I am not a happy camper. These past couple weeks have been so hard on me. To start I have been out of work for months, Which has been grating on me more than anyone can imagine. If it's one thing that I was taught growing up, it's "Work for what you want. Period.". Now to have my girlfriend and her mom taking care of me just kills me. I am such a loser that it's not funny. As I sit here writing this, I am listening to my music. Like I do every damn night. When I used to be on drugs, I preferred "uppers". I could do anything. I felt like superman. Nothing could stop me. NOTHING. Now that I've been clean for the past several years, I have been plagued by chronic fatigue, aches and pains, and insomnia. Despite that which is unaccounted for, I have recently found out that I need surgery on both knees and both shoulders. There is no cartilage what-so-ever in them. To get this surgery, I need insurance. To get insurance I need money. To get money I need a job. Just one big vicious circle. The other day me and my girlfriend got into an arguement about what clothing I am uncomfortable with her wearing. She has skirt that is a bit on the short side and one friend she goes out with. Her friend, Charmaine, always tries to pick up guys and leaves Tammy, my girlfriend, alone in these places. All I need is for Tammy to go to one of these places dressed like she wants attention and she will get the wrong kind. I can just see her in the parking lot alone getting ready to go and getting knocked out; ect. I also have some trust issues left over from when she cheated on me. So, the question in my head is "Why would she dress like that unless she was looking to attract someone?". It really bugs me. I also have no car because I have no job. Cripes, I suck major asphalt. My girlfriend's mom doesn't even know about us and that sucks too. Always having to duck, dodge, and hide from her when I want to kiss Tammy (Who I've been with for 6years). I guess I'm just not good enough to be with her or something. I am kind of a bum. Tonight I applied to Wendy's and YumYum's...I didn't want to do fast food again, But hey, I need money. Sometimes I think about this stuff and it gangs up on me, beats me down, and makes me just want to go away...I dunno, I'm a freak. Emotionally Disturbed is my diagnosis. That should say it all. Pretty much, it's a very, very, very severe form of bipolar. Not fun. Sometimes it's entertaining though. I have a slight headache at the moment. I have been getting them quite frequently lately. I refuse to take any pills or any pharmaceuticals in general unless I absolutely must. I also have a huge writer's block. With all of the stuff That i could draw on for inspiration, I can't write. Maybe I'm forcing it. That brings me to my book. (Right-Handed Karmic Sacrice (Just search at buy.com(Woohoo for cheap plugs))) It's not doing well at all, which gets to me. I'm trying my best to cope with all of this mess....But, I guess that's all that's rattling around in my brain right now, I might post more later.

-Michael-

P.S. My digicam broke.

if its any consulation i read the bios on the buy.com site in regards to your book, is it the same girl your with that you wrote the book about?

[JustAPixie]

(((((( michael ))))))

you sound really down and out.... I wish there was something I could do. On the aspect of what your girlfriend wears when she goes out... I have found that women dress more for other women then for men. They just want to look better than all the other girls...

The one thing that stands out to me right now in your post is about your girlfriend getting stranded and possibly recieving the wrong attetion because of the clothes she wears.

first of all she is an adult right so there is nothing keeping her stranded at those places. she knows her friend goes off with guys after getting her someplace so if she really minded being left in those places she would not go with that friend or take taxi money or another friend with her so she had a ride home. Your girlfriend is not being taken advantage. It is her choice to go out with this friend and it is her choice to remain in those places after her friend leaves with a guy.

clothing will get her the wrong attention, Weomen wear the clothes that they are the most comfortable in just like men at times like to wear pants that slip down or are so tight there is nothing left for the imagination frontal view or rear view.

obviously she is comfortable in those clothes and yea the attention she gets when wearing those clothes may be her deired outcome But know that if harm rape or other unwanted advances comes her way it is not because she is wearing the "wrong clothes". Too many times survivors of assault are blamed for wearing the "wrong clothes" when they go out and so on. if harm comes to your girlfriend it is because the person doing the harm will be making his / her own choice to have POWER over another human being. Rape and sexual assault is about POWER not sex and clothing.

Talk to your girlfriend and let her know you are worried about her but know that she is an adult and being so makes her own decisions including what she wears and her going out with friends that take off with a guy.

You know, I posted this not looking for some debate over why people do what they do and why. That's totally irrelevant here. Just wanted a simple "Wow that sucks, hope stuff gets better.". that's all I wanted...a little bit of support. Keep the debate for when I actually have the will to debate. That day ain't today. I would love nothing more than to lay down in front of a semi-truck, and all you guys can do is critisize my thinking. Thanks a bunch.

-VengerBoi-

[Bethsway]

VengerBoi ((((((((hugs)))))))))))) I am so sorry you are feeling so down...hope it doesn't last...and hope your writers block disappears...you write such wonderful poems!!!! (((((((Michael)))))))

[SpazKatt]

*hugs* if you want them!

[Boopers]

Wow Michael, I am so sorry for what you are going through right now. You are going through alot but I have to say I am very proud of you for kicking the drugs. That is NOT an easy thing to do, so kudos to you!!
I'm sorry your girlfriend doesn't understand why you don't want her to dress the way she is dressing. She should take into consideration your feelings and then talk to you about it. Since you said she has cheated in the past, then she should know that it would bother you if she dressed a little daringly and went off with her girlfriend.
I hope your book will take off and I also hope your writers block will go away but I agree with you, I bet you are trying too hard.
Hey, there is no shame in fast food restaurants. A job, is a job!!
Wow, sounds like you have alot of surgeries in your future and I am sorry about that. I wish you could find a job that they carry insurance on their employees and then that would take some burden off of you.
Don't put yourself down, you sound like a very caring person. Just because you are down on your luck right now, everyone goes through that sooner or later. You aren't this way because you want to be, it's just the way things have gone lately.
There is alot of depression in your letter and I am sorry for that. I know depression very well. Just don't let yourself fall into such a dark hole that it's so hard to get out of.
Please know that you are a good person and you are not where you are at because you want to be there. I can tell in your post how desperate you are to change things. I hope you find a job and can get things turned around.
Good luck to you and to your girlfriend.
Sending lot's and lot's of hugs,

Linda

michael....congratulations on being a published writer!

[tommylee]

my friend it gets better, trust me, you always have your art, look in to it, that`s what i am doing with my music, it`s always there, i am sure you have so much to write, just from your post, sounds like there is something to write about. Hell, lastley, i wanted to say that i fee you brother been there, sometimes still there but it gets better. pm me whenever you need to talk
Tommy