Money Can't Buy Happiness, but it Sure Could Make Life Easier

I've been feeling super stressed out lately. And it all stems from money issues. I'm stressed from school, home, relationships, everything.

Before I lay it all out, let me give a little bit of background info. I am 17 years old. I grew up in a happy, carefree household. Everything seemed perfect. Then, I moved to another state when I was 10 years old. I use that move as the divider between my childhood and my adulthood (even though I was only 10 at the time), because following that move, everything went downhill. My mental health issues began to show symptoms, I began having trouble in school and in relationships, and it just kept getting worse.

I am adopted and I've always had some abandonment issues. My therapist and I recently have concluded that there is a connection between my adoption and my abandonment issues and the anger I have toward my adoptive parents. It triggers this anger inside me when people who should be there for me aren't there- my birth parents for not being there to raise me, my adoptive parents for not meeting my needs (mental health wise- I was sent to a hospital for OCD last year, financially- money is tight, etc.)

So the most recent issue that's been stressing me out is related to things I want. I know this is going to come off as sounding really spoiled but I can't explain it any other way. Before we moved, the family was very well off. We took vacations and traveled, we rented a beach house in the summer, I would go shopping with my mom all the time (I loved clothes and toys and she would buy what I wanted), I would go get manicures and pedicures regularly (even though I was only 10). We went out to eat and to shows and to amusement parks. There wasn't any worry about money.

When we moved, it really stressed me out. My parents hadn't previously talked about money a lot, and when they did, they only talked about the good side of it (e.g. how big of a bonus employees got that year during the holidays). After the moved, I began to feel the financial strain. I wasn't used to being told "no" when I asked for something, as bratty as that sounds, and it was a real weird thing to constantly be told "no, that's too expensive". I adjusted to it, because as I grew up, I realized that most of my friends didn't get everything they wanted and I understood that I didn't need to have ten billion stuffed animals to be happy. But it's been getting increasingly worse. It used to be "wait until the end of the month and then we can get that for you". Now, it's "that snack is too expensive." It's not even material things anymore. It's stuff like food. Junk food. But still food. Something I always viewed as a necessity and would never be out of my reach. If that makes sense.

Today, I got into a huge fight with my mom because I asked her when we were going to do a big grocery run and why we never do them anymore (I mean, we go to the grocery store, but it's not like those days when we would go and get like 250$ of groceries. She blew up at me saying, "since you really want to know, we can't afford it right now. We are tired of putting things on credit cards and we are trying to live within our means." I in turn, got angry and said, "it just keeps getting worse! We keep cutting back and cutting back. If it's so bad, then why isn't anyone doing anything about it?" I know that was rude of me and I shouldn't have said that. But I've been stressed about the family's finances for a while. It keeps getting more and more budgeted and it's to the point where we can't go to the grocery store? If we can't live off the income we are getting, why isn't anyone getting a better paying job? I know it's not that easy, but at what point is something going to change? And as you can probably imagine, things between me and her just went downhill from there.

That being said, I have dealt with some severe OCD. And OCD symptoms get worse under stress. I can feel symptoms beginning to rear up. That scares me. I am stressed because I don't want to tell my therapist about it. It's another story completely but I don't like my therapist. I like my old one. I am going back to the old one once the school year ends. If I bring up my issues now, I am afraid that transition is going to be postponed. So I don't have anyone to talk about my OCD with.

I am stressed at school. I also have ADHD. I recently switched my medication from brand name to generic because it was cheaper. See? Another money thing. It isn't effective and I'm falling behind in school. I am super confused and lost in many of my classes. I don't know what to do because I don't think my parents will want me to go back on the brand name now that they know there is a cheaper version. I also go to a private high school that costs $25,000+ a year. I am only there with the help of financial aid and scholarship money. I am surrounded by rich girls. I feel like constant pressure to maintain this persona of someone who fits in. Who can talk about shoes and clothing brands and boy drama. It's getting so hard to fit in.

I'm stressed because of swimming. I swim competitively and the deal was I would pay for part of the participation fees. I have no job and I have no source of income. My parents keep telling me to get a job because they want me to pay up. I have applied for two jobs and am waiting to hear back. I don't know what else to do. My parents keep pulling the "well if you had a job, you could pay for that" card every time I ask for something now. That stresses me out and makes me angry.

