Normal

Some here state they "just want to be normal." Since each of us have our own genetics and upbringing and our perceptions are subjective, what do people consider to be "normal"?

Agustín Fuentes, Ph.D, tells us Why Normal Is a Myth | Psychology Today

Dr. Grohol says there is no "normal": Am I Normal? | World of Psychology

For me, "normal" is what we choose it to be. We get to define our "normal."

How do you describe your "normal"?

I know what you're getting at but in my mind while there may be no absolute black and white version of normal there are slightly more common shades of grey.

Normal for me would involve not having an emotional break down because of insignificant issues like missing a jump in a game. (Yes, that happens. A lot more than I care to admit lol)

Or having someone tell me they love me and not immediately assuming they're only saying it for nefarious purposes.

Normal is not being in almost constant distress maybe?

I think when most people say normal they really mean "average"... as in not standing out from the crowd in ways that they don't want to.

Like... I've learned how to "act" normal. So I don't stand out. When I was younger, I stood out because I was sooo quiet and reserved most of the time... and then babbling and talking a mile a minute at others. It made me stand out amongst my peers as a kid. And I hated it.

Then again - when I start talking about my interests and show my personality in social situations, I do tend to stand out because my main interests lay outside the average in the town that I live in. My experiences have been different. I'm totally ok with not being their normal, because I have really enjoyed those experiences and I like what I like.

I think a lot of it comes down to what was choice, and what just happens. Things I choose that are different I'm fine with. But when I just stand out about things that I don't want to stand out for... then out comes the "I wish I was more normal!". And in relationships - I wish I was more normal and less... affected by my past? But I'm learning, and I'm getting better!

When people judge each other, and themselves, they usually use normal meaning average. No one is average. It is TOTALLY IMPOSSIBLE to be average. That is why it is so tempting I think to try to be. We try what is actually not possible. But at the same time we think it should be the easiest thing in the world.

I don't at all see being healthy as being normal. Many, many people have succumbed to illness through the history. For me, healthy is an ideal. Sure I would be happy having a body not attacking itself, but I'm pretty sure my immune system is not abnormal, it is just a variant that happened not to match the environment I was born into. I don't like to use the word normal when I mean healthy, and I like it even worse when it is used about say my financial situation, which is not "normal" in that I can't go buy whatever I want (which oddly is seen as normal at the same time loads of people are hungry every day).

If you want a crash course about normal meaning average, I like what Michael says about this. If you want to skip, watch the beginning up to 40 seconds and 8 minutes until the end. Two minutes that might make you feel better about yourself.

Nobody take offense to this, as I am not referring to anything said here... But, when somebody tells me that "there is no normal" I literally want to punch them in the face.

Why?

Its SO normal to not be able to function to the point of being able to have a job.

Its SO normal to not be stable enough to enter into relationships of any sort.

Its SO normal to live on a rollercoaster where you can't plan a damn thing because you never know what tomorrow will bring.

And best of all... Its SO normal to not even have my basic needs met. Safety, anyone? (Pyramid of human needs, right above food/shelter/water.) Oh, sorry, you take this one for granted and have NO idea what its like to not feel safe. You have NO idea what its like to know you would simply walk away from everyone and everything just to feel safe for once. NO, this isn't NORMAL!

I could go on... (Thank you, PTSD!)

So please, don't you DARE lecture me that there is no "normal" when you yourself are normal and have everything that I can only dream of having. (Again, vent to those who have lectured me on normal, not a reply to anything said here.)

Thanks for letting me get that out. It was good to vent, but still, I know I will still feel the urge to punch people IRL who tell me "there is no normal". I don't though, because well, I am not a violent person. Nevertheless, the urge is still there.

I guess its kind of like the rich person telling the homeless man that money doesn't matter. Same darn thing.

Sorry, not very chipper with this one, but yeah, it really gets my goat.

Hello, ChipperMonkey. I agree with you. Aggression and violence are quite "normal" these days.

