Hi all

before i get going, i just want to say that i understand why this post may be deleted, i dont mind if it is, i just need to say a few things.

i am at crossroads in my life, i am at the beginning of a new destiny for myself, a good one.

i would like to hold on to PC, and use it for what it was built so brilliantly for. but i feel i have to go.

why?

because PC has evolved, and there is no longer a place for me here anymore. i can accept that, sure, its hard to accept it, but i have to. like i said, PC has evolved, and has changed so much since i joined. i am undecided whether it is for the best or not thorugh my eyes, but as i feel right now, i dont think i can be emotionally attatched anymore.

i have become aware of a tension rapidly sweeping through these forums. and i know that two threads have been made by KD and DocJohn discussing this - i did try to post my opinion but the thread was locked before i could. this, however, is not what i want this thread to be about.

im upset that PC isnt hat it used to be. it used to be a community of supporters. and i cant stress enough how SO MANY OF YOU STILL ARE WONDERFUL PEOPLE, but it has a different feel about it. and for some unknown reason i feel increasingly worried of any posts i make so as i dont offend anyone.

anyone who knows me knows that this thread has no bad intentions, and has no insults to anyone, no "digs" or "jabs" at anyone either. to date i have got on with everyone here, that i am aware of. i havent been involved in a dispute with anyone before. and i want it to stay that way. "quit whilst im ahead" is the phrase that comes to mind. i dont believe i am capable of hurting anyone, i dont even try. i have grown up witnessing such violent behavior and physical and verbal attacks, i know first hand how destructive it is and how it can destroy bridges un-necessarily. i have lost many loved ones too, ones i will never, ever, get to say anythign to again. i know that life is precious, and we get one shot to get it right. we may trip up and stumble sometimes, but we, as individuals, are all capable of picking ourselves up and moving on.

i would be incredibly naive if i was to say that life is perfect if we make it, because i know that isnt true. i know full well that isnt true. but i do know that most friendships and relationships can be repaired if people want them to be.

i hate conflict, i hate arguements, i hate tension and negativity. as a creative person i find if suffocating. like i said at the start of the post, i am beginning a new journey of my life which i need positivity for, to succeed and stay healthy.

i dont want to leave PC, thats why im removing myself from threads, but remaining at the other end of a pm, should anyone need me. i have friends here that i love and respect, and i would never turn my back on them. and i kow i will be forgotten soon enough. i have hardly contributed much to this site in my time here.

i feel invisible here, not due to anyone, just my own personal state of mind. i feel invisible, and no longer accepted here. i know this is all in my head, but i dont seem to be finding the answers here that i need. i just see upset and tension. that helps no one.

we all deserve happiness, each and every one of us. we deserve support, love and care from eachother here. it shouldnt be about disputes and rows.

i am aware that this post may create negative response, which is why id like to quote a saying:

"if you have nothing positive to say, just say nothing"

i dont want my last post for a long time to be about arguements. to be remembered as a catalyst to spark rows and continue disagreements, and if any of you respect me, you wont use this for that.

this post is a goodbye, and an explanation as to why i am withdrawing from the forums. i would liked to have stayed longer, but i feel left behind in an ever-evolving community. who knows, tomorrow i might want to post, whether it be a reply or a start of a new thread. who knows what tomorrow brings. all i know is that life is too short and too valuble to spend it arguing and being suffocated by negativity. ive learnt that lesson well.

so, if any of you want to stay in touch, you are more than welcome, and i mean that from the bottom of my heart. and i will be staying in touch. i will be keeping my eye on you guys!

so, until i feel able to return, until i get back to the right mental state, this is a goodbye to a majority of you. i wish you ALL good fortunes, happiness and love.

simon

[(JD)]

I'm sure that after a short break you will realize that you, too, have grown since being at PC, and will return.

Simon you have been such a great supporter of the members here, it won't be the same without you, so do hurry back!

