[ShadowFigure222]

Okay, so this has been going on for several months, almost 5 months now and I am really concerned about myself. So it all started a couple of months after I found out my ex was cheating on me. Her brother told me about it and I have avoided the subject since. Back then, it was just simple depression, and I eventually worked through it and thought it was done and over with. However, just 5 months ago, I felt a change in myself. I became more paranoid of everything, especially mirrors and every little noise I hear. I also noticed that I will occasionally hear a voice that mimics the voices of friends of mine. This rarely happened until just this week, but I will get to that soon. The depression came back 5 months ago, however, I had no reason to be sad this time. And along with that came an anger I had never felt before, as if I was a completely different person. I am really scared about this. And the voice thing I mentioned earlier came back and I heard "wouldn't it be better if they were all dead?". To this day, it still nags at me. I feel like I am insane, so I stay away from everyone. I have also been thinking my only way to free myself from all of this is suicide, now this part is nothing new at all. I have had random points in my life where I thought about suicide since I was 7, and

Possible trigger:

I even attempted it once in 6th grade, where I tried to kill myself with my jacket sleeves

. The memory of that is still a little hazy, but I remember how I wasn't strong enough to go through with it. Eventually, one of my teachers took the jacket away from me and handed it over to my mom who threw it away because she thought it was cursed or something. I have also become increasingly "jumpy" and I think it's some sort of anxiety or something. i also took the sanity quiz and it gave me a score of 145 with a total of 11 serious issues. This all has affected me so much that not even sleep, my only escape from the world, can help. Every horrible feeling in my waking life is now haunting me at night, as well as day. I'm scared to sleep these days. I even bought some dream catchers hoping they would help. Nothing. Please, for god sake, please tell me what's wrong with me

[ThingWithFeathers]

Sounds like you need to go to your gp and tell him/her what you have written here. Have you seen a therapist or counsellor before? I can't possibly tell you what, if any, mental health issues you may be facing, but I wish you well in seeking some help from your gp, friends or family

[Georgia Bridge]

I wish I knew how to help. ThingWithFeathers is right about seeking help... possibly you already have. I have very similar issues (voices, suicidal tendencies since childhood, anxiousness, etc.) if that helps any. Sleep used to be the escape for me... doesn't work now... nightmares... the hardest part are the anxiety attacks that always wake me up... I'm not nearly as paranoid as I was, though. I know it probably doesn't help, but I wanted to let you know I am thinking about you... and (i hope this isn't offensive or triggering) I'm praying for you.(It used to be a huge trigger when people told me they were praying for me.)

[Fuzzybear]

[Georgia Bridge]

Hey, ShadowFigure?... You okay?

[coldwut]

Yeah you should definitely try to go see someone. If you are worried about payment, there are ways to help with that. Although I forget what they are, and it depends where you live.

It does seem like you are really distressed by this.

In the meantime, you can post here, and talk about your issues.

[francisR]

hi
you had depression in any case, and I do think that your ex cheating on you made things considerably worse. With regard to the voice thing I know about that. It's not my problem. But I do know that people have successfully been able to manage hearing voices. Sometimes these voices start off as nasty things telling them. For instance to kill other people, etc. But then. The thing they do is to stand up to the voice and say no. If the voice plagues them. Then they come to an agreement with the voice to only hear from it at a specific time. For instance for a half an hour at 6 PM and very often the voice keeps to that. When dealt with successfully, the voices turn into pleasant helpful ones.

There is antipsychotic medication that sufferers take for this. Also there is the hearing voices network in the US which you can Google to find out all about. This problem is manageable. If you feel paranoid about things. For instance that people are out to get you etc. just ask yourself what advice you would give to someone experiencing the same thing. You subject it to the reality test. And ask yourself what evidence there is to substantiate people trying to do things on you?