I'm stressed because of driving. My parents want me to take my drivers test. But drivers ed costs about 700$. I want to drive. But they always talk about how short money is. I don't know what to do. Then they get mad at me for not being more motivated to take my test and "get more independent".

See? Stress is everywhere. I don't like how my parents have made all of their financial problems my problems. It shouldn't affect me. I don't think it's a good thing for a parent to let their child know about financial issues. The child can't do anything about it. It stresses me out. I feel really triggered after today's argument because I feel like my parent's job is to provide for me and let me deal with the stresses of being a high schooler and a kid my age. Not burden me with their monetary issues.

I guess my question for all of you out there. If you're a parent, do you talk to your kids about the financial status or not? If you were to, or do, how do you approach it? I'm feeling affected by it all and I don't know how to respond. I just need some advice... Thanks...

Yes, lack of money is a big stressor. I am wondering if your parents had some big financial loss and that's why they had to move and are now really tight with their money. (I know folks who lost a lot in the stock market, for example. ) And they are trying, albeit without success, to keep their money worries from you.

I honestly think most parents try to do the best they can for their kids. As a mom myself, I am thinking your parents are trying to give you good things. Wow, a private school? Most kids would be thrilled for that opportunity. I can understand why you would feel upset that now you can't have all the expensive things the other kids there have, but...... Would you rather go to a public school?

And getting a job would be helpful to you in more ways than one, if you can get one. Jobs help us to mature, allow us to see what our skills and interests are, give us something to put on a resume, and of course, allow us to have some money. I'm not sure I see your parents as being mean or wrong in asking you to see about getting one. I know some parents will not buy their kids something like expensive (name brand) shoes unless the kids contribute money toward the cost, if only by earning it by doing chores.

Please remember that you are used to living a grander lifestyle than many folks, so you are seeing the belt-tightening as really difficult to adjust to. A number of kids have always had to live on a tight budget.

That's my two cents' worth, anyway, as the parent of two young adults. I suggest you try to cooperate with your parents. (I know that's not likely what you wanted to hear, though! )

P.S. One day I was walking behind one of my sons, and it dawned on me that all the clothes I had on were from thrift stores or K-Mart (seriously), while he was wearing all Ralph Lauren attire. (Well, at least we got most of the items from TJ Maxx or some discount place!) And he was texting on his smart phone, while I was getting by with a basic cell phone.

But I am used to living a very modest lifestyle, so I don't feel deprived at all.....Please consider that. Okay?

Getting to your question, yes, we have talked to our sons about our financial situation. Perhaps if your parents haven't brought the issue up, then you can approach them about it with concern and caring. I doubt they are just trying to make your life difficult, but they really wish things could be better for you, like they were before.

You CAN get a job. You CAN not bother them about clothes and junk food. They are NOT life necesities. You CAN appreciate the fact the whole world is in finantial crisis. If it's problem for you to get part time low skilled job, imagine how difficult is for parents to get a high paying job that would pay the expenses of what sounds as upper upper class lifestyle that you used to have...

Imho, they are not putting it on you... but if they don't have the money, they don't have it. Only way to keep it from you would to rack up debt on their credit cards...

I come from lower middle class and I lived with "if you want this, then you have to give up something else" my whole life. I still know I have it better than many.

Parents are providing you. Even with *private* high school. You have more then many have. And you are old enough to try not to make it harder for your parents. They aren't probably happy with the situation either.

I am not trying to be mean. Yes, it sucks that your life is not as what it used to be. But it's not the end of the world. Arguing with parents and being bitter will not make it better. Try to make best of the situation. Maybe you can even learn from mistakes parents might have made.

I'm from a working class family. Almost the working poor, but not quite. But low enough that I qualified for the maximum amount of student aid.

A private school? Medication? Therapy?

That is where your parent's money is going. It is already going to you.

My parents couldn't even afford to take my cat to the vet when I was 11.. she'd been missing for two weeks, and when she miraculously came home.. you could see the bone sticking out of her leg. Fortunately it had been a clean break. and somehow it healed... but 11 year old me had to watch and hope that my cat wouldn't die. Thank goodness she did - I'd already had depression and being suicidal arrive in my life and I probably would not have been able to handle it!

It's hard to make adjustments. Change is tough, and stressful. But remind yourself of where your parents money is already going - directly to you!

