Interest in getting another perspective

From scrolling around here and reading I have found many insightful posts and I'd like to start by thanking every active member of this site. I'll get right to it...

I find myself often dealing with problems where I am not directly involved, to be a little more clear, I find myself paying for the actions of the people around me. Looking in the past year if I had to list 5 things that most effected me emotionally, I am really only directly involved in 1. Whether it's surrounding family members or friends, most of my stressers are not from my own actions.

Upon reflection I question whether maybe I am giving myself less blame than deserving but some instances I really feel like I did absolutely nothing. The biggest thing I've dealt with this year is the divorce of my parents but things like having to cover for my friends also happen and it's interesting because I always seem to bear the brunt of the repercussions.

I guess I'm just at a point where I'm wondering where exactly to go or how exactly do handle things better so that I can avoid being put into these situations, I'm also questioning whether I am too lenient on myself and maybe I do have to hold more blame for my struggles. I feel like it'd help having other people to kind of look at my situation, it's pretty hard for me to talk to anyone in my life right now about this so I came here...

Sounds like you have issues with boundaries? Maybe you need to establish more with your friends? Also, most kids do feel bad about divorcing parents. Have you thought of or are you in therapy? Good luck. Take care.

I agree about boundaries, albeit, it can be such a complex concept to explain or grasp, right away.

Is it possible, to elaborate, just a little more, about what you mean about giving yourself less blame, than you are deserving? Perhaps, an example? I feel, I may have an inkling, as to what you mean, but may be better able to go a little further, if you were to take the explanation, just a bit further...

It does sound like boundaries. Like healingme4me said though, without much info it's hard to say. Do you have a hard time telling people "no" when they ask you to do them a favor that you'd rather not do?

Hi. I agree with the boundaries feedback. I was given a book on them by a T bc my mom and I are so enmeshed. When I was younger I had similar problems almost like I had borderline personality. I found myself acting like a chameleon - becoming the person I thought my current friend wanted me to be. It's emotionally exhausting to try to please everyone and it's impossible. You end up getting the short end of the stick when bending over backwards to tell ppl what you think they want to hear. I'm very sorry about your parents divorce and I hope you don't get caught in the middle.

It took me a long time to realize I have no control over what other people think!! I have no control over what people think of me either. On AA's sobriety coins it says "to thine own self be true." I believe this is what gives me serenity and ownership of my life.

Tnt ♥

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Dear Thickntired,
Good advice!
I agree with everyone.

I had a neighbor who was having problems and I considered her my friend.

She would tell me her husband will be angry at this and that and I told her to
blame it on me. This was one of my worst mistakes in life.
I came to find out my friend made me the fall girl of all that was wrong with the world, including her addictions!
Which caused me turmoil with my bf who thought i had problems!

Never allow people to manipulate your opinion of another.
It will stain your life, set boundaries with parents and friends.
H.

Sometimes it's easier to focus on other people more than on yourself. There could be things that about yourself that you don't want to think about, so instead you channel it into other people's lives, because it seems less risky to try to change them than to try to change yourself.

I hope this doesn't come off sounding too accusatory or too Freudian. It's not a selfish thing. It's something like, for example, you encouraging a friend to take up skydiving, even though you don't think you yourself could ever get the courage to try skydiving. If someone else is doing it, it seems like a fun and exciting experience, but when you're the one that has to take the risks, it becomes a lot less fun and exciting and a lot more worrisome.

Same with fixing other people's problems: it seems like much less of a burdensome job than fixing your own problems, whatever they may be.

It's easy to give advice (this advice included) and much harder to live up to it.