It takes time to adjust (?) to the forums and mechanics of a website, and since the site also changes over time, we have to learn to adjust again and again. We are all doing that, btw.

It can't be all things to all ppl, and many times we can individually become disappointed. We go on. We all do what we can, sometimes it doesn't fit right, often it does.

Hurry back, ok?

[SeptemberMorn]

I understand.

[jacq10]

(((((((((((((((simon))))))))))))))
Take good care of yourself, and hope to see you around again.
Jacq

You have asked me to come back Simon and I did but today I see YOU going away.

Do not go away Simon the conflict on PC is not yours and it is certainly not to hurt your heart.

People need you here. They need you because you think with your heart and that is a gift in itself.

PC is a bit confusing these last few days but it will become stabble again and support will flow again.

Much love dear Simon.

Simon, since you've been here, we've become very close. i understand your feelings but Time0 said it all above. for me, you're a ray of bright light and love. i don't want you to go........xoxoxo pat

[nothemama8]

Simon, for you to leave now would hurt so many who care about you and need your insite, overlook the ppl who have not grown as you have and stay
Angie

[Zen888]

You will be missed Simon

[wisewoman]

Simon, I do not know you well-other then to see your pure intentions. you live your words and try to be the best human you can. I have been ill and don't read a lot of the forums as I can't sit up that l have learned that you are a positive loving person struggling with how you want to change the world mad make a space for yourself, your friends. You want to spread the word, pass it on. I will miss your honesty and objectivity. Be well.
There will always be conflict in the world. There has always been war. Good for you to step back and think about who you would like to be. The best person you can, The most loving and honest, You are doing these tings well, Take care Simon.

[Boopers]

Simon,
My heart hurts as I read your post. There are so many things I want to say but I will respect your wishes and not make this in to anything but a sad goodbye.
I wish you all the best as you go to your next journey and may you find happiness wherever you go.
Hugs and you will be missed,
Boopers

[katheryn]

simon i understand were you are comming from, please take care while you are away and hurry up back we will miss you

You always share such wonderful words and encouragement here, you would be so missed...understand though, that you may need a break...glad that you are not leaving completely...thinking about you, take gentle care of yourself, ok?

[mssumom]

Simon, whatever your reasonings and choices are to be they need to be what is best for you. I enjoy reading your posts and how supportive and caring you are. Take care of yourself and come back to PC when you feel it is right for you.


Lori

simon........because i feel partly responsible for the current conflict i wanted to publically write and ask you to reconsider leaving....i have been at pc for a long time...every once in a while a conflict erupts.......after reading what doc john and kimmy have had to say..i realize that i handled things badly.......no mal intent was meant by me or anyone else......we all wanted to help heal the wounds of friends......hopefully we will use this experience to grow....hopefully if we all try.....we can still accomplish our original goal.......simon.....you re a valued member here......you are so not invisible.......you hold a very strong place in this community.....your words have helped many myself included.....i hope that if you really do feel the need to leave now that you will find a way to return to us very soon......you are loved here simon

http://www.esnips.com/doc/4ca50ddd-7...---Labi-Siffre

I know you love it, Simon! You're such an intelligent, kind, sensitive and lovable guy!

All of you are such kind, loving people. it does make me reconsider my thoughts to leave. at the moment im in "no mans land", i feel good and bad, last night i had a very bad panic attack. i have never had one like that, and i was so scared of everything. i was nearly sick, began shaking and had irrational thoughts of suicide. that was what scared me the most. when i had my panic attack i wanted to cancel my singing lesson tomorrow as i felt it was that that was making me so scared.

