I just returned from a cheap vacation intended to give me some much needed rest after the death of a parent who I had to care take for several months. I did not have a good time.

The hotel room had a full length mirror and I was able to see just how unattractive I am. I did not succeed in getting people to talk with me. True, I could be in better shape and lose some weight but this has been a life long problem. Even when I was young and fit there were few takers. Often, those who expressed interest were people I had nothing in common with; there was no common bond.

I am gay but do not like or fit in with the gay community. I don't find acceptance among heterosexuals either. So, I am alone all the time. There seems to be no antidote. I am so lonesome I could literally die. Lately, I want to be dead - it appeals to me.

I don't know how or am unable to play. Another lifelong problem. I don't even like sex. I had to give up sports due to bad feet. I can't drink alcohol due to epilepsy. I do not smoke or do drugs. I don't want to be a gym bunny. Years ago that got me nowhere.

I am an old, unattractive loser. I don't see my life getting any better. Therapy has not helped in the least. Never has.

[Perna]

We talk to you here, online, unguy. Not the same but maybe you could take an online college course in a subject you faintly have an interest in? I've been wandering around online college since around 2001, getting degrees, "meeting" people online and even getting to meet many in person. Having an online relationship can help when meeting people offline, I have found. It's still scary meeting the people in person but over the years I have "practiced" online and I'm brave so I have learned to take more chances over the years and give up on my looks, just accept it will be okay, that there's more here than just my looks.

Find an interest, unguy, and claim it? It's sad and even depressing but also freeing when our parents die. We're our own people now for the next 20-40 years. Everyone has likes and dislikes, work toward some of the likes. Congratulations on having taken yourself off on "vacation", I'm sorry it was so lonely for you. What would you have done differently if you had been able to plan/execute the vacation for you? For example, some of the group tours I've been on had a beginning group dinner party so we could all get to know one another a little. Maybe where you vacationed would have been different if it were a little more informal? What would you have changed? Have you ever belonged to a group like Toastmasters? Tried karaoke? The bar my husband and I go to in Florida has karaoke nights but the people are our age and there for the singing (and eating) not necessarily for drinking, a lot of older people can no longer drink.

Thanks, Perna. I am in a really, really bad way right now. My c-PTSD is raging. I am so angry at a former employer who gives all former employees negative reviews so that no one will hire them. I get too upset to even write a complaint. I have spoken with attorneys but they do not want my case. I am sick over this. I need money to live and do the things I want and need to do. I have never earned a lot and have had a very sad life. I don't need this evil person to continue to ruin my life. I don't seem to be able to move forward. I have also had several bad job experiences since. I am so unattractive that people see my as less than human. I seem to have always been treated like that - even by my mother.

I have considered taking college courses but no online because I need to get out of my apartment. Every time I went to college I was not popular due a lot to anti-gay discrimination and for being a goody two-shoes. I just like to follow instructions but it gets me no where socially.

Karoake is not for me. Sorry. I have not been able to find a new interest since my feet and arm gave out and had to give up tennis. That was the only thing that I really enjoyed. Due to anxiety issues (and problems with blinking lights due to epilepsy), I don't enjoy bars.

I needed a better vacation than the one I took. I went to a casino because they are cheap. My passport had expired so I could not do an overseas tour. I seem to have very little in common with Americans even though I am one. I think I would be out of place where ever I went in the USA. Maybe I should join the Peace Corps?

Being gay is awful. I know there isn't one but I need a cure. It does not work for me at all. Never will. I will be asking to change counselors this week. My current one is not good enough. I want my life to be over. I am almost unable to leave my apartment out of dread. I want to be a goner.

[AAAAA]

Unguy

I'm sorry that you are in a bad way right now. The mountain that you must climb is huge. There is a lot of negativity in your post, but most of it is from you hon. Before you can expect anyone else on the planet to love, respect, and accept you, you must first do those things for yourself.

It doesn't make it any easier, but please know that the feelings that you are having are not unique. We've all felt this way from time to time.

When I was young I met this boy that most people would consider extremely unattractive. And truth be told upon first meeting I too passed that judgment. Once I got to know him, I saw HIM. He was a beautiful person. I remember being surprised when an acquaintance commented on his appearance.

By the same token when I was 20 something I met a woman that I thought was the most beautiful person I'd ever seen. I was enthralled with her for about 20 seconds. That's how long it took to discover how ugly she was on the inside. She was mean, spiteful, and shallow. Again, after I'd gotten to know her (I had no choice in the matter) I was surprised when someone commented on how beautiful she was. What? Have you looked at her? All of those perfect features took on another appearance when you knew her. The irony of the situation was that she had been blessed with all of the attributes that society deems attractive, but she needed to make other people feel bad to feel better about herself.

Originally Posted by AAAAA

I'm sorry that you are in a bad way right now. The mountain that you must climb is huge. There is a lot of negativity in your post, but most of it is from you hon. Before you can expect anyone else on the planet to love, respect, and accept you, you must first do those things for yourself.

I have no idea how to do that. I have asked T's repeatedly and they don't answer. For years I tried to be gay. It did not work out. I found no acceptance. The scene was too wild for me.

I have little control over my life - I cannot be the person that I want to be. I cannot live the life that I want to live. Being gay is awful. I would not wish it upon anyone. It has made things more complicated than I am capable of dealing with. Try to be friendly and everyone (gay and straight) thinks you want to sleep with them. Not true in my case; I just want to be friends. I am so tired of being treated badly. It happens over and over and over. I no longer attempt to socialize.

I hate my body too. There are so many foods I do not tolerate that eating is not enjoyable. There are also few beverages I can drink since I cannot have sugar or acidic ones. My body is not attractive. I am so bald there's nothing that can be done. I hate it. There is nothing to be happy about. There is nothing I can do to make my life better. Accepting that I am a miserable, unhappy, unattractive person will not make my life any better.