Is there something wrong with me or?

First off, I'd like to say that I don't know if this is the right area to post this thread but after a bit of browsing, I've been seeing things relative to this so I'll just assume it's the right place. Apologies if I get that wrong. Second apologies for the long post, and a third apology if I offend anyone. I'm honestly not sure on this and I'm just going by what I know and think.

OK so, I'm 15 going on 16 in 2015, and I think there's something wrong with me, and that I'm wrong.
I don't think I'm meant to be.

I used to live in a two story house with my family when I was really young and I fell down the stairs a lot during that time. Not only that, but I had an accident where I sped down the slope where my neighbours and my house were and accidentally hit the brakes too hard, causing me to flip in the air and land with a rock in my head. It wasn't in my head, just that surface of my forehead on the left side. I had no after-effects that I can remember, but I think that was the first occasion in which I should've died.

I don't know if my family has a history of mental illnesses/disorders as my mother was adopted and we don't know who her biological parents are, and I didn't really ask on my dad's side since I take more from my mom, and his siblings seem healthy to me. I am not diagnosed with anything and my school counselor doesn't think anything's wrong with me, but for a long time, I've felt like I was the odd one out in the entire world and was meant to perish long ago.
I first tried to commit suicide when I was 10, because of the bullying I had in school. I was too short to climb over the kitchen window even on a stool so one day I got my friend over and told her to push me. She obviously refused, and ran to the kitchen where I followed, and grabbed a knife and pointed it at her. That was honestly done on a "I could do this so she'd push me" thought that I didn't actually think I'd go through with but did. She screamed but we laughed it off and went on with our day.
I don't know when the next time was but since then I had constant thoughts and contemplations of killing myself.

It got worse when because I believed I honestly should've died at that time, and now I'm just a fake who is living an extra life. It makes me feel like everything horrid is my fault, like when my friend passed and when my closer friend passed. My closer friend apparently had an unknown heart condition which caused his heart to have problems and thus he passed. The doctors said they presume the problems to be caused by his excitement as he received a scholarship on that day.
I felt it was totally my fault, like if I had gone when I was 10, this wouldn't have happened and even though I'm Agnostic-Atheist, I felt that whatever God or higher up Fate thing/person was targeting my friends close to me to try and get me to kill myself. 2014 was rather hectic for me as I had more breakdowns and triggers for my suicidal tendencies (or whatever they're called) and I hated myself for never being able to do it. Sometimes I think this is actually real because I get muscle spasms where sometimes if I want to just pick up a pen or remote, my hand reaches for it but ends up spasming and knocking the pen/remote off. Thankfully this doesn't happen often but I do tend to get full body spasms when I stand up/sit down too fast or just sit/stand for long periods of time, I'm not sure but they come and go.

Not only that but for some time now, I feel like I'm the only human left on Earth and everyone else is a robot. Everyone seems to have a perfect script to which they follow and go with precisely but I can't seem to follow it. They seem to think and act as one, and the one time I told someone whom I trusted about this, they said they felt the same and that their peers used to call them a robot. I tried to cheer them up by saying they were the least robotic to me but that made them mad at me. I don't think the people/robots are out to get me but are more like, studying from afar. It feels like a tense situation where if I slip up and tell someone I think they're a robot, they'd all know and who knows what would happen to me. I did disclose this to my counselor, and it makes me feel anxious but I'm certain she won't tell because of confidentiality. They have to follow rules too, right?

Honestly, I'm fond of doing online quizzes such as "Do you have OCD", etc and my own self diagnosis would be Depression, Anxiety and possible light Paranoia, I don't know if I have Mysophobia or light OCD. I don't particularly trust my self diagnosis, and I would see a therapist or someone, but we haven't money and my mom thinks I'm making this all up. That's pretty much it, I mean, there's things like how I try to avoid occasions on where I have to talk and have attention on me, but I don't know if they mean anything so I won't include them?? Thanks for reading this.

hi carrdio
just thinking about suicide so much would indicate that something is going on. go back to your school counselor for a few conversations and be honest about your concerns. your counselor can then discuss with your mother the need for services and offer resources that would be available for lower income families. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

Hi Carradio, welcome to Psych Central. Sorry to hear you have so much trauma and injury.

Since you love quizzes, try these:
Psychological Tests and Quizzes

Then we have all kinds of forums
OCD and Trichotillomania - Forums at Psych Central

Post-traumatic Stress - Forums at Psych Central

Psych Central has real people here. People that are hurting and suffering like you are and trying to help each other get better. Give us a chance and see.

I have concerns about the mechanized life of the 21st centuries, but underneath those masks people wear are all the traumas they went through and have not found a way to cope with.

I don't think you are making this up. I have a suspicious nature and I feel sometimes like it is hard to find someone who understands me. If you want we can be friends. It just means we could write to each other now and then. It is up to you.

You can get a lot of support here at Psych Central (PC). I know your situation is difficult now, but when things change, it might be a good idea to see if they can do an mri or catscan to see if there was any trauma that could be affecting you still. Maybe they already did that.

Keep in touch with people here at PC. I've learned a little about who I can trust and being myself even if I am a little quirky.

Thanks for sharing your story.

Previous traumatic brain injuries can give a sense of disconnection, at times. Not that testing would necessarily show much if anything? Not sure.
I've had a friend in life, who once described onslaught of their depression at the age of ten, lasting until they'd sought counseling in their twenties. Battle waged, less insurmountable as the years went on. In their thirties, life has meaning and importance.
Just know you aren't alone. Today may seem long, but tomorrow is on the horizon.

Welcome to PC.

Sent from my LGMS323 using Tapatalk

Hello Kaliope
I've been honest with my school counselor, for the past 4 years, but she said she didn't find anything wrong with me. Then again, she is a counselor, not a psychiatrist.
Thank you for the welcome!

Hello CANDC
Thank you for your reply, quizzes, and welcome!
I'd love to be friends, though I don't come to this site often and I'm rather busy this year, as I'm at my final year, so sorry.
I'm not sure if they did an MRI or CT scan as I was rather young when that happened, but I'll ask my mom. Thanks again, and I'll try to keep in touch ^^

Thank you for the welcome and the reply!
I've recently seen better days, and I'm not as suicidal as before so I guess I'm doing okay. I'll be asking my mom about the head trauma, and thank you for your kind words!