Unable to love?

I'm really at a loss with this, and have been for two decades.

When you see friends, family, or even pets, it is supposed to trigger recognition, and that recognition is supposed to trigger an emotional response. This happens even if it's only photos or video you're seeing. I experience the recognition part, but it feels like the emotional response that gets triggered is only a 1 or 2, if it happens at all.

When one of my friends died in a car accident I didn't feel any way about it. My other friends and I were trying to find out what happened to her, what hospital she was taken to, but to me it was like a puzzle to be solved. I wasn't worried about her, afraid, sad... nothing. When we spoke with a police officer and he said he needed to tell the family before he told us, I knew that meant she had died, yet it entered my mind like mere information. It didn't make me feel anything.

The same thing happened when my Grandmother was dying. She had been a fantastic grandparent to my sister and I. Very good to both of us, never did anything to harm us, and even lived with us for a couple years. Yet when she was dying there was nothing... even years later I still haven't ever felt any way about it. In fact, as disgusting as it sounds, near the end I remember wishing it would just hurry up and happen because it was disrupting normal everyday life for everyone.

It's not just around death though. One of my neighbours used to invite me over to watch movies. He was an older guy whose children had grown up and moved out of the country, so I think he and his wife were lonely. I didn't mind going over because the movies were ones I had been wanting to see. However, before and after the movies he would want to talk, and one time in particular he shared a really personal story about himself and began getting emotional. Rather than a normal person's empathetic response, what went through my mind at that moment was "Wow, he really trusts me. How can I use that?"

The thought surprised me with how blunt it was, but I wasn't surprised at all by the lack of empathy. When I see people crying, even if it's people who I should be close to (like a parent or friend) I don't experience the desire to console them. Instead, it's like I'm irritated or put off by it and lose respect for them. I know that's not what you're supposed to feel.

None of this is to say that I never experience emotion though. I still get happy, mad, or feel down at times. It just seems like I can't feel anything when it comes to others If that makes sense.

Much of my childhood is blocked out so I can't really say for sure if it's always been this way, but I know that I had always treated my friends as though they were disposable. The lack of empathy certainly became more apparent when I was around 12... though perhaps I just began noticing it more, because that was the age you're supposed to start being interested in relationships. Twelve was the age when the abuse I was going through became much worse, so I don't know if this is really who I am, or if it's PTSD from that abuse. Or it could even have been caused by a surgery I had at that same age. During the surgery the blood to my brain was accidentally blocked off for a brief period, and the surgeon was sweating about it when I came to.

But does what I described sound like anyone else?
If so, do you know why you are that way?

When I think about it I feel like I'm an alien stranded around a species that experiences life differently from me

That's a complex post and I don't think I'm equipped to respond in a way that would be helpful. I can tell you that I have days that I am emotionally blunt. Other days I feel so much love that I can barely contain it. I'm not sure but I think I may have always been this way. That may help you to feel less alien If I knew the reasons for this it would probably be much more useful. Personally I can readily feel much more love and empathy for animals than for humans. I don't even understand mine so how could I hope to understand and help yours.

I know that I have a lot of love in me for my loved ones and people. I've just felt so rejected all my life, it feels like everyone rejects the love I have, and rejects loving me in return. I don't understand this

So when were you diagnosed with PTSD? Have you worked with a therapist for the PTSD?

If you suffered from abuse at an early age it is possible that you unknowingly developed ways to distance yourself from others to self protect. Your ability to form attachments for others may have been disrupted if you suffered enough abuse as well.

It is something you should explore with a psychologist. One of the symptoms of PTSD is "avoiding" reminders of trauma/traumas so
if someone who was supposed to "care and love you" hurt you, it may not
be so much that you don't have empathy as much as you avoid it.

Over 12 years back during a court case with one of my abusers I was sent to probably half a dozen or so different individuals for my mental state. That was when I was told I had PTSD and social anxiety, and I worked with them a bit but never really clicked with any of them. I wound up stopping going after making no progress and getting derailed from my career path due to some disastrous art therapy

I did experience a fair amount of abuse growing up (from multiple individuals) which goes back to my earliest memories, but even at the age of 5 or 6 my parents were confused by how I could just drop people and forget about them. I have a mistrust of people, but even with pets which should be 'safe' to feel love for, even then I can't connect. Like some people live for their pets... they're really close. For me though, I like them yet if taking care of them became a hassle I could easily give them away or have them put down. It's as though I can't form those emotional bonds that are supposed to develop alongside the recognition.

