[Pete77]

Hello all

I have registered to post here after reading many stories and advice given by people and hope that you may do the same here

For a very long time now I have not taken enjoyment in anything. I don't look forward to things or get excited about things, I just do them. I can be standing in front of something that may amaze most, and I will be just meh. I cant remember the last time i got genuinely excited about something. But that in itself is not the issue.

Over the past few years I have become more and more frustrated/angry with things (i am in the late 30's) more than anything, with people. I cant help but see that the majority of problems you will face in life are caused by the inconsiderate, selfish or stupidity of people. I really hate some, for the way the act, the way they speak or their actions.

I can board a train sit there and be fuming inside just because one idiot thinks its ok to put the feet on the seat, and someone talking on speaker phone or playing music on their phone.......much worse. I absolutely hate arrogant or selfish people, even if someone pulls up in the middle of the road without parking up properly causing all the cars to have to go around them burns me inside, and I dont even drive at the moment! I end up hoping they write their car off.....seriously

Work is a very difficult place as i work in a very noisy office and they must see me as quite unapproachable there. The people I work directly with are great and we are a good team, but the noisy people in the office i hate them for their selfishness when we are all there trying to work to. Worst thing is they are all decent friendly people whos voices carry and are a little immature, but the way I feel about them is that if they were in trouble and needed help, I would walk on by and be saying to myself "serves you right you arrogant ****". This isnt me, I was known as the person to turn to, the person that day or night you could turn to and I would help in every way I can. I am the kind of person who almost tries to take on some on the burden of the other person so they don't have to deal with it as much, throwing myself on the fire as it were. This is who i was. But I have nothing left

I had a big bust up at work from a build up of frustration which caused a panic attack the day before. They saw i was extremely stressed and sent me to the doctors who were no help and referred me for counselling and gave a me a few Lorezapans. I had a week at home and done nothing but look into all kinds of possible conditions. One of the things that stood out was Misophonia as especially for work i HATE with a vengeance the laughs a few of the people have (aggravating ones not the "standard" laughs if you know what I mean), whistling and constant sniffing. I sit there some days and go home and my T-shirt is soaked. At those times I run with a high pulse for hours during the day (i have had ECG's and blood tests) loose any appetite and cant wait to get out of there as i am wishing bad things to happen to these people. There are definitely similarities with Misophonia in my case. But im not convinced its all that

Its not just sounds, its the look or the way some people act. After an ok sleep (havent had an undisturbed sleep 2 days in a row for a long long time) i came out of my house and there was a young woman standing in the midle of the walkway keeping an eye on her little dog near by while smoking a cigarette. Although her back was towards me when I came out of my door she would have clearly heard the door close and the sound of someone approaching (yes she could have had a hearing impediment but doubt it and I have seen her a few times at the station). She did not move and I had to move around her to get by. Most people may have thought "idiot", passed by and carried on and forgot about it in a moment. Not me. Within a second of realising she wasnt going to move my pulse was racing and adrenalin pumping and I wanted nothing more than to

Possible trigger:

knock her with my rucksack

as walking past to let her know "dont be so selfish or inconsiderate next time", but held it together and walked past but could not turn the corner without giving the dirtiest look before i did. This is a neighbour I was right not to get into a big thing over a small incident but i didnt feel right. I felt another person gets away with it. Everywhere you look you see more and more of these people who intrude into your life when you have no interest in them or their lives. Why people have to speak so damm loud in public or on public transport i cant fathom. I dont want any information about their daily gripes and it angers me so much that they are not considerate enough to "talk amongst themselves"

I have totally withdrawn from going out. Social events at work, hate them. Being out and about in the city on Friday night, one of the worst things in the world (and upto about 7 or 8 years ago Friday nights were something worth waiting for - and no big "event" that happened that changed my view). Seeing friends, i still do but its a job, its not enjoyable and to make it enjoyable for them takes the little energy I have left. Exhausted at the end of the night and glad i could "tick that one of the list" for a few weeks. Come round to my place and im relaxed, talkative and happy to see them. Meet out for some drinks or a meal and I am none of those things on the inside but trying to pretend on the outside that im having a good time seeing them

Thought my views were changing a few years ago as i was just getting older. But this is something else. I am happy at home by myself when I dont have to hear anyone, talk to anyone and just do my thing. I am engaged to a very understanding girl (who also naturally likes staying in) but also I have the place to myself a couple of days out of the week.

