I'm an Imperfect Perfectionist

I wasn't born a perfectionist; I was conditioned to be a perfectionist.

Yeah, I was one of those kids that brought home school report cards with all A's and one B. My father would exclusively focus on the B, and I always felt like a failure. And he kept doing things like that. Over and over.

I began to hold myself to very high standards (which, per se, isn't bad), but I obsessed over ambiguity (uncertainty). I started seeing the world in black or white terms, and I was unable to have flexibility, adaptability, and creativity. I was not happy, and had a tendency to quit on my goals if I did anything that was a mistake.

I dropped out of high school in the 10th grade due to my refusal to conform to the rules. I was able to attain a GED the next year because all I had to do was memorize answers to questions. I went to community college for two years and was able to graduate, but I struggled. In a creative writing class, I refused to have my paper critiqued by my peers (I thought it was perfect). I received a B in that class due to my rigid thinking. I transferred to a state university and was able to graduate, but I had many struggles due to my obsession with defending my positions on issues (you can't learn when you are defending your position).

I had a fairly successful military career, but never really saw it that way. Anytime I made a mistake I was overly critical of myself. My lack of adaptability hindered the latter part of my military career. Now I'm 100%, service-connected disabled.

I never understood this question until about 5 years ago: What do you call the person who graduates last in their medical school? Doctor.

If you have struggled with perfectionism like I have, here's a link that has helped me--and I hope it helps you:

https://www.psychologytoday.com/arti...-perfectionism

I can relate to your experiences in spirit if not in exact details. My father wouldn't have noticed a B or cared if he had noticed. I didn't score less than 100 on a spelling test until 9th grade. There were standardized tests given to all students in my 8th year of school to sort us into classes for high school and college prep. I got three 98 percentiles, one 96, and one 75. Who were those 99ers? I was disappointed. I also dropped out of high school but I left two months into my first year. The obsession with perfection carried over into music. It took me a long time to learn to accept I could not achieve perfection. In anything. There were people much smarter and much more talented. They also worked harder. With me it had nothing to do with parental expectations or outside pressure. Pure ego I suppose
I really should have read the article first to see if I'm even on topic

I actually learned to be a perfectionist from my ex-husband. He was never satisfied with anything, so I learned to try to get everything perfect and when I failed it would throw me into depression. I became obsessive about the things that I could control like no wrinkles in the bed once I made it or making sure all the ashtrays stayed clean for him. It is still hard for me to let go of the perfectionist thinking even after all these years.

I have made myself miserable through the years by not being able to let it go.

Best wishes, Gayle
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Like you I had to be a perfectionist growing up. If I did not make straight A's I was in trouble. If the dishes were not done in correct order I had to do them all again, I remember when we got a dishwasher, it was the happiest day of my life. My bed was checked daily to make sure it was made the correct way. I had a schedule that was to be done when I came home from school. Walk in the door, sweep and mop the downstairs starting in one corner and going throughout the house. Wash dishes, dust from top to bottom of the house. Then work on the upstairs clean each room in a specific order and vacuum when done. To this day I still clean in the exact way I was taught because if I did not do it the way I was told to I had to do it all over again.
Many of the things I have been able to release but I can't release the cleaning order, it's become a habit to me. Now my children I never did that to them, they cleaned the way they wanted to, there was no correct or incorrect way.

Hi kindness, I am sorry your father was like that with you, I have seen parents like that and I always found it disturbing. It can be just as bad when a parent is apathetic too.
I think it's a mistake to expect a child to "be the best" or have a child that somehow needs that to happen. It is stressful enough to learn, never mind feel one has to learn better than or above others. I feel it is best to "love the learning" itself and understand that whatever we do learn we will end up applying that in our "own unique way".

For me, I always enjoyed "the moment" when I taught children and raised my own daughter. It really did not matter to me how long it took either, just that it eventually did happen and the best part was the look of joy on the child's face, that was "the moment" I enjoyed "with" them.

I think too much pressure is put on perfection, there is just no such thing, nothing is ever perfect.

I think it is good that you finally got to the point where you realized that too.

((Hugs))
OE

Thank you, I needed to read this today. I literally broke down and wanted to die when I couldn't accomplish a single task at work and felt like a failure.

Thank you for sharing the link. I had a parent that was ocd with aspergers and psychosis. Everything in the house had to be immaculate. The yard down to my clothes. I had problems with math and learning how to count money, he used a belt to teach. Didn't work. It didn't matter I was in the gifted program for english and creative writing. All As but that C in math..ugh. I had ocd bad as a kid but no longer I'm glad you found that article to help you.

I can relate to this because I was conditioned to be a perfectionist as well. All throughout my elementary, and middle school years I didn't or couldn't receive less than A's and B's. I was identified gifted or advanced since I was small so I was made to believe that I was in a sense "better" than everyone else. I thought very highly of myself and of my intelligence. But as the case were I felt like I was pretending when I went to middle school. In elementary they didn't really specify academics through classes but there was of course classes that dealt with gifted children. In middle school, however, is where they separate your classes and classify your intelligence range. I was, of course, put into the S.A.S program and I think it's when I started to pretend.
My friends thought very highly of themselves and of everyone else just like I did at certain points. I'm not proud to say that by trying to fit in and do "cool" stuff I acted fake. I was still very smart but I tried to conform to everyone else. In the midst, of all that I joined a club to try to be popular and I was a Drill girl. I actually really liked it and continued but I felt as if I was trying to be something I wasn't. I was trying to be one of them. So in High school, now, I broke free of all that but then turn of events and I fell deep into depression and anxiety. I got my first F and D in high school and I was frightened to death to go home and face my mom. But I guess I was trying to break free of all these supposed chains that I failed all my semester classes in 10th grade. It's been really difficult to try to bring myself up from where I am so this really helped! Thank You!