work.

Debbie

Debbie, watch how you talk to yourself, the thoughts that go on in your head. Refuse to think of anything negative. Replace them with good, positive thoughts! Tell yourself, "What an exciting journey I'm on! What a wonderful chance to start over!" Yeah, it's going to take longer than a surgery, but think of the people that actually look forward to being put under anesthesia! For them it's a positive experience, not a negative one. The pain killers they get after the surgery is also a positive experience for them. Butterflies in the tummy are acceptable, too! Do you remember when a teenager what a neat feeling that was?? LOL

THINK POSITIVE!!

Unfortunately, for me, the butterfly feeling in my stomach is nausea.....too sick to eat much of anything anymore. I have a whole list of people I have (not should) to contact & so many things to do to make anything it the future happen. But being curled up under my soft warm blanket safely hiding my my room is all I can get myself to do right now.

I force myself out only when I absolutely have to & let my phone answer all my calls to ensure my feeling safe. I am forcing myself out tomorrow because they want to film my meeting with our real estate agent & want to know a little about why I chose them. Not wanting to say too much or too little but basically afraid to even open my mouth. I know it will go ok if I take enough tranquilizers & nausea medication. It's a good thing they have meds for everything. The trick is taking enough to be calm, & not taking too much to sound out of it. It is situations like this when I feel like I am watching some one else & it isn't really me that is there talking. I hear it all & watch it all, but it isn't really me there talking.

When I was passing through the channels on the TV the other day, I came across the local channel & a lady who specialized in handling fraud & actually has put together an association called gotfraud. I called & left a message & she returned my call leaving a voicemail. I have been trying to get up enough nerve to call her back because she wants to know about what I went through. I know this will be a great way to get what I went through out to the public, but I'm not sure if I can force myself to talk about it right now. Being curled up under my covers is about all I am able to do right now. I haven't even been able to do any packing.

I agree with everything you have said Tomi.....it is exactly what I tell myself.....but doing seems to me much different than hearing. Maybe a baseball bat might be the answer.

Debbie