I seem to take things so personally, not criticism as that's fine as I am usually aware I have done something wrong and always believe you take responsibility for your own actions. Taking things personally is like walking down a busy road and someone knocks into you because they or their group taking up the pavement believes it is all just there for them. Cant stand that and it immediately brings on the fight or flight reaction with pulse racing.

This is a typical day for me.

Wake up usually in a bad mood for no reason. Leave and travel to work, an hour on the train with people eating, talking loudly, pushing and shoving, disgusting persona habits, opening windows on a freezing cold morning ect. Imagine then walking a mile to work and a mile back through one of the busiest streets in the city, stop start all the way, knocked by at least half a dozen idiots. Imagine what state you arrive a work in. Then endure up to 8 hours of noise, interruption, signing, whistling, phones dialled on speakerphone loud ect keep the adrenaline running. Then endure the walk back to the station and the hours train ride home. When i get home im exhausted, absolutely nothing left. When the weekend comes staying indoors for 2 days is not just a preference, its a necessity. In amongst all that i have to try and see friends, family ect whilst keeping the brave face (even though most know i get stressed easily)

All people do is annoy me, make life difficult for me and other people and I have no interest in people anymore. Where once I wanted to do what I could to help people, now they can all go get ****. Sure there are still nice people around but its the others that stick in your mind the most. I find it so hard to forget and move on it stays with me for a while until the next person does something to upset me, then they become public enemy number 1, and so on and so on

I need to visit a professional and have a referral from my doctors but don't know where to start. Counselling will be no help, talking is not what I need, an action plan and reasons are. I need to know cause and effect as then I can figure it out, but I have a support framework and "sounding boards" so counselling will not help.

Have any of you felt like you are outside the bubble of life because the veil of ignorance has lifted and you see things for what they are? In my case im seeing more than there actually is I fear

Any thoughts, advice welcome

[sideblinded]

Hi Pete77

It is nice to meet you and you have a very interesting story to me. By the way, you are good at details so let that be a positive thing for you to start. Some of the nuisances that you speak of are just that nuisances and some of what you explain can be normal. However as I was reading, and I am not a mental health professional, it sounds similar to either a mood disorder or the fact that you may be lacking dopamine. Hear me out here. I wake up in a bad mood every morning. I have trouble with people who are not courteous and I am impatient. I am also impulsive but as an adult I have had to temper all of these things. I was surprised by a diagnosis of ADHD a year ago. I am not saying that you have this (as ADD or ADHD starts in childhood). I also would have some mild problems with anger and irritability. I had a hunch that I was deficient in dopamine because I had no interest in things or in socializing. I also wanted to isolate as I cannot tolerate too much stimuli around me. SO...this brings me back to the low dopamine. I found out that I had low levels of dopamine. The doctors kept throwing serotonin drugs at me and it seemed as though they never helped what we thought was bipolar....I was misdiagnosed and no wonder what meds that they gave me they didn't work. I am only throwing this out so you can discuss this with your doctor. I really picked up on your lack of motivation and feelings of impatience. I don't know if I am on the right track for you but if you have tried medication in the past or if you are on any now, note if you got any help from them so you can tell your doctor. I really hope that you get this sorted out.

Welcome to PC. If there is anything that a community liaison or moderator can do for you to help you get around the site, just let us know in a private message. Check out the numerous forums and social groups. Best wishes and let us know any updates.

[gb13114]

"I need to visit a professional and have a referral from my doctors but don't know where to start. Counselling will be no help, talking is not what I need, an action plan and reasons are. I need to know cause and effect as then I can figure it out"

Pete, I am impressed by your clarity. Like Sideblinded, I consider your details to be an asset, though many people find such attention to detail to be annoying in me. It makes us excel in some ways, even to the point of seeing what others don't.

Like Sideblinded, I agree with you now looks like a great time for you to find professional help. I recommend that you be willing to shop around a bit, to find a good fit for you. No one has all the answers, and everyone has at least one helpful one.