Last year I had asked my doctor for a referral to a psychiatrist, but I'm still waiting for one to become available. Honestly though I'm worried about going there again because of what's been happening at the border lately. People have been getting turned away at the border due to past mental health issues, like having been hospitalized for depression...

Do some research on antisocial personality disorder, which is closely linked with sociopathy and psychopathy. The number one, defining characteristic of a psychopath is exactly what you describe - a complete lack of empathy. Also relevant is the ability to form close/loving relationships with others. Especially relevant is your description of how all you could think of was how you could personally benefit from your neighbour's trust in his time of need - very predatory.

Psychopaths are "wired" differently from non-psychopaths - they see how other people have relationships of a type they can never hope to understand. Being a psychopath is not necessarily as Hollywood portrays it - you're not like Hannibal Lector and you're not going to start chopping people up. Hopefully not, anyway. But you definitely sound like a textbook psychopath to me.

Wouldn't a sociopath not know that's an unusual reaction to have though?

When the thought popped into my head I knew that's not what how people are supposed to react, and I didn't act on it. In fact I'd even done some free work for the guy at an earlier point, not bothering to chase after him for the pay he had promised me because it wasn't over much money, the work hadn't taken much effort, and I didn't want the awkward hassle.

I was just surprised at the how detached the thought was... there wasn't any attempt by my mind to sugarcoat it. It was as though we were playing chess and he'd just made his move, and now I was looking at the pieces to build my strategy.

This sounds like me too…I don't believe in unconditional love…you either use the other person and throw them away when you're done or you get used yourself. And I tend to disregard morals when they get in the way of what I want. I just thought I was cynical and without well defined morals, but I never thought of myself as a psychopath. Then again, the only reason I've never hurt anyone is because there's laws against it and not because of morality…so maybe I am.

The odd thing is I can sort of still feel emotions and can at least care about someone I have a "crush" on…but who knows if it's it's just lust and caring about them because I find them useful in some way. But then, I want to be able to love and be loved, so I don't know what that means. I guess it's important to ask yourself if you want to be able to love or if you're fine with the way things are. Who cares if it's "normal" or not? It's only a problem if you want to be able to love…or as close to it as you can.

But you're certainly not alone. I think there's quite a few of us out there…people just don't like admitting to it. But that's just a guess.

There's a recent thread in the antisocial personality disorder forum about why psychopaths and sociopaths seek help and whether or not they know they are different. From what I can tell, they are fully aware that they and their behaviour are different from neurotypicals but they don't care. They seem to revel in the differences and believe that their cold calculating ways make them superior.

Even the most extreme, criminal, psychopaths realize that some actions are acceptable by society and/or seen as normal, and others not, otherwise they would not try to and be successful in concealing their crimes.

Psychopathy is a spectrum disorder, like autism. It's not black and white; it's not like you have to be either Mother Teresa or Son of Sam - there are varying degrees. I guess in some people some traits are more prominent than others. Lack of empathy is the defining trait, though, as far as I know.

Good point.

I hadn't seen that there was an antisocial personality disorder forum... going to have to take a look and see what kind of things posters are saying there. There had been some talk in the past about me perhaps being schizoid, but not the antisocial one. If I find myself agreeing with the views and modes of thought of diagnosed individuals than I might bring it up with my GP next time I see him.

Good luck. I wouldn't expect a GP to have anything greater than a layman's knowledge of psychology... but persevere!

Sociopaths and psychopaths have learned to blend in better these days. They watch others their whole lives and see others reactions. They know what they are supposed to feel and have become amazing at replicating the look even though they don't feel it.

Me I couldn't give a damn if my family were Killed, they mean nothing to me. I wish I could do it but keep my distance. I have zero contact since they make me lose control. Plus the idea of being in a cage enrages me.