Canders7 and i speak on msn, and when i had my attack i was in bed, and it was about 3am my time, so i got out of bed and logged on hoping she would be there. she was. thank god for time difference! she helped so much, more than i can express. she deserves a medal for what she did for me last night. i wont ever forget that.

but nonetheless, i had the worst panic attack i have ever had. and i didnt like it. today i have been sleeping all day - after the attack i didnt sleep until 5:30am. i havent felt too special today, must be the aftermath of the attack. i am trying to think very hard about this vocal session tomorrow. am i ready? were nerves getting the better of me last night? was my departure from here involved in the attack? the answer to all those is YES. i am ready. the nerves were awful, and i felt so alone and saw a life of fear and "stagefright" ahead of me making me doubt if i am strong enough. and yes, leaving here did make me down. it still does.

part of me wants to stay so much, because it is such a wonderful site, and many of you are so kind and caring, as seen in this post. the last few days i have heard comments around here being mentioned that seems as though everyone is out to get everyone. people need to focus on that, and try their hardest to find a way of letting the hatred go and finding ways of letting love in. it is damaging, i havent let it get to me yet, which is why i wanted to leave now. i adore so many people here and when it seems there is upset, it puts me into a situation where i want to help everyone, because i class all as my friend. but i cant, and i know i cant. and that is pushing me away.

butterflylady747, thank you for accepting that change needs to happen. that is a good thing, for definate. i hope others can follow in your footsteps and end this once and for all.

as for me leaving...i still dont know. last night was a very hard night for me to get through because the attack. i need to re-evaluate a few things. i want to go tomorrow to the singing lesson, i want to. i love singing, and i love music, so why am i so scared? do i care TOO much? do i love it TOO much? maybe after that it will release this feeling of being scared and trapped. i just wish i didnt feel like this.

simon

You are YOU and you're important!

Go to that singing lesson and sing out all your misery... pain... anxiety... love...!

I'm glad Canders7 was there for you in your hour of darkness.

Hey simon. I don't think I know you, but maybe my experience can help you...

I used to post on this other board and I was really very involved with that. Over time I really felt like I got to know a lot of the posters there and I really felt like they were my friends and I came to care about them so very much. Sometimes there would be conflict on the boards. At the time it felt like things would never be the same again. Things would never go back to being the way they were and the boards would never be the same again as a consequence of the conflict.

But you know what.... That happened on several occasions. Which is to say that there were several occasions where I really and truely felt that something irrevokable had happened and that things had changed and things would never be the same again. But you know what? Over time... Over time... Things did go back to more or less the same as they were. It took some time, but things did indeed go back to more or less the same as they were. Then I started to notice that there were other conflicts that arose on the boards and other people had that same feeling about those conflicts and you know what? I barely noticed those conflicts.

I think that in general... The boards are much greater. Conflicts seem to occur between a vocal subset of people. If we are involved with those subset of people then it seems like the whole boards are blowing up... But if we socialise with other people on the boards then we barely even notice the conflict.

I too grew up in a violent household. I used to be (and to a certain extent I still am) terrified of conflict. I feel like I'm breaking up / breaking apart when people who I care about have conflict and become divided. Part of that (a significant part of that) was fear of physical violence. It was hard for me because I find conflict triggers off memories of physical violence but over the years I have come to see that online conflict is actually more manageable for me because the threat of physical violence is lacking. Yes words can hurt. Words can hurt a great deal. But nobodies life and nobodies physical being is threatened and so I've come to see online conflict as a relatively safe place for me to experience conflict and to see things calm down over time.

That being said sometimes I find that I need to walk away for a time so that things can calm down, and so that I can calm down. Sometimes that involves my reaching out to different people on the boards. People who I don't typically socialise with. Sometimes that involves me walking away from the boards altogether at times. But I always come back. I don't know whether I'll ever stop posting on boards. In a way... I think that they have been life changing for me. People on the internet, people who I really didn't even know or accept or understand as people... They really reached out to me. They accepted me. They showed me that my thoughts / feelings / behaviours are understandable. They showed me that many people struggle with the same things. They showed me that they could see ME that I could really disclose what was going on for me and they could really see ME and they cared for me and they accepted me... And now... I need help and compassion at times and I'm so eternally grateful at everything that these random strangers have shown me. And some of them became friends but they started as random strangers... And now I hope... That I can put something back by reaching out to others. And my aim in life has become how to do that better. And that has replaced my aim in life of figuring out what is wrong with me.

