Why do I behave differently than my internal self?

on the outside i try to put forward an optimist, always happy trying to do anything and everything for everyone...

on the inside i feel very much pain and suffering.. i even have dialogs with myself of why i have what seems to be 2 different personalities?

its just confusing and slowing down my progress... sometimes i wish i could shoot the nice guy so the real me can be expressed hehe...

why is this..? i feel i can put forward the real me over the computer, as in here on these forums but i still "sugar coat" things...?

"sigh"

I can tell you that saying what you want to say to the world, at least in my experience, doesn't work. The world doesn't care how you feel or who you really are. That's why I myself hide behind the nice guy. If you've got a support structure that consists of "emotional vampires" then it's that much worse because they only want the positives.

The best thing I can offer is to find a "soft spot to land". Someone you can go to that supports you and offers you an ear.

Oh, and I saw in your signature that you're on Cymbalta and can't afford it. Try switching to Venlafaxine. It's an SSNRI like Cymbalta, but you can get it generic for a fraction of the cost. I was on Cymbalta and couldn't afford it and Venlafaxine has worked just as well for me at literally 10% of the cost.

Venlafaxine = effexor right? i was thinking about that as well... i wonder if it would work :/ only one way to find out hehe

thanks for the reply, sometimes i just want to hide but i dont have anywhere to hide because those "vampires" are everywhere in my life; i dont really have a soft spot to land anymore.. feel pretty trapped

is this multiple personalities? or is it something everyone experiences on a certain level?

Yep, Venlafaxine is the generic name for Effexor.

I understand the feeling about being surrounded by people that are sucking up your emotional strength also. I wish I had some good advice on how to get out of that trap, but I'm trying to figure it out myself. I don't actually think it has anything to do with multiple personalities, just the difference between our inner dialog and what we choose to show the world.

Its called the false self. You build it to please mummy because your true self isnt acceptable - thats who is depressed. Google false self or winnicott.

thats some powerful stuff hankster, thanks

hope you figure it out soon webgoji, and lemme know what it is! if i figure it out ill let you know as well

Its really hard living this way, i know. I feel like i lived my whole life saying, or thinking, this isnt my real life, im really interested in a, b, c - not def. Im not this person! I feel like lately ive become more myself.

HOLY COW!! That's the most amazing thing I've ever read!

So ... what happens when that false self starts to collapse? I read that it is maladaptive and works to "please and protect the system".

Dr. Tian Dayton: Creating A False Self: Learning To Live A Lie

Is it the true self leaning forward and saying, "You can't keep this up"? Or is it just the false self becoming frustrated because it can't keep everyone happy?

Here's something amazing I found about that whole false self concept:

Modern Psychoanalysis: The False Self

That thing about producing shock because the individual doesn't live up to the high hopes of others is what I'm going through right now. Everyone is stunned that I would be suicidal, that I'm not a successful engineer, that I'm destroying myself! They don't see how it could be possible since I was such a "knight in shining armor". Hell, my wife keeps wanting the old Webgoji back.

There was no old Webgoji! Just a facade I created years ago to deal with reality!

It could be that on the inside you are very hurt and angry from past trauma and need to deal with that Have you tried a therapist. I hope the best for you kp

I hear ya. I used to joke back in 1973 when i started working that i was going to quit in 7 years to write the great american novel, "i used to be a computer programmer". What a long strange ride its been!! (Apologies to that 70s show!)

It's very common, we're social creatures and we aim to please, especially if we perceive us not at the top of the ladder. People rather die than upset. Planes have crashed because the copilot was too polite to correct the captain. That is how powerful social pressure is.

If we live where bad feelings are not allowed we wont show them. We'd rather keep them to ourselves even if we're dying inside.

It takes a lot of courage to "be yourself".

Yep, I'm mostly a fake shell for others. Even when I feel like I'd rather be dead, people still think I'm happy. The rare time I let someone know that I'm feeling really depressed, they're always shocked with it and then list off all the things about me that are good. Really now, do they think I'm stupid too? I KNOW what I've done with my life. And it's all been forced just to fit in with what everyone considers to be normal! I don't even know what's authentically me anymore.