[SoScorpio]

I've struggled with various mental and emotional issues since I was a child. I thought recently I'd figured out the root of my problems, but new information keeps coming to me, and now I have no idea what's really wrong with me.

Early on, when I was around 11, I was diagnosed with acute anxiety. When my father died when I was 14, I suffered from depression for years. Now, as an adult, I have great difficulty in starting and maintaining relationships outside of one committed romantic relationship. I have a very hard time dealing with difficult customers at work. Most of all I often feel trapped in my head, and at the same time can't control my emotions. Sometimes I can't even figure out why I feel a certain way. And I have no idea how to relate to people, I can't fathom what's in their heads or what they want to hear, and freeze up in conversations.

For most of my life I assumed these symptoms stemmed from anxiety and depression. A few months ago I finally looked up OCPD, which a psychiatrist had diagnosed me as when I was a teenager, but too listless at the time to care what it meant. I realized that some of my problems came from, or were made worse by OCPD. I started looking for behavioral treatments to help me get past the things that make it difficult for me to work or have a social life.

Then just a couple days ago, I was reading what a friend of mine was saying about her children, who all have sensory processing disorder. I suddenly realize that I exhibit many of the symptoms her kids show. I thought, "Well, everyone has their quirks. It's just a few things really, like how I can't wear mismatched socks because they feel different... or how I have to put my milk in the freezer before drinking it because it feels too thick if it's at all warm... or how I've always hated wearing pantyhose..." but then there was more and more. More things that I know set me apart from most people, but just assumed were part of my personality. So I set out to find out just how many of these quirks you can have and still have them be considered quirks. I went through an SPD checklist, and was stunned at some of the things listed that I do and never noticed, or things I remembered from childhood. Things suddenly seemed to click.

But, I need some perspective. I can't tell anymore which of my problems come from what. Maybe I've always had SPD but didn't know because the OCPD was both exacerbating and masking it?
I guess for starters I'm hoping someone can tell me whether it sounds to them like I have SPD, or if I'm just being paranoid. I want other opinions before I spend money going to a psychiatrist, I don't feel like they've helped me get to the root of my problems in the past. I feel like I need to come to them already knowing what needs to be fixed. With all the red flags that point toward SPD, I'm really surprised that none of the counselors and psychs I've seen have suggested it. But then I realized, I rarely talk to them about sensory issues, because they're mostly just things I avoid and don't cause a huge problem in my life. Or so I thought, but I'm realizing that if I do have this problem, it could very well be causing me anxiety and depression and other things I originally attributed to them.

One thing that struck me when I started reading the symptoms was that my mother and sister also exhibit signs of sensory problems. My mom always walks on her toes when barefoot. My sister will only wear seamless socks, and will often choose clothing she likes at the store, and then refuse to wear it because it's uncomfortable in some way. Other little things like that.

But the list I've noticed for myself... it goes on and on.
Here's a few:

• If the collar of a shirt is tight, I feel like I can't breathe, or nauseous
• If someone tickles me or touches me lightly on the back, it can become so oversensitive that I get tickled when they're not even touching me
• I have lower pain tolerance than most people
• I absolutely hate getting water on my face. I rarely wash my face and when I do, I do it like a cat, with just a little water on my hands.
• I hate touching wet or sticky things. If I wash dishes by hand I have to get every morself of food off each dish before putting it in the water. Preferably with a utensil, not my hands.
• I dislike mixed textures in foods, especially crunchy in the midst of soft.
• I have a great aversion to strong tastes (onions, mustard) and chemical smells. Perfumes have NEVER smelled good to me, except ones made from pure essential oils.
• I compulsively bite the inside of my mouth
• Sometimes I have to shake my leg when sitting
• I can identify things by smell. I once smelled dry Cheerios from across a room.
• I get agitated in a crowded grocery store, feel like I'm going to run into people every few steps
• I hate things that tick or blink. I can't sleep if there is the faintest blinking or changing light in my room.
• I have difficulty with spatial reckoning. Run into walls a lot.
• I was terrified to learn to drive, and still get tense whenever I do. I feel like there's too many stimuli for me to concentrate and move in the right direction at the right time.
• I have always had a hard time calming down before sleep. Sometimes stimuli help me sleep, white noise like a fan, or even a favorite movie.
• Great difficulty learning new motor skills. I watched a coworker tie a slipknot at least ten times before I could do it. I could see how she moved her hands but couldn't imitate it.
• I've always had sloppy handwriting, thought this may be partly because I'm left-handed.
• I've always had a great aversion to sports and physical activities. I often refused to participate in school sports because I just knew I would mess up. I cried when I was 12 and my dad tried to get me to play billiards.
• I get left and right directions confused, I have to think about which hand I write with.
• I don't like making eye contact with strangers or acquaintances, or calling them by name.
• I get upset when I have to change plans. Even if the change should be amenable to me, I somehow feel like something has been ruined.
• I have an intense phobia of vomiting and feeling nauseous, and a long history of motion sickness and stomach upset.

