[MH-Sakura]

I hope I'm in the right forum because i honestly don't know what's going on right now. My main concern right now, is that i don't feel like I belong on this world. I feel like my mom is someone else who i hear sometimes in my head. I might want to say that sometimes i hear voices. They've always been inside my head, and one of them is really gentle and kind. But last summer these really horrible voices started saying mean things about me. They haven't re-appeared in a while though.

I thought that maybe i was "disassociating" but i don't feel like that describes me too well. Everything about the world just seems wrong to me and that things should be different. Sometimes i get the urge for the mother in my head to take me away to my real world.

I also seem to get very paranoid of people. As soon as i see any chance of a friendship with someone I feel the need to jump right in and then share so much with them. I even had a relationship with some older guy when i was 14, which kinda screwed me up. It was online and he was all the way in America though. But recently i had the chance to talk to a transgender person (I'm transgender btw.) And all of a sudden I was sharing so much, I got really depressed cause she didn't want to be my friend and I failed all of my exams in school. I just really have no idea what's going on. I feel really messed up, and the whole feeling like I'm in the wrong world with a family that i don't feel is mine makes me feel really isolated. Sorry for the jumping around, but I'm really confused about all this and was hoping someone could relate and tell me something about all of these feeling I'm having.

[Frankbtl]

Hi MH, it sounds like you've had a lot to cope with lately and are struggling to "make sense" of things?
As for the sharing things with people so easily do you think that maybe you're grasping onto "connections" when a lot of the rest of what's going on for you seems a bit uncertain, isolating? Maybe you're feeling vulnerable, alone, silenced and needing to let things out or to pull someone who might be.....closer?
And you know, it is really good that you've felt that you could tell people so much in a way. But you are right, that it's maybe too much, too soon, and obviously sometimes with the wrong people. Then you have identified that, so that's a big step towards changing it!!
If you can monitor a little more what you feel would be "appropriate" to share with who and focus on self monitoring that when you're actually about to talk to people? It might seem a little strange at first/a bit distancing but the more you're doing it........And maybe compare what they are telling you about themselves with what you're going to say to them too?? Make sure there's a bit of a balance of information sharing?
And just remember you should just have to be you for people to like you, for connections to form. You don't have to go "full steam" ahead to build those connections/to share. That can all come gradually as the friendships build/real trust takes place, and that way they are going to be that much stronger.
As for the guy on the internet though- well you already know the risks behind that don't you? I know that they can kind of fade into the background when.........it does happen a lot. But at least now you're in a better position to protect yourself from anything like that and you're going to be more clued up on the signs when it comes to other people, as painful as I'm sure it was. Reading into it though you might want to talk a bit more about it and how it effected you to someone you can trust though, do you think?
And I can understand you feeling depressed after the "transgendered person" didn't want to be your friend, afterall you maybe felt that you had linked in with someone in the same position as you, someone you thought would understand you?? and you had let out a lot of things that you wouldn't as freely tell someone else? Maybe felt you could trust them?
But, maybe try not to see it so much as personal? Them not wanting to be your friend says as much about them as about you. Maybe they felt that you both didn't really have as much in common/much that gelled. Now that doesn't make you "less", that just makes you both different. And there's nothing at all wrong with being "too" different than someone else to have a real friendship with, because there will be other people you do have more of a connection with who will really like you for who you just the way you are. And they will be much more important in your life than you thought this person would be.
It does sound like the depression afterwards kind of spiraled though and maybe I'd be telling you to discuss it with a doctor (maybe not......?) but the main thing is.........you know I really would say you should discuss the voices you've been hearing with a doctor.
May not turn out to be anything major depending on where they're coming from, how they're appearing, but I'd really say that it's not worth the risk of leaving them unchecked. And at the same time you could be discussing some of the other feelings of depression (?), slight disassociating (?).............with them too. It really is your well-being that matters above anything else, so whatever it takes that's got to be a priority. Time to put yourself first, and "leave no stone unturned"!!
Alison

[MH-Sakura]

Thanks for the reply. The only thing is I've been feeling like this my whole life, it's not something that only appeared recently. It's so hard to explain too lol. I agree with what you said about sharing things with people. It's so hard though to be around people. I get kinda clingy and desperate. About the guy on the internet, I have kinda talked to other people about it but I usually get the exact same response of that the internet is a dangerous place. With the transgendered person I kinda just wanted to have a friend, someone who could help me in a moment of need. But i got shot down completely. But yeah i guess i shouldn't blame her for not wanting to be my friend, although she showed no interest at all, and never really asked me anything about me. She acted more as if she was a resource than anything else. I already have a therapist right now who I talk to, but seeing as she's a public therapist I have to wait weeks between visits. About the voices, I'll consider telling someone about them.

[Frankbtl]

Hi MH, thanks for getting back!!
Now this is just a thought......but have you thought about the types of people you're trying to connect with/build friendships with/share with? You do sound like the type of person who can "give it their all" if there's a "maybe".
Now there are plenty of people out there who may find it hard to "come out of themselves" in general, who may be a little hesitant socially, who may feel a little "out of place", who may have had/have difficulties, who really need (more?) people in their life/a friend, someone who's going to go that "extra mile"/break down barriers like I'm thinking you've got the ability to do. If you're able to go out there and just share then that can make a big difference to someone and you're going to be interested in them as well, right?
Which might take away some of that desperation/clingyness because you're going to know, if it's all good, that you are both giving each other something real.
And then maybe increasing your "circle" of friends can continue from there?
Anyway...just a thought.....
About the guy on the internet though, I'm sure it's so obvious to people (and you too now!!) that the internet can be a "dangerous" place. But you were 14!! You had a "gap" that nothing/no-one else was filling right then, you found yourself in the middle of it all (didn't plan it but.......), thought you found someone who was/could give you.............., you were vulnerable. So don't take any responsibility for anything that went on, if you are or other people are making you think that!!.
But you are "older and wiser" now so you know that you weren't at fault in any way, but you aren't going to find yourself "there again", right?? If you want to talk about it more though.............
The transgendered person.......I know it must have been a real "let down", but you are going to find less sensitive, understanding, caring or approachable people in all walks of life e.g gay, straight, bi, male, female, old, young.........The positive though is that you are going to, just as equally, find people who are going to be...... sensitive, understanding, caring or approachable in those exact same circles. So maybe if not this time, then it will happen another time.
It is good you've got a therapist though, if not so good that you have to wait weeks to see them. But maybe use some of the time in between to write down some of your feelings/things going on for you, so you can give them a clearer picture when you see/speak to them next???
Alison

[MH-Sakura]

Well I tend to connect with people who can relate to me, whether it's through interests or similar experiences. I'm a pretty big introvert to be honest, I'm scared of people rejecting me which happens a lot. Right now I don't really have anyone. I have one friend but she's got things going on so she can't really talk to me. That being said my paranoia tends to kick in and i think she's just bored or frustrated speaking to me. I think maybe if i could get a stable relationship for once my clingyness might go away. Not too sure.

Oh no one says that guy on the internet was my fault. They just keep saying that the internet is dangerous and like, i know that now obviously lol.

I don't think them being transgender even mattered that much to me, it was that it was a chance of friendship, but well you can see how that ended up. I've just had really bad experiences with people.

Yeah I was thinking of writing down some stuff. not even for anyone else to read, more for myself, if that makes any sense.