It doesn't sound like there are many options for your family. You could, like they suggest, start looking for a job. You could quit the swim team to help save a bit of money. You could also try going to a public school - they aren't all as horrendous as some people who've never gone to them make them out to be. And it would alleviate the pressure to fit in with your peers whom you don't feel you fit in with. And that would save a ton of money, even if you are getting by with some scholarships. Would it add a new kind of stress? Sure. You'd be in a new school. But would the extra money at home help out or is staying in that school more worthwhile?

Really, there are quite a few options. They're just scary. Your parents have already made their decisions - that they'll tighten things up in all the ways they can... but they're still paying for your therapy, and they still paid for your time in residential (even though you had a horrendous time with that), and they pay for your medication, and your education, and they still pay for your swimming, and I bet that they plan to pay for your post-secondary education as well.

Your parents' financial issues are your issues - they could save themselves loads of money except that they are trying to maintain the lifestyle you're used to. My parents made, at their high point, about $40,000 a year. Combined. And that was at a time when USA dollars were about 1.5x more than Canadian dollars.

And you aren't really a child. You're 17. Legally still a minor, and you're still THEIR child. But you are more than old enough to be able to understand finances and to be able to help with making cutbacks to save those.

It also doesn't sound like they're burdening you at all - they've just been making it clear that they can't afford all the things that you're wanting, even if they're things that you've always been used to. They're just being honest with WHY they're saying no to you. And asking you to start looking for a job is totally reasonable especially when they've just asked you to start paying for your own hobbies and interests.

Like I get it's stressful... but you need to try looking at it through differet perspectives, as that will help you. And I don't even mean looking at it through the perspective of someone who's lived a less financially stable life (although that could sure help too). I just mean to look at it through your parent's perspective. Look at where they've put their priorities - all on you! You're asking for more than they can give you, and you aren't helping give to yourself. Where else does their money go?

I'm a parent and yes as a single mother I've had to explain to my 10y.o that no I don't make as much money as I used to.

I'm not burdening her with my financial issues, I'm explaining that I'm not being mean when I say "no" to an elaborate birthday celebration.

What she doesn't need to know is that I am infact struggling to cover her basic needs. That would be burdening her with my financial issues since she's too young to get a job and help me out.

My daughter has handled my brokeassness with finesse though.
Because she's not here I gladly take full credit

As was mentioned above, you are not a child and you are by no means too young to understand financial matters. You know money doesn't grow on trees, you know the difference between wants and needs, so you should also know that as long as your parents are providing your needs, you cannot fault them. They are doing their job as parents to the best of their ability under these circumstances, and sadly you *****ing about junk food doesn't exactly help with how they have been trying to adjust and keep your lifestyle as normal as possible.

You are not the only one in your family feeling the pinch, I imagine your parents have cut a lot of their personal expenses to ensure that you have what you need and then some. So yes, money affects the entire household, you think you're stressed? Imagine how your parents must feel?? And then for you to throw their concerted efforts back in their face with your ungrateful attitude???

To me knowing that I was doing everything to keep my child's life as "normal" as possible under the circumstances and then to be *****ed out over something trivial, would be VERY hurtful.

I mean really you got upset over a grocery run??? Its not like they're NOT buying groceries and making you eat cardboard, and as you're so apt to forget, they've had to adjust to buying less groceries at a time too. Just like you used to ask for anything and mommy would buy it, mommy would buy anything for herself and the household too. So imagine how hard it is for her when she is now the one having to double check her bank balances before purchasing.

As mentioned before keep applying for jobs so that you can provide for your own selfish wants.

I have no doubt that once you have a job and actually grasp how much things cost in comparison to what people actually earn, that you will have a newfound respect for your parents.

BTW I was a teen when my dad lost a shitloada cash and we had to downscale alot. They luckily (barely) kept me at my good arts school, but I basically went from rich b1tch to budget babe in 60 seconds flat.

It was traumatizing in the sense that something significant changed overnight, but in no way was I worse off and I tried to handle it as maturely as possible and adapted without *****ing about suddenly being "poor".

I wasn't trying to come off as mean or harsh... but you certainly sound like a petulant child who is in need of a reality check, because at age 17, you are FARRR too old for that gig. I hope I provided it and that you can welcome it with an open and mature mind.

