Dead Brother

you are indeed a wise woman.......i'm so sorry about your brother

Thank you.

((((((((((( WW )))))))))))

I am so glad you found some joy in your brother's life. I wish you every good thing.

Hugs,

Jan

but...you are grieving (((ww))) you just might not realize it.

oh sky, I don't know, mostly conflicted now as I find there is a short service this sun before his burial in the spring. I was uninvited as I have been ill, I was guilted, I don't want to go. These are my griefs, this wretched family. A 5 hour drive north, me ill, and at least one child with me. I don't know where to go or what to do now.

Maybe you want to go... IF....

you know, the IF the family would not fight or IF the family would love and appreciate me or IF...

and then there are the BUTs...

You have at least a start on the balance sheet... pros and cons. I think you probably should lean on the con side, and not go. You can mourn or grieve in your own way. Your health is not good enough, imo, right now to add that stress (driving, family etc.) TC of yourself.

Many Sky you hit that one right. I am awake at 4:00 a.m. and what with the pneumonia and a second round of steroids started today I think I am not the young woman who used to hop in the car and make that 11 hour round trip in one long day. I woke to take my inhalers so I could breathe. As far as I see it breathing is a necessary precursor to driving. I will have to push till spring. They need a small religious service now, not I. And I will figure out what if any my needs are and get them met.

But no, driving through the mountains with the little one and a hurry to get there. Ask me how many blizzards I have driven through when I was younger. The pain meds not stable and the breathing meds just starting. Another time. I have to call cous and speak with her. She will help me see inside the family.

When my disabled daughter died I had difficulty because it seemed that people did not see the value that her life had. Quite by accident today I learned of the value my brother's life had. He was generous with whatever he had. He was kind to my baby sister's children. They needed all of that they could find. He was kind to my sisters whenever he could be. He was disturbed and held back by his illness but he was able to leave a footprint of love and good deeds in a piece of the greater print. No, no black and white here but he had a heart of caring and of giving. He knew of love, of giving. He knew great fear and pain. He knew the demons in his mind up close and he knew physical pain as his limbs rotted and he believed the pain to be the bad people of his mind trying to get to him.

He tried to fight the evil. He tried to love and leave it behind and he did pretty darned well considering it all.

Thanks for caring.

wisewoman im sorry im only getting to read this now.
there is never black and white in life no matter what confused thoughts we sometimes have. im so very glad you got to see his good deeds. every life has a value. every single one because lives always have a value we never get to see beyond that we do get to see. even if he had never been kind to your family i believe his life would have had value anyway in the lessons it and his death have taught you.
i am very impressed by your ability to let this event lead your thoughts to explore yourself and life further. there are so many things in life we will never understand but sometimes we get a glimpse into the greater mysteries throught people like your brother and the effect his passing has.
im sorry for any fear or confusion it has placed on you but also glad his personal hell has ended.
my thoughts are with you and your family right now. please remember to take care of yourself through this.
biiv

biiv, you are well spoken. Thank you for your understanding and compassion. You are right, every life has value and I do know that but was pleasantly shocked to see and hear his value to my sisters and to 2 nieces and 2 nephews. He could give more easily to a child as he was less threatened. And so those girls who are still young children, and the boys who are in their twenties are able to grieve the loss of an eccentric uncle who always did weird exciting things for them. I got to laugh as my older sis told some of the stories of their relationship over the years. He could be hysterical in his illness and wit.

I am blessed to have found rather quickly that indeed his life was whole and full and had meaning.

And by the way everyone, I have forgotten how to count I guess, trying to make all of my siblings and self younger. He was 50, almost 51 in March and my twin brothers are also 50, to be 51 next Jan. I don't know why that is important to me, just accuracy I guess. We be getting older.