"Normal" is actually a difficult concept for me. I grew up in an aging family back in the 1950's & 60's. The values I was taught were those of small town America in the late 19th & early 20th centuries. There wasn't much flexibility there. Unfortunately, although I didn't learn what it was all about until the beginning of my 6th decade, I was either born transgender or became transgender very early in life.

Somehow, I don't know how, I learned very early on that being what I now call: "transgender" was something I must NEVER talk about. And so I kept it a closely guarded secret for many decades. And, over the years, it has eaten me alive from the inside out.

The complicated part of this is that, try as I might, I still basically hold to those late 19th century & early 20th century small town values. They are the gauge by which I measure what is & is not normal. I can say, intellectually, that I no longer adhere to these values, & I don't. But deep down, they are still there, working their "magic".

So, what is normal? I don't really know. But I do know that the person I am does not, in any way, adhere to the concept of normal I have tucked away in my mind based on the upbringing I had so any years ago. And there is a sense in which the opposition of these two conditions probably lies at the base of much of the mental health problems I struggle with today.

But, "normal" changes, it's very subjective. It's only a snapshot of a point in time. 40 years ago, gay/lesbian was considered very "abnormal". People took it upon themselves to say "not so fast, this is 'normal' for a percentage of the population". And perceptions changed. Earlier, the same thing happened in the US with race, with gender, etc. In 1914, the concept of a female CEO would have been considered absurd, probably some kind of satire or farce at best. Now, it's perfectly accepted, but still not statistically "normal" to have a woman head a major corporation, as the majority of CEO's are still male.

I say, if you don't agree with "normal", reinvent it in a new way that works for you.

Normal for me would to not be mentally ill, having the husband and children I dreamed about as a child, being able to feel I am loved unconditionally, having a best friend I could feel safe confiding in, feeling equal to those around me.

Normal would be having a job that is intellectually challenging, feeling productive, not feeling I need to be perfect and allowing myself mistakes.

Normal for me would be being confident in myself.

"What's the point if being different when it's difference now that looks alike?"
- Rhinestone Cowboy

To me, "average" or "normal" just means unduly affected by outside influences or contamination. However, it would be nearly impossible to go through life "unaffected" by our experiences. In fact, many would argue that having experiences is the purpose of living in the first place. So, by extension, nobody should seek to be "average", but to live life to the fullest, and allow yourself to grow and develop accordingly.

Looking at replies I can't but think even more, normal is just a sort of random concept. In today's world it is "normal" to be outgoing bordering to pushy and aggressive, selfishness is very normal. There has been times in the past where self control, introversion and selflessness was THE thing. I don't think we do us any good trying to be like the times think we should be, and it does us good knowing we are not wrong in a larger perspective if we are responsible introverts. Realizing history was important to me, realizing how other people live than the Western world, too.

And I do think it also does us harm to think our ideals is the normal. That our dreams coming true is the normal. Like, if things happen to interfere, instead of sadness of the lost dream, we feel scorned, because the NORMAL should be GIVEN US for free!!! A healthier approach I think is to call a dream a dream, an ideal an ideal, and health health.

Hope I'm not sounding like an idiot here.

Normal is just a mold people are supposed to fit into according to society, it changes with time....anything outside of it can be seen as 'abnormal' so yes it is somewhat subjective but to me I do see it as referring to sort of the collective view of what is typical, average or 'normal'....so I see normal as whatever fits that. I don't really strive to be normal...i think if I was to fit what society considers that to be it would be quite boring and I'd just be joining the ignorant masses.

First, thank you for starting this thread.
Good discussion herein.

Second, thanks for asking the key question, i.e. How do you describe your "normal"?

It is refreshing to read "For me, "normal" is what we choose it to be. We get to define our "normal." Yes. This.

Absolutely we get to define our normal.

That said, I acknowledge that that needs to jibe with social parameters/norms respecting all others' rights to safety, peaceable abiding, quiet, mutual respect, etc.

As jimi and skeezyks both brought up the natural internalizing of those social and cultural norms with which we grew up as children is there within us.

It seems to me a base upon which we build and grow "our own normal".
In some cases, perhaps we 'remodel' a bit for 'expansion' of what is "our normal", acquiring additional values along our path of maturation - retaining some, letting go some.
This is the job of integration of our fully lived life experience.
(It's also a lot of the work we do in angst and in therapy!)