No, money can't buy happiness, but if there is a problem that you can throw money at and fix it, well, that's the best kind of problem to have - especially if you have the money.

The way I see it is that there are two things in your power to do that will get you out of your situation: want less or earn more.

I see a lot of people in my life that believe they are entitled to things simply because they want them. In general, those are a very unhappy lot because life doesn't work that way at all. If we are lucky we get what we earn.

The power to help yourself out of this solution is well within your grasp.

FWIW I don't think that you are spoiled necessarily, just unaccustomed to the idea that you can fix your own life. It's more a function of your age than anything. It'll be okay.

Want less or earn more. You can do it.

It's a hard adjustment to make, but I think it's important to understand they are still helping you any way they can. They're sending you to a private school. They're paying for your medication. I don't think they are unnecessarily putting stress on you by telling you "we can't afford that right now". Imagine how much stress they must be under?

They want to provide you with the best they can, and I think right now what you think is "the best they can" is more superficial things. If they are still putting food on the table, what does it matter that they don't spend $250 at one time at the grocery store? Or that they're not buying "junk food"? Those are luxuries to some people and not necessary.

As for the job, it is entirely reasonable for them to expect you to pay for some things that you want. It's not that they're being mean to you, they're trying to teach you the value of a dollar and teaching you to grow up. I had a job when I was a teenager and at the time I didn't need one, but I still worked. Personally, I was excited to have my own money. They are trying to teach you to be responsible. If you really want things in life, you have to earn them. So if you want more things, then instead of just 2 applications and waiting to hear back from them, apply everywhere you can and send out more than just 2 applications.

I just think that they're doing the best they can and it's probably not easy for them either. Think about how they must feel---they could provide you with anything you wanted before and now they can't. So take it easy with them. They still have the money to send you to private school and pay for your meds. And as a side note, I take generic ADHD meds..and they work just fine..If you didn't know, most insurances don't pay for brand name if there is a generic available, and it is very expensive for brand names, and if they do pay for a part of it--it's just that--a part of the cost and the majority of the cost falls on the consumer. If your ADHD meds are not working as well, talk to your doctor instead. Maybe there needs to be an adjustment.

I can understand feeling stressed about this, and I'm sorry it is such as adjustment for you, but I don't think they're placing unnecessary stress on you. They're just telling you they can't afford the lifestyle you used to have.

Sorry for taking so long to respond. I know it's no excuse for acting like a spoiled brat (which I was) but I was having a stressful day. I've been thinking about all of your replies (thanks for your insight) and it really has given me some perspective.

In response to whoever thought it was stupid to get triggered by a grocery run, I do realize that it was a stupid thing to flip out over. But that's what it was- a trigger. I think I've been worried about the family's financial status for a while now and I'm not doing well with not knowing exactly how bad (or not bad) things are. It's that uncertainty that worries me. I think that I was probably told no to the grocery run because it was late at night and I didn't really "need" anything. But deep down, it set me off because I wonder how bad things will/could get.

But I think the underlying issue is that I don't deal with change well. I think I have purposefully been choosing to turn a blind eye and dig my heels in when people suggest I get a job or something because I don't want to accept that things have changed. I don't want to take responsibility and get a job because I don't want to take risks and enter the "adult world". I realize that I've lived a sheltered life and I'm afraid to face the world. Blaming my parents won't help. I see that. This is my issue and I will talk about it with my therapist.

Sounds good. You should tell your parents that you're sorry you've been acting up, and see about getting a job if you can/adjust your expectations. Also, tell them you love them, they'd really appreciate it. Good luck.

Have you talked to your parents about money related concerns in circumstances other than when your were triggered or either you or them were stressed? Maybe you could could approach the topic from the angle that you are concerned for your family's well-being, and you could use the opportunity to learn about balances wants and income--because this can be a valuable lesson.

Also, it might help clarify if you really need to get a job. For some families, having additional income from a older teenaged child working means the difference paying rent/ eating and not doing so--but in other situations, the child working is just for the child's own benefit so they can have spending or saving money (which has a lot of benefits, don't get me wrong). But work, especially on school nights, can take away from time you need to study. If it might hurt your grades, working might not be a great idea. I don't know what your future plans are, but doing well in school and having extra curricular activities are important for college. Striking a balance here is important.