I honestly believe that seeing a therapist for counseling on this and effective coping strategies to deal with it would be best. I was just wondering whether you thought the voice saying to you. It would be better if these people were dead is in any way related to the anger you have been experiencing. In connection with that. Do you think it would be helpful for you to get coping strategies for anger management? But don't worry, you are not insane and recovery from what you are suffering from is definitely doable. I really hope and pray this does get much better for you soon. Take care. Have a really great day. God bless and best wishes from your friend Francis

[Pikku Myy]

Just keep posting members here do read and will help you as much as they can.

[whatisthishere]

I think you might be a little depressed and maybe something else but I am not a profressional. I would like to share my opinion with you about what you are going through because I recently was in the same situation except I was married to the woman for 7 years. First, I allowed her to break me down through criticism which eventually turned me into someone I wasn't because I thought suppressing my self was okay because it kept her okay. That lead to me becoming a robot and it was effecting my outside life from home such as at work or where ever I went by myself. I started noticing that the things I would normally do as myself I would block on instinct all of a sudden. Almost like I was programmed with some software that my wife installed and even if she wasn't there physically for some reason she was still there controlling me. Which was true but then I realized that I am responsible for letting this happen because I allowed her to do it so I went on adventure to fix things for myself and as much as I could with the relationship which didn't work out. It took a few months then I found out she was cheating on me with 2 possibly more guys and all the progress I made hit a brick wall. My wifes install kicked in again because she was all I was thinking about and I started to suppress my emotions and not talk as much and seclude myself from the outside world because I was trying to understand what this was and I was extremely confused. The day I said screw it was the first step for me in an attempt to clear my mind and find myself again. Through that process I went through some things like you explained above, hearing a voice every now and then, sadness, I was angry and at points I thought about how easy it would be to load up my .32 and pull the trigger. I went though this rigorous process for 6 months and I thought well since i am hearing things I must really have a problem until I assessed how I was thinking, wrote the thoughts down on paper, studied my thoughts in order to find the source of the problem which was difficult. At the end of this excursion of my mind I literally had a map of my thoughts, negative and positive, what the sources were for each thought. I noticed a pattern with the negative and they all pointed to my ex wife and every time I thought about her all the negative thoughts connected with that came out to consume me. So, I had to get rid of the source in my mind in order to stop the intrusion of thoughts that shouldn't matter anymore. It was tough but I started dialectically thinking about a solution to this problem and I found it when I realized that keeping her in my mind just doesn't make common sense because it was effecting me negatively. After I got the majority of that woman out of my mind I stopped hearing stuff, my anger chilled out, and I was a little bit more happy. I guess what I am saying is that even though there are symptoms that describe a certain condition or disease of the brain it doesn't mean that it is permanent. I think digging within your own mind to analyze what you do and don't like and figuring out what you want to change by studying its sources in order to understand and determine what makes sense and what doesn't is a cure in itself. I think simply that the source of a lot of issues such as depression and hearing voices or paranoia all begin at when we start to suppress ourselves and withdraw from expression. I looked at as software and what i basically did was buy a black out CD to wipe out all the negative files in brain in order to build upon a newly updated version of software that I control. I didn't have any money to go see a doctor for my issues but thats what helped me and it might help and it might not. If you have money though I would go talk with someone. Alot of times I found that just bringing up random stuff that your concerned with to random people helps. The other day I felt like everyone was profiling me which actually did happen but it effected the next day. So I thought well I am going to go to the store and buy something then ask the cashier if I look appropriate for this new area I am in since I was concerned with that. haha the guy was said man your good you like you are from here then I had a good conversation for about 30 minutes. After that for some reason I was better and my negative self conciousness was gone. Sometimes it just takes some reassurance from random people i guess.

[avlady]

that is a great idea to write your thoughts down like that

[BlueEyedMama]

I'm sorry that you are going through this. I agree with others that speaking with a professional might be the way to go at this point. I also like the idea of a journal and posting here when you are need in support. *hugs*