Best wishes to you...

[kaliope]

hi pete
thanks for sharing your story. welcome to psych central. you will find we have several forums where you can post about your concerns and receive feedback from other members. you will get a lot of support here. again, welcome

[Ruftin]

Hello and welcome to Psych Central Pete77!!! It's nice to meet you. You have joined a community of warm and caring members who will want to offer you support and advice. Yours is welcome as well.

Please feel free to contact any community liaison or moderator if you need help navigating the forums. It will take some time for your first five posts to appear as they are being evaluated and then you will be able to join chats.

Sorry for your struggles. You will meet many here who will be able to relate to what you're going through and give you feedback.

I look forward to seeing you around!!!

[Pete77]

Thank you all for responding, apologies for not replying until now.

I have since been to the doctors, on several occasions now and, to put it bluntly, they were useless. The 8 minute turnaround Doctors have to generally work with now means suffers like us do not get the proper attention we need and mis-diagnosis are all to common. So we must do the baseline work ourselves. The doctors gave me a 4 week sick note on the understanding if I wanted to return to work earlier then I could, and when I approached the doctor 2 weeks later as I wanted to return to work, they charged me £18 for a letter to allow me to go back to work. The whole incident caused a lot of problems at work and was starting to become a rahter big issue. I have also spoken to the Occupational Therapist and they confirmed possible Misophonia, although not everything was discussed as job security was a concern.

Thanks sideblinded, that was a good call. I have looked into it and all of the principal symptoms of low levels I have, except the weight gain. I looked into any natural foods that can rebalance the levels but it would seem a prescription, albeit it medical or supplemental, would be needed which means another visit to the rubbish Doctors. There are actually 3 working at surgery and I have visited them all and felt the gentle push towards the door the moment you try and open up. May try once more with this one or visit a new doctor for a Dopamine blood test.

I have registered and had a phone consultation with the mental health service offered by the county NHS and am awaiting my referral. I have also decided that a Psychologist may be the best route for my private referral and they maybe able to offer the most help so have a list of candidates I will be contacting.

On trying to self diagnose, and I am more than aware of the potential wrong directions that can bring, I believe I maybe classed as:

Someone with low Dopamine levels
Someone who suffers from Misophonia
Someone who suffers from being an Introvert
Someone who is definitely a HSP
Someone with internal anger management issues

There may or may not be other chemical or neuro-chemical reasons added to the mix, but the collection above does match me quite well.

I have always been someone who does not "let it out". I never cry, I never shout at people, I don't get into fights (although sometimes I really want to). I don't have a release, never have. I just keep taking it in. I'm like a glass that is full to the brim and each new issue overflows the glass and too much of that and you have a panic attack or palpitations. For me its just a build up of everything. I have always liked being alone in my room or flat, and in the last year or so have loved, even craved silence. I'm tired of talking to people just for the sake of talking. I'm tired of being around them, and their noise, and their happy chat about things I care nothing about. There have been times when someone is speaking to me and inwardly I am fuming, outwardly Im trying so so hard to smile and answer and bring an end to the conversation before I let them know I'm in a real bad mood because they are talking to me. This happens regularly at work. Got to keep up appearances. It drains the hell out of me.

One of the things I most look forward to, that makes me genuinely happy, is knowing I have a weekend coming up where I don't have to do anything or go anywhere. I cannot be bored at home by myself. If there is something coming up, a party or a get together with some friends, truth is I dread it and hate the fact that my evening is lost because of this. And here in lies the problem. These days I just don't want to do anything, go anywhere, speak to people. I just want to stay away from it all, from people, stay away long enough for you to maybe miss it and WANT to go, do and say.

I watched a some episodes from a series called Mountain Men a few weeks ago, and all I could think of is how, in a small way, lucky they were because of the isolation they had. No people, no people noise, no people getting in the way, causing X Y and Z issues for you in your daily life. City life is just not for me, yet its where everything of mine is unfortunately. I must struggle through every day. I wear headphones from the moment I leave the home, walk to work with them on (not the safest thing to do) and do the entire walk looking mainly at the ground as just the sight of some people - the ones you know are just loud and arrogant get my blood boiling. The I sit at work with them on and do the same all the way till I get back. Even at home sometimes when there is noise in the street or neighbours being inconsiderately loud like playing football on a wooden floored apartment above at 5am. I just want to shut the world out, not see it, not hear it. It seems the only way I can get by at the moment.