These are the ones I can think of right now. More and more keeps coming back to me from childhood too, like how frustrated I used to get that I couldn't tie a braid with string, or perform other fine motor skills.

Does this seem like an abnormal number or severity of aversions to you?

[IrisBloom]

I think just about everyone could come up with a long list of quirks of their own. A lot of them are due to habits or preferences we develop along the way. Some sound like they are related to anxiety or over self-consciousness. You can learn to manage or change some things. Some issues may require professional treatment.

Remember, recovery is a long, slow process. You may not see changes from day to day, so don't get discouraged. First rule is to be kind to yourself.

I am left handed too, and have trouble with right and left directions. I tell passengers to point rather than say right or left.

[avlady]

i agree with iris. we all have our own quirks and pecularities, some may be worse than others. maybe you should continue to see a doc and t, i'm not a doctor so i wouldn't put to much emphasis in what just i say but iris said it right too.

SoScorpio, I say we are our own worst enemies trying to self diagnosis ourselves. You need a therapist to work things out. Don't give up, give in to help. And look outside of yourself for the answers to a professional. We are here for each other but we really are not qualified to diagnosis someone's symptoms. I encourage you to find a good therapist and also talk to your physician about all this. It will work out, just be patient and in the right time you will get the answers you seek. In the meantime just be good to yourself. Keep reading the forum threads and meet others here. We will help support you in your journey towards getting better. Blessings.

[SoScorpio]

Yeah I guess.. I had been seeing a counselor for a year but don't have a car anymore and stopped seeing her when I had to make some other doctor appointments.
I guess I was just hoping I could skip the talky-counselor and find more specialized treatment if I knew what was wrong. Nothing ever seems to happen at counseling, I just talk, usually feel a little better after because it's cathartic, but that's it. I don't come away with any new knowledge, ideas, realizations. Nothing. And I've been seeing counselors my whole life.

[ablankscript]

Have you ever heard of "highly sensitive persons"? Now you focus on spd and ocpd, but there are many other personality disorders that usually occur along side each other or are mistaken for each other. Some specialists claim that aspergers and spd are the same just named by different people in different places. Then there a number of different degrees and sub types of spd and aspergers is being added to the autism spectrum. There is also schizotypal and schizoaffective disorders. It can be very frustrating not knowing what is going on in our heads but don't allow it to cause you unneeded stress.

[SoScorpio]

Originally Posted by ablankscript

Have you ever heard of "highly sensitive persons"? Now you focus on spd and ocpd, but there are many other personality disorders that usually occur along side each other or are mistaken for each other. Some specialists claim that aspergers and spd are the same just named by different people in different places. Then there a number of different degrees and sub types of spd and aspergers is being added to the autism spectrum. There is also schizotypal and schizoaffective disorders. It can be very frustrating not knowing what is going on in our heads but don't allow it to cause you unneeded stress.

Hmm. Hadn't heard of highly sensitive persons, looked it up briefly... I'll have to read more on it, apparently it's a term used by psychologists but doesn't sound like an actual "condition". According to a checklist I found to see if you are HSP, if you identify with more than 14 of the statements you're probably highly sensitive. I checked 19 out of 24.

What types of therapy do you think are helpful for dealing with sensitivity in general? When all I knew about was the OCPD I was looking at dialectical behavior therapy, to help me not freeze up in conversations, and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy, thinking it might allow me to cope with the fear of the "trauma" of someone being unhappy with me, which I think is what causes me to freeze up.

[ablankscript]

Originally Posted by SoScorpio

Hmm. Hadn't heard of highly sensitive persons, looked it up briefly... I'll have to read more on it, apparently it's a term used by psychologists but doesn't sound like an actual "condition". According to a checklist I found to see if you are HSP, if you identify with more than 14 of the statements you're probably highly sensitive. I checked 19 out of 24.

