Fear and Anger: Why Should One Lead to the Other?

I find myself in a situation from time to time where I am ducking from flying objects thrown by an angry man who is quite a bit larger than I am. always afraid of getting hit or beaten or hurt by his proudly uncontrolled, rage-filled temper, I have even found myself a contact target for his hands, slapping me around in a wrath waiting for retaliation. generally, I remain non-responsive to any contact or pain, regardless of its intensity, and simply glare into his eyes to show a lack of feeling or an inability to feel pain ... if I can see it coming. however, each and every time without exception, I walk away from such incidents in a rage of my own, wanting to cause semi-permanent damage to his face hoping to put a stop to his threats and fits. it seems to me that any time I find myself being threatened or assulted (verbally or otherwise), I become so enraged that, in the stead of fear, I feel a cringeing need in my heart to destroy or severely damage someting. unless something is thrown at me, in which case I will recoil and duck automatically without any chance of choosing my movement ... but later I am ablaze with anger. I am not looking for another person to tell me I need to get out of this situation and away from this person ... that is a generic response I have heard a million times that has yet to answer any questions that I have about my responses. I need someone who really knows what they are talking about to answer these questions: why would fear lead to such anger and rage if on any other day I am a peaceful and likeable man? why do I become so angry when I respond in fear (as when I duck) or should be in fear (as when threatened)? why would I become so enraged if my life were threatened? is this dangerous?

It's called the FIGHT or Flight response. Being **you choose** NOT to leave, then anger comes into play. You need a therapist. I hope you leave someday....on your own before you or your partner gets seriously hurt

Personally, I think it's the normal rage one would feel when their existence is threated! It's your choice what you will do with it.

I am not looking for another person to tell me I need to get out of this situation and away from this person ... that is a generic response I have heard a million times that has yet to answer any questions that I have about my responses.

It sounds like you need to speak with a professional about your responses.

That said, I doubt you're going to be able to talk with anyone that won't tell you to put some safe distance in this relationship. If you're spending most of your time forced to react, there's not much time to study those reactions because you're always in defense mode? I wish you more than well.

Welcome to PC.

KD

been there done that, you need to survive and the only way to do it is by flight, before you end up killing one another

Dear VinAlex.......
This is just my opinion.......I have a brain injury and physical injuries......I have had a lot of therapy and these are my understandings of what was expressed to me......

I am married to a man that has a difficult time controlling his temper, (he suffered through and abusive childhood) and at points in our marriage it was escalating to physical abuse towards me.......I had therapy about that, too.....

A question to ask your Self when reflecting upon the abuse.....One of my therapists asked me to question my husbands actions from the framing point of.....Was my husband just a horrible man.....he used a different word.....or was he someone going through something he did not know how to cope with.......

It was the latter for me....which made working towards solutions, a goal.......

The other thing that more addresses your question....about anger.....my understanding came to be.....that anger is not a true stand alone emotion......it always comes into play as a mask for an underlying problem......fear, hurt, humiliation.....ect.......we hide from those emotions by dressing them up in anger....because we can use anger to hide from the real issues......

It is easier to get angry than to look at ourselves......the questions we need to ask about our own Selves......why do we permit someone to beat us.....why, by our staying do we continue to affirm behavior, that is so destructive to our physical being, and our very Souls.......

A good therapist will help you uncover and find answers to questions, that you might not, have even thought to ask.....

My opinion is, there are no circumstances when it is okay to be abused.....none....

Do you hide this behavior that is directed towards you....if you do, ask your Self why is that...?.....

I learned that my responses actually encouraged the abuse.....if you don't stand up to bullies they will continue to bully you.....

you do realize that doing nothing to stop escalating abuse could end in serious injury, or death....this does not take into consideration what is happening to the essence of your very Self..........

It really makes my heart hurt for you.....reading your words....one of the down falls of being in an abusive relationship is that after awhile you are conditioned to think it is okay....and just become submissive and accepting......

No wonder you feel anger......it is wrong what is happening...is your anger directed at the partner, or is part of it, anger over your own responses..........

I would add my plea that you find and spend, as much time as possible discussing your situation with a good therapist.......

Blessings to you.....
Hummer

When I get in a position where I'm very frightened, feeling helpless, I get angry too. I've decided that's a good thing as it "mobilizes" me. We have to do fight or flight but sometimes there's the "freeze" thing too, so we don't feel it when we get eaten :-) but maybe if the frozen brain thing doesn't work well, the rage gets us ducking and thinking of alternative responses?

I agree but my first thoughts were the same as kimmydawns. You can't really get the answers when your too busy ducking. A lot of lifes answers seem to come when we are in a safe place and able to get some perspective from a distance. Life is too short. Get help!