Obsessed with an affair

I have been living with a situation that I can not seem to get over. I am a married man with three children. My wife and I both have good jobs and we live in a nice house with everything most people could want. We seem to get along fairly well but for some reason I have never been happy with my situation. Most of my life I have had trouble connecting with other people. I have few friends and seem to prefer keeping to myself. I feel guilty that I do not seem to be able give my family the attention they deserve. For several years I have felt so trapped and alone and dissatisfied. I keep trying to convince myself that I have so much, I should appreciate it and it should make me happy.
Six months ago a women started at my work place. She introduced her self to me and made some nice comments about me. I noticed that she was very much like me in her actions and she seemed lonely like she needed someone. I have no real friendships at work but suddenly this women and I were spending some time together talking. I really feel uncomfortable talking to most people and avoid extended interaction when I can. It was different with this women. I really wanted to be near her and talk to her. I felt such a deep connection with her. For several months we talked a lot and even went out for a drink a couple of times. She told me she did not want to have an affair with me and she did not want to be responsible for breaking up a marriage. She said if I was unhappy in my marriage, that was my problem and I should do something without bringing her into it. I have been so torn by this and it is consuming me. I think about her constantly. I am obsessed with the belief that this is the one person with whom I could connect with. I shared my feelings with her but as long as I am still married she does not want to here it. My wife found a note that I had written her and never sent. She was very hurt to find out that I really cared for another women. Without my knowledge she actually called her on the phone and told her to stay away from me. The women never came back to work after that day and I was afraid to call or talk to her. I know she never wanted to be responsible for breaking up a marriage and my wife calling her must have hurt her deeply. Seven weeks later I got a letter from her. She told me she quit because I had hurt her very badly. She was very angry with me. She made no attempt in the letter to reach out to me and I was very hurt. I wrote her a very long letter of apology and told her I loved her. I hoped that it would somehow bring her back into my life. She took my letter and put into another envelope and sent it to my wife. I intercepted it and threw it out. I feel so alone now and I have no way to proceed. I cant stop thinking about her. I am convinced that she is the only hope I have of ever being happy. My head keeps telling me to forget, to be happy with what I have but my hearts longs for the person I feel so close to. I know I would have to destroy a family to be with this women. I feel like I am at war with myself and I do not know what to do.

I read your post and sympathize with your situation. It must be very difficult to deal with this dillemna as it seems there is really no one for you to discuss it with. You can't tell your wife how you feel and cannot talk to the one you feel you love either. Wow, that's a tough one there. I think that perhaps you need to really find out what your priorities are for your life and what you need in life at this point. I think it would be a good idea for you to see a therapist either with or without your wife. You say you have everything you should want in life but you obviously are not happy for some reason. I hope you can find out how to become satisfied with your life and it may mean making some changes and taking some risks, too. Or it may mean becoming more happy with what you have. I don't really know the answer and it's for you to discover actually. A good therapist will be able to help you get through this crisis in your life. Good luck to you.

hi Daniel,

sometimes i think we, as humans, tend to obsess more about things we can't have than about things that we already do have.

before your wife discovered you were longing for another women, how did she view the relationship. have the two of you been in couples' or individual counseling?

when i was young, 18 or 19, i felt the same way about a young man. even after he married a mutual friend of ours years later, i still longed for him. it hurt, and it took awhile to get over it. it may be in your best interest, and your family's, to move forward and not look back to what you had with this woman. ultimately, it is your decision. it may help to seek a counselor or therapist with experience in discussing such issues.

best wishes to you,

splash

I understand your situation, but I have never been in your shoes. I am not married and I don't have my own family, but what I can say to you is that if you want to find happiness start within yourself and not in another person. For years I have tried to find happiness through other partners I have had and it took me a long time to realize that it starts with me. When you find true happiness within yourself you will notice how everything else falls in place and your happier. If you love your wife and family and you both have a good relationship work it out. If she is a problem then you have to let her go, but I don't think that you should throw what you guys have away for another human being. What if that other woman doesn't turn out the way you thought she was. Is she worth losing your family. Instead of going out with her drinking and talking why don't your wife and you do that and commincate with her. Let her know how you feel take her out for a drink. Go back to the times when you guys first met and don't just be parents, but be couples as well. I wish you all the best of luck. Foind yourself and find the happiness within yourself and the rest will fall into place. Good Luck. I hope you find the happiness and joy. May God bless you.

Hello Daniel, I could help you with your situation but I 'm not going to, because first of all I don't have the psychiatric credentiuals one would need, second of all you would think I was being cruel with my remarks, and
third and most important, a response that works for one person may be a deathtrament to another. In any case I can tell you for certain to coin the old phrase " I've been there and done that " and like you I had every thing to loose, but I wised up before it was to late, and with hard work and and alot of evaluation of your inner self and yes,
professional counselling you may make it, and I'm not going to say you will make it, cause every body has a different nature, a thing that governs one in there quest
to risk every thing to obtain what they might think they want untill they get it and then don't want it any more or even worst, it doesn't want them . . .
good luck . . .