What types of therapy do you think are helpful for dealing with sensitivity in general? When all I knew about was the OCPD I was looking at dialectical behavior therapy, to help me not freeze up in conversations, and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing therapy, thinking it might allow me to cope with the fear of the "trauma" of someone being unhappy with me, which I think is what causes me to freeze up.

Absolutely, as you said it is basically a way of describing a person it isn't really a disorder just like being introverted, so it isn't something that needs to be fixed, but it is an explanation and therefore allows for being proactive. So if a lot of socialization wears you out, you would come up with a plan to off set that, same goes for all things that cause a over the top stress response. Therapy can help with locating triggers and helping with proper responses.

[Walking Man]

I have something different, but similar. According to my neuropsychologist I have "information processing issues", which basically means that my ability to process information, including sensory stimuli, is limited. For example, I still read at a sixth grade speed. My comprehension isn't affected, just my speed. I can't do anything fast. I can't multitask. In certain situations I am in total sensory overload. I can't stand being in a room full of people socializing. It wears me out. I can't converse, and avoid people. Coffee hour" is the worst. I'm fine in very small groups, or one on one. Shopping malls wear me out. I'm a musician of sorts, and some playing or performing situations are too much, and my brain shuts down and goes on autopilot. There's too many things going on for me follow. I can't block things out. Loud restaurants are very stressful. For the most part I just want peace and quiet. I need lots of order to feel comfortable. I have some mild OCD tendencies, but I think a lot of it is just trying to put things in order so I can keep track of what's going on. I was never good at sports, but better at individual activities where I could focus and take in what was going on. In middle school my hand coordination tested as undeveloped for my age. I learned to play several instruments at a fairly advanced level, but physically controlling the instrument has always been a challenge. I am also very sensitive to my environment. When there's too much going on I get stressed.

[avlady]

i also have a problem with overstimulation. i can't even think of how hard it would be for me to drive a car, ive tried and can't do it. there is just too much going on around me to figure it out. its like that in crowds too for me. i hope and wish you well.

[-jimi-]

How do you know you don't have autism?

[SoScorpio]

Originally Posted by -jimi-

How do you know you don't have autism?

I asked myself the same thing... I guess mostly because no one has ever suggested it. I've been in therapy most of my life. But I guess when I was a kid, autism wasn't really known. And later in life, I guess it's possible that no one looked for another explanation when I already had diagnoses.
I don't know. But does it really matter?
Lately I'm thinking maybe I'm focusing too much on symptoms and categories and naming what's wrong with me. I thought I needed to know, to know how to fix it. But maybe it doesn't matter as much as I thought. I know the effects of whatever it is. I know the problems it causes, I suppose any kind of therapy I can be in will focus on the problems, not the diagnosis, right? Or at least they should.

[TerriLynn]

SoScorpio, I responded to your other post, and now that you mention here that your father passed when you were young, some of this may well be attributed to CPTSD. There is a book that I just finished called The Body Keeps the Score. Check that out and see if that gives you any insight.

[SoScorpio]

Originally Posted by TerriLynn

SoScorpio, I responded to your other post, and now that you mention here that your father passed when you were young, some of this may well be attributed to CPTSD. There is a book that I just finished called The Body Keeps the Score. Check that out and see if that gives you any insight.

What is the "C" for? Couldn't find any mention of it on Google. I'll look into that book but can't really spend money on books right now. I can find out what it's about though and do other research.
I've considered PTSD before but always told myself nothing that bad really happened to me. Obviously my dad dying was one... but I suffered from anxiety long before that. Though I won't deny that it has made me more paranoid about early death, I can't even bear to think about other loved ones dying, especially my boyfriend. I'm terrified that we'll only have a few years together and then he'll get sick or have an accident and I'll be alone again.
I even sometimes tell myself... well don't really tell myself, it's just kinda in the back of my mind, that if someone I love dies and I don't think I can cope, I can always end my own life. It's not something I consider often and I'm not suicidal. But on the rare occasion I do think about the horrible possibility of losing my boyfriend, I tell myself I can't do it again. I never want to feel that way again, and if I put this much time and effort into a relationship that ends in early death, I just won't see the point in dragging myself into life and doing it all over again.
But I always figured this was (more or less) usual for people who experience traumatic loss. At least I wasn't present when it happened, as my step-brother was. He was 5 at the time, and didn't actually see what happened, but he was there. I don't know much about his mental health these days, but again, even before the death, he was an anxious little child.