Enough said, likely too much.

It has always been my point - whether with family, friend, therapist - that I simply want to be my normal me. The normal I know and love and can fully function and flourish with in life again.

Not this eclipsed me. This is not "normal" for me.
This total void of my being to such extent that nothing is normal.
I am simply not myself, I am no one, I am nothing, capable of nothing of which I was formerly highly capable, including simple peace, joy, love. I want that back! That's "my normal".

In my experience, I believe it is for each of us to define, as was glok's original premise here, thanks.
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It is late, I may not get to edit this as much as I would like. If I may, I hope to reply to the previous individual posts on this thread as well. As I said, a fine, interesting thread.

Pax.

Normal to me is not needing to aspire to be "normal".

What an interesting question, glok.

I've given this a lot of thought tonight. I agree that 'normal' is aa vague, undefined term that means something different to everyone.

Normal means safe. As a fixed geographical point, safe is my house and especially, my room. With my books and file boxes and artwork all around me, I feel safe. With my cat and stuffed animals and the usual clutter of books and ms's laying about-I feel a warmth of spirit that I don't feel anywhere else. And though it's nice to touch base with other humans now and then, I really prefer my own company.

As a state of mind, normal means no one can set my schedual, or tell me what to do or when or where or how to do it. Once again, the word means safe, for me.

Not normal means being outside my house, being around strangers who suck all the air out of the room until I can't breath. Not normal used to mean drugs and alcohol and anything that would take me out of a perpetual pursuit of safty and being zoned out to the point where I was a victim for all the predators who seek out those who can't find any balance in life. I was a victim for many, many years until I started meds and began to understand that normal would allow me to set boundaries and stop being a victim.

So I don't believe normal is a concept to live my life by other people's perception of the word-for me, it means being safe from the chaos and the fear and paranoia. It means sitting right here at my computer with my cat on the bed and waiting for the dawn to attemp sleep one more time.

Well said Tea&Sympathy!

Also normal is the fact that every person I see does in fact suffer from some form of mental illness. Nobody is exempt.
Think about it; every single person alive suffers from some form of mental illness even if it is mild in a few of them.

So everybody on this website is normal. Abnormal is to be perfectly well adjusted with no signs of ANY mental illness and there is not many of them around.

Y'know... normal's basically just what society has decided everyone should "be" like.

Society seems to expect:
- heterosexual marriages with at least 2 children
- no mental illness
- full-time employment
- owning a house
- owning a car
- going to university or college
- never showing emotions that aren't happy ones (and ambition)
- consumer-driven by wanting to purchase all sorts of things
- stereotypical gender roles
- college/underage drinking/promiscuity/partying

And others. It's ********. Some of the "normal" standards people just can't meet because they aren't born that way. Others really should just be preferences and there's nothing wrong with not complying to them! So... screw it. Just be ourselves!

Interesting question

Just to follow on from A Red Panda, i find conventionality totally vomit worthy. I don't want marriage, or kids, or have someone else as my boss, or be one of those people who think misery is a sin. I want my own life, defined by my own standards. Many others i see following these trends feel dreadful and are made worse by feeling they can't show it. Lets stop to think of all the people who don't really love the person they're married too, don't really want the kids they have, don't really want to go to university, don't really want to be an executive etc. etc. I wonder how the world would be different if people just did what they could and not what they felt they should.

If this is normal then quite frankly i'm relieved i'm not.

Nice thread. Good discussion.

For me "normal" means going back to the person I was before my life fell apart, back to when I was able to work, function and aspire to reach my dreams. Back to when my mistakes were part of the learning process not because I was screwed up biologically.

I use to want to be normal...now I embrace not being normal....

Understand what you are saying. People telling me not to "worry" about such & such. When such & such is causing chaos and misery in my life. I try to be happy with my normal, all the while knowing there are answers "out there" that I do not know how to make work.

Thank you Shabur. What you wrote sounds like something I would have written if I could have found the words.

Normal for me will always be a speculation with no consensus.