I am obsessed...

With figuring out what is wrong with me and labeling myself. My mind tells me I can't make progress without understanding the problem first. I was going down one path with my T, and then my crazy experience with the pdoc has me going down another path.

I don't know if I'm BP, PPD, NPD, IED, SPD, SAD or what?!

Maybe my mind is playing tricks on me and I don't have any of these disorders, maybe it's all in my head! The wait and frustration is driving me crazy!

I'm totally obsessed with figuring it out. I spend hours a day at work taking different screening tests. When my primary care physician said that I'm probably BP, I was obsessed with taking self-tests on that, and I seemed to fit the bill. My T and I were going down that road, and talking about things that also fit that bill. But when I finally saw my Pdoc, she suggested personality disorders are more likely, and maybe I'm actually just depressed because of them. This is the third time I've switched meds now, (Now on Effexor and Depakote ER) and I've never received a definitive diagnosis.

BP screening tests online suggest BP. Personality Disorder online tests suggest Paranoia. But are these results simply skewed because I'm freaking out right now?

How do we effectively treat the problem without knowing what it is? This goes against my nature. I am an engineer by profession and am very analytical and methodical in my personality. In my line a work I can't solve a problem without knowing what the problem is.

I know this isn't an exact science, but wouldn't a little more research be done, than just an hour long visit before prescribing meds?

I can't take this. The confusion, the changes, the volitality...the uncertainty of it all.

Pug the online tests you are taking to find your diagnosis for yourself, don’t put to much faith in them, they are but a brief outline, and not definitive, and easily manipulated. I know this is hard but wait to find out what your doc says, you are stressing yourself out with this, and the more tests you take the more convinced you will become that there is something else wrong with you other than depression, not good.

To answer one of your concerns on how do you treat this, you don’t for now, you just take the prescribed meds and you leave it to the doctors and pdoc to figure out and work from there, remember they do this everyday 6 days a week so they know the signs better than anyone, and your not helping yourself with the obsessive behaviour in regards to finding a self diagnosis, stop doing that and the stress will be lessened, a bit.

In regards to meds how long have you been on them? Why have you changed them 3 times?

Hi Pug -- It can take quite a bit of fine-tuning meds for some of us to find the right mix.

As for finding your specific diagnosis, I agree with Mellors that I wouldn't put much stock in the online tests. Even when it comes to medical diagnoses, physicians don't agree -- I've been told I have fibromyalgia and that there's no such disease; that I have lupus and that I don't. I've finally decided that it doesn't matter what the symptoms are called. What matters is how they make me feel, what I can do to minimize triggers, and what I must do to get out of flares.

You will find your way with your therapist, by perception checking with others as you are doing here. Please be patient and kind to yourself. Your desire for a specific diagnosis is entirely understandable, IMHO.

I've felt screwed up to some degree my whole life, didn't go to the doc until a couple years ago after a traumatic event sent me spiraling downward.

My meds have switched three times because...

I was on Lexapro (started 2 years ago)...different doctor (I moved) said I should do Celexa (over a year ago) because it's cheaper. I made the switch...everything seemed to go ok.

6 months ago, I quit smoking...everything went ok...

2 months ago I was having a lot of trouble....uncontrollable rage, panic attacks, massive paranoia and delusional thoughts, and a lot more.

I went to see my primary care doc, I still had never seen a pdoc at this point.

Everything seemed unprovoked and he evaluated me...he suggested I may have BP. He added Valproic Acid (Depakote) to my regimen.

I started seeing a T (6-7 weeks ago). He is great and I am very greatful to be able to talk to him. In our sessions we explored some of the different aspects of BP and I kind convinced myself that's thats what it is. I started coping with BP. I was looking forward, after a long wait to finally see the pdoc (Jan 3rd) and get that re-assurance.

Visit with pdoc didn't go well at ALL. See my thread in the BP section. I just felt like a muddy mess after it. Seems like she's really adement on lumping me into a personality disorder or group of disorders. We didn't even discuss anything in detail about my younger days! We pretty much focused on the last 2 years, since I've been taking meds.

One of the things that seemed to really bother her was my slow speech and poor responses. So now, I'm on Depakote ER and Effexor, which are suppose to have less of a flattening effect.

That's what has me all confused...I'm starting to go down one path...feeling good...then BAM! There's a roadblock that sends me on a detour down another path and I don't know what to do.

With your head, I'd lean more toward the PDoc to figure it out than the general practitioner, just because he's the "specialist." But, as you say, it's not an exact science and I think, as an engineer, you're still going "at it" like it is. It's not a "problem" in the sense you're thinking of problems. It's a continuum and there is a large area, over half, on the continuum that is "acceptable" according to what you please! Were I in your shoes with your background. I'd start being "scientific" with the medicines and recording mood charts (see: http://realmentalhealth.com/bipolar/.../moodchart.pdf from http://realmentalhealth.com/bipolar/chart_mood.asp as to how they affected you (whether you personally "liked" it or found it helpful, etc.) and make lists of behaviors, thoughts, and reactions of yours you don't like, rating them on a continuum and deciding what "number" you would find acceptable and work on those behaviors, thoughts, reactions in concert with the meds to see what benefits you most. That way you don't really have to worry about what "name" they give it or if it benefits some people but not others, etc. Mood charts often are about bipolar but they can work for anything, even normal people or personality disorders, etc. Can help you and your therapist know what to concentrate on and also your psychiatrist with the meds.

Good luck with figuring out what you want to know.

Thanks Perna.

I can't get to those links now, but I will later. Their server must be down.

And...oh, I've been writing things down like crazy the last couple months.

My T has about 30 pages of my writings. And he's going to get several more I've written this morning.

Have your psychiatrist send you to a psychologist for proper testing, it will really help nail down your diagnosis. I do this everyday, and it always is helpful to the psychiatrist on my team.

It's not the disorder that needs to be considered, it's the healing..whether you know or not, you can begin getting better. Instead of focusing on the disorder, put that effort and obsession into getting better. Good luck.

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psisci said:
Have your psychiatrist send you to a psychologist for proper testing, it will really help nail down your diagnosis. I do this everyday, and it always is helpful to the psychiatrist on my team.

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My Therapist is a Licensed Psychologist with a PhD in Psychology. However, he also said to me yesterday that even though he's seen me several times now...he isn't sure of what the diagnosis should be.

Why not wait then, upon the expert's opinion, so that it can be accurate? I'm sorry for your frustration at wanting to know right now...

TC

Thanks for all the encouragement everyone. I'm feeling much better today and more at ease.

I'm glad to hear it.