Also if you want to get really technical you could say I have a history of sexual abuse... but is it a history if it only happened once, and is it abuse if he didn't do what he intended to, and stopped when I told him to?
I was 14, it was only a month or two before my dad died actually. The boy I was dating was 17 and had had sex, and I was a virgin, but just reaching that point where I was curious and had sexual desires. Well one night we were on the roof of my house and he tried to convince me to let him put it in, and I said no. So he talked me down to just looking at me without my underwear. I hesitated even then and asked if he really thought he could control himself. He said yes, so I conceded, and then he went and did it anyway. It didn't hurt. I think I froze for a second. I don't really remember if I pushed him off or just told him to get off. He didn't really *do* anything after the penetration. But I do remember crying afterward, being unreasonably paranoid that I could get pregnant from that tiny contact, etc. I broke up with him the next day, and he turned into a psycho, begging me to take him back and saying he would commit suicide, even trying to bribe me with a Nintendo DS. Eventually he left me alone, and he came to my dad's funeral but didn't speak to me. But not long after that he found out my phone number from a mutual friend and started stalking me again.
Honestly, I don't know how traumatizing this really was. At the time I was scared, yes. But very soon I had much bigger things to worry about. And in the years since, I've never once felt afraid of him, or afraid that it would happen again. Nowadays I feel nothing but contempt for him and his type, and know I would be strong enough to not make the same mistake again.
If anything about it was truly traumatizing, it was what happened a couple years later. His current girlfriend at the time contacted me online and asked if he had ever tried to rape me. Apparently he did the same with her, rather more violent than he had been with me. Which it then occurred me, maybe I just got very lucky that we happened to be on a roof above my dad's head. But she didn't tell her parents about it, or the authorities, and I felt ashamed of myself that I hadn't done anything. I'd told myself it was a fluke, that he wasn't a bad person, just a confused teenager with raging hormones. But, like the other girl, I had been too ashamed. I feel like if he had been more violent, I would have gone to the police. But he made me think he was just overwhelmed, he wasn't really violent. So I didn't tell, and neither did she.
Actually I did, years later, tell my story to the local PD. I only did so because the other ex girlfriend and I had taken to keeping an eye on him online, trying to warn other girls who came into his web. We noticed he had been spending a lot of time at the house of a special education girl, and her parents obviously thought he was a sweet boy. I knew there couldn't be an innocent reason for his friendship with this vulnerable girl. So I told her parents, even though I knew they likely wouldn't believe me. And then I called the police and gave them my statement, and told them about the girl he seemed to be targeting, and asked that they keep an eye on him. It felt great. But not good enough to erase the consequences of my inaction in the first place.
As far as I know, he's still at large. I heard from a friend he went a little crazy though. Probably was all along.
Anyway that story ended up being much longer than I meant...
I'm just not sure if that counts as "trauma", especially since I don't have any sexual anxiety.

[SoScorpio]

I finally found what CPTSD is. It's an interesting idea, but at first I thought if I do have any PTSD it's probably just the regular kind, since my dad dying was a singular event.
But then I started wondering, does it have to be the same kind of trauma repeated to be CPTSD? My parents were never abusive or neglectful or anything like that. But they did divorce when I was 3, and though they maintained a great relationship between them, they got remarried a lot, and moved around a lot. I went to 11 schools between 1st and 12th grade. I stayed at only two schools more than a year, and one of them less than a year. We were always moving and I had to make new friends and adapt to a new school. Could that be considered traumatic? We moved back to my hometown enough times for me to really call it home, and I still miss it. I used to wish I could just be there and stay there. I had several sets of step-siblings to deal with too.

I don't know, how could I find out if there's trauma in my past I don't remember or recognize as being traumatic? I've heard of repressed memories but I don't think I have any... but I guess that's the point...

[SoScorpio]

Why didn't I even think of this?
I was also bullied very badly for a year in middle school. That I do consider traumatic, I'm just so used to living with it I didn't think of it. For years afterward I thought everyone who looked at me was thinking bad things about me. When I switched to another school and wasn't bullied, my days felt almost... well, boring, not having to be on alert every second of the day. Boring in a good way though.
I do wonder still to what extent this experience has shaped me.