If I'm in the quiet, and have my own time I am happier, not happy, but happier. During the working week, its hell and I carry a rucksack full of contempt and anger with me all day. I feel angry inside at my partner to, for not understanding fully or at least not taking the time to look into my issues on her own, research it, read forums such as this to get an insight. But its not her fault, and some people do not approach a problem the same way as I do so I know I should not expect the same, I just do not want the inevitable conversations that will come up and the feeling she doesn't understand me. We talk but not deeply about this. Peoples minds work differently, probably a good thing hers is not like mine as what a couple that would make! She does give me my alone time and I am thankful for that.

It is a horrible place I am in at the moment, and the only rest-bite I get is when I shut myself away from the outside and the people there that do nothing except anger me. I used to be the person that could let things slide, defeating any anger with logic and reasoning. I cannot say when things changed as it was gradual and not noticed at first so there was little chance I could do anything about it. Those days, things were so much simpler

[mountain human]

Hang in there Pete, I've found that pain is a great motivator for change. You'll find plenty of solid advice on this forum which will include diet, exercise, meditation, counseling, self-help resources, etc. IMO, social support is crucial for people like us and getting better is hard without it.

[BLUEDOVE]

Hi Pete,
Well,if you know the source you can do something about
it,so here goes: I can still do it a little,but it is no where near the
way it used to be before I found out by coming across this book:
"Addicted To Unhappiness" by Martha and William J.Pieper
who are both docs. On first seeing title,I thought,'Don't be stupid,who wants to be addicted to misery?' But that was my
conscious mind asking that,and the dirty deeds are done by the
UNCONSCIOUS! Jesus,I do understand the misery you've been
giving self day after day--please take this on board,now you can
work on alleviating it.It is quite complicated to start understanding it,but with your partner to help (and remind) you,
you'll soon start reducing instances. It is a misunderstanding we
made in childhood,so to eradicate it completely I intend to see
hypnotist. You may not have to do that,see how you get on with
book and partner helping you.
Kind Regards,
BLUEDOVE
P.S.Meantime,start using word 'allow' in head.

[AngstyLady]

Hey Pete, I have to say that I can relate to what you're going through- for the most part I am able to deal with things- though rarely I get to the point of being on the edge of losing t- all the issues you were talking about- being fed up with people and not wanting to go out on the weekends- well, mine is partially for the same reasons, partially for slight social anxiety issues and being more introverted- but sideblinded had some really good insights- and I might have to discuss them with my bf- who also is on the same page as me, as we have both discussed getting treated for ADD and bipolar disorder- -
I was just thinking of posting about how it feels like you can't win sometimes- all the loud and obnoxious and rude and selfish people push around all the nice and caring and quiet individuals like ourselves . . .. I hope things get better for you.

[Pete77]

Thanks guys for responding

Forums like these are invaluable to people to seek out others who have been, are going through similar issues.

The old saying of "To those who understand no explanation is necessary, to those who don't no explanation will do" certainly rings true.

Thank you for your suggestion BLUEDOVE, I have looked into the book, this one though seems to focus more on the childhood and parenting style aspect as source, and I am not so sure this applies to me. This has all come about in the last 10 years or so, before then I was the complete opposite and very extroverted and was rarely bothered by things, always calm and collected, I just gradually started changing, there was no "event" cause. Thought, as everyone tends to cliché, that I was just getting older but this was not the issue.

I have taken a week off from work, bought loads of different types of noise cancelling headphones, so I have a pair for all different situations, and simply concentrated on equipping myself with as many tools as I can to ignore/block sights and sounds around me. It certainly helps, it is no cure but gets you past the day to day and stops your blood pressure from rising so much. There is a lot of mental "leave it, ignore it, it doesn't matter" that goes along with that. Waiting to start psychologist treatment as soon as all the consultations are done although I am not quite sure how beneficial this will be but will go at it with conviction.

Its tough living in a world where all the time you hear things you don't want to and see you don't want to, at least not in the way you would like.