I'm rambling. I'm sorry. Take home message: This too shall pass. I understand the need to walk away for a time. But remember... The boards are much greater than this and there are so many people here who I'm sure you haven't gotten the opportunity to get to know as yet. I know it is hard to see friends fight. Sometimes the thing to do can be to reach out to others... And sometimes the thing to do can be to walk away for a time...

I hope you feel better soon and come back to us.

Take care.

[Fuzzybear]

Simon, I hope you do decide to stay. PC needs you and you are a wonderful, intelligent and caring guy.

PC has had tough times before, but survived and if anything, the support became stronger as people pulled together. Maybe just take a short break rather than leaving altogether.....But do what you need to do for you....


Take care,
Fuzzy

[Numbers]

Take care and the best of luck for the future.

[sparkling]

Hey Simon,

I don't know you well but I enjoy reading your posts. I hope you change your mind about leaving. Good luck tomorrow.

[Boopers]

Simon,

I'm so sorry you had such a rough night. I know that must have been very scary.
I'm so glad that you didn't have to go through it alone. I'm glad that Cander7 was there for you. What a blessing.
Simon, I hope that you go and sing like you have never sung before.
Good luck to you and please reconsider about going away.
We need you here.
Hugs,
Boopers

[jlove973]

</font><blockquote><div id="quote"><font class="small">Quote:</font>
Boopers said:
Simon,
My heart hurts as I read your post. There are so many things I want to say but I will respect your wishes and not make this in to anything but a sad goodbye.
I wish you all the best as you go to your next journey and may you find happiness wherever you go.
Hugs and you will be missed,
Boopers

</div></font></blockquote><font class="post">

I'm quoting Boopers, because I couldn't have said it any better.
You will be missed

[Wants2Fly]

Hi Simon -- I don't know you, because I went away from the Forums for more than a year, perhaps more like a year and a half or more. I went away because of feelings like yours.

I felt that feeling of walking on eggshells, of dreading logging on. I also thought I was spending too much time here, becoming too dependent. It was hard to stop coming and having a peek, but I was determined to have a time out.

It was good for me to branch out and have new interests. Now I've come back, because I genuinely like a number of people here, and because I had questions I didn't think fit with another online discussion that is a home for me.

I agree with Alexandra's post. I'm sure you will do whatever is best for you. I think you will find that people will like and accept you even if you go away for a while -- or if you decide to stay. I expect quite a few of us can relate to your feelings.

[biiv]

Simon im so upset that you re upset! i know nothing about this conflict i keep reading about but it scares me and it scares me even more to see that it is making such good caring people as you go away.
i hate conflict and cant understand how people can yell at eachother so i do know how you feel and why you feel you need to leave. if that is really what you need to do for you then thats what you need to do. if you can find a way around it though i would really like that.
alexandra_k had some really good advice i think. maybe trying to take a break from being so intensely involved with the people who are hurting you and spending a bit more time using this as an opportunity to widen your circle of aquaintances on the board would be an idea?
there will always be conflict and we need to figure out a way to live with it sometimes instead of leaving. i wish i could tell you what that way is but i do believe that if we can do that we can use experiences like this to make our lives even richer.
im not sure if im making sense. i just would hate to see you go because you are anything but invisible. please dont let a conflict between other people take you away from those of us on this thread and others who really do see you.
i really hope you keep posting and let us support you on this new journey you re taking. you re an inspiration on how to move forward and follow your dreams and that is very valuable and much appreciated.
ok i could keep talking but i ll leave my waffling at that.
take care of yourself even if that means going away but you will be missed.
(((((((((((((((((simon)))))))))))))))))