[1776]

In 2008 I got very sick with psychosis. I'm bipolar. As a result of my illness I ended up hospitalized for long periods of time.

When this happened I spent a lot of my time in the hospital worrying about my home and all the nice things I had in it. I didn't have much, but what I did have I valued for sentimental reasons.

I ended up losing almost everything because of my illness and hospitalizations.

Because of that loss I'm now reluctant to buy anything nice for fear of losing it again. I literally live like a Spartan because I don't want to experience that sense of extreme loss.

What little furniture I have is mismatched. I have no pictures on the walls or knicknacks. My kitchen is sparse and mismatched. I have four glasses, one big bowl, and I use paper plates.

The only things of real value left are my journals. I take them everywhere with me because I'm afraid to lose them. My mother betrayed me and nearly gave them to my doctors during my first hospitalization.

I want badly to have a normal, cozy home again, but I'm so afraid of losing it again that I don't want to take care of myself in this way. I found some glasses with bumblebees etched on them and they're only $15 for four, but even that is too much to bear losing.

Does anyone else feel this way? Am I abnormal?

Abnormal seems too harsh. What you're feeling and how you're reacting seems understandable to me. I think you should get the glasses and see how you feel then.

[sewerrats]

You have had a hard knock down , but staying down is not the answer. GET THE GLASS,S

[Switch]

This makes a lot of sense to me. If I noticed I was doing that I would MAKE myself get a few nice things. And then I would make myself give them away when I started getting attached. It seems like a lot of anxiety but if you work your way through something like that you will train yourself to handle loss of items better. Don't do that to truely special things (the last item of a friend who's gone, journals, family jewlry you care for, ext) but if you but plates, maybe a year from now replace them. Work on having nice stuff but not the centimental value to everything.

Because of what you went through (a trauma) you seem to be overly-centimental of items. For instants, someone who has never lost everything will not understand why 15$ glasses you just bought are very important to you. But I get that, and your reaction to this is quite normal. That being said you should work to fix it.

Also my suggestion is merely what I would do. If your seriously going to get help go to a professional because what would work for me may trigger you or turn it into hoarding which is just as bad.

[1776]

I appreciate everyone's input and I value it. You all make sense.

I spent last night looking at dishes. It's been 16 years since I bought a set and I can't believe how expensive they've gotten.

That aside, I realized I would probably not use them if I bought them. I'm a recluse. I live alone deep in my house and never have guests. My only family member doesn't travel and she's never been to my house in 35 years.

What I have now serves my purpose, but it doesn't tickle my fancy. I have nothing really nice anymore and despite the good advice here I am up against the wall off loss.

Losing everything is a deep wound. I think part of my problem is I don't want to spend the money to get my house back in order only to lose it again. It only happened once that I lost everything, but it was a terrible blow because the things I lost are irreplaceable.

Thank you all for posting. You've given me some stuff to think about. All input is welcome.

[January]

At a point in my life I lost almost all my possessions. In fact, I was homeless for a while. While I now have dishes and glasses, I don't have nice things like I had before the losses. So, in a way, I understand your hesitancy in buying nice things. My suggestion is to go somewhere where you can buy one place setting of a pattern of dishes you like and purchase it. Just one setting would not be splurging too much and you could use it every day. If you can't bring yourself to buy the whole place setting just buy the plate, and then later, when you feel up to it, you can buy another piece. The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step.

Jan

[1776]

Originally Posted by January

At a point in my life I lost almost all my possessions. In fact, I was homeless for a while. While I now have dishes and glasses, I don't have nice things like I had before the losses. So, in a way, I understand your hesitancy in buying nice things. My suggestion is to go somewhere where you can buy one place setting of a pattern of dishes you like and purchase it. Just one setting would not be splurging too much and you could use it every day. If you can't bring yourself to buy the whole place setting just buy the plate, and then later, when you feel up to it, you can buy another piece. The journey of 1,000 miles begins with a single step.

Jan

That's a G R E A T idea!

[January]

I'm so glad you like my idea!

[1776]

Originally Posted by January

I'm so glad you like my idea!

I ordered something very nice from Amazon. Just one setting of really beautiful china.

This is for you!

[January]

I am so excited for you!!!

[Switch]

so proud of you! Jan that was a great idea. 1776, congrats!! Thank you for having the courage to take the first step.

[1776]

January,

I want to thank you for recommending I buy one or two nice pieces of china in order to overcome my reluctance to have nice things for fear of losing them to my illness.

I ordered one place setting of beautiful Noritake china from Amazon and it came in the mail today. It's wonderful.

I am so grateful to you and everyone who's supported me.

I'm so glad I found PC. I get such great advice here. Many heads are definitely better than one.

[January]

You are so very welcome, my friend.

[too SHy]

What really tick me off is someone goes to the hospital to get better, the come home with no apartment, no job, all your belongings are in storage or worse, etc. I agree with Jan. You deserve nice things!

[edward6]

When I read your title, I hoped that I would read about someone similar, however, you don't want nice things coz your afraid of losing them, and I don't want them coz it's just more junk to store. I've given away most of my valuables to my children, and now I'm in the process of throwing away or giving away everything that I can't actually use. I'm tired of a lifetime of collecting stuff, some of it expensive and nice. It doesn't make my life any happier or better. I have many women in my family, so I know how important a cozy and attractive home is to them. Nice places to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there; I might scratch something.

I'd really love to live in a cave or a dugout of some kind. You can't burn it down; you can't tax it; no repairs; you can't get it dirty...er; no heating or cooling bills; the list is endless. And if I have a caveman party some night, and they try to trash the place, it only makes it bigger, and that could attract a mate. I might have to try and evict an ornery critter when I get back from holidays, so I'll try and make a habit of getting home before Winter sets in.

[sewerrats]

Originally Posted by edward6

When I read your title, I hoped that I would read about someone similar, however, you don't want nice things coz your afraid of losing them, and I don't want them coz it's just more junk to store. I've given away most of my valuables to my children, and now I'm in the process of throwing away or giving away everything that I can't actually use. I'm tired of a lifetime of collecting stuff, some of it expensive and nice. It doesn't make my life any happier or better. I have many women in my family, so I know how important a cozy and attractive home is to them. Nice places to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there; I might scratch something.

I'd really love to live in a cave or a dugout of some kind. You can't burn it down; you can't tax it; no repairs; you can't get it dirty...er; no heating or cooling bills; the list is endless. And if I have a caveman party some night, and they try to trash the place, it only makes it bigger, and that could attract a mate. I might have to try and evict an ornery critter when I get back from holidays, so I'll try and make a habit of getting home before Winter sets in.

millions all ready live like that its called homeless

[edward6]

Originally Posted by sewerrats

millions all ready live like that its called homeless

I've lived in towns and in the mountains, and I'm tired of all the expenses that are continually heaped upon me to enjoy the "good life." Homeless is surviving on the street with almost nothing, within a culture that is not very compassionate, which is very different than an agrarian, more ground-based lifestyle. There is a developing group of people who are moving away from the image-conscious way of living, and we are not destitute or homeless.

[sewerrats]

Originally Posted by edward6

I've lived in towns and in the mountains, and I'm tired of all the expenses that are continually heaped upon me to enjoy the "good life." Homeless is surviving on the street with almost nothing, within a culture that is not very compassionate, which is very different than an agrarian, more ground-based lifestyle. There is a developing group of people who are moving away from the image-conscious way of living, and we are not destitute or homeless.

I was with 2guys chrismas day that chose to be homeless and live the life you say. They live in culverts under a main road at the side of a stunning lake. They could live in commuity housing but don't want that. They get benefit money has they are classed mentally ill. They want for nothing and wash and change at the drop in centre, they wear head band light at night an read books or has Geoff say to me he sits on the river bank counting stars. Not to far away to what you crave , there clean , happy and have no worries .

[cool09]

I've experienced the same thing as you. Multiple hospitalizations in early 90s, ECT leading to SSDI and half-way house, presently on SSDI (since 2004). I grew up middle-class and had everything and had college paid for. Onset of illness was at 14 and since then have failed at everything. My father supplements my SSDI (or else I would be homeless) and I rarely buy clothes or big things. My dream was always to make music and occasionally I want to put money into nice stereo equipment or a guitar. I don't want anything else.

I don't want what everyone else wants. The media totally puts the wrong material desires, standards and values into peoples' heads and no one challenges it (not even the Religious Right Wing which surprises me). I think we're put here to be one with nature and each other, not to strive towards fancy cars, TVs, gadgets, etc. I think there are people in economically poor places that probably have richer lives than lots of Americans.

[Douglas MacNeill]

Originally Posted by 1776

In 2008 I got very sick with psychosis. I'm bipolar. As a result of my illness I ended up hospitalized for long periods of time.

When this happened I spent a lot of my time in the hospital worrying about my home and all the nice things I had in it. I didn't have much, but what I did have I valued for sentimental reasons.

I ended up losing almost everything because of my illness and hospitalizations.

Because of that loss I'm now reluctant to buy anything nice for fear of losing it again. I literally live like a Spartan because I don't want to experience that sense of extreme loss.

What little furniture I have is mismatched. I have no pictures on the walls or knicknacks. My kitchen is sparse and mismatched. I have four glasses, one big bowl, and I use paper plates.

The only things of real value left are my journals. I take them everywhere with me because I'm afraid to lose them. My mother betrayed me and nearly gave them to my doctors during my first hospitalization.

I want badly to have a normal, cozy home again, but I'm so afraid of losing it again that I don't want to take care of myself in this way. I found some glasses with bumblebees etched on them and they're only $15 for four, but even that is too much to bear losing.

Does anyone else feel this way? Am I abnormal?

Here's the strange thing: If you asked me that at first, before I knew
anything about you or your circumstances, I would probably say that
you are abnormal. Once I did learn about your circumstances, my
opinion changed; I would say that you aren't abnormal after allowing for your circumstances.

On the other hand, being afraid of what might happen if you were to relapse does take time, attention and energy away from more important tasks: living your life from one day to the next, recovering to the extent that you can, finding people who will respect your personal secrets (such as your journals), and so on.

[justbeingme80]

I'm glad you purchased the china, 1776. I can understand and I have even given away a lot of nice things because I couldn't handle it and later regretted it. I'm happy for you!

[Silent Void]

All you do is worry about nice stuff anyway. Chip, crack, drop, dent, scratch, break. My place is like a Goodwill store. Nothing new, but serviceable. You don't miss it so much if you didn't pay a fortune for it.

[sewerrats]

just sit back and enjoy you little display it sounds cool