Don't understand what's happening to me

Hello,

I've been suffering a lot emotionally for the past year, and have been reading articles and books on self-help. One of the things many suggest is to reach out there to see if someone else made his/her way out of this or similar situation or achieved a goal similar to yours so that you have some guidance instead of trying to figure it out on your own, which I'm exhausted of doing. I'm sure each person's situation is unique, but maybe there will be some patterns that might be alike.

By the way, I did see a therapist, and it turned into a more of a what's going on conversation instead of actual productive help that I felt I could use. I got more from reading some articles and resources.

There's stuff happening in my head that I don't appear to be able to control, and that I don't understand. I think the suffering came partly as a a result of me finally seeing this pattern within me in addition to understanding that I had anxiety, depression and addiction. I've been working on these, but the root cause, I feel, is still there. Obviously, it would take probably pages and pages if I went into everything, but I'll concentrate on the specific condition that I don't understand and that's causing me a lot of grief.

I know and I feel that I'm in the wrong place in terms of my home, work and personal life. A lot of my frustration is attributed to the location because I don't feel I fit in. My job is very secure, comfortable with lots of time off and great benefits, and that's what has kept me here for all these years while wanting to escape all along. Originally, I did enjoy my work a lot, but not much any more. My personal life has been non-existent again because I don't feel I fit in here.

The problem is I can't make a choice or think of a goal and stick with it in order to help myself progress. I think of an option, then find something wrong with it, move on to something else, etc. jumping back and forth. I can't commit to anything. Ok, so let's say you could call this analysis paralysis, which is definitely there, but the issue is nothing feels right or like something that I really really want to do. There's always something wrong. I don't seem to look forward to anything really (except the addictive behavior, perhaps) and my mind jumps from one thing to another constantly analyzing and searching for options while keeping me in status quo. I have too many conflicting intentions that don't gel. One of the things that they say is to tell others about your intentions in order to commit, and I have done that, but that didn't keep me from changing my mind and not committing. (By the way I don't have a problem with commitment to people; on the other hand, I'm very committed and responsible). I apply for jobs, and they seem to be interesting when I apply, but when the interviews come up, I'm no longer excited or really interested or too fearful.

My mind seems to do these tricks not only about bigger choices, but also about smaller ones such as deciding what to do with my free time, who to spend time with, when to go, etc. I can't hear my inner voice and I can't settle on my values either. It's the same pattern. Constantly analyzing. Never settling. My mind jumping all the time. Running away from choices and places.

The worst part is that I understand what's going on in my head, and that it doesn't get me anywhere, and yet, I can't make myself get out of this vicious circle getting angry at myself.

Overall, I'm stuck. Any advice?

Thank you.

stuck, oh yeah, I'm going through the same thing right now. I can't remember the last time I felt good about something or enjoyed myself. I've analyzed my life over and over trying to figure out what I should do to make myself happier but I am never able to just pick a path and do it. I have tons of lists of possible options but I can never put anything into action so nothing in my life changes. I'm also searching for a way out of this horrible cycle that is holding me down and keeping me from being happy. I'm not sure what it's going to take for me to be able to take that first step...surely if I get myself going on the right thing then its momentum will help me follow through with it. Seems like it should not be so hard to do....but, it is for me........D.

Stuck, I am sorry you are suffering in this way. It sounds as if you're trying hard to find a way to a better life and to improve yourself and that you're not feeling satisfied with the outcome. Very frustrating.

Something jumped right off the page at me when I read your post. The only thing you have to look forward to is your addictive behavior. Whatever that is. You didn't say. It could be alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, porn, sex and much more. I don't know, so I'll make my comments generalized to what I know about addiction, which has dogged my family for generations, all kinds of addiction on both sides of the family. Fortunately, I learned young that addiction was the root cause of the dysfunction in my family and I learned everything I could to save myself.

Addiction has symptoms -- depression and anxiety being two of them. Most addicts long for a geographic cure -- a new location, a new job, new friends, new relations, new whatever. But the problem is, the addiction always comes along for the ride.

Looking for some other root cause is starting basackwards. The only way out of addictive behavior is to start with treating the addiction, making a commitment to living clean and sober and/or without the behavioral addiction that's bedeviling your life. You can't even tell how depressed or how anxious you are until the addiction is being addressed because addicts run scared, they feel despair and alternate between mind-numbing boredom and escape interspersed with moments of high anxiety. Self-esteem can go from grandiose to zero in minutes. There are plenty of good intentions, with not much follow-through, pretty much like you described. Those are symptoms of addiction.

I know plenty of addicts in various stages of recovery. In my opinion, once the addiction gets treated, they're no more messed up than the average population. Some are mentally ill, some are plain nasty people to the core, but most are damn fine people in recovery. But the only way you can find out what's in there is for the person to get into recovery and work at it.

Your post perfectly describes the ennui and bafflement of the addict who's still resisting and denying. They don't get that the addiction is the problem you can deal with. Recovery from addiction is a long-term deal, like peeling away layers of an onion as you go deeper and deeper into uncovering whatever's inside you.

What you are experiencing is nothing new to addicts all over the world. 12-Step programs even have a set of Promises outlining what recovery brings.

If we are painstaking about this phase of our development, we will be amazed before we are half way through. We are going to know a new freedom and a new happiness. We will not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it. We will comprehend the word serenity and we will know peace. No matter how far down the scale we have gone, we will see how our experience can benefit others. That feeling of uselessness and self pity will disappear. We will lose interest in selfish things and gain interest in our fellows. Self-seeking will slip away. Our whole attitude and outlook upon life will change. Fear of people and of economic insecurity will leave us. We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to baffle us. We will suddenly realize that God is doing for us what we could not do for ourselves.

Are these extravagant promises? We think not. They are being fulfilled among us—sometimes quickly, sometimes slowly. They will always materialize if we work for them.


Please consider taking a close look at your addiction and doing something about it. It's difficult. But you are worth it. You've already invested a lot of time and energy in self-help improvements. Consider putting some of that energy into recovery from your addiction and your life will feel different. As you get clean, you may decide you want a new job and and a new locale and even new friends. That can work once you're in the right state of mind and spirit to make your moves positive and geared toward your mental, emotional, physical and spiritual growth. Turn your self-help impulse toward recovery and see what happens. I wish you well.

Omg I could say a lot of the same things you said about myself. I have seen several therapists, all had very different approaches. On of the good ones would never let you get hung up on convos, she would dig deeper to what the true feelings were. You can always try another one.

I can also agree w the comments about addiction. Hard to say what's feeding what but really seems like your scattered thoughts are not the issue, it's the addiction, anxiety and depression. Fix those, and your mind will work a lot better.

Last year I made some f***** decisions during a bad depression. This year I've been making progress but in May I found a T who's very good and doing a full mental eval. First thing she told me after doing the eval is don't make any big decisions. My depression and anxiety were thru the roof and they don't allow good decision making. I'm in a stay/go status with my marriage right now, but I've given myself a break and will not make any decisions till I get over my depression. Also with work, recruiters call me all the time but right now I'm staying put. I'd rather live in another city, and do different work, but I'm not focusing on that now, just getting over the anxiety and depression. Then decisions will be easier, and inspired, and motivated.

Doing just this, has lowered my anxiety already. My depression is definitely less than before. Comes and goes, but now many days go be before I get a spell. Used to be opposite.

well, it's another day and I'm going to try to get something done today. Okay, at least start something...

Hello,

I'm so glad I'm not the only one, and thank you all for your comments. Sometimes you begin feeling so alone and closed in your problem, that you can't really see past them.

The problem that I have with the bigger decisions is that deep down I know that they should "feel right", but nothing quite does. The reason I feel this way is not because I've read it somewhere, but because I do remember being interested, I do remember looking forward to things, I do remember being passionate about things. I often get this feeling of sadness that I no longer have any of it. I look at other passionate, driven people, and I feel even sadder feeling I have lost it somewhere along the way. Yet, I know that I ended up in this state as a result of inaction having been unsatisfied for a long time, and instead of taking action (when I was still interested), I kept analyzing and re-analyzing while agonizing about the time slipping away, feeling anxiety and submitting to addiction to escape.

So staying in status quo while feeling that the time is running away is causing me anxiety. While to change, I feel that something needs to feel right, and nothing does, and so there I go again...

Another feeling that I often get is that of not fitting in this world in whatever situations I can imagine. I feel distanced. Everything scares me somehow. And I often feel disconnected from it all. I think it might be partly as a result of the addiction. By the way my go-to thing has been sex without any feelings. I know it's an addiction because I do it not because I meet someone and I like them, but rather compulsively/on purpose; the other reason I know it's an addiction is because it's sometimes so powerful that even though I know I shouldn't do it and that I'm going to not feel that great afterwards, I still do.

This brain, it's so frustrating how it works! I think it's almost worse when you realize what's wrong and the patterns, and yet don't have the power to control/change things. At least not soon enough.

Hello, stuck1978. Please consider printing copies of your posts for your therapist.

I wish you well.

Hi again dear Stuck. Well, there's quite a few different answers here bit I really hope for you things get better. Some of what's been mentioned will be of help and some things won't. What is good is that you are on Psych Central and many people here will identify with your problems. Take care and good luck!!

Thank you.

Hi Stuck1978...

I can relate, and don't really have a solution for you. A couple thoughts popped out at me. I don't know if any would be helpful, but they might be worth thinking about.

1. I loved SnakeCharmer's response about addiction. It actually gave me a lot to think about (sugar for me, but so much of what was said seems to ring true for even that!).

2. re: Not fitting in anywhere. I have this too. You might want to take a look at "schema therapy". Check out the book, "Reinventing Your Life" by Jeffrey Young and Janet Klosko (my library had it). I haven't actually done schema therapy yet (no one in my area does it, it seems like, and I found it just as I was getting started with a new T) - but it looks fascinating, and there might be something in the book that could help you.

I only recommend it because what you said about not fitting in fits the "Social Exclusion Lifetrap (Schema)" - basically the key phrase for this is, "I don't fit in". I have this one too . The book has some things you can do to start tackling it... but I'm guessing it's a million times easier if you've got a smart therapist guiding you.

3. Therapy... did you just go to the one session? I'm not sure what happened that turned you off from therapy? I'm not good at therapy myself (too much of my mental crap interferes with productive therapy, I think)... but I think that having a converation is a pretty normal thing to do in therapy. It's a very... sticky, grey, figuring-it-out-as-you-go sort of thing, to me anyway. Some therapists seem to be much more directive and goal driven. I wonder if you just need to try a different therapist, to find someone you click with? Therapy is super uncomfortable (for me, anyway), but omg - I'm so hoping it will help with all these issues. Since you're having trouble getting things done, I'd look for a more directive therapist... my new therapist is MUCH more directive than my previous ones, and so far, I think it's going to be a huge help. I seem to need a little pushing, since without it, I just float through time (which sounds like what you're describing).

4. The reason I'd say try to get into therapy... the last part of what I quoted from you, above... to me that feels like there may be something bigger that you're dealing with. Nothing feels important or interesting enough to stick with because you (may?) have other, more pressing issues internally that need to be resolved. Trying to find something out in the world that is "interesting enough" to generate commitment on your part is backward and won't work, you need to deal with all the stuff inside first, so that you have the energy available to engage with the world. (Again, this is definitely true for me, so I can sure relate...)

There's a story that Martha Beck tells in one of her books. She used to do life coaching. She says to imagine that you are out in the middle of the woods, in a cabin, and one day a stray bullet burst through the window and hit you in the chest! As you're bleeding and in pain, she pops in the door and says, in a happy voice, "Hi there camper! Are you ready to do some life coaching!?". At this point, your answer would be "no! get me to the hospital!"

It's not that you like going to the hospital, or that sounds fun. It's that... nothing will ever be fun again until you remove the bullet from your chest.

That really struck me. And, that's one big reason I'm back in therapy... because nothing is going to be fun until I manage to fix all the unfun childhood stuff that I'm carrying around. Maybe there's something like that for you too?

Ask your therapist point blank what they think is happening. If they cant give you an answer find another one that can. You could also see a psychiatrist if you wanted a diagnosis.

Thank you guilloche for the recommendation on the book and the therapy. I will look into it.

As far as the therapist, I went for quite some time, and spent quite a bit of money on it, but it ended up being like talking with a friend who listens, but doesn't give practical solutions that stick. That's part of the problem with me that we might be discussing a situation, and it might seem like a palpable solution at the time, and I might agree and almost feel enthusiastic in the moment, but then my mind just runs to some other alternative and finding faults with the originally discussed one. It's very very frustrating.

The last thing that was sort of a solution that I stumbled upon in my research and also recommended by the therapist was to write down my values. But I can't because I don't know what they are. I can write a few down this morning, but they will be different tonight because I will have reconsidered them, and they will be different tomorrow. I know this is happening, and I can see it happening, but I'm unable to stop myself and be happy with a certain choice or set or values. And when I do seem to settle somehow for a little bit, my choices are fraught with conflicting intentions, so they simply can't work. It's insanity....

The other thing I wanted to comment on is the bullet situation. I would agree, and I've been coming to the same conclusion as far as myself. I feel I have something blocking in my head that prevents the coaching from really working or sticking. This is what I feel the therapist was unable to identify and suggest a solution for.

I'm beginning to look for another one at the moment. Every day is sort of an ordeal to go through with these thoughts and anxiety (that I know is self-created).

Not fitting in has been a big problem because I often don't feel like I want to engage with people because I either feel there won't be anything we can talk about, or that I would feel inferior because they are driven/happy/focused, and I'm a mess or a whole lot of